Page 2 | To not go to the in laws with DH and kids this summer

DratThatCat · 2023-07-07T14:12:50+00:00

I know this is a common AIBU so I apologise but I can't figure out if I'm being unreasonable or not so would appreciate your opinions. We live about 5 hours away from the in laws so we usually visit them 3 or 4 times a year, for 4/5 nights at a time. We stay with them at their house. They used to visit and stay with us maybe 2 or 3 times a year but has maybe been once a year since covid. My issue is that I have just got a new job (found out today!) and I'll be looking at a start date of late July/early August. At the time of the interview we hadn't set a date for visiting them over the summer so when they (the interviewers) asked if I had any holidays booked I said no. DH has now asked when we're going to in laws and I said I probably won't be able to go as I'll have just started my new job and I've already said I didn't have any holidays booked. He is pissed off. In the interest of transparency, I hate going. I don't let this show to DH or the kids, although DH knows I'm not overly enthused. I didn't go for one visit last year due to the same reason, I'd just started a new job. I did go for all subsequent visits and all visits this year, which to be fair has only been one at Easter. YANBU - You have good reason not to go, it's not the end of the world YABU - You should go, suck it up buttercup

oldestmumaintheworld · 07/07/2023 15:42

I don't think you are unreasonable at all. They are not your parents and you shouldn't be expected to use your holiday to visit them. When do you get a holiday? Ever? Or is it just more days of childcare and entertainment.
The all too familiar cats bum face on a husband who isn't getting what he wants leads to more divorces than we like to think.
Go for it without any guilt.

Original poster

DratThatCat · 07/07/2023 15:43

And to answer the questions about when we spend time together as a family, it's just weekends really. We have a week's holiday, just the 4 of us, usually to a haven every 2 or 3 years but DH tends to save his A/L for his visits 'home'.

OP posts:

phoenixrosehere · 07/07/2023 15:43

YANBU

Seems odd he would be upset especially since he has taken them alone before.

I wish I could just send my DH up with our sons alone to visit his parents. I get on with them, but if I had to choose between work and coming back to an empty house for a few days vs being in a car for 10+ hours (hopefully) round trip and having to do be on low level alert for days, I’d take working.

Talia99 · 07/07/2023 15:43

Togiveandtoreceive · 07/07/2023 15:17

Odd new employer to allow a few days off before you even have your start date

Surely that’s what you are meant to do if you start a new job - tell them in advance of any holidays. You may have to take them unpaid but most employers will work around pre-booked holidays. It’s springing your two months in Australia on them after the job starts that causes issues.

AHugeTinyMistake · 07/07/2023 15:45

DratThatCat · 07/07/2023 15:43

And to answer the questions about when we spend time together as a family, it's just weekends really. We have a week's holiday, just the 4 of us, usually to a haven every 2 or 3 years but DH tends to save his A/L for his visits 'home'.

Urgh

I couldn't deal with that at all OP. You're a better woman than I am.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 07/07/2023 15:46

Sounds as if he should be more than able to sort it out himself and maybe another time he needs to plan more in advance when he is going, so if it happens again then you will know that you e.g. need to book second week in August off. Does he not need to book time off too? Summer holidays are always really busy for holidays, so your new job might need you to cover.

On another unrelated topic, I have suggested buying a super king size bed because our double is too small for my starfish sleeping position, and he had a face on about that as well.

Buy one which has a zip together mattress then you might be less likely to wander onto his side. Plus you can replace one but not the other if it is worn out.

Original poster

DratThatCat · 07/07/2023 15:47

While I'm airing my pet peeves... He used to arrange for his parents to visit and stay with us for maybe 5 or 6 days, and he wouldn't even book any time off work! The kids would be at school, he'd be at work, so it would be just me and the in laws (I worked evenings then). I eventually told him this wasn't on and he needed to be here when his parents visited. He got upset because 'its obvious you don't like my parents'.

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SallyWD · 07/07/2023 15:48

My in laws live abroad. We visit them about 3 or 4 times a year. One of those times each year only DH and the kids go. The reason? Simply so I can have a rest and time to myself at home! I tell the in laws it's because of work. It's fine! I don't see why families always have to do every thing together. My DH is very happy for me not to go sometimes. I don't see why your DH should have a problem with it.

Original poster

DratThatCat · 07/07/2023 15:50

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 07/07/2023 15:46

Sounds as if he should be more than able to sort it out himself and maybe another time he needs to plan more in advance when he is going, so if it happens again then you will know that you e.g. need to book second week in August off. Does he not need to book time off too? Summer holidays are always really busy for holidays, so your new job might need you to cover.

On another unrelated topic, I have suggested buying a super king size bed because our double is too small for my starfish sleeping position, and he had a face on about that as well.

Buy one which has a zip together mattress then you might be less likely to wander onto his side. Plus you can replace one but not the other if it is worn out.

I was actually looking at getting two single beds/mattresses and connecting them together, for exactly those reasons!

OP posts:

Codlingmoths · 07/07/2023 15:51

I would start a new tradition of Dh does one of the annual trips on his own with the Dc every year, and you use the same amount of leave to take the dc somewhere else every year, maybe two summer trips between you. One week away as a family every 2-3 years because all his leave goes on visiting his parents is not ok by me, if that’s how he’d prefer to spend his leave that’s not something you can change but you can decide there will be an annual holiday, he just may not have enough leave to come.

