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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to the in laws with DH and kids this summer

223 replies

DratThatCat · 07/07/2023 15:12

I know this is a common AIBU so I apologise but I can't figure out if I'm being unreasonable or not so would appreciate your opinions.

We live about 5 hours away from the in laws so we usually visit them 3 or 4 times a year, for 4/5 nights at a time. We stay with them at their house. They used to visit and stay with us maybe 2 or 3 times a year but has maybe been once a year since covid.

My issue is that I have just got a new job (found out today!) and I'll be looking at a start date of late July/early August. At the time of the interview we hadn't set a date for visiting them over the summer so when they (the interviewers) asked if I had any holidays booked I said no. DH has now asked when we're going to in laws and I said I probably won't be able to go as I'll have just started my new job and I've already said I didn't have any holidays booked. He is pissed off.

In the interest of transparency, I hate going. I don't let this show to DH or the kids, although DH knows I'm not overly enthused. I didn't go for one visit last year due to the same reason, I'd just started a new job. I did go for all subsequent visits and all visits this year, which to be fair has only been one at Easter.

YANBU - You have good reason not to go, it's not the end of the world
YABU - You should go, suck it up buttercup

OP posts:
Booklover75 · 09/07/2023 13:31

Coming at this from a different perspective, my parents live about five hours away. We go to see them around three times a year and they come here around twice plus they often join us on family uk holidays. Everyone saying once or twice a year is enough for these kinds of visits, how would you feel if your grown up children felt once or twice a year was enough to see you?! OH comes with me every trip, we share the driving and he understands that we're all family now and kids and I need to see grandparents regularly, kids would I be think also be disappointed not to see him for the weekend . We are lucky his parents live on the doorstep and we don't need to make the effort both ways. However, I do agree about using annual leave for your family as well to get a better balance OP. We tend to stay three nights and try and time with Xmas, may, Easter bank hols etc, save the holiday days for our family holidays.

Islandgirl68 · 09/07/2023 13:31

I go to my mums every summer on my own with the kids. Not much fun for my DH, as I get to catch up with old school friends and old work friends. So he stays home having peace and quiet and I get to catch up with friends and kids get to enjoy hebridean beaches. Ou don't have to go every time. Your DH is more than capable of taking his own kids to see his family. Good luck with the new job.

Minniliscious · 09/07/2023 13:34

YANBU. My in laws live a couple of hours away and I only go during the crimbo limbo period. My DH and DS go a few times a year so I get a nice break. I hate going as well. They have adult children still living at home so it’s always packed with people and so unclean. No one stops talking so I just feel very stressed when I’m there. Looking at an excuse to not go over the Christmas period this year ….

Jesseweneedtocook · 09/07/2023 14:03

Honestly, this sounds like a hell of a lot to be visiting one set of people op! That would be the majority of my annual leave allowance!!

Your partner can go on his own, or he can take the kids with him, or the in laws can come to you or you can see them another time.

Honestly life is too short to spend this much annual leave/time off work doing stuff you don't want to do 🐱

AcrossthePond55 · 09/07/2023 14:05

@DratThatCat

YADNBU! My DH only went with us on our visits 'home' every 3d or 4th year. It wasn't that he didn't like my family, it's just that he felt it wasn't the best use of his limited (USA) vacation time. He wanted to save that for family holidays or for his sport. Plus I didn't have any male relatives around his age to 'hang out' with so he'd have been stuck hanging with old men or going shopping or places with a bunch of women. Didn't bother me a bit. I was able to really enjoy being with my family without worrying that he wasn't having a good time and he was able to get some 'me time' and usually did some uninterrupted DIY.

Where I am it is EXTREMELY frowned on in a new job to take vacation leave during your first year. You're supposed to be trying to 'prove yourself'. Preplanned before hiring is fine.

YerArseInParsley · 09/07/2023 14:12

DratThatCat · 07/07/2023 15:40

Thanks for your replies everyone! I am worried that it wouldn't leave a good impression with my new job if I asked for time off now, but I kind of did engineer it that way so... 🤷‍♀️. If the consensus was that I was BU then I'd take the risk and try and get some time off but the majority seem to think DH and kids should go on their own so I guess I'll stick to my original decision.

Yeah, let partner and kids go alone. You now have the perfect excuse if you don't want to go in the future, you can say your AL was denied because someone else has that week off then you can cut your visits down to 2 per year whilst husband takes the kids 4 times. You could always be honest and tell your husband you don't want to go that many times but i suspect you'll just get grief.

