Is it unfair on DC to adopt?

[RedCarrots]

Two DC (one is just at primary, one about to go). Oldest struggles a bit socially, and is bit behind, can get overwhelmed (though he is also very happy). Younger one seems to totally unfazed by anything.

I am late 30s. I have been thinking about having a 3rd baby. I love kids, and I love being a mum. I also work full time and we are lucky enough to have help.

I know very much in my heart that my desire to have a 3rd baby isn't reliant on them being biologically mine and I'm thinking about adopting. I don't want to be pregnant. And I would happily have a child, not looking to adopt a baby.

I know I have more love to give (cheeesy!) and our home feels pretty happy and functional (most of the time!)

The only thing holding me back is my other kids, my oldest one specifically. Is it an unfair thing to put upon him? He may well have ASD (or at least his old nursery thought he might) - we are doing all we can to support in that area - he is very happy and loves school, has friends, but he does definitely struggle with change and we have had to adopt some techniques to help me around that.

Am I being totally unfair to him that now he's settled at school - we could change his whole life by bringing in another child who will need so much of our focus?

There are posters on the adoption board who have adopted with birth children, including bc with SN.
There are also posters who have adopted more than once.
There are extra considerations, but it can and does work.

If you have issues with your current dc now, then yes - adoption would be very unfair.

As much as my heart goes out to the children who need a family it is a very risky thing to do. I know several people who have adopted and they really have their work cut out. The days of adopting a brand new baby are gone and an awful lot of the children are now very damaged by their life experiences so far. It’s incredibly sad but I think it takes a lot mental strength and courage to deal with all the baggage these poor kids have already in their young lives. Maybe if you didn’t already have children I would say go for it but unless you’re guaranteed a child that has no behavioural or emotional baggage (obviously not possible to guarantee) I’d tread carefully.

Not posted under this user name for a long time, my children are adopted. The reality is there may be some difficult issues with an adopted child, BUT social services are trained to assess the family and won’t place a child with a family where it won’t work out. It’s a gruelling process to be approved, me and DH are now me and ex DH, which is heartbreaking. The whole household will be assessed. I think you are offering up a lovely thing but you all have to be fully committed and eyes open. I love my children dearly, but I don’t know if I would do it again if I’d known where we’d all end up.

During the assessment your children's needs and wishes would be explored extensively. They would not approve you if your kids would be adversely impacted by adopting.

Bloody hell!!!!!! Talk about scaremongering. I teach some bloody terribly behaved children from ‘perfect’ on paper parents, who are troubled and dysfunctional. I’ve also taught, my own included, well adjusted and well behaved adopted children.

I would only agree that the adoption process is stressful and I strongly recommend that you wait until your children are through teenage years. I wish more people would adopt older children instead of demonising them. You really can make a difference to someone’s life.

You have 2 young children one with additional needs and you work full time.

where would another child fit into this lifestyle??

children aren’t accessories to fit alongside you. Especially not adopted ones.
it Doesn’t sound like you could accommodate another child tbh.

I think the fact your youngest is nearly in school is the classic time when a lot of mums have an urge for another. It's a real milestone moment of independence for the child and it leaves most of us with a bit of heartache over our youngest growing up.

From what you've said I don't think adoption would be a good idea or benefit your existing children for many of the reasons already given in other posts. If you were really keen, you could try and foster instead, but I think that focusing on the two you have is important. Especially if your eldest needs extra support.

For what it's worth. I have two and I feel like I could easily have another (I don't have that 'done' feeling), but I'm sticking at two because I think that's what will be best for the two that I have in terms of individual attention I can give them and what we can give them on a material level. I think this feeling of being 'done' happens for some and not others and just because it doesn't happen for you, doesn't mean it's in everyone's best interest to have another (after which you may still not feel 'done' anyway!).

OK - yes, so I do agree that waiting is a good idea to see how DS gets on as he gets older.

Just a few points though - I am not looking to adopt a baby, I absolutely understand that the child would most likely have profound emotional and behavioural challenges, and that the process is gruelling. I do have my eyes open to all of that - but I do agree that it might not be in best interest for DS immediately.

I absolutely do not see any child as an accessory and I'm not sure where you picked that up @Mumtothreegirlies

I could have another baby myself, but just feel with so many older kids in need of homes - that I wanted to look at that instead. Of course we may not be a suitable family and i understand that.

I would not consider adopting when ny own children are small. If they were teens i might consider adopting a child a good bit younger but i would worry about adopting a similar age or older child in case they didnt get along.

There are practical considerations like can you afford to live off statutory adoption pay for a year? What if the child has higher needs and one of you needs to give up work altogether. How will you balance the needs of a traumatised child, a child with suspected asd and your youngest?

There is an adoption board here that may help you.

Can't you just count your blessings and concentrate on the children that are actually here ?
I honest get that urge, we are unable to have children, lots of IVF , lots of expense & heartbreak, but the broody feelings that give you that need for another child are essentially hormone driven and won't last forever.
I'm an adoptee myself and there's no way in hell I would adopt.
People seem to have a fairytale version of saving some poor unfortunate child and showering them with love and how wonderful they are going to feel doing this ' good deed'.
It's so not like that , it's messy and traumatic and hard. It'll will affect you family much longer than hormone driven daydreams.
There's a lot to be said for appreciating what you've got, don't put it all in jeopardy with this huge gamble.

But it's estimated that between 3 and 9% of adoptions fail in this country. So clearly they are placing children in families where it doesn't work out.

