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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband annoyed that my family haven't arranged to celebrate DCs birthday

639 replies

HailHale · 07/07/2023 08:51

Will try to keep it short. My husband and I share a child and he also has an older child with his ex. Our child is 3 and SS is 8.

The children's birthdays are about 2 weeks apart.

For my toddlers birthday my family came round and we all had a food together, my grandma made a cake, family members all brought a dish kind of thing. It wasn't extravagant but it was a nice day/evening.

I need to preface this with saying I have never arranged or planned anything for my SS for his birthday before as its always been between DH and his mum and this is the first year I've done something like this for our toddler as other years they were just too young to really care.

This year unfortunately his mum is away looking after a very unwell family member and so SS is with us over his birthday (which is tomorrow).

DH randomly asked me this morning whether I'd planned anything for it and when I said no why? He said i should have asked my family to do the same for SS. He works all week and apparently doesn't have the time to be planning parties (I'm part time). I will add here that DH has no family here, they are all abroad and not close.

Aibu to not have arranged anything with my family for SS and to not rush around doing it now? Happy to go for a meal just us but not asking my family to mess around now at the last minute because he's not done anything for his own son.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 07/07/2023 10:42

As bitter as you might be, it's very weird for anyone to assume or "think" they would do this and that and not even... ask. Normal people, even the most selfish ones, are keen to know what's happening during their weekend, in their own house.

You're assuming too much about how different people communicate. Some people are more casual and spontaneous about what's happening on the weekend. Some people might just wait for the person planning to voice their plans, rather than feel the need to prompt them. Some people might just not have it on their minds since it's not something their responsible for.

The only real reason to make a big point about how weird it is that OP didn't ask, is if deep down you feel like she should expect to need to check up on her DH and ensure he has made adequate plans for his son's birthday. Which is just wrong, he's an adult, he shouldn't need nannying to ensure something is happening.

dontbejealousofmyartisticflair · 07/07/2023 10:43

I am missing something though... I dont throw my children parties for every birthday. Do children need a party for every birthday?

not if they're boys they don't.
Is that the answer you wanted?

Aprilx · 07/07/2023 10:44

Scienceadvisory · 07/07/2023 10:38

Except she didn't know because her husband hadn't told her he planned to do fuck all for his own son's birthday. Yes maybe she should have asked but then he should have brought it up not assumed her family would step in.

You clearly have issues with the OP and are seeing malice in her posts that most of us don't see. You talk about her 'smugly' waiting until its too late and 'deliberately ' leaving it too late. Ever considered that it just didn't enter her mind as something she needed to worry about given his parents have always sorted it?

Show quote history

But this year, he is staying with them, previous years he hasn’t. So yes, wouldn’t you think it would be different this year? If you had a child e.g. nephew, staying with you on his / her birthday wouldn’t you think “hmm this year things are different and maybe I need to discuss birthday plans with the other people in the house”.

Thanksbutno · 07/07/2023 10:44

I don't understand how you and your partner haven't had any conversation about what is happening for your SS birthday. Not him saying "it would be nice to have a family party" and not you saying "what are you doing for SS birthday?". Not that I'd expect your family to make a big fuss (although it would be nice if they showed him a bit).
I think you've both failed horribly at basic communication. I hope the poor lad doesn't feel like he's been forgotten about tomorrow, or that his sibling is more favoured than him.

JenWillsiam · 07/07/2023 10:45

Lord this is the the most passive example
of male entitlement I’ve seen in a while. It’s his kid!

Coolhwip · 07/07/2023 10:45

Lalabright23 · 07/07/2023 09:59

Sure.

Most posters agree to put the petty 'responsibility' argument to one side so an 8 year old can have a nice birthday when his mum can't be there.

But you do you 🙃

Show quote history

I'm not sure you understand how statistics work. Most posters (76%) can see this is the FATHER's responsibility.

Maybe blood went to your head when you did the upside down head emoji 😂

cyncope · 07/07/2023 10:46

This child isn't an orphan!
He has a dad, and will be with his dad on his birthday.
Obviously the OP is going to assume dad is going to do something for his birthday, just like every other year?
Why on earth would it be down to the OP's family?