Do yous get to go on any actual holidays on your own as a family? You say yous see your parents a few times a month, does that include your husband, does he go to visit your parents or do they come to you?

Floogal · 09/07/2023 14:14

How do him and your parents get on? I can totally understand why you don't want to use your AL just to be bored and stressed out . But how come it's okay for him to accept yours being around so often?

dapsnotplimsolls · 09/07/2023 14:19

If the shoe was on the other foot, you can guarantee he wouldn't be happy about giving up so much AL to visit your parents, your relatives, your friends in your beloved home-town.

phoenixrosehere · 09/07/2023 14:24

stayathomer · 09/07/2023 12:04

All the people saying op is great to go so often, it's just so strange! Do you really all act like that? Op lives half an hour from her parents, she's extremely lucky, Op's dh lives hours from his and so it has to be a trip-in the future if your children are like this are you hand on heart going to say 'oh a few times a year is too much to see you, we don't mind if it's less, god your wife is a saint to come along!' Really really strange replies, mn just seems to hate extended family!!!

My in-laws live 10+ hours rt and my parents live about 14+ hours rt with a 9+ hour car ride.

We obviously see DH’s side more since they are in the same country, but it is us with two children in tow (one SN) doing most of the travelling and the cost. As much as I get on with them, seeing them is not a holiday for DH and I. DH’s parents visit us twice a year and we’re happy to see them but DH also is exhausted by them by the morning of day 4.

My parents come once a year to once every 2 years and stay for 10-12 days because it’s easier for them to come to us than for us to them and he doesn’t mind them staying as long because they’re here more to spend time with their grandchildren than visit us and it’s a different dynamic than when his parents visit.

Saying that, I would never want to live/move close to either of them for the sanity of both DH and I, but still like seeing my in-laws a few times a year.

HamstersAreMyLife · 09/07/2023 14:37

I'm not doing the next visit to my inlaws either. Hubby is taking the kids for 2 weeks and I've already been for 10 days this year and really don't want to spend all my annual leave effectively visiting parents. It isn't a holiday for me and I want to spend time off relaxing so I've said no. He isn't happy but it will be good for him to feel the responsibility of travelling several hours with kids and looking after them alone.

Morred · 09/07/2023 14:47

Another excuse to throw in the mix is presumably you need to “bank” leave as you’re earning it in your new job so you can do any emergency days at home when the kids are sick? From the rest of your posts I am getting the impression that your DH won’t be taking a day’s AL for that and would leave it up to you.

unicornhair · 09/07/2023 14:53

I don’t think OP needs an excuse - she’s visiting them a few times a year when it’s a considerable distance.
what’s wrong with a grown adult man going to visit his parents on his own without a wife to manage the visit. It’s so childish. Like I said before, plenty of women seem to manage it.
my friend has the same problem, her problem is he ‘doesn’t like the drive’ or ‘going on his own’ clearly he needs to grow up.

Tophy124 · 09/07/2023 14:56

I suspect your DH is not wanting to parent his children on his own. Ridiculous. I fly overseas with two very young children alone when my husband can’t come due to work. I wouldn’t have any empathy for your husband travelling 5 hours in a car with 2 pre-teens who won’t need much looking after. It’s HIS family and sounds like you go a lot!

phoenixrosehere · 09/07/2023 14:58

Floogal · 09/07/2023 14:14

How do him and your parents get on? I can totally understand why you don't want to use your AL just to be bored and stressed out . But how come it's okay for him to accept yours being around so often?

Where does it say they are around often and that he has to go with her to see them or be there when they visit.

They’re 30 minutes away so they won’t be staying the night and the kids are 10 and 12.

DH’s sister lives 10 minutes from their parents and I see her husband maybe once out of a week, if at all when we’ve been there for a week or more. Same when DH’s brother and his wife lived 30 minutes away. I see DH’s siblings and our niece and nephews more than I see their spouses and don’t see anything wrong with that. DH also goes up on his own to see his family.

I think it would be weird for an adult child not to be able to be or spend time alone with their own parent(s) without their spouse.

theGooHasGone · 09/07/2023 14:58

Sounds like he's taking the piss honestly. If you don't want to go you don't have to go, and you have a perfect excuse not to this time. Life's too short to put up with constantly doing things you don't want to.

