To not go to the in laws with DH and kids this summer

[DratThatCat]

I know this is a common AIBU so I apologise but I can't figure out if I'm being unreasonable or not so would appreciate your opinions.

We live about 5 hours away from the in laws so we usually visit them 3 or 4 times a year, for 4/5 nights at a time. We stay with them at their house. They used to visit and stay with us maybe 2 or 3 times a year but has maybe been once a year since covid.

My issue is that I have just got a new job (found out today!) and I'll be looking at a start date of late July/early August. At the time of the interview we hadn't set a date for visiting them over the summer so when they (the interviewers) asked if I had any holidays booked I said no. DH has now asked when we're going to in laws and I said I probably won't be able to go as I'll have just started my new job and I've already said I didn't have any holidays booked. He is pissed off.

In the interest of transparency, I hate going. I don't let this show to DH or the kids, although DH knows I'm not overly enthused. I didn't go for one visit last year due to the same reason, I'd just started a new job. I did go for all subsequent visits and all visits this year, which to be fair has only been one at Easter.

YANBU - You have good reason not to go, it's not the end of the world
YABU - You should go, suck it up buttercup

My family live a similar distance away and we tend to visit around three times a year and stay over a long weekend. DH doesn’t always come (generally work/leave reasons) and I wouldn’t expect him too. We prioritise, rightly or wrongly, our family holidays together as just the four of us. My family haven’t visited us for years for supposed health reasons - that’s a whole thread of its own! I think your DH is being unreasonable expecting you to take all that leave every year to see his family. I wouldn’t feel guilty about it at all.

If DH uses AL for this you can take some at another time and do what you want to do with it, whether with DC or without.

YANBU to stay behind, sounds like a win win! You'll be so glad when the time comes that you can have a few days of quiet and headspace while you're getting up to speed in your new job. Do try get a WFH day booked while DH is at the in-laws though, so you can get the new bed delivered😈

We live about 5 hours away from the in laws so we usually visit them 3 or 4 times a year, for 4/5 nights at a time. We stay with them at their house.

this is basically your entire annual leave 😱

no no no no NO!

Yanbu

Knock this on the head now , use the job or whatever you like.
I would 100% send your DH on his own for once.

I would continue to let him do as he pleases but would go 1 or 2 trips per year max.
And use my precious AL to go on holiday with my children... let him sit in his parents house if thats what he wants.

It sounds like you sleep walked into this bizarre and unbalanced arrangement.
Life is too short for this nonsense.

In your position i would not go. Just tell your DH firmly but kindly that your new job is too important to risk.
Several visits to inlaws every year sounds too much anyway, it won't be long before your DC are teens who don't want to visit old people.

He should go visit his parents with the kids. You have a new job. It would be one thing if you'd say you'll never see the in laws ever again. But skipping some visits is totally fine. I'd say that most occasionally visit their extended dfmaily by themselves.

Definitely get a European supersize king size bed it’s heaven sleeping in one. About the holiday your kids are old enough now to be easily managed by one parent I wouldn’t feel guilty about not going. You work. You should get to enjoy your holidays, at least some of them anyway! I can be open and honest with my husband and he with me if either of us don’t feel like visiting the others relatives. Maybe it’s the fact that you feel you can’t express yourself openly in your marriage because of the way your husband reacts that is really bothering you. You are a person in your own right too.

Wow OP you have a very selfish husband, but I'm sure you already know that!

Why does he get to dictate how you use your annual leave? Would he do the same if it was reversed?

He definitely needs to suck it up, be a big boy and go visit 'home' with the children without you.

If you're starting a new job they'll have a proper training schedule mapped out which is why they asked if you had anything booked as they'll need to factor in other employees being available for you to shadow etc.

Honestly, I just don't understand men sometimes... They are such huge babies!! 🤦‍♀️

Surely your DH can just take them alone, you don’t need to go every time anyway

Oh so he wants you to go because it makes his life easier.

I agree with pp, I’d be fine with seeing my son and his kids (hypothetical as he’s only 17) if that was what worked best. I’d be sad if he left it all to his partner.

@DratThatCat I think you need a proper calm conversation with him

It's a one off, for good reason, so don't feel guilty about not going on one visit.
In the interest of family solidarity I think you should try to enjoy all the visits to your in-laws except perhaps one each year.
If you need to buy them a new bed to add to your comfort, why not? Your husband obviously has a better time with you there.

It sounds like your DH doesn't actually like spending time with his parents all that much and is projecting his feelings onto you.

If he loves them that much, he should be delighted at the idea of spending time with them by himself.

He's only posted off because it means he will have to do some parenting while he's there and also put up with his mum's constant chatter. Which is fine for you to endure but he obviously wants to avoid.

