Is it unfair on DC to adopt?

[RedCarrots]

Two DC (one is just at primary, one about to go). Oldest struggles a bit socially, and is bit behind, can get overwhelmed (though he is also very happy). Younger one seems to totally unfazed by anything.

I am late 30s. I have been thinking about having a 3rd baby. I love kids, and I love being a mum. I also work full time and we are lucky enough to have help.

I know very much in my heart that my desire to have a 3rd baby isn't reliant on them being biologically mine and I'm thinking about adopting. I don't want to be pregnant. And I would happily have a child, not looking to adopt a baby.

I know I have more love to give (cheeesy!) and our home feels pretty happy and functional (most of the time!)

The only thing holding me back is my other kids, my oldest one specifically. Is it an unfair thing to put upon him? He may well have ASD (or at least his old nursery thought he might) - we are doing all we can to support in that area - he is very happy and loves school, has friends, but he does definitely struggle with change and we have had to adopt some techniques to help me around that.

Am I being totally unfair to him that now he's settled at school - we could change his whole life by bringing in another child who will need so much of our focus?

Yes, it sounds like you will throw a grenade in your family life.
Everyone’s life, your family dynamic and relationships will change, and I bet only you want it.

Yes, it would be unfair. Focus on your family, you would only be doing this for yourself and not in your family's best interests.

The process of adoption alone is incredibly intrusive and stressful. And if you are adopting in the UK, you will be adopting a child from an unbelievably traumatic situation who will need to be your absolute focus going forward.

I wouldn’t do it personally, although people DO and make it work. You really need to go into it with your eyes wide open, though.

Due to the court process, adopting a “baby” is unrealistic. The threshold for a child being removed, and then to be adopted is SO high. So you may be dealing with behavioural issues that could really impact your family in so many ways. The adoption forum on here is very helpful.

I’m a teacher who has taught a number of adopted children. Unfortunately the extent of neglect required to have a child removed from their family is so low that it is very unusual to have a child that doesn’t have major attachment issues, foetal alcohol syndrome or neo natal drug issues. Children like this deserve a loving home but it can have a massive, massive impact on the other children in the family. And the parents. I have seen marriages destroyed due to the stresses of raising troubled children.

if you are really set on this - why not try fostering first?

Cross posted! Sorry!

Concentrate on the children you have.

Read up on Adopted Child Syndrome - these are behaviors an adopted child may exhibit.
It would make it very hard for the rest of your family, even if they were Neuro typical themselves.

Any child you adopt in the UK is highly likely to come from very very traumatic beginnings, you already have one child with suspected additional needs, I don't think this would be a good idea

I don't think your older child's potential future "issues" are really the missing piece here.

What strikes me about your post is not one single word about your husband/partners views on either a third child, or adoption.

I agree. It's a hugely intrusive experience and it can be years before a child is placed with you, and that's if you end up adopting. I think you're looking at the situation with rose tinted glasses and need to do some serious research before making a decision that will have life long consequences for your existing children.

You need to think of the children you've got now especially the older one

You've no idea how his needs will change and could become much higher.

I personally wouldn't adopt or have a biological child in these circumstances.

I would foster first, you can easily then go on to adopt.
I foster, my dd is autistic and she has coped really well. She was 5 when I started to foster and it’s pretty much all she’s ever known.
There are so many children who desperately need a family, do it.

My thoughts are that a child who needs adoption will very likely come with a lot of baggage and issues which could seriously affect your current family, possibly permanently. Particularly if your elder DC may have ASD, surely that will be an additional minefield you will w to avoid.

Bring a child older than yours into the family as a sibling?

Put your children first and the answer is don’t do it.

Wow, no wonder there are so many kids in the foster care system desperately waiting for their own family. Yes, kids in care can have a range of issues but with the right support and a loving family behind them, they can succeed. To the OP, I would say, yes the adoption process can be arduous but that is to make sure you and your partner are the right people to adopt. Most people can have kids, only a select few can adopt. I would at least do some more research, speak to SW and then decide. Good luck.

