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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not go to the in laws with DH and kids this summer

223 replies

DratThatCat · 07/07/2023 15:12

I know this is a common AIBU so I apologise but I can't figure out if I'm being unreasonable or not so would appreciate your opinions.

We live about 5 hours away from the in laws so we usually visit them 3 or 4 times a year, for 4/5 nights at a time. We stay with them at their house. They used to visit and stay with us maybe 2 or 3 times a year but has maybe been once a year since covid.

My issue is that I have just got a new job (found out today!) and I'll be looking at a start date of late July/early August. At the time of the interview we hadn't set a date for visiting them over the summer so when they (the interviewers) asked if I had any holidays booked I said no. DH has now asked when we're going to in laws and I said I probably won't be able to go as I'll have just started my new job and I've already said I didn't have any holidays booked. He is pissed off.

In the interest of transparency, I hate going. I don't let this show to DH or the kids, although DH knows I'm not overly enthused. I didn't go for one visit last year due to the same reason, I'd just started a new job. I did go for all subsequent visits and all visits this year, which to be fair has only been one at Easter.

YANBU - You have good reason not to go, it's not the end of the world
YABU - You should go, suck it up buttercup

OP posts:

Togiveandtoreceive · 07/07/2023 17:19

DratThatCat · 07/07/2023 17:17

Thank you everyone who has commented. I've read them all and they're all appreciated.

So what you going to do?

MachineBee · 07/07/2023 17:26

I’ve started jobs in August and quite frankly it’s rubbish. HR, IT and your own team will have lots of people on annual leave and it all just means the onboarding is more disjointed.

In your situation I’d check if your start date can be after your family holiday this year and then have a proper chat with your DH about changing the priorities and use of annual leave from next year.

Caterina99 · 07/07/2023 17:27

YANBU OP. Do it!

I get on just fine with my in-laws. And my kids are younger (5 and 8) and I’ve had the genius idea of DH taking them there for a week in the summer holiday and I stay behind! DH didn’t seem to be against it, although I suppose he has to make the journey alone.

I’ll use work as the official excuse, but really I just don’t particularly want to go because it’s super boring. MIL does all cooking, FIL is pretty involved and they love to interact with the kids. Kids aren’t tiny and between the 3 of them they are more than capable of looking after them. I basically get a lot of reading done when we stay there. So it’s a nice rest, but to be honest I’d rather have a nice rest in my own home watching what I want on the tv, and not be using up annual leave from work, and be able to clear stuff out of the house etc without the kids obsessing over some broken McDonald’s toy that can’t possibly be thrown away.

I will definitely still go sometimes, but at a least once a year they can go without me! And I’m not sure they’ll really miss me anyway that much.

(hopefully at some point we can move to kids spending a week there without me or DH, but I’m not sure my in-laws are quite up for that yet!)

Awrite · 07/07/2023 17:30

Your dh sounds like a big baby.

Does he care about your bad back?
Does he care that you have an awful time when there?
Is he grateful that you've gone for his sake several times a year for over a decade?

Please put yourself first sometimes?

And don't let him guilt trip you.

suburbophobe · 07/07/2023 17:32

God OP, I'm an introvert too and from your description of his mum talking non-stop at you and those awful neighbours that would drive me up the wall.

And your husband doesn't sound like he has your back either.

standardduck · 07/07/2023 17:38

4-5 times a year sounds too much, especially if it means you don't get to do any family holidays.

Your DH can definitely go with kids on his own.

JaninaDuszejko · 07/07/2023 17:41

I have a lovely MIL but I hate staying in her house or going on holiday with her so DH takes the kids on his own when he goes there. I love having her to visit here though, she's a delightful guest. When the kids started school we basically said to the grandparent we can't cover the school holidays without having holidays at different times to each other so you can come here and your child will take time off, or they'll take the grandchildren to see you but your son/daughter in law will be using their share of the holidays to spend time with their family. Works well for us.

BestServedChilled · 07/07/2023 18:10

I love the fact dh can take the kids to my PiL with me or without me. My dh can be a miserable so-and-so but he never quibbles when I skip trips to see them. Sometimes I just do NOTHING for a day.

I love PIL trips precisely because I don’t always have to go so they become a real pleasure not a chore

Original poster

DratThatCat · 07/07/2023 18:23

Togiveandtoreceive · 07/07/2023 17:19

So what you going to do?

Show quote history

I'm going to wait until I get my start date then take it from there. I'm feeling good about my decision to not go so that's probably what will happen. They'll survive and have fun, and I'll survive and have fun. Win win.

OP posts:

Togiveandtoreceive · 07/07/2023 18:24

DratThatCat · 07/07/2023 18:23

Show quote history

Why wait? It’s not contingent on your start date. You have been honest here. So not be honest with your DH

Qwerty111 · 07/07/2023 18:28

YANBU and consider starting a new job every summer.

Okay I’m projecting, but I’m so jealous of your cast iron reason to skip visiting them!

cruisebaba1 · 07/07/2023 18:35

DratThatCat · 07/07/2023 15:47

While I'm airing my pet peeves... He used to arrange for his parents to visit and stay with us for maybe 5 or 6 days, and he wouldn't even book any time off work! The kids would be at school, he'd be at work, so it would be just me and the in laws (I worked evenings then). I eventually told him this wasn't on and he needed to be here when his parents visited. He got upset because 'its obvious you don't like my parents'.