I agree you sound a bit naive. Like you’ll just be handed a lovely little toddler eager to be showered with all your excess love.

Speak to people who have adopted for the uk. Everyone I know who has done it has had a really tough initial time because the fact is a child that is permanently removed from its parents in the uk has generally had a really shit time. A friend of mine adopted siblings, 3 and 5, removed for neglect. There were huge temper issues, violence, the youngest was affectionate hadn’t learnt to talk yet at 3, the oldest would let them touch or cuddle her at all for 6 months. They couldn’t even go near her for a while. They needed loads of support and therapy. They love their children of course, and are 100% a family, but she did say that in the first year there were definitely times she wished she hadn’t done it as it was so hard.

Ditto. The anti adoption vibe is so awful. Having any new child biological or otherwise is an upheaval and change in dynamic.

OP if you and your partner think you can do it, do some research and speak to SS.

as other have said try fostering first of you are able but if you can do. Every child deserves a loving stable and committed home.

Oh and they got zero help from
social services. Luckily they could pay for support and therapy themselves, but she openly said she felt entirely abandoned. Originally she was meant to have the adoption leave but she couldn’t hack it and her husband ended up taking it.

Btw my brother is adopted so I am 100% in favour of adoption. I just think you have to be very realistic about it. Because it will be much worse for those poor kids to lose their families a second time.

I have a son with autism. He is now a teenager. We have had so many issues over the years, and now sadly he has mental health issues and has been out of school for months. You don't know how your own child will be in the coming years. I would focus on having an ASD assessment for them and getting the right support in education. Typically kids with ASD find many education settings a challenge and stressful and particularly as they get older. My DH and I are exhausted with work and dealing with all DS's appointments and supporting him
He takes up all of our attention and time, he needs us to fully support him. He can't leave the house alone. I also felt like I would have liked a 3rd but it would never have worked, so instead we have a cat.
Your child may be happy and settled now but sadly things may well change as theh get older,and having another child who has their own issues and needs in your home would be hard on everyone, all the kids especially. It wouldn't be fair to any of them.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to look into it. The adoption process is long and there is no guarantee your family will be suited for adoption. Panels take great care into trying to ensure that adopters and children are a good match, there will be lots to learn before they would even consider placing a child with you. If social workers and those approving you to adopt felt that it wouldn’t be possible to place a child with you considering your elder DSs needs they will tell you, and they will be far more qualified to do so than anybody here. There may or may not be a child out there who would be a good match for your family, lots of children in the adoptive system are traumatised and have complex emotional and behavioural difficulties but that isn’t always the case or that doesn’t mean that they can’t fit into a loving family.

Adoption is never easy or without complexities and difficulties but that doesn’t mean it couldn’t be successful and you will only be approved to adopt if the panel agree that your family could adopt successfully. You will only be matched with child if they are felt to be a good fit with your family and it’s felt the adoption could be successful. Don’t let people here scare you into thinking all children waiting for adoption will be a nightmare to parent or that there is no chance an adopted child could be compatible with your current family.

If it’s so,etching you genuinely feel you could commit to then your best course of action is to seek your local authority or an adoption agency and look to find out more information from them about whether this could be a feasible option for your family.

The family that I know that have adopted have all had a wonderful experience. Their child is an absolute joy and was taken off the mother at birth I believe. I’m not undermining the experiences of this little one, but they are extremely happy and adored by the whole family.

I know this isn’t always the case, but they are thriving and their siblings love them.

I have an autistic child and they adore other children, so I would consider adopting. I would have to be careful of course, and it could be challenging, but that can happen with a birth child.

What I’m saying is just get advice from the professionals and take it from there 🙂

I think if your family is contact now, bringing another person into the mix could ruin it.

The he’s child would also take most of your attention and affection which I wouldn’t want to inflict on my DCs.

Not the same scenario obviously but my sister had 2 dogs and had the perfect life with them.
Because they fit in so well and were so well behaved, went out for long walks every day, had loads of fuss etc she thought she could give a dog in need a really loving home.
So she went and got another one and it all went to shit basically, even her original dogs changed completely. And she regrets getting a third one when her life was so good as it was.
She eventually got rid of the new dog as it just wasn’t fair on him or the other dogs but it was heartbreaking and I can’t imagine how difficult it would be with a child.

If you and your DH both work FT then I can’t even see the point in adopting a child. I’m not sure it would even be possible as there will probably be a lot of additional things you need to do like meetings.

If you’ve got so much love to give have you thought about respite care?
It’s such a lovely thing to do but it won’t impact on your family life every day like a child living with you would.

This. I wouldn’t adopt in your situation.

You would be taking a big risk - your children may not thank you for it.

No way would I consider this with dcs of these ages. Right now, you have little, relatively biddable children. Teen years can be very hard and you may not be able to cope with your dcs plus another child, who will need a lot of love and care.

Adopters - just one parent - are expected to take a year off work to allow for the child to settle in. If you’re still serious about this when your children are considerably older, maybe look again.

Please don't do this. My mother did it, and like you she had two children already ( I was the younger one). Our adopted sister had many behavioural issues due to her history - and to be honest, her adoption was the worst thing that could have happened in our family. Mum may as well have thrown a bomb into our house. The relationships between all the other family members, changed for the worst and they never recovered.

It's a long time ago now, but the repercussions are still felt in our family dynamic. I wouldn't recommend this to anyone.