To not go to the in laws with DH and kids this summer

[DratThatCat]

I know this is a common AIBU so I apologise but I can't figure out if I'm being unreasonable or not so would appreciate your opinions.

We live about 5 hours away from the in laws so we usually visit them 3 or 4 times a year, for 4/5 nights at a time. We stay with them at their house. They used to visit and stay with us maybe 2 or 3 times a year but has maybe been once a year since covid.

My issue is that I have just got a new job (found out today!) and I'll be looking at a start date of late July/early August. At the time of the interview we hadn't set a date for visiting them over the summer so when they (the interviewers) asked if I had any holidays booked I said no. DH has now asked when we're going to in laws and I said I probably won't be able to go as I'll have just started my new job and I've already said I didn't have any holidays booked. He is pissed off.

In the interest of transparency, I hate going. I don't let this show to DH or the kids, although DH knows I'm not overly enthused. I didn't go for one visit last year due to the same reason, I'd just started a new job. I did go for all subsequent visits and all visits this year, which to be fair has only been one at Easter.

YANBU - You have good reason not to go, it's not the end of the world
YABU - You should go, suck it up buttercup

It’s up to you wether or not you go, but I don’t understand why you can’t book holidays? They might say no but they might say yes.

When will you actually get your start date?
How old are the children?
Does you visit your parents with Dh?

You can be honest here OP

you do not want to go. And that’s fair enough.

But bit odd to blame new job when you don’t know the start date yet. Best just wait and then go from there

Odd new employer to allow a few days off before you even have your start date

Was there a start date listed before you interviewed and did you inform your DH of it?

Hopefully today, I'm waiting on an email. The kids are 10 and 12. My parents live half an hour away so we see them once or twice a month for a couple of hours each time.

Yanbu - it would be inconvenient to your new employer to say ‘oh actually I know I said I had nothing booked but I shan’t be here on x week now’ - but you would be within your rights to request it of course. Having said that, it doesn’t sound much like you want to go, so don’t! Enjoy the break from them - 3/4 times a year to make a 5 hour journey is a lot imo so it won’t hurt to miss one!

And shouldn’t your DH be arranging when to visit his own parents? Not fair that he’s mad at your for not arranging it. I get so fed up with men not taking on their fair share of the mental load!

You're right, I don't want to go. But I feel bad about it.

I'm blaming the new job because we usually go sometime in August but I'll most likely have started the new job by then.

Why can’t your DH visit alone with the kids? Bloody hell, even if there wasn’t a ‘good excuse’ I’d send him alone anyway! It’s not like you never go, and presumably they prefer seeing him over you!

sounds perfect from your perspective. Why do yo think it matters so much to your dh that you go ?

No, no start date was listed before the interview. At my last job it took six months from the interview to actually starting so I wasn't expecting to be able to start so quickly. I had my interview earlier this week for this job.

Congratulations on the new job!

I mean, it's clear you just don't want to go and you've engineered a situation that gives you plausible deniability.

At the time of the interview we hadn't set a date for visiting them over the summer so when they (the interviewers) asked if I had any holidays booked I said no. If it was something you really wanted to do but hadn't booked yet, you'd have said - not booked but I will need to take x days off at some point over the summer.

I mean, I can't blame you. But I do think YABU for not being honest about it.

That’s a lot of visits! And for long periods each time. You must use up a lot of holiday going to visit.

Perfectly fine to say you’ve started a new job and can’t get the time off for this visit. DH can take the kids and you can focus on your new job.

why is your H pissed off? Does he like visiting his parents? Do you do some of the emotional labour while you visit?

kids are 10 and 12 so easy to look after on holiday.

you are NBU. Stay home.

I don't think you should take leave when you have just started a job for something non essential. Gives a poor impression.Different if family wedding or something like that.
Given your kids are 10 and 12 your husband could easily take them by himself.

As an aside do you ever get any holidays just the 4 of you, or is all your leave taken up with visiting.

That's what's annoying me as well, I think. Why do I have to go?! He and the kids had a great time last year when I wasn't there. It annoys me that he's pissed off, which is stupid. On another unrelated topic, I have suggested buying a super king size bed because our double is too small for my starfish sleeping position, and he had a face on about that as well. A bigger bed would benefit him! I think he feels I don't want to be close to him 🤨

I think your reason for going is perfectly valid. Some employers might not care if you ask for time off soon after starting a new job but I wouldn't be prepared to take the risk. I have in laws who visit when it's best for them (which is fine) but have a job which means I can't take time off at certain times of the year so sometimes I can't see them as much if they visit over those times. I'm not sure they understand the reasons but it is what it is so we work around it.

You're exactly right, and I was even thinking that when they asked me if I had any holiday booked. It's a good excuse.

Actually I hope that if I ever get to be a MIL I’ll be able to see my DC and DGC on their own , I haven’t even met any potential in-laws yet , I hope we’ll all get on well and enjoy each other’s company but I also hope I’ll be able to spend one to one time as well.

Oh I know that face so well! Spent many years waiting for it to look enthused about my plans. Never happened. Nowadays I just buy the bed. A month later and he totally thinks it was all his idea anyway.
New job is a great distraction ploy, totally legit. Let Dad and kids go off together without you, kills a week of the long summer hols for kids entertainment purposes too!

He likes visiting them but his mum constantly talks (usually at me) so maybe I dilute the attention on him when I go? He absolutely saw the visit as a break when the kids were little, he barely lifted a finger while we were there. I did all the child work and his mum did all the cooking etc. He has improved since then, just to add.

I see no reason at all why he can't take the kids and visit his own parents without you at least one of these 4 or 5 times a year, every year. That's an awful lot of time to take off work rather than go on a nice family holiday.

When do you get to go on "holiday" holidays with all your a/l being eaten up by ILs ?

Absolutely you are NBU. What a nice week you’ll have at home, the kids will have with the grandparents, as for him? Well that’s his problem.

Thanks for your replies everyone! I am worried that it wouldn't leave a good impression with my new job if I asked for time off now, but I kind of did engineer it that way so... 🤷‍♀️. If the consensus was that I was BU then I'd take the risk and try and get some time off but the majority seem to think DH and kids should go on their own so I guess I'll stick to my original decision.