Tophy124 · 09/07/2023 14:59

Also as someone with both families 2 days trips away (one via car and one via flying) we only go to each family every few years. It’s exhausting and hard work being a guest in anyone’s home for more than a few days, we ever have our own space and we end up doing what other people want the entire time and we come home usually exhausted. It’s not a holiday for us. So we also prioritize family holidays too.

DojaPhat · 09/07/2023 14:59

I HRWFT but I don't think you should feel bad for not wanting to visit this time or indeed visit so often and therefore finding a (what I would call extremely reasonable) excuse to miss it this time! Take opportunities where you can! If next year you find you're in charge of organising the company Summer fete which means you have to skip the visit again then so be it!

katepilar · 09/07/2023 15:14

I dont see the corelation between "I said I dont have any holidays booked" and " I cant book any holiday" but I dont have enough experience of UK work culture/etiquette to know whether this is an absolute no go short after starting a job.
I think your DH can and should go on his own, you dont have to tag along all the time. Depending on the ages of the children there is also an option of them staying on their own with the grandparents.

Fillyourshoes · 09/07/2023 15:19

HarrietStyles · 09/07/2023 11:52

I would show your husband this thread. So he can realise you have been an absolute saint to spend so much time with your in-laws in the past ……… and YANBU to want to go less (completely separate to having new job).

Aways make me chuckle when I see the advice for a poster to show her husband a mumsnet thread. 😂

Fillyourshoes · 09/07/2023 15:23

Booklover75 · 09/07/2023 13:31

Coming at this from a different perspective, my parents live about five hours away. We go to see them around three times a year and they come here around twice plus they often join us on family uk holidays. Everyone saying once or twice a year is enough for these kinds of visits, how would you feel if your grown up children felt once or twice a year was enough to see you?! OH comes with me every trip, we share the driving and he understands that we're all family now and kids and I need to see grandparents regularly, kids would I be think also be disappointed not to see him for the weekend . We are lucky his parents live on the doorstep and we don't need to make the effort both ways. However, I do agree about using annual leave for your family as well to get a better balance OP. We tend to stay three nights and try and time with Xmas, may, Easter bank hols etc, save the holiday days for our family holidays.

It is entirely relationship specific

Me? If my mother was still alive I would LOVE to visit half a dozen times a year!

if it was my MIL (now ex) who I love dearly… maybe no more than 3 times a year

whereas my poor sister has a bloody awful MIL, and in her shoes… it would be a once a year at a push

Fillyourshoes · 09/07/2023 15:24

Morred · 09/07/2023 14:47

Another excuse to throw in the mix is presumably you need to “bank” leave as you’re earning it in your new job so you can do any emergency days at home when the kids are sick? From the rest of your posts I am getting the impression that your DH won’t be taking a day’s AL for that and would leave it up to you.

And another post advocating an excuse that won’t deal with all the multiple visits that lie ahead.

You need to be honest with your DH and come to an agreement re what you are prepared to do for him and the children and what you are not prepared to do

standardduck · 09/07/2023 15:44

OP, other than this incident, how's your relationship with your family otherwise?

Are you close? Do you talk regularly? Do you visit each other?

stichguru · 09/07/2023 16:04

Your attitude frankly stinks. It's fine not to really want to go to your in laws. It's also fine not to be able to get the time off because of your new job. When the holiday is presumably it's a month or so away, vaguely saying you probably can't go is rude to your family and in-laws who will be planning what will happen on the trip. Either 1) ask your employer if you can go, and tell your family the honest answer, or 2) decide you don't want to ask your employer because that would look bad, so say you won't go. If you really don't want to go then, do 2 even if it's really more that you don't want to go than not wanting to ask your employer if you can. Pretending that you maybe can't go, not bothering to find out if you can, and not committing either way is you being rude, not you having issues with your work.

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 09/07/2023 16:07

Tophy124 · 09/07/2023 14:56

I suspect your DH is not wanting to parent his children on his own. Ridiculous. I fly overseas with two very young children alone when my husband can’t come due to work. I wouldn’t have any empathy for your husband travelling 5 hours in a car with 2 pre-teens who won’t need much looking after. It’s HIS family and sounds like you go a lot!

I thought this too.

Fillyourshoes · 09/07/2023 16:09

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 09/07/2023 16:07

I thought this too.

Show quote history

They are 10 and 12

His mother does all the cooking

They absolutely love being there and with their cousins

not much heavy childcare involved!