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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband annoyed that my family haven't arranged to celebrate DCs birthday

639 replies

HailHale · 07/07/2023 08:51

Will try to keep it short. My husband and I share a child and he also has an older child with his ex. Our child is 3 and SS is 8.

The children's birthdays are about 2 weeks apart.

For my toddlers birthday my family came round and we all had a food together, my grandma made a cake, family members all brought a dish kind of thing. It wasn't extravagant but it was a nice day/evening.

I need to preface this with saying I have never arranged or planned anything for my SS for his birthday before as its always been between DH and his mum and this is the first year I've done something like this for our toddler as other years they were just too young to really care.

This year unfortunately his mum is away looking after a very unwell family member and so SS is with us over his birthday (which is tomorrow).

DH randomly asked me this morning whether I'd planned anything for it and when I said no why? He said i should have asked my family to do the same for SS. He works all week and apparently doesn't have the time to be planning parties (I'm part time). I will add here that DH has no family here, they are all abroad and not close.

Aibu to not have arranged anything with my family for SS and to not rush around doing it now? Happy to go for a meal just us but not asking my family to mess around now at the last minute because he's not done anything for his own son.

OP posts:
Onthelow · 07/07/2023 08:53

How does his son normally celebrate his birthday? Can you just get a cake and take him to McDonald’s and then maybe go out for the day on the weekend?

It would be nice to do something for him but I do agree his father should be proactive about it and not rely on you and your family.

billyt · 07/07/2023 08:54

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Original poster
HailHale · 07/07/2023 08:56

No of course I wasn't going to ignore him, I've just not arranged a party for him. He has presents obviously and I'd assumed we'd maybe go out for tea, get a takeaway, have a friend over for a sleepover or something. I didn't expect to be expected to arrange a party.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 07/07/2023 08:57

When you and your DH knew he’d be with you on his birthday, neither of you planned anything or even discussed it?

Of course it shouldn’t be left up to you at the last minute but in a partnership wouldn’t you communicate about plans this weekend as soon as you knew?

MojoMoon · 07/07/2023 08:59

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Quite a leap to say OP was going to ignore the boy on his birthday.

She has not invited her family members round. That doesn't mean she was planning to entirely ignore the child.

If in all previous years , the child's parents have planned his party, it seems entirely reasonable to expect that to continue. Her husband should have communicated earlier if that was not the case this year and discussed how they could split the work of arranging it.

arethereanyleftatall · 07/07/2023 09:00

This is absolutely on his father. That is utterly shit parenting. But also, I can't believe you haven't had any conversations yet about it. It's tomorrow.

So, you have an 8 year old boy living with you at the moment, with his father and step mum, and neither of you have thought about his birthday tomorrow? Did the 8 year old see your toddlers celebrations?

GloomySkies · 07/07/2023 09:00

WHY would the OP expect anything except that the child's father had sorted it? In general a step mum organising a party for a child on their birthday with only the step mum's family would be slaughtered for overstepping. Her HUSBAND has fucked up royally, let's not blame the OP.

YourNameGoesHere · 07/07/2023 09:02

It's definitely not down to you to organise but I can't believe you've not even had a conversation with him about what he would like to do for his birthday.

Has anyone asked if he would like a friend over or where he would like to go for dinner? These things take some organisation and can't just be decided on his birthday.

Aprilx · 07/07/2023 09:02

I honestly cannot believe you have an 8 year old in the house about to celebrate his birthday and you and your husband have not discussed it before now. What a rotten pair you are.

redskytwonight · 07/07/2023 09:02

HailHale · 07/07/2023 08:56

No of course I wasn't going to ignore him, I've just not arranged a party for him. He has presents obviously and I'd assumed we'd maybe go out for tea, get a takeaway, have a friend over for a sleepover or something. I didn't expect to be expected to arrange a party.

You "assumed" that would happen but his birthday is tomorrow and nothing has been planned.

I agree it's not up to your family to do anything . It's not even up to you as he's not your child. But he's an 8 year old child, whose mum is (presumably) busy with ill family member and "someone" should have organised something - a cake, some birthday banners, actually invited a friend round ... Yes, that "someone" should probably have been DH, but an 8 year old's birthday is not the time to be making a point..

Lalabright23 · 07/07/2023 09:03

NoSquirrels · 07/07/2023 08:57

When you and your DH knew he’d be with you on his birthday, neither of you planned anything or even discussed it?

Of course it shouldn’t be left up to you at the last minute but in a partnership wouldn’t you communicate about plans this weekend as soon as you knew?

This. I can't believe neither of you discussed his birthday plans before now? It's not up to you to organise a party for him but surely planning his birthday would've registered with you?

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 07/07/2023 09:03

I need to preface this with saying I have never arranged or planned anything for my SS for his birthday before as its always been between DH and his mum and this is the first year I've done something like this for our toddler as other years they were just too young to really care.

Wonder how much arranging DH has ever done, left it to the woman and tagged along i presume, looks like he thought a different woman would leap in this time too. This is on him.

