To not go to the in laws with DH and kids this summer

[DratThatCat]

I know this is a common AIBU so I apologise but I can't figure out if I'm being unreasonable or not so would appreciate your opinions.

We live about 5 hours away from the in laws so we usually visit them 3 or 4 times a year, for 4/5 nights at a time. We stay with them at their house. They used to visit and stay with us maybe 2 or 3 times a year but has maybe been once a year since covid.

My issue is that I have just got a new job (found out today!) and I'll be looking at a start date of late July/early August. At the time of the interview we hadn't set a date for visiting them over the summer so when they (the interviewers) asked if I had any holidays booked I said no. DH has now asked when we're going to in laws and I said I probably won't be able to go as I'll have just started my new job and I've already said I didn't have any holidays booked. He is pissed off.

In the interest of transparency, I hate going. I don't let this show to DH or the kids, although DH knows I'm not overly enthused. I didn't go for one visit last year due to the same reason, I'd just started a new job. I did go for all subsequent visits and all visits this year, which to be fair has only been one at Easter.

YANBU - You have good reason not to go, it's not the end of the world
YABU - You should go, suck it up buttercup

I think you need to talk to him honestly. Realistically this holiday arrangement won't continue forever + everyone is growing out of it. But he sounds like my husband, who struggled to understand this because he feels so "at home" in their house. You will have to be the bad guy + spell it out that holidays have to work for everyone to relax + to have space to chill. I suggest avoiding being too negative about his parents; reinforce how great it is that the kids still want to do it, and you don't want your new job to ruin that this year as the kids are growing fast + will grow out of it. Stick to safer arguements; saving holiday days in the new job, that you could do with some clear head space when you start + you don't want you stressing about your new job to ruin that. Perhaps saying that you'll help with packing will help!

My family used to holiday at the in-laws (not as often as you!). With little kids + youthful in-laws, it was fine to squeeze in their home. It was nice to see the in-laws bond with the kids, do bedtime + take them to parks.
But when the kids grew into pre-teens, the house just wasn't big enough. Kids squeezed into bunks, were constantly bored + fighting. Covid changed my in-laws, they became much older + set in their ways. (Didn't we all?) The different generations clashed + my husband sided with his parents. The in-laws hated the kids backchat + complained about their phones, screen time or watching too much youtube on TV. The kids + I felt constantly on edge + judged.
The crazy final straw was named "tuna gate"! The 10yr old refused a tuna sandwich. It was not what he asked for but a misunderstanding. In-laws said he'd get nothing else until he ate it. Husband agreed. DC refused. It was a ridiculous tuna stand off!

After we got home I told husband we had grown out of the holiday arrangement. He took a lot of pursuasion + I was constantly pointing out its our holiday too, but next visit we rented a cottage to stay nearby, using kids needing own rooms as an excuse. That visit was so much nicer! And the in-laws admitted that they had been finding us staying with them hard work, lots of cooking, cleaning, kids taking over the TV + no breaks.
I try to walk that fine line about my in-laws. They are nice people with good intentions. But we live very differently and in small doses is better to avoid getting on each others nerves.

I’d have this one at home then rave about how great it was to get some down time without any responsibility and how you loved the peace and quiet.
ld be repeating that going forward, you’ll only be doing 50% of the visits as of course you love catching up with pils too.

I hope no one is making you feel as if you're BU here. You go for this family trip regularly, usually multiple times a year, and tbh that's quite enough. It's HIS parents, presumably they want to see HIM. As others have noted, I'm not a MIL yet but I imagine I'd be just as happy to just see my DC as I would to see my DC + their spouse. Basically, I would absolutely understand if they wanted a break or if a new job had started etc.

My own story: I was the first DIL in a family with three sons. The next son didn't marry for another 8 years or so, so I spent a good long time being the only 'outsider' in the family, and it was very hard being in that spotlight. I tried very hard but the constant criticism (they're German, I put it down to their Germanness but with subsequent SIL's marrying into the family I've been assured that no, my PIL are just exceptionally harsh and critical of their own children, so they do it to us as well. And I mean things like "this is my DIL, she is too fat" etc, before you think I'm being precious) really wore me down. I put an end to it full stop when they started in on my DS.

We still visit but very briefly, for large family gatherings only so we aren't the centre of scrutiny. The middle DIL has done the same, and the youngest is learning quickly as she's just had a baby and is trying to be close with MIL but can't escape the constant "the baby is too fat, you are feeding him too much" (totally breastfed btw!) and whatnot. She just can't fucking let up.

Sorry that turned into a longwinded story! I think I'm basically saying that your situation could be worse, but also, you do visit them regularly so the odd visit without you really should be fine. Especially if they're orchestrating loads of extended family to visit.

Don’t go. Use the job as an excuse if you must - and as others have said, you won’t have accrued any holiday allowance yet meaning if they did agree time off it would potentially be unpaid.

Aside from that using all your annual leave doing 5 hour drives to see your in laws and not getting a proper holiday is not on.

Your DH is a selfish twat who obviously doesn’t like to rock the boat with his mother.

Given the age of your kids, it won’t be long before they don’t want to be spending every holiday at the grandparents place…

OP, I feel you. My MiL is a really nice person and she likes me a lot, but she talks all the time and expects me to pay attention to all of it and it's quite hard work to stay focussed. (I have had to indicate to DH that I need to be rescued or recused after awhile).

I would show your husband this thread. So he can realise you have been an absolute saint to spend so much time with your in-laws in the past ……… and YANBU to want to go less (completely separate to having new job).

