Is it unfair on DC to adopt?

[RedCarrots]

Two DC (one is just at primary, one about to go). Oldest struggles a bit socially, and is bit behind, can get overwhelmed (though he is also very happy). Younger one seems to totally unfazed by anything.

I am late 30s. I have been thinking about having a 3rd baby. I love kids, and I love being a mum. I also work full time and we are lucky enough to have help.

I know very much in my heart that my desire to have a 3rd baby isn't reliant on them being biologically mine and I'm thinking about adopting. I don't want to be pregnant. And I would happily have a child, not looking to adopt a baby.

I know I have more love to give (cheeesy!) and our home feels pretty happy and functional (most of the time!)

The only thing holding me back is my other kids, my oldest one specifically. Is it an unfair thing to put upon him? He may well have ASD (or at least his old nursery thought he might) - we are doing all we can to support in that area - he is very happy and loves school, has friends, but he does definitely struggle with change and we have had to adopt some techniques to help me around that.

Am I being totally unfair to him that now he's settled at school - we could change his whole life by bringing in another child who will need so much of our focus?

The UK adoption rules are the same in relation to age -- they stipulate that a child you are adopting needs to be at least two years younger than your youngest existing child.

I was adopted into a family when I was 7 with a 10 yr old and 12 yr old boys

the oldest wasn’t particularly bothered but the 10 yr old venomously hated me and it caused so many problems that I won’t detail

i was just glad to be out of children’s homes and put up with it until I was 18

Same

Adopted at 7

10 year old hated me and still hates me and can barely hold a conversation with me

My eldest sibling was 12 and couldn't be happier

Really depends on your current children's personalities. When my siblings were asked if they would want another sibling adopted or biological the eldest said they didn't care wait her way and the 10 year old said "hell no"

@RedCarrots

I appreciate that you are at the start of your thinking about adoption.

I am an adopter but not so much of a doom merchant as many on this thread. Yes its tough, yes its challenging, I’ve worked part time for 11 years with obvious consequences on finanances and pension. I also have an absolute smasher of a son who is off to university this year. I know many adoptive families like us.
The one thing that strikes me about your posts is your nanny. What does training in SEN even mean? Do they know about attachment, FASD for example. Have you discussed this with them? Its one thing to want to adopt yourself and accept the challenges it brings, its another to expect a nanny to do that.
Nannys come and go. Yes of course adopters use childcare, some even have nannys, but those decisions are taken in the light of the needs of the adopted child and undertaken by people who have accepted the responsibilty.
Your assumption that your existing nanny would just happily accept this does concern me.

I actually say "we are doing all we can to support in the area". He's only 4 so the waiting and seeing is recommended by the private clinician we have seen. He is on the waiting list with NHS but should he require a more immediate diagnosis we will resume the private route. In the meantime he has speech and language classes, we found and employed a specialist nanny, and he's at a school well regarded for ND. He is doing brilliantly.

Our nanny has worked in a number of specialist schools and is trained in trauma informed interventions. I would take the full year off and more if needed. Our nanny is fully supportive. I also work from home whenever I need.

A whole year eh, well that should do it.

How does working from home help? Because you would be working ?

If your eldest child is diagnosed you.may find that you are not actually allowed to adopt or Foster because of their needs.

@Mirabai I never said that would "do it". Many parents who adopt also work.

Bloody hell.

Can I ask genuinely to people what motivations or set up would I need for it to be be legitimate to even explore as an option? I understand the concern about DC but me working and/or the desire to look after another child are surley not unusual?

@Ted27 it means I can be there when the child comes home from school.

@RedCarrots

We were all new to adoption once. It is a bit of a journey.
Usually the questions experienced adopters ask are to get you to think about things you might not have thought about and to challenge your assumptions
Just as adopters did for me when I was starting out

In a past life I worked in this area specifically choosing possible adoptive parents for dc.

I would have several concerns about your situation OP.

The impact on your current dc, always a concern but significantly heightened because of the dc with SN which are likely to both need more attention and time themselves and also already leave less time for any NT dc in the family.
This situation would only be exacerbated by adding another dc with additional needs into the family.

It seems as though day to day practical care is outsourced which isn't ideal in my adoption situations particularly for younger dc. Because of your family structure you would be looking at adopting a young dc currently.

Adoption can work really well but also has quite a high failure rate thought to be up to 25 percent so placement assessment should be pretty rigorous for everybody's sake.

Many adoption situations not my.