Start to day by putting boundaries in place. You don’t have to visit these people ever or even have them stay in your house. You can actually refuse the whole lot of it. They’re not your mum and dad, they’re his.
He wants you there for convenience. It’s a disgrace that he’s sulking with you, that he ours pressure on you to do it, that he leaveS you to do the emotional labour and that he doesn’t book time off when they’re at yours, utterly vile of him. Get angry (not publicly, but in your mind).
I have downed tools for mother in law wife work this year. I had a similar time to those you describe: something she saison to me activated a switch in my mind and I haven’t seen her since. I have always done the phone calls, travelled for 4 hrs to bring her here, babysat her while he worked, bought all her presents cards and listened impassively while she criticised my house, my garden and wittered at me generally. Now I don’t. I’ve told him all of this belongs to him not me and I’m standing by that.
In your situation, as I presume in-laws haven’t been utterly offensive to you, I would think very carefully about your boundaries and decide in your mind how frequently you’d like to see them and whether you want to stay there/ have them at yours then tell him.

Does he do every visit to your parents?

I think you are seeing them a lot at the moment considering how far away they are. Now your children are getting older it's perfectly reasonable to reduce that time. I would probably visit only once or maybe twice a year if it's a 5 hour drive and you stay for three or four days each time. Your DH can go by himself with the children If he wants to visit more often.

My in-laws (now Ex) are lovely people and were always very welcoming, but I would have been really miserable if I'd stayed with them for four or five days. I managed one or two nights fine. The bottom line is, it's not your own home and you can't totally relax. You can't just lie on the sofa in your dressing gown and watch your favorite programmes on TV. There were occasional power struggles over things like cooking meals or cleaning up after those meals, with MIL insisting she didn't need any help and me insisting that it wouldn't be fair to leave all the work to her etc. As an introvert, I recognise the discomfort that arises from being around other people (however nice) all the time. You can't just disappear to your bedroom and read because it might appear rude and your hosts would be wondering if everything is ok.

I think the new job is a valid excuse for not visiting your in-laws on this occasion, but the issue will probably arise again in the future, so I think you need to have a conversation with your DH about it.

I haven't RTFT but I would suggest the following compromises

Your DH does some visits by himself,.

Your DH goes for five days and you join them for two days or a weekend.

Break up the journey - is there somewhere near their house (or maybe half-way there) where you could stay for a night or two before or after your visit.

If your DH is still unhappy or feeling hurt, point out the difference between visiting your family and his - ask him how he'd feel about staying in your parents' home for four or five days at a stretch.

YANBU OP

But if your husband feels like he'll be stuck looking after children (depending on their ages and how involved the grandparents are) for 4-5 days in a row, then you could offer to give him a break too and go somewhere just you and them later on.

He can go on his own. We lived a similar distance from late ILs. Even when we went a lot, DH went on his own as well.
Problem with these long distances is everyone thinks you have to stay a long time to ‘make it worth it’ and everyone ends up miserable because it’s too long. We also did nothing on visits, just sat around the house for days, it was awful.
Thankfully DD starting school put an end to most of our visits as DH has a busy job so hard to get a time we were all free.
Some men think you should enjoy spending time with your MIL on the basis you are both women. That’s it. I didn’t get on with mine and didn’t like her (never told DH) but he seemed to think it was some massive treat to spend time with someone who was non stop rude to me.
they also wouldn’t come to us as it’s ‘nicer to be home’ yeah it is!

He needs to learn to go on his own. Strangely I have lots of female friends who travel to parents with their children on their own, not true of the men though!

Let your dh take the kids !

I think you deserve a medal for going to your inlaws so often for so long. Your kids are getting older now you don't need to be there every time.

Why did he ask YOU what the plan was for visiting his own parents?!

He can take them without you-what’s the problem with that?

That a lot of visits every year. I live 8 hours away from my Grandchildren and i would not expect them to visit so much, i do the visiting as it is easier for all involved, they only visit me in the summer. Tell your husband that you are not giving up your hard earned holidays to visit her parents so much, as the children get older they won't want to either. Remember he is only pissed off because he will have to deal with the children, do the packing etc all on his own whilst in his eyes you will be getting a childfree holiday ( he won't take your job into account) let him sulk, he can't have everything his own way.

So all your holiday allocation is used for in law visits. Nope.

I agree with being honest. You must have been together a fair old time?

What stops you from being honest? Is it your past or him? Have you been controlled? He doesn't sulk does he? My DH has done I told him to never do that again. So childish.

Out of interest - suppose your start date is early or mid August, will you suggest that you make your visit before you start?