To not go to the in laws with DH and kids this summer

[DratThatCat]

I know this is a common AIBU so I apologise but I can't figure out if I'm being unreasonable or not so would appreciate your opinions.

We live about 5 hours away from the in laws so we usually visit them 3 or 4 times a year, for 4/5 nights at a time. We stay with them at their house. They used to visit and stay with us maybe 2 or 3 times a year but has maybe been once a year since covid.

My issue is that I have just got a new job (found out today!) and I'll be looking at a start date of late July/early August. At the time of the interview we hadn't set a date for visiting them over the summer so when they (the interviewers) asked if I had any holidays booked I said no. DH has now asked when we're going to in laws and I said I probably won't be able to go as I'll have just started my new job and I've already said I didn't have any holidays booked. He is pissed off.

In the interest of transparency, I hate going. I don't let this show to DH or the kids, although DH knows I'm not overly enthused. I didn't go for one visit last year due to the same reason, I'd just started a new job. I did go for all subsequent visits and all visits this year, which to be fair has only been one at Easter.

YANBU - You have good reason not to go, it's not the end of the world
YABU - You should go, suck it up buttercup

That tends to happen when there are difficulties in communication within families, I find. People in comfortable and safe relationships find it easier to be honest.

Exactly

the issues isn’t just between the OP and inlaws

It is a poor marriage where one party feels unable to be honest

My family live 5 hours drive away and when our children were young I often took them on my own and now I sometimes go without DH but always give him the option of coming. I think 3-4 times is a lot if you are working and need to use AL and wouldn't be happy you get no family holiday.

YANBU. I think he either thinks it will be a lot for him to cope with if you are not there to dilute the talking at etc etc. or he is annoyed at having to parent alone. They are his family though so he should suck it up or cut the visits down.

Some posters are really ignoring so much of the context in this thread. It’s not an “in-laws” thread. It’s a thread about a an OP who is married to a man-child in a relationship with very unhealthy communication and conflict resolution. The angst surrounding visits to the in-laws is a symptom, not the cause of the strife here.

I remember when my two were still very young DH wanted to go on a family holiday to a location that I had specifically said that I didn't want to go back to and stay in a hotel that I wasn't happy staying in. He took the kids and went anyway. They had a lovely time and did stuff together and I was happy staying at home. I realise that it's not the same situation as the one you find yourself in, but suffice to say, everyone survived and while DH might not have been ecstatic about it at first, they all came back home with big smiles on their faces. I think the break away did us all a power of good.

If you can, try and spin it like that - it'll do everyone, your DH, the kids and you.

Also, if this is the only family holiday away, I think it's a bit unfair that it's spent going to his parent's place. Perhaps start with him going to see his parents on a Friday after work and home to you and the kids by Sunday. Every so often, you and the kids can join him on these trips but they are much shorter and it still leaves you time during the rest of the year to have a different family break away somewhere.

It’s his parents not yours. If you don’t go or can’t go then that’s up to you.

Ok, so to reply to some points raised:

-The kids are NT, so no issues there

-I worked out that we spend an average of 16 hours per month with his parents and an average of 6 with mine. He gets on well with my parents and comes on most visits, although I ALWAYS give him the option to stay at home and chill.

-I don't want to portray him in a (more) negative light (or to drip feed, sorry) but years ago he did have some issues with being controlling but after I told him in no uncertain terms that it wasn't acceptable, he has improved. I think I am sensitive to signs of him being controlling again which is why I feel like digging my heels in over this.

-Everyone who has mentioned a lack of communication, you're absolutely right. I do just need to tell him I don't want to go on every visit and that's perfectly acceptable. His reaction to that is his responsibility, but that's easier said than done when it's your husband in question.

-We do have a good relationship. We've been through ups and downs but we've worked through them. He's a good husband and a brilliant dad. Maybe if I felt able to communicate a little more openly we wouldn't have these issues 🤷‍♀️

I have no family in the UK - when I married my husband I made it clear that it wouldn't mean that we would be spending every Christmas etc with them...we would be doing what we would do if I did have family...alternating years (no children, neither of us wanted them).

He really liked it, and more importantly, his family realised - or had the sense - not to make a fuss about it. I pretty sure his mother wasn't a 100% happy about it but she also was smart enough not to rock the boat...she did tell me once when she'd had a few drinks that she was grateful I hadn't made him move to my home country!

*every Christmas etc with his family

@Togiveandtoreceive where did OP say that ? Nowhere!
She spends all her AL at her in laws.
4x a year there is more to life !

Did you mean to tag me?

Apologies! I thought you were referring to my question

I stopped visiting my in-laws years ago. They are awful and I couldn't face it anymore. It's bliss. I send DH & kids on their merry ways while I stay at home and get some much needed rest from it all. Highly recommend.

YANBU

Don't feel bad. Don't go if you don't want to. As a mum I think u will probably spend your whole life doing everything for your husband and kids. So have a bit of a break. Let them manage without you. Why do you need to be the centre of everything? (Rhetorical question).
Let dad and in-laws have time together and you have some me time and get ready for your new job. Stop feeling guilty. It's absolutely fine!

Sounds to me like it would be perfect for you to get some peaceful time at home to really concentrate on your first impression in the new job. He gets to visit his family, the kids get to see GPS - it sounds win win!

Its not like they’re babies and it’s going to be hard for him - even if it were, sometimes you need to suck it up (talking to your DH)

Your DH is pissed off because he prefers you all to go to his parents as a family. You knew a visit was likely at your job interview, but did not mention it. (Deliberately?)
You used the same excuse last year. Nobody can deny that family visits and/or holidays are a lot easier if both parents are present, unless of course one parent is particularly difficult. Be thankful your DH wants you there and don’t let him down again.

Wow... just wow.

Women! Know your place!

Do his dps do everything as a couple? Maybe he is worried your marriage will appear in trouble if he goes alone?

4 or 5 times a year????? I saw my MIL twice in 5 years. YANBU.

Maybe he needs to listen to his wife and her feelings. Once a year go ad a family, more than that he can go on his own and bring the kids. He is more than capable of looking after his own kids. It is 2023.

I don't know if we're odd (my first MN thread was asking if it was ok to holiday without my husband as he doesn't like it, and I was relieved that a lot of other people do this) but we tend to do our own thing. If one of us wants to see our parents, and the other doesn't, we just go alone. You don't need to do it together. And he should definitely arrange his own trips away.