He has presents. Dad should be arranging to take him out to the cinema or trampolining or something and then a birthday meal with the family.

Mamai90 · 07/07/2023 10:47

Tinkerbyebye · 07/07/2023 10:00

all these people saying you should be doing something and your family should be involved

sorry no, it’s your step child, who already has two parents and they are responsible for the care of that child and arranging anything

tough shot that his father is to busy to do anything, that’s down to him to make sure he isnt.

and whilst his mother maybe looking after a sick relative is she going to ignore the kids birthday because of that?

personally I would be saying to your husband you are not arranging a party, and not with your family as actually they aren’t the child family and husband can decide where you will all be going as a day out tomorrow

I hope you don't have step children!

dontbejealousofmyartisticflair · 07/07/2023 10:49

The only real reason to make a big point about how weird it is that OP didn't ask, is if deep down you feel like she should expect to need to check up on her DH and ensure he has made adequate plans for his son's birthday. Which is just wrong, he's an adult, he shouldn't need nannying to ensure something is happening.

I don't feel she is expected to do anything.

But I am also unfamiliar with relationships where everything is a battle and everything is an excuse to score points. Normal people communicate, and because no one is perfect, at some point someone screws up. It cost nothing to remind them, instead of smugly keeping quiet.
Since when is having a discussion "nannying" anyone? Your partner NEVER had to remind you something or help with something ever? You are that perfect?

Again, is it the DH job to plan and organise? of course.
Should the family of his new wife be involved? Of course not, nothing to do with them.
Should the step-mother be involved? actually yes, a little bit, it's not a random kid her husband knows from work.
"your child your problem" is a bit harsh.

2bazookas · 07/07/2023 10:50

what a CF. Sorry for your child's future with that dad..

DH will have to explain to his son that Daddy has no time to plan his party so it's been put back to the weekend when Daddy will make up for being a lazy tosser.

Clymene · 07/07/2023 10:50

His father should have been thinking about this, not assuming his wife was going to do something.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 07/07/2023 10:50

Erm I have one of each @dontbejealousofmyartisticflair

SunSurfSand · 07/07/2023 10:52

midgetastic · 07/07/2023 10:25

A party is really important to an 8 year old

Maybe, but a party with his step mother's family?

His dad should be arranging something with the boy's friends.

Thetroublemaker · 07/07/2023 10:53

Yeah. I agree with others that it’s all a bit weird. It’s definitely primarily DH’s job to instigate the plans… but…. I couldn’t imagine being in your shoes and not at least asking what the plan was a week or so in advance! What if he had invited all and sundry and you’d had no notice to get food in, clean the house etc?

its short notice now to plan a proper party I think, you’ll probably get a shit turnout and the boy will pick up on the whole afterthought vibe. Take him and his best mate to a theme park for the day or a beach or something. Gosh, my step kids mother was an absolute muppet and never did anything for them. I used to plan for and spoil my step kids more than my own children because I felt they deserved it for having such a hopeless family. Looking back now, I realise some people might have seen it as overstepping or a bit ‘try hard’ but it came from the most genuine place in my heart.

Lotus717 · 07/07/2023 10:53

Knowing in advance his mum will be away for his birthday and knowing that the 8 year old has seen the big celebration for his half brother/ sister, it seems really upsetting for a little boy to know that absolutely no effort has been made for his day.
Regardless of what power play of responsibility is going on between you and your husband that is a shitty thing to do to a small child.

Frankenpug23 · 07/07/2023 10:54

The Dad should have stepped up here - there are plenty of people that work full time and organise parties - its no excuse. However you did know his birthday was coming up and its down to both of you to have a conversation about plans/ cost etc.

Even with a day to go nothing concrete has been organised for your DSS - from his perspective not only can he not see his Mum, but no one has really bothered about an 8 year olds special day. He must feel really wanted!!

Your husband and you need to sort something today!

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/07/2023 10:54

JaninaDuszejko · 07/07/2023 09:45

It's all very well having a fight with his useless father about who should organise it but at the moment there's an 8 year old who hasn't been consulted about what he wants to do and is now not at home with his Mum but in a house where the adults are arguing. You need to organise something for your SS now and sort out his deadbeat Dad later.