Original poster

DratThatCat · 07/07/2023 15:53

Codlingmoths · 07/07/2023 15:51

I would start a new tradition of Dh does one of the annual trips on his own with the Dc every year, and you use the same amount of leave to take the dc somewhere else every year, maybe two summer trips between you. One week away as a family every 2-3 years because all his leave goes on visiting his parents is not ok by me, if that’s how he’d prefer to spend his leave that’s not something you can change but you can decide there will be an annual holiday, he just may not have enough leave to come.

That's a good idea, I'll start doing that.

OP posts:

Maddy70 · 07/07/2023 15:55

You could use this an an excuse this time go next time

35965a · 07/07/2023 15:56

DratThatCat · 07/07/2023 15:47

While I'm airing my pet peeves... He used to arrange for his parents to visit and stay with us for maybe 5 or 6 days, and he wouldn't even book any time off work! The kids would be at school, he'd be at work, so it would be just me and the in laws (I worked evenings then). I eventually told him this wasn't on and he needed to be here when his parents visited. He got upset because 'its obvious you don't like my parents'.

So really his issue is he doesn’t actually want to spend time with his parents or put in any work. You make visits much easier for him, so now you can’t go he is annoyed he’ll have to actually parent/entertain/be sociable with his parents.

rookiemere · 07/07/2023 15:57

It's really sad that he doesn't seem to value a holiday with his own family of four.
Soon enough the DCs will put their foot down and refuse to have only holidays visiting elderly relatives.

Nanny0gg · 07/07/2023 16:02

rookiemere · 07/07/2023 15:57

It's really sad that he doesn't seem to value a holiday with his own family of four.
Soon enough the DCs will put their foot down and refuse to have only holidays visiting elderly relatives.

I think he's very wrong to prioritise his parents over a family holiday but not all GPs are elderly!

Ostrichbraid · 07/07/2023 16:02

DratThatCat · 07/07/2023 15:47

While I'm airing my pet peeves... He used to arrange for his parents to visit and stay with us for maybe 5 or 6 days, and he wouldn't even book any time off work! The kids would be at school, he'd be at work, so it would be just me and the in laws (I worked evenings then). I eventually told him this wasn't on and he needed to be here when his parents visited. He got upset because 'its obvious you don't like my parents'.

My ex used to invite his parents over then abandon me with them. Drove me insane and I told him it wasn't going to happen any more. He stopped inviting them, and blamed me for not liking them!
I've always been of the view: your family and my family. On second marriage now and it works really well. Spending time with the other's family is considered a kindness and is appreciated but not expected. I feel same whether it's our parents, our grown up children or their respective partners. Works well. We all get on, but I love my biological family unconditionally in a way that i don't feel about those who married in.

@DratThatCat assuming you have a mostly decent relationship with him I'd just have a good calm chat about it. But I would expect to be going this time.

Togiveandtoreceive · 07/07/2023 16:05

I will take a punt that you’re not too happy with your dh generally?

Do your children enjoy going?

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 07/07/2023 16:06

There is no need to visit your in-laws with your DH.

He's just being moody as it means he'll need to step up his parenting AND son game - it's not such a holiday for him without you there to do all of the donkey work.

Let him go by himself and enjoy the evenings that week catching up with friends/binge watching your favourite shows etc; it'll be ace!

Togiveandtoreceive · 07/07/2023 16:08

Op - I think you need to woman up.

you might get away with not going this time on the basis of your excuse
but what about all the future ones?

be honest with your DH

presumably you don’t want to go because of a poor relationship with your inlaws, and unlikely to be news to him

bellac11 · 07/07/2023 16:10

There was a long thread on here recently, slightly different circumstances where a husband didnt want to go on holiday with his inlaws

Cue lots of attacks on the husband that he should go, just suck it up, what sort of husband is he, if he loves you he would do this for you etc

I dont agree with that, so my advice to you is that if you dont want to go, dont go

But the job is not a reason, I would be pissed off if you wouldnt phone up and say, by the way I will need to book some leave after all and here are the dates (if you were going on holiday that is)

GoldenMirror · 07/07/2023 16:13

YANBU

Work must come first.

Snoken · 07/07/2023 16:17

I think a new job is a perfectly valid excuse not to go. Then when they come back you can tell your DH how lovely it was for you to get a few days to yourself and how much you needed that break to be able to focus on your job. Offer to take the kids away for a few days in the October half term so he can get a few days to himself too. Then you have started the ball rolling with regards to taking the kids away separately sometimes. That way you get to skip a couple of in-law trips a year and your kids gets to see something else but Haven or IL's house before they are too old to want to go away with their parents.

Togiveandtoreceive · 07/07/2023 16:17

bellac11 · 07/07/2023 16:10

There was a long thread on here recently, slightly different circumstances where a husband didnt want to go on holiday with his inlaws

Cue lots of attacks on the husband that he should go, just suck it up, what sort of husband is he, if he loves you he would do this for you etc

I dont agree with that, so my advice to you is that if you dont want to go, dont go

But the job is not a reason, I would be pissed off if you wouldnt phone up and say, by the way I will need to book some leave after all and here are the dates (if you were going on holiday that is)

Do you have a link? Because if the one I recall - there’s a fair bit more detail! 😂

AlisonDonut · 07/07/2023 16:17

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This situation is perfect for my favourite, oh dear, how sad, never mind gif.

InSpainTheRain · 07/07/2023 16:19

I'd be wanting at least 2 family holidays a year, all 4 of you together. Doesn't have to be that expensive, one day trips from home the other camping would be fine. I would also see his parents only once per year max - but of course he can take the DC if he wants.

To me this seems the symptoms of a different problem - he is still hankering after being at his old home. If you are comfortable with that can you take the DC on holiday by yourself for half term if he won't come with you all?