Hello Carrots,
HRTWT. We adopted an older child who had been to hell and back. We don’t have BC, but that was an option ie. as far as we know, we could have BC.
In our case, we firmly felt there were enough kids on the planet and didn’t want to contribute to any more. BUT we did want to be parents. Sounds very sanctimonious but there we are. It was a perfectly legitimate reason as far as SS were concerned and people adopt for a myriad reasons. You, OP, genuinely feel you want to give a child a home and that is extremely commendable. Having a BC with additional needs has probably given you some insight into caring for a child who needs extra help (although an adopted child may have very different needs) The adoption process is a gruelling one and the whole family will be assessed regarding suitability.
Our DC is now an adult, and although struggles with aspects of life, is a loving caring person. It hasn’t always been easy but definitely worth it.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

This wouldn’t be in your current children’s best interests, at all. If you are happy to actively make their lives more difficult then go ahead.

adoption can be fantastic but more often than people realise when they spout off ‘just adopt!’ It’s not. These are often highly damaged children who take an awful lot more attention than can be imagined. To the detriment of everyone else in the family. Fine to some extent when it’s the parents who made the choice, but absolutely not for any other children.

aside from the fact that this would be massively unfair to your nanny.

There are many people on here who have experience of the huge challenges that adopters face in the current absence of proper services for damaged children.

I do not think it is helpful to describe them as "doom merchants", They are people with important knowledge that the OP needs to hear and to take into account.

I should add you do have positives as well OP.
You have experience around dc and dc with additional support issues.
You are proactively choosing this method of increasing your family.
I didn't want to be all negative.

I think that you like the idea of adopting a child but the reality of doing this will be far different than you imagine. The days of getting a new born baby with adoption are long gone. Your going to go through a lot of questions, background checks ect ect with social services.
Then if your allowed to adopt a child their is a high chance that they will a lot of additional needs and not all of these will be apparent at the start.
You said that you have a nanny, can take a year off and can work from home down the line but that won't work for your family.

You can't work from home and be their for 3 kids at the same time. Nor can you expect your nanny to deal with your child who looks like they have asd and then take on another child who could have any number of issues. What happens then if your nanny decides to leave you? Your nanny's own circumstances could change and they may need to do this.

One of my friends has a child with asd. Their were non verbal when diagnosed as asd. My friend has spent hours doing speech exercises and other things to help them out both physically and mentally. She has been to doctors, speech therapists, occupational therapist, physiological services ect for appointments. Her child is now in the early stages of secondary school and is doing well considering their own circumstances.
My friend had planned to try for a 3rd child but she told me it would be unfair on X who has asd and her older child as well.

My advice to you is to start pushing for an NHS diagnosis for your child's ASD as this will help you access additional service. It could also enable you to get extra benefits that you can use for your child's additional needs. My friend who's child has ASD told me that early diagnosis and extra help early on can make a big difference to an asd child.

In your situation I would not be looking to adopt another child because your ASD child will need a lot of your time and effort as they get older in order to have the best outcome possible for them.

It not fair on your other child also that they become last on the list if you have an asd child and other child who needs a lot of help/support.

Some parents actually do their best to get there children back but unfortunately because social services have the power and courts most likely go in favour with the wooden handles social the child /children gets adopted..
So many cases have been documented about how children/babies being forced into adoption

Wooden handles was a mistake 🤣

@RedCarrots From what I read in your post I don't think its suitable right now for you to adopt a child, maybe when the children are older you can think about it.

I wouldn’t. Could you cope with a child with additional needs? It takes a very strong person to adopt nowadays. They’re rarely babies and they come with so much baggage. I couldn’t do it.

Social services would do their best to match you with a child you could cope with. That's their job.

The nanny would have more time for the adopted child if the older two are in school by then. Though the risk of her leaving would worry me. Adopted children need consistency.

Of course you can work and be an adopter. You just need some flexibility, lots of support, an understanding boss etc.

If you really want it and can make changes according to a child's evolving needs I think it's possible. We all have to change when becoming a parent. By the time you get to child number 3 you know this and are good at it.

@Mischance

I too have lots of valuable experience to offer the op.
Which is a more balanced view. Personally I object to the term 'damaged' in relation to adopted children.
My son is not damaged, yes he has problems, yes we have had many difficulties along the road but he is not damaged.
I know many adopted families who have very successful families. We are not all destined for disaster.
Prospective adopters need a balanced picture.
If @RedCarrots continues to ask questions, takes on board advice and the range of experience, does the research and applies at the right time for their family there is no obvious reason why they could not adopt.
Plenty of people with birth children adopt, many adoptive families have more than one child with additional needs

I think you sound lovely op, and a potential great adoptive parent. However, from my experience seeing people who adopted r fostered kids, there is a huge impact on existing children in your family. Only you can know if your children can deal with this but it is something to consider.