FWIW he's 8, he's too old to want a family style party (particularly with his stepmum's family). A party with some of his friends should have been arranged as soon as you knew his Mum had to be away. Do you know the contact details for his friends' parents? See if anyone can come bowling or to the cinema tomorrow followed by pizza or some such thing. And apologise for the late notice.

FFS

I agree with this.

You’ll realise when your dc is 8 just how little 8 is. Poor lad. My dd is 15 now and it’s the first birthday she really hasn’t been bothered about. At 8 he will feel really let down.

Thetroublemaker · 07/07/2023 10:54

Lotus717 · 07/07/2023 10:53

Knowing in advance his mum will be away for his birthday and knowing that the 8 year old has seen the big celebration for his half brother/ sister, it seems really upsetting for a little boy to know that absolutely no effort has been made for his day.
Regardless of what power play of responsibility is going on between you and your husband that is a shitty thing to do to a small child.

Exactly this!

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 07/07/2023 10:59

We have no idea how long the child has been staying with them for to their mum being away.
Any party invites my children have received/given have been with quite a few weeks notice. Surely if a party with friends was the plan, the biological parents would have sorted it out a lot sooner than now.

My children don't have parties every year. They do have family over, but even that isn't planned massively in advance - they know when the birthday is, they'll asked if we have a plan and I'll confirm the day before if I can be arsed to put on a spread, or to just come over for cake and a cuppa.

caringcarer · 07/07/2023 11:02

Onthelow · 07/07/2023 08:53

How does his son normally celebrate his birthday? Can you just get a cake and take him to McDonald’s and then maybe go out for the day on the weekend?

It would be nice to do something for him but I do agree his father should be proactive about it and not rely on you and your family.

Just do this. If your DH wanted him to have a party he should have arranged and organised it. Another year he could invite his school friends if he has no family close by.

DreamItDoIt · 07/07/2023 11:03

My response would have been 'what have YOU organised for YOUR sons birthday?'

Can posters not see that this is the fathers responsibility to take control and organise - im sure the OP will 'help'.

In order to make the shift from women being expected to take the mental load for everything and put everyone before themselves children need to see their fathers being equally thoughtful. Can people not see this? Why are so many blaming the OP?

FinallyLeavingDenver · 07/07/2023 11:04

If you only ‘assumed’ you would go out for dinner, have a takeaway, he’s have a friend over, then there were no definite plans. Your husband is a cunt for not making definite plans, for not asking his son how he wanted to spend his birthday and for not discussing then with you.

It’s not on you, but if my partner seemed to not be doing anything for his child’s birthday, I’d be saying ‘what’s going on’.

I wouldn’t be with a cunt though, who seems to not prioritise his child and then blame me. He sounds horrible.

LuckySantangelo35 · 07/07/2023 11:04

All the vitriol on here should be aimed at OP’s husband I.e. the child’s actual parent. Not OP.

user1471538283 · 07/07/2023 11:05

I like many parents, always worked full time and raised my DS on my own and I managed to plan his birthday parties! They do not come as a shock!

Clearly your DH has always relied on his ex to do the planning and he just rocks up! I agree he should have sorted something or spoke to you about it but I couldn't let an eight year old not have a celebration of some kind.

What is the plan?

Sceptre86 · 07/07/2023 11:05

I think you are getting an unnecessarily hard time about this one op. It isn't your responsibility and I agree that it might be awkward trying to scramble your family together last minute. Also your ss might not want that anyway. I also think you have a low key attitude to birthdays anyway and there's nothing wrong with that. So I can see it probably didn't occur to you that you needed ro talk about it with your partner.

I would have but I acknowledge my kids birthdays every year with a family party at the very least. I think you (by ypu I mean your oh and yourself) should get him a birthday balloon, speak to your ss and ask him what he would like to do on his birthday with your partner involved in the conversation too. I'd probably ask what he'd like for breakfast and make it myself because I'd be extra mindful he will be missing his mum. I don't have stepkids but I'd want any child in my home to feel welcome. Going forward you need to have a conversation about what stepparenting looks like to you and what level of involvement you are willing to have in your ss's life. Set your boundaries so everyone is clear on expectations and responsibility. Your oh is a let down he should have gone the extra mile knowing his child will be away from his mum the first time on his birthday.