To not go to the in laws with DH and kids this summer

[DratThatCat]

I know this is a common AIBU so I apologise but I can't figure out if I'm being unreasonable or not so would appreciate your opinions.

We live about 5 hours away from the in laws so we usually visit them 3 or 4 times a year, for 4/5 nights at a time. We stay with them at their house. They used to visit and stay with us maybe 2 or 3 times a year but has maybe been once a year since covid.

My issue is that I have just got a new job (found out today!) and I'll be looking at a start date of late July/early August. At the time of the interview we hadn't set a date for visiting them over the summer so when they (the interviewers) asked if I had any holidays booked I said no. DH has now asked when we're going to in laws and I said I probably won't be able to go as I'll have just started my new job and I've already said I didn't have any holidays booked. He is pissed off.

In the interest of transparency, I hate going. I don't let this show to DH or the kids, although DH knows I'm not overly enthused. I didn't go for one visit last year due to the same reason, I'd just started a new job. I did go for all subsequent visits and all visits this year, which to be fair has only been one at Easter.

YANBU - You have good reason not to go, it's not the end of the world
YABU - You should go, suck it up buttercup

I am pretty happy with him. There's just certain things, usually to do with his parents, that really piss me off and I can't seem to let go of. The kids love going. They love their grandparents and they love seeing their cousins that live nearby.

No, I have no idea how to find things

It was about a long weekend in a hotel. The husband didnt want to go and even OP described her own parents as a bit intense.

You don't know why he wants you to go?

It's one of two areas I feel

1. He would miss you/He loves your company
2. You do the cleaning and cooking and childcare there too/He wants time to chill and you not being there would put him into work

1. Go
2. Stay home

I'm loving the idea of separate holidays but we're not rich by any means and we could only just afford one holiday a year. But I could take the kids out on day trips to give him some time on his own.

If I were you - I’d go twice a year simply because lovely to see children happy and enjoying and for my DH.

any more - nope. But I would be honest about it to my DH rather than make up excuses

Do they visit you?

DH can take the kids to his parents. Sounds fine to me 😁

Probably about once a year since covid. I don't mind it so much when they come here, it seems a bit easier to cope with. As long as DH has booked time off to spend with them as well of course.

Out of interest - why don’t you like your inlaws?

I think it's more that OP can be used as main person to listen to his DM.

You hate going

and all you have said about your inlaws is that your MIL does all the cooking and talks at you?

Seems to me op you have done enough entertaining of his dps over the years. Leave him to it from now on.

your mil does all the cooking
and your children and 10 and 12 and off with their cousins

doesn’t sound like too much childcare involved?

I'd divorce my DH for doing that. The absolute nerve of him.

YANBU, OP. And why do I just know that if the boot were on the other foot, your DH was starting a new job and had to bail out of seeing your parents, you wouldn't raise a single objection and nor would anyone else.

Even if the ILs were the most marvellous people in the world and their house a delight to stay out, most people would be somewhat jaded by going there 3-4 times per year for 5 days at a time with no proper family holiday.

It annoys me that he's pissed off, which is stupid
He's probably pissed off because he knows you're using the new job as an excuse not to go, and you don't want to go, but won't say.

I think he feels I don't want to be close to him Why would you assume that's what he thinks? If he did think that - is he right?

Even though you say you're happy otherwise it feels like there's a lot of missing communication here. I can't believe he saves up most of his annual leave to visit his parents meaning you don't get alone holiday time as a family, that's bonkers.

I wouldn't expect to be going!!

Your DH has no right to be pissed off! He's lucky you go 3-4 times a year when you don't want to go. If it was me I MIGHT go once a year, whether I liked them or not. But 3-4 times is a bit much. He's being very unreasonable and I'd be telling him if he makes a fuss he'll be going on his own more often. He's being really selfish about it.

Several reasons, I won't be too specific but...

1. She talks non stop. I am not a talker. I cannot cope with being talked at all the time, especially first thing in the morning and especially when it's obvious I'm reading a book.
2. She's smug.
3. She oversteps boundaries.

Reasons I don't like going to theirs that are unrelated to the in-laws:

1. The drive is torturous with a bad back
2. As soon as we cross into the county I feel claustrophobic.
3. Their neighbours are horrible; loud music all hours, shouting, swearing etc.
4. I'm an introvert and every day we're there has been planned meticulously (by MIL) to involve as many relatives as possible.

Before anyone comments, I'm sure she has plenty to negative things to say about my personality and I agree, I am far from perfect. I think it's just a personality clash. I also think it's the pressure from DH to enjoy his family and all that comes with it. Im not allowed to express anything negative about them or his home county. Not that I want to be saying bad things about his family, but hopefully you know what I mean.

Sorry, that last message formatted really badly 🤦🏻‍♀️

Op the more you write

the more I think your DH sounds selfish, thoughtless and quite frankly - a twat

You don't need to go, and I don't understand grown adults who can't go see their OWN parents without partner there. Sounds like he wants help with kids and so you can be a buffer with his mum.
No matter how much I got on with DIL, I'd love to see my son alone sometimes.

Don't go OP. I agree it's a bad start to ask for leave as soon as you start, esepcially after saying nothing in the interview. Your husband will be fine, and get over it. It's his family after all and it's not like you never seem them. Tell him it will be nice for him to spend quality family time with his parents.

You're probably right. More open communication is needed but I don't want to upset him. Although he's already upset with the ways things are.

I'm assuming he thinks that I don't want to be close to him because we've had issues in the past where he thinks me not being a touchy person means I don't care. I do care, obviously, Im just not a physical affection kind of person. But I realise that he is so I make an effort. I also don't wear a wedding ring because it sets off dermatitis on my hands. He wasn't/isn't happy about this.

You sound like a saint doing that journey 4/5 times a year.

He sounds like a selfish arse.

Stick to your guns and make it a regular break.

Start taking the children on your own to your parents so it evens out!

Good luck with the job.

Thank you everyone who has commented. I've read them all and they're all appreciated.