Is it unfair on DC to adopt?

[RedCarrots]

Two DC (one is just at primary, one about to go). Oldest struggles a bit socially, and is bit behind, can get overwhelmed (though he is also very happy). Younger one seems to totally unfazed by anything.

I am late 30s. I have been thinking about having a 3rd baby. I love kids, and I love being a mum. I also work full time and we are lucky enough to have help.

I know very much in my heart that my desire to have a 3rd baby isn't reliant on them being biologically mine and I'm thinking about adopting. I don't want to be pregnant. And I would happily have a child, not looking to adopt a baby.

I know I have more love to give (cheeesy!) and our home feels pretty happy and functional (most of the time!)

The only thing holding me back is my other kids, my oldest one specifically. Is it an unfair thing to put upon him? He may well have ASD (or at least his old nursery thought he might) - we are doing all we can to support in that area - he is very happy and loves school, has friends, but he does definitely struggle with change and we have had to adopt some techniques to help me around that.

Am I being totally unfair to him that now he's settled at school - we could change his whole life by bringing in another child who will need so much of our focus?

I'm not sure I agree with this tbh. I think it may be more likely that social services will prioritise children being adopted r fostered.

And it maybe for very good child helping reasons

Wow, a 25% failure rate. That's shocking. And exactly why people need to remove the rose tinted glasses from adoption. That must be incredibly traumatising for kids who have already lost their families once. Please don't do this OP unless you are 100% sure you can do it. You can't just hand them back (well you can, evidently).

Is it standard for one half of a couple to give up work post adoption, at least for a while, as adoption leave is obviously not sufficient?

Not trying to make a point, genuinely interested. I know an adopted child who was in nursery, but I don’t know how old they were when the family adopted them or how many hours the parents worked.

When we applied to adopt it was made very clear that one of us would be required to give up work completely for a year. It is also a big assumption that childcare or school would actually work for an adopted child. Rates of emotionally based school avoidance are high in the UK. You'd have to at least entertain the possibility that you'd never get back to work.

@Nordicrain

What is the source of that 25% number.

@GiraffeLaSophie I'm a single adopter, I had 13 months of work and went back 22 hours a week. If I could have afforded it I would have had at least another 6 months off. Working 4 short days was just about workable for me, at times it was very difficult and I struggled to work at all. If I'd had more than one child I don't think I could have stayed in work.
Most adopters do return to work, but often one will go part time.

Adopters also use nurseries for the same reasons other parents do, to facilitate working and yes because children can do very well in nursery settings. Depending on the number of children and the level of need, some families may have over parent at home.

PP above worked in this area and said approx 25% fail.

Although there are no official UK statistics – local authorities and adoption agencies often don’t keep track once adoption orders are signed and children leave their care – it’s believed that around three per cent of UK adoptions end in breakdown. (For context, 3,570 children were adopted from care last year ending 31 March: three percent of that would be about 107 children.) Many more come close but teeter along on the very edge. Research by Adoption UK suggests about a third of adoptions encounter no significant problems, a third encounter problems but manage to resolve them, while the final third have challenges that are severe and ongoing. The most in-depth research into adoption breakdown, carried out by Bristol University, found that cases typically involved a significant degree of child-to-parent violence, running away and serious criminal behaviour
This is 2020 magazine article that seems to tie in pretty well with what I experienced while working in this area.

@Nordicrain

most reports I read suggest as @maybebalancing does that the ‘disruption’ is nearer 3%. That would fit with my experiences amongst my adoptive friends.
I’d also add that disruption is a compex area. The two families I know where the child has returned to foster care appear to have much better relationships with their children.
Sadly some children find family life very diffucult. Both my friends retain parental responsibilty and see their children regularly and on special occasions and maintain contact in between

I can't believe all the people on here quick to say it wouldn't be a good idea.

Adoption is hard but always incredibly rewarding, and i'd assume you'd accepted that part before writing this post. If this is truly on your heart then I think it definitely should be explored with your family. Have you asked your children how they feel about it yet? Have you asked your partner? I would suggest that being your first step.

Good luck. Adoption is something i'd love to do in future too (also have two kids) x

What is the alternative then? They just in the foster system instead with no chance whatsoever of finding a loving forever home?

Children need a chance, especially those children dealt a shit start in life.

@amispeakingintongues

Being fostered can provide a child with a loving permanent home.
My adopted son is grown and flying the nest soon.
On Friday our foster child moved in. He will be just as loved and nurtured as my adopted son. The plan is that he will stay here until adulthood

Brilliant to hear.

I keep hearing about kids floating around the foster system though, what guarantees they get to stay with you permanently ? And how is that any different from the adoption process? If you don't mind me asking.

@Ted27 I agree that total placement breakdown seems to run around 3%.
But any placement that may involve residential care, regular police involvement, violence in home are not successful placements in my view and they run at a much higher rate.
Adoption can work really well, around a 1/3 of cases report no significant issues at all.
But it seems important that everyone understands the potential for complications.
The lack of proper record keeping doesn't help in this area either.