Your husband is over invested in his parents and where he grew up. To use all annual leave to visit and then leave you to MIL, it’s taking the piss. Glad you’re not going this time and we’ll done on the new job!

Grumpy101 · 07/07/2023 18:41

YANBU at all. You can't take holiday when you're just starting a new job! And it sounds like he wants you there to do the work and take the attention off him. Fuck that. Let him deal with his own parents!

strawberry2017 · 07/07/2023 20:23

They are his parents you don't have to go EVERY time!
Plus if your starting a new job you don't really want to be taking holiday when you have just started, you want to be getting stuck in and learning your new role.
Totally acceptable reason not to go.
Husband needs to suck it up and take the kids without you. He's a grown up I'm sure he can manage!

JessicaBrassica · 07/07/2023 21:26

Dh takes the kids to visit his mum 2 or 3 times a year. I suck up the pre-xmas visit every other year (the years she doesn't spend a week with us).if we go camping near them we'll call in for lunch.

She and I don't get on. It works well.

Fillyourshoes · 08/07/2023 15:56

DratThatCat · 07/07/2023 18:23

Show quote history

This doesn’t make sense

You’ve made the decision not to go. So why not tell DH now rather than wait for your start date. Or are you saying that if the start date doesn’t clash, you will go.

Either way - what is going to happen on the next visit and the visit after that and the visit after that.

if 3/4 visits a year AND my children absolutely loved going as yours do…. I would agree to go 1 or 2 a year. And I would address your issues with MIL. And I would talk to DH about how important it is that you get some quiet time for your mental health.

Tillie12 · 08/07/2023 18:21

I think that’s a reasonable reason not to, I’d be funny about booking time off that close to starting a new job too.
he can take them alone if he really wants to go?

Dillydollydingdong · 09/07/2023 07:30

Surely DH can go with the kids without you? The in-laws would understand if you say you're starting a new job.

TheMummy9875 · 09/07/2023 07:49

U don’t want to go & you have the perfect excuse! Take it and don’t feel bad!!! I mean, he isn’t even gonna know if you say you’ve asked but they’ve declined the time off! You make an effort the rest of the time! Let hubby and DCs go and have fun, you have a week to yourself!

Imisssleep2 · 09/07/2023 07:55

Choose dates the kids, DH and in laws can do, then when you start the job ask it can book the time but make everyone aware you may not be able to go in not signed off, if they do then go as normal. Can't see the issue tbh

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 09/07/2023 07:56

I’d stay home this Summer. Even if your new job would allow you the time, it’s likely to be unpaid, so I wouldn’t do it - frankly I couldn’t AFFORD to do it.

Secondly, I didn’t see anywhere where you said where your ILs live, but next Summer, why not book a few days/ week holiday closer to them (maybe 1/2 to an hours drive) so you can visit/ meet up with them a few times, but also have a break at the same time? There must be somewhere nice to go, reasonably close to where they live.

Thirdly, sit down and communicate with your husband. Seriously, I should have done. I could have written most of your updates myself and now we’re divorced. (Not saying that that’s a terrible thing at this stage 😂) but it could probably have been fixed if we’d actually communicated, instead of avoiding confrontation and upsetting each other. In 23 years, we had only had one actual argument. I used to think it was a good thing, but it wasn’t. I’d go to any lengths to avoid upsetting him, but sometimes he NEEDED to hear the truth, I just never told him (and he’d probably say the same thing).

Sierra26 · 09/07/2023 07:56

FWIW OP I massively relate to the introvert point - I can be on the best trip or holiday and if I don’t get some alone or quiet time it really wears me out and brings me down. It often makes me think negatively about the extroverts - why do you keep thinking out loud and talking crap to me when I’ve actually just said I need to sit quietly for 10 mins. It’s not their fault, just different personality types, and I probably annoy them for the same (opposite) reasons. I’ve not worked out how to crack it as I don’t want to not be involved or spend time with these people, but eg if I’m at in laws I’ll take myself away to read or go on a walk on my own.

separately - your DSs are of an age where they might start feeling differently soon about spending so much time with their DGPs! Definitely good to start laying the groundwork to dial it back a bit (not completely of course - but current routine isn’t sustainable).

Hayliebells · 09/07/2023 08:00

I think three or 4 visits a year, when you're 5 hours away is a lot, that's a lot of annual leave spent visiting the in laws. I don't think I'd like that either, and I'd be insisting that for at least one of those visits, maybe two, your DH goes on his own with the kids. Does he accompany you to every visit to your parents? If he does, maybe suggest that he doesn't, in the interest of fairness?

Ladybug14 · 09/07/2023 08:02

Your husband seems to get upset a lot.

Bunnycat101 · 09/07/2023 08:04

I think you’ve got into an odd routine for using up all your annual leave this way. He absolutely should be doing some of the trips on his own but I also think you could be using your leave much better. Could he not do the trips over a weekend and do 3/4 days Friday to Monday rather than doing it mid-week? You’d also be much more likely to be able to take the odd day off.

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