I think you need to find out more about the types of children who need to be adopted and the whole process before you start to even consider it.

Sadly as others have said the threshold for removing a child, let alone for them to be allowed to be adopted is heartbreakingly high and they will most probably be massively traumatised and have attachment disorders etc that will be lifelong issues. Both from the horrible natal family situation and the having been bounced in and out of foster care and in and out of the abusive home repeatedly in early life.

I too have worked with these children and the issues and behaviours can be so challenging even as a semi detached by professionalism person who only spends relatively short periods of time with them.

It most definitely would have very difficult impacts upon your children and the rest of your life.

I feel awful saying it because yes these children desperately need safe and loving homes but no, it doesn't sound like a good idea to me.

I'm an adopter and my DC although they have issues and needs are not really recognisable from the descriptions above.

Suggest you post in the Adoption board for a rounded view.

I would have liked more children but had to think of the ones I had.
my plate is full. If you work full time then your plate is pretty full too.

I don’t think adopting is easier than being pregnant either.

Wait 5 years at least before even considering this. your children are (and you are) very young. See how you feel in a few years.

I don’t mean to be rude but “Oldest struggles a bit socially, and is bit behind, can get overwhelmed” …..why are you looking for a 3rd child when the children you already have need help with developing into young adults? Completely bonkers and honestly selfish

I’m an adopter (and fortunate that it has gone really well so very pro adoption) but think you should prioritise your children.

Bringing an adopted child would be incredibly disruptive to them. The adopted child would take all your energy and focus and that wouldn’t be fair on your other children, particularly if one struggles with change.

You could always discuss your situation with social workers (there’s usually free information evenings) as they would be able to give you a better picture of the likelihood.

Also in adoption, nothing is guaranteed. It’s a very uncertain, long and gruelling process. You could be progressing a match, then things change and the child doesn’t end up placed with you. It would be very hard to prepare children for a new sibling, then have it not happen.

As well as your older child’s need for stability, you’d need to think about your younger child. Your eldest would need attention as possible ASD. The adopted child would need loads of your attention to help with their needs. Your younger could potentially become a forgotten middle child who doesn’t get their needs met.

Sorry if that’s not the answer you want.

OP likely wouldn’t be able to adopt a child older than her birth children.

OP, I have two adopted children. Follow @TeenDivided’s advice and post on the adoption board for more objective and fact based information than you’ll get/are getting on AIBU.

I don't think it's a realistic plan tbh. I think you need to put your own kids first. They don't need another sibling, you want a child to look after.

I am not a social worker but have had contact with many people who have experienced severe trauma, as confidential I will not write about cases I have been involved with.

Most children available for adoption have suffered some sort of trauma or they have complex disabilities that their parents could not cope with. Even if they are very young the brain is affected by what has happened to them or around them even if they do not have true memories. It’s why SS take a dim view of women that will stay with violent partners. The kids were asleep, he never actually hurt them is untrue because it’s happening around them and it will affect them. My first husband was very abusive, he had grown up in a very violent household.

DS went to school with a girl who had been adopted she had been abused as a baby and child and was removed when age 3. Her trauma played out a number of times including becoming extremely distressed by the sight of birthday candles on the cake at DS birthday party, as she had been burnt as a child with them. She remained DS friend throughout school though ended up running away and disappearing as an older teenager. I still bump in to her Mum who adopted her. She could have not done more for that poor girl, it just wasn’t enough. As other posters mentioned the threshold for removal is incredibly high.

Plus fostering, I would not do it with other children in the house. There have been cases of foster children sexually abusing other children in the household. It’s what has happened to them and they are playing it out. Not every abused person become an abuser but there is a link. Child on child sexual abuse is not discussed much but it does happen.

I am just writing about the risks, it’s your decision ultimately. Due to my own past and then working with people who have had severe trauma nothing shocks me, nothing at all. It’s one thing I hate about myself.
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