@amispeakingintongues

When children are taken into care a plan is made for them, according to their needs. That may include returning to the birth family.
Many factors go into deciding whether child should be fostered or adopted.
When children are first removed, it may be an emergency and they will literally go where there is a bed available - that could be foster carer or a residential unit, with no consideration given to the family dynamics because there just isn't time. So initially they may move round a bit. My son was with the same family for 3 years before he came to me.
My new foster son has had two FC placements and has been in residential care for over two years. That is a lot of stability for a child and they have done a lot of work with him. He is now ready to live back in a family environment and bless his heart he just wants a mum. We have had a month of transition meetings (much longer than my adopted son had) to see if we all agree its what we want.
To be honest Friday was one of the worst days of my life, he was heartbroken to leave his carers and I couldn't help with that grief. We are much better today and I am confident it's going to work out.
There are of course no guarantees but as long as I am happy for him to be here, the local authority will not just randomly decide to move him elsewhere. A settled, stable placement benefits everyone. As far as I'm concerned he is already my family, I'm his mum now.
Sadly some children do bounce around the system. Children's social care is underfunded, in residential care the quality of staff can be poor.
My son's sibling is in residential care and has been in at least 8 placements in the last 6 years. It seems to me that everytime there was a problem they just moved him on without anyone tacking the problems, which not surprising have just got worse.
Adoption and fostering can be very successful for many children but I would be first in the queue to say the system also leaves a lot to be desired.

@maybebalancing

I agree with everything you said

I wouldn’t. When I was 10 my parents adopted an 8yo and a 12yo. Obviously as an adult I fully understand that they needed to be prioritized in a way that I didn’t, and I definitely don’t hold resentment towards my parents, but it was hard and hurtful as a child to feel pushed out in my own family. All of my older biological siblings had their own lives at that point and didn’t care, but I didn’t, and suddenly I lost all my parents’ attention.

I am truly sorry that the word "damaged" has caused offence; but in the adoption situations that I have experience of it is the appropriate word. Several had brain damage from in utero drug or alcohol use; and others had serious attachment problems and we know that this is often associated with damage to the parts of the brain which fail to fully develop in the absence of early bonding.

It is a harsh word, but I do not think it is inappropriate.

It is lovely to hear the success stories, but there are sadly also many serious failures that are not reflected in the adoption breakdown figures - behind these there are many families where they have soldiered on so that technically the adoption has not broken down; but families have been split, marriages broken and lives have been seriously affected in a negative way by the adoption.

It is important that the OP hears both sides of the story and is clear that healthy tiny babies are not placed for adoption any more.

That people don’t go into it on a whim is the alternative, surely.

DH's family did this and it did not go well. The scars that the biological children bear from it have torn the family apart. One sibling doesn't speak to the parents any more and has strained relationships with the other siblings. The adopted child doesn't have any contact with any of the family any more.

EBSA is also high among autistic children so at some point OP may find herself having a child at home regardless. Also nanny might move on. I wouldn't do it.

I'd love to adopt or foster, but have two ND children and it wouldn't be fair on them - sadly by the time they're old enough to need me less I'll be too old to foster or adopt.

@Mischance

We can only offer our own views and experience and my own is that using 'damage' in relation to a medical condition like brain damage is very different to describing a child as 'damaged'
For me that conjures up a whole different image of our children which is not helpful, particularly when discussions involve non adopters.
If someone has an accident, breaks their neck and becomes a wheelchair user, we would not describe that person as broken, because they have a broken neck.
I think my son would he horrified if he was to hear me describe him as damaged. He isn't, but he does have specific issues as a result of his early years.
Yes I agree that prospective adopters should have a balanced view but that includes hearing that that adoption can be a very positive experience.
My own experience has not been without challenges, at times he has brought me to my knees, but we hung in, worked through it and its paid off.
Prospective adopters also need to hear that even when they experience problems, they can come out the other side.
They also need to hear that alongside all the issues and problems, there is also ordinary life.
Adoption isn't necessarily one long disaster.

@babbscrabbs

My first foster placement has just moved in. I'm 58

True - my parents adopted my sister when I was 5 and my brother was 4. My sister did have a tough start in life and it was relatively tough for my parents for a couple of years but I don't remember my brother or I being second place to my sister at any point. My parents never regretted it and we never resented it. Clearly it isn't for everyone but the first few posts were so dismissive that I felt compelled to weigh in with a balance.

I’m not sure if this is right for you or not. My eldest has asd and I think fostering would be very destabilising due to the change and lack of permanency. I think if you are in a position where you are approved then at least the preparation could be clear and it would be a certainty. Not sure if that makes sense. My eldest finds having 2 siblings a bit overwhelming at times but I do think that there are huge benefits - not least the ability to manage the unpredictable even if it’s not his first choice.

I'm not an adopter but it's something I was seriously considering. Our local authority runs information evenings where lots of people involved come to speak and answer questions. The one I went to had some adopters, an adult adoptee, a birth mum, the person who was in charge of the foster to adopt bit and a person who worked trying to place older children and sibling groups.

It was so informative and turned many of the views/judgments I'd previously had on their head - especially when it came to birth parents and adopting an older child.

One of the adopters spoke about her child's bio mum and how she'd gone into it thinking how could someone ever do X to a child but by the time she knew the full picture, wished she could've adopted mum too to just give her some love and nurturing.

Ultimately after attending the meeting I decided that while it's still something I see in my future, now is not the right time in terms of the age and needs of my existing children. Anyway, if your local authority runs similar events, I'd highly recommend you attend.