Is it unfair on DC to adopt?

[RedCarrots]

Two DC (one is just at primary, one about to go). Oldest struggles a bit socially, and is bit behind, can get overwhelmed (though he is also very happy). Younger one seems to totally unfazed by anything.

I am late 30s. I have been thinking about having a 3rd baby. I love kids, and I love being a mum. I also work full time and we are lucky enough to have help.

I know very much in my heart that my desire to have a 3rd baby isn't reliant on them being biologically mine and I'm thinking about adopting. I don't want to be pregnant. And I would happily have a child, not looking to adopt a baby.

I know I have more love to give (cheeesy!) and our home feels pretty happy and functional (most of the time!)

The only thing holding me back is my other kids, my oldest one specifically. Is it an unfair thing to put upon him? He may well have ASD (or at least his old nursery thought he might) - we are doing all we can to support in that area - he is very happy and loves school, has friends, but he does definitely struggle with change and we have had to adopt some techniques to help me around that.

Am I being totally unfair to him that now he's settled at school - we could change his whole life by bringing in another child who will need so much of our focus?

So, if we don’t think children should be left with harmful parents, and we think they’re too damaged as a population for family life, what do we do with these little people who are literally just trying to survive in the best way they can.

This is a very good and highly relevant question. In my view they should have the opportunity of being adopted and having a normal family life, but ........ the prospective adopters should have every possible bit of information about that child - they should have the potential problems spelt out very clearly - and above all else they should have proper ongoing support throughout the whole time the child is with them - therapies and any other needs should be met. Adopters should not be left to sink or swim.

Unfortunately our public services are so depleted that it is rare that this is forthcoming.

I'm not anti adoption at all. Of course any child can be a school refuser or need a lot of appointments. Like an undiagnosed ASD child who has just had a massive life change may do...

Birth child or adopted child, either way best to be financially, emotionally etc. prepared and have a plan for what happens if they have any SEND or issues.

I say that as a single parent of a school refuser who has been plunged into poverty as a result

Of course it’s offensive, to adopters as well as adoptees. I assume having not read it, you didn’t see I’m also an adoptee. You’re calling adoption ‘forced adoption’. As an adoptee, you should realise that’s hardly a realistic rounded view of today’s adoption and wasn’t in the late 80s/early 90s either. If you compare your children being adopted by one parent, but they’re your birth children, that’s really not the same thing as a child being removed from both birth parents due to lack of a safe environment and placed with a different family. Yes, it’s a heated topic, but writing it off as forced adoption where birth parents fight to get them back but can’t simply isn’t the full picture. As I said, birth parents deserve empathy, but the child must come first. I’ll always love my birth parents and I understand why things were complex for them. Is adoption itself traumatic? Yes. But sometimes that trauma is the better option.

Like I mentioned of course it isn't offensive what I mentioned, you are now twisting my words stating I mentioned all adoption is forced adoption, which i didn't, please just stop and I stand by what I commented , have a nice day I will no longer go back and forth with you

I'm so late to the party here but for any child having a sibling (whether biological or not) is a wonderful gift. My youngest sibling is 11 years younger than me, I definitely didn't want a baby in the family, and they were the best thing that ever happened to our family, bringing together me, my other sibling and parents together in loving them and caring for them. You would be giving your child another child to love, and to love them... obviously do whatever works for your family but worrying that having another sibling will be bad for your other kids is I feel not something you need to worry about

@KingsHeath53

I'm glad you had such a wonderful experience with your siblings but I really don't know where to start with your post.

The vast majority of adopted children have experienced abuse and neglect, they carry trauma which can have a huge impact on others in the family. Adoption is not something to be taken lightly, particularly when there are birth children.
Nor should adopted children be seen as a 'gift'
Of course there are families where there are both birth and adopted children and it works. But the op is absolutely right to consider the impact of a traumatised child with additional needs on their existing children.

Omg I am so shocked by replies and negativity about adoption. I was an adoption social worker for 8 years and all sorts of families adopt. The assessing social should help you to think about if adoption is right for your family. Lots of families with children adopt and are very happy. Sometimes it doesn't work out but that could happen with a birth child too.

This. So much BS on this thread from people who have no idea.

Everyone is being very negative but the reality is there are lots of DC who due to no fault of their own need a good home. I foster a DC who had a terrible start in life and it took time and patience but he deserves a chance for a good life just like other DC get. If you can offer a good home for a DC please do it OP. My youngest DS wasn't thrilled at first but now has offered to look after FS after he gets back from a sports holiday for 2 days whilst we go on holiday on our own.

I know this is quite an old post, but gosh I'm shocked at the negativity. I was adopted and my parents had 3 kids already, I am a very happy and normal (ish) person, I know my siblings love me the same as they do each other. Just wanted to add some positivity to this. I know not all situations are the same but so many are commenting with zero experience of this so thought I would add with a real life scenario