Is it unfair on DC to adopt?

[RedCarrots]

Two DC (one is just at primary, one about to go). Oldest struggles a bit socially, and is bit behind, can get overwhelmed (though he is also very happy). Younger one seems to totally unfazed by anything.

I am late 30s. I have been thinking about having a 3rd baby. I love kids, and I love being a mum. I also work full time and we are lucky enough to have help.

I know very much in my heart that my desire to have a 3rd baby isn't reliant on them being biologically mine and I'm thinking about adopting. I don't want to be pregnant. And I would happily have a child, not looking to adopt a baby.

I know I have more love to give (cheeesy!) and our home feels pretty happy and functional (most of the time!)

The only thing holding me back is my other kids, my oldest one specifically. Is it an unfair thing to put upon him? He may well have ASD (or at least his old nursery thought he might) - we are doing all we can to support in that area - he is very happy and loves school, has friends, but he does definitely struggle with change and we have had to adopt some techniques to help me around that.

Am I being totally unfair to him that now he's settled at school - we could change his whole life by bringing in another child who will need so much of our focus?

There is definitely a strong anti adoption vibe going on!

OP if you are going into it with your eyes open and understand it will be difficult and lengthy then that's a good start.

I know someone who had adopted a child who had had a terrible start, foetal alcohol syndrome etc. He is adored and adores his siblings who weren't adopted. However it was a long arduous road.

It isn't all doom and gloom. If you aren't right for the process, they won't continue with you anyway.

You sound a bit idealistic. It would be catastrophically disruptive to your family and current children. Have a third baby if you want one. Then, in 15 years or so when all of yours are on their way to independence look into adopting an older child, it will be a fantastic to do and you'll then be in a position to give enough to the adopted child without harming your other children.

Yes unfair. If you pursue it you will be putting your adult needs way above the well-being of your DC.

Maybe try fostering first?

personally I also think you have rose tinted glasses and should prioritise you children.

Fostering sounds like a brilliant idea for the OP.

This

I adopted with a birth child and it wasn't an easy ride. I feel phenomenally guilty towards my birth dd as my ad has severe behavioural issues which has massively impacted our entire family.

Adopted children aren't adopted due to parents not wanting them anymore, 99.9% are adopted because they've experienced trauma or abuse of some description, even those removed at birth will experience trauma. This means that a high % will need to be patented differently and will need additional support. On paper my ad had the best start that an adopted child could. She was removed at 2 hours old, had the same foster family until placed with me. However she is under a psychologist, goes to a special school, has various mental health issues and we need rest-bite on a monthly basis. Think very carefully as this has not only impacted me, but also my birth dd who has a very different and difficult life as a result of my decision to adopt. It's not a decision I'd make again given the option

Remember that adopted children often come with trauma and additional needs- you sound very well equipped to meet those needs, but yes they likely will impact the other children. It's ok to explore and get approved and wait for the right fit child to come along, if ever, for your family. You could also consider being a foster mum if you have a spare room- if you take a Sen child you might get paid more I think too- this extra income would be positive for your family.

This, it's a lifelong commitment that needs to be made with your eyes WIDE open.

My Nan used to say "You will be taking on someone elses bundle of trouble ,when you adopt" Although this sounds unkind ,its very true sadly! I think the poor little mites would need to be adopted without siblings really.As it is not fair on them.Either your DC would be pushed out ,or adopted DC would be uncomfortable .Why not be pleased with what you have .Maybe a pup if you like dogs ?

Apart from anything else - if you were a SAHM and nurturing your kids full time was your thing - adoption would make sense.

But it’s rather unfair to adopt a child, who will arrive needing to form a strong bond with new parents, potentially with issues around their early experiences, and then farm out their care to a nanny. You can’t force a nanny to read up on adoption issues and she is the one who will be at the coal face.

The whole idea seems to be based more around your biological urges rather than any of the children’s well-being.

But I just don’t get why you’re even considering adopting? I mean what would the child get out of it when you’re at work full time. An adopted child is likely to need a very prolonged settling in stage, and if you’re off out at work 5-6 days a week then how is that meant to work?.
there’s nothing romantic about adoption. My dad was adopted and it caused all sorts of issues in his life and his parents life. He hates his adopted sister too.
I see no reason for you to adopt whatsoever as you have enough on your plate with 2 little ones who already have you out at work, they don’t need what little time you have to give to them taken up by some child who’s likely to be very needy due to a shaky start in life.

I won't share our story but I have been involved in fostering and adoption for years. I would advise against it. The needs of an adopted child are absolutely enormous. Throw in working full time and the needs of existing special kids and it's pretty overwhelming. I would say, based on my own experience, that kids on the ASD pathway need more support as they get older.

Having said all that I think adoption is a beautiful thing. Those who go into it, while sometimes feeling prepared initially, haven't lived it and are sometimes taken by surprise by the brutality of the life.

How long ago did you adopt your children?

You say you work full time but you have help?

What sort of help?

A nanny? A nanny who is qualified and willing to deal with the issues of a child whose birth family has met the very high bar that set in motion their child's removal?

A grandparent? A nursery?

@determinedtomakethiswork
We adopted 16 years ago.

I agree with Mirabai and dottiedodah

Get a puppy.

In your shoes I wouldn't do it.

If I were to adopt, my biological children would have to have grown up first. We have spoken about it as a couple and would still be young enough to do it when ours were grown. But the older mine get, the less I want to adopt.

I would think very carefully about the impact on your potential adopted child and whether this is the right set up for them

they might find it hard when people say stuff like "bilogical child has aunties so an so eyes' or hard dealing with an autistic sibling when they perhaps have their own attachment things to work on.

There might be someone who you are the right family for but its not just your existing children to consider, its your new child too.

Most children with autism gave siblings and benefit from it so no I don’t think you are being unfair . I think you want a child just like any other person ,. Go for it

Yes, I think it would be unfair to do that.

Please don't do it, you're very lucky to have your children, why spoil it. I know you're coming from a good place but many children in care have massive emotional problems. We adopted a four month.old baby, thought there would be no problems as she was so young, how naive where we. I love her very much and we have a great relationship now but we went through some very difficult years x

Why would fostering be any easier than adopting, I guess the idea is that you can walk away if things don't pan out but you don't go into fostering to 'try before you buy. The needs of a child in foster care are just as great as those of the child who needs adoption and you need to be fully committed to it.

We are in exactly this position except that we didn't know our biological child was autistic until quite a long time after we adopted. Our mentor through the adoption agency also had an autistic birth child and I know of other families in similar situations through other online groups. So it's not totally unheard of and we certainly don't regret it, although it's not easy at times. I have taken a career break and our age gaps are quite big, which I think helps. But I would generally assume that an adopted child will also have some level of additional needs.

Thanks for all the comments and advice.

I would take a year long adoption leave (paid as per my work policy) and our nanny is trained and knowledgeable about SEN and behavioural issues.

This thread has been really helpful in making me think further about DS and timing.

But suggestions about getting a puppy etc -doesnt feel v helpful - I'm not considering this because I want some cute little thing to look after. I'm considering it because I want to give a child a secure, happy, home and to support them as best we can. It's not comparable to a puppy. And I don't want to test anything by fostering. WE are looking to have a 3rd child, v different from fostering.

I have definitely listened though particularly in relation to DC. Perhaps I will wait until end of primary.