Is it not possible to go now before you start? I'm not a fan of splitting up holidays, where some of the family go away while one stays at home, I think it's a family holiday so you all go together

Going to the in-laws isn’t a holiday though, especially 4 times a year.
DH used to try and say our visits were holidays but staying in someone else’s house especially when you aren’t enjoying yourself/not relaxing, is not a holiday!

All the people saying op is great to go so often, it's just so strange! Do you really all act like that? Op lives half an hour from her parents, she's extremely lucky, Op's dh lives hours from his and so it has to be a trip-in the future if your children are like this are you hand on heart going to say 'oh a few times a year is too much to see you, we don't mind if it's less, god your wife is a saint to come along!' Really really strange replies, mn just seems to hate extended family!!!

YANBU - firstly to be clear DH knows you don't like doing - it doesn't matter how good we think we are at hiding it we're not that good! But, that's a long haul visit to do every couple of months so its not unreasonable to opt out of at least 1 a year (I'm in pretty much the same position but actually quite like going so long as its only once or twice a year) My DH started taking the kiddos up on his own during the school holidays just after DD3 was born so I could get some one on one bonding time with her and I enjoyed it so much its become a thing every year - no-one minds, its 'mums break' and everyone knows it. I get loads of stuff done (decluttering is my fav and goes so much easier when the kiddos aren't around ;-) ) and get some quality recharge time, the kids and hubster love getting spoiled by granny and granny loves the opportunity to be in charge for a while - win-win is the way I see it - maybe you need to have an honest convo with your hubby about just letting you have a break and the world won't collapse for it! ps I get not wanting to ask for time off immediately after starting a new job, its a very awkward conversation to start with and its not like its a 'special occasion' that couldn't be rearranged for AFTER you've completed your probationary period!

I haven't visited my IL for 3 years in a row. And not going this summer. They live abroad and neither of us communicate as we do not speak common language. It's always been a chore to visit them, but my DH and kids love there. So they all go and I have a week in a house by myself. I do work, but still somehow feel like I am on holiday.
I do feel guilty for not going, but I have never enjoyed doing that over the years and covid somehow gave me 'good idea'.

Sorry. You have a DH problem

It's all about him

Definitely worth reading the OP's posts at least then...

We used to have this when DS was little. So DH drove DS down one weekend, stayed for 2 or 3 days. Left DS with his grandparents and we both went back the following weekend and stayed one or two nights. Easy to have two of us in the car for the return journey when DS wasn’t happy about not having a 5 journey with no sweets. Thanks grandparents.

Regarding the bed. Loads of people need a bigger bed or they wouldnt sell them. He might not be happy but I’m sure you can convince him when you have a new bed that he won’t be rejected.

Annual leave. If he saves all his A/L to visit his parents then shouldn’t you holiday with your parents as well? Yes I get they live 5 hours away but they could come to you as an additional visit. It shouldn’t all be on you.

Talk to your husband clearly and calmly and explain what you will and won’t put up with.

Absolutely fine for your dh and the dc to go and enjoy their time with them. They are his parents and he should have alone time with them, as it's very different to the whole family visiting. When my mum used to come visit us, I'd often do things one on one with her or just with the dc. If in laws live 5 hours away, it means that dh never gets time with them without you surely. So would be great for him to have that, and more time for dc as well when they don't have an extra adult to cater for for the week.

How would you feel if your DH refused to go with you to see your parents?
Because he found your Dad really really annoying and hated the town they live in?

With the result he only saw them once a year.

Honestly, how would you feel about that?

Exactly this. Even if the woman is the main earner, there is still a ridiculous expectation that she’ll be available.

I no longer play that game. A few days of a sniping MiL is not how I choose to spend my spare time.

Your update about your DH inviting them to your home and then expecting you to look after them sounds like he expects you to take on the emotional labour.

Does he visit your parents with you or do you sometimes / always go alone?

When did you last visit them and how many visits have you had in the past year?

Perhaps he could drive the children up and then you could take the train and join them for a few days? This could be easier on your back and show willing on the visit front.

A five hour journey and one of 30 minutes are very different scenarios.

OP isn't saying she plans to only see the In laws once a year so what are you talking about?

And give up the perfect excuse?

I used this when my in laws wanted me to come for the full 2.5 weeks of their 60th birthday holiday.

MIL kept saying, "tell them that it's for two 60th birthdays, a 21st birthday and a wedding anniversary".

I told my line manager just that, only I added, "on no account authorise 2.5 weeks, just one week will be enough".

Husband went for both weeks, I had a lovely time doing DIY the rest of his absence!

Wow! I didn't expect so many responses since I last checked! I have to go out for a few hours today but I will return later to reply and read the comments properly.

Why can't your DH put his big boy pants on and go to his parents without you?

Does you being there mean there's a whole load of work and mental load that he doesn't have to do because it all falls to you?

Surely at that age your kids don't need too much organising? Neither had any disability/neurodivergence or you'd have mentioned it?

Why hadnt dates for a visit been agreed? Does this mental load fall to you too?

Yes would deal with this ONE visit

but what about the next and the one after that and after that and so on

be honest now. I’d agree to one or two a year because I’d love to spend time with my children given the Op says they absolutely love going. But I’d be very Frank with my MIL (not just for my sake but my maturing children who will begin to be aware of tension). But any more - no.

Don't feel bad about it, sometimes responsibilities clash. Focus on settling in your new job and don't let anyone guilt trip you about it.