NoSquirrels · 07/07/2023 09:03

WHY would the OP expect anything except that the child's father had sorted it?

But she knows he hasn’t sorted it as if he had, she’d know the plans.

Her DH is being unreasonable to expect any available mother-figure to sort out party planning, but they’re both a bit unreasonable for not having had a proper conversation.

readbooksdrinktea · 07/07/2023 09:05

Haven't either of you even asked what he would like? Poor kid.

MissBPotter · 07/07/2023 09:06

I think it’s a bit mean of both of you not to have arranged something special for the boy. Poor thing. It’s worst of the dad, of course, but you should have arranged something as well. Not necessarily with your family but it’s tomorrow and you have nothing sorted? That’s a bit sad for him and at 8 isn’t he asking about it? Or is he used to having nothing much?

Holly60 · 07/07/2023 09:06

NoSquirrels · 07/07/2023 08:57

When you and your DH knew he’d be with you on his birthday, neither of you planned anything or even discussed it?

Of course it shouldn’t be left up to you at the last minute but in a partnership wouldn’t you communicate about plans this weekend as soon as you knew?

Absolutely this.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/07/2023 09:07

It isn't odd you haven't done anything, but it IS odd neither of you have spoken about it. When Mom said oh you need to have Bob Saturday and Dad said oh we've got Bob on Saturday did neither of you realise it was his birthday? Isn't the"so what are we doing" conversation just normal?

If his default assumption is that the women in his life fix everything and he merely had to ejaculated be a father, I'd be reconsidering things. But I do think it's sad you knew you had a kid who'd be missing his Mom on his birthday and it didn't even occur to you to ask his Dad what the plans were

ArseMenagerie · 07/07/2023 09:08

Your DH has fucked up. Poor SS. His birthday is unplanned and he will feel the comparison with your DS. You’re right it’s not on you … does your DH leave the wife work to all the women in his life? I wouldn’t like such a selfish man. BUT this isn’t the point actually the kid needs a birthday so is your DH going to organise one? Or will you? If he doesn’t it won’t you will have to but it’s a damaging act by your DH

Avondale89 · 07/07/2023 09:08

How have both of you not had conversation before now about weekend plans and what your husband was thinking of doing for SS birthday? My god. I thought I was unorganised!

arethereanyleftatall · 07/07/2023 09:09

For single women reading this thread - if you start dating a man with a young child, there's fairly good odds that he's not looking for a partner, he's looking for childcare (so that he doesn't have to pay CM) with sex and cleaning on tap.

MissBPotter · 07/07/2023 09:10

Oh and also your dh is a total twat because he thinks his full time job is far superior to yours as it is part time even though you’re presumably also caring for at least one if not two kids around work (and by the sounds of him, doing all the housework tasks he’s too important for - happy to be corrected in that one but just making a guess based on him considering planning a birthday party beneath him).

Skyisbluegrassisgreen · 07/07/2023 09:10

You’re acting as mum but have nothing planned for his birthday? You assume there will be a friend over but nobody is invited??? Wow.

AppleCinnamonBagel · 07/07/2023 09:12

Poor lad. As soon as you knew he'd be with you for his birthday why didn't you ask your DH what he had in mind for his son's birthday? Have you asked your stepson what he'd like to do, who he'd like to invite?

He's 8. He'll have seen the fuss made over your child and will be wondering/hoping he'll be getting similar.

He's part of your family so make him feel like it! He's blood relative to your toddler!

Hope you pull a last minute rabbit out of the hat and make his birthday fantastic.

SunSurfSand · 07/07/2023 09:13

This is your DH's fuck up.

He saw the celebration for your mutual child two weeks ago and has done fuck all to make anything similarly nice happen for his own child, who is separated from his mother on his birthday.

Your DH has been a sexist lazy git- don't let him get away with it.

You both should now be pulling out the stops over the weekend for an age appropriate birthday for DSS. Would he even enjoy a gathering with your family? Wouldn't he rather go go karting or laser tagging with his Dad? Followed by pizza and ice cream as the four of you?

Once the birthday is salvaged I would be sitting DH down and making it very clear that this is his responsibility and you won't have it thrust upon you to solve his problems at the last minute with your magical lady powers ever again.

sandyhappypeople · 07/07/2023 09:13

I don’t think you should have a party for him if you don’t normally and your family wouldn’t necessarily be completely on board with it.. it will be always compared to you DC’s party and DSS may feel secretly let down by the lack of enthusiasm especially if he doesn’t know your family very well?, or it could feel like it’s ‘forced’ I’d avoid that altogether.

what you SHOULD be doing, without a doubt, is something completely different for him and take him out for the day instead! There’s SO many age appropriate things an 8 year old would love, if you don’t normally have him on his Birthday and his mum is going though a tough time it’s up to you two to step up and celebrate it with him! Make a fuss of him and make him feel like he’s an important part of your life and special.. it doesn’t take much planning and BOTH of you should be thinking to do that anyway?!