Husband annoyed that my family haven't arranged to celebrate DCs birthday

[HailHale]

Will try to keep it short. My husband and I share a child and he also has an older child with his ex. Our child is 3 and SS is 8.

The children's birthdays are about 2 weeks apart.

For my toddlers birthday my family came round and we all had a food together, my grandma made a cake, family members all brought a dish kind of thing. It wasn't extravagant but it was a nice day/evening.

I need to preface this with saying I have never arranged or planned anything for my SS for his birthday before as its always been between DH and his mum and this is the first year I've done something like this for our toddler as other years they were just too young to really care.

This year unfortunately his mum is away looking after a very unwell family member and so SS is with us over his birthday (which is tomorrow).

DH randomly asked me this morning whether I'd planned anything for it and when I said no why? He said i should have asked my family to do the same for SS. He works all week and apparently doesn't have the time to be planning parties (I'm part time). I will add here that DH has no family here, they are all abroad and not close.

Aibu to not have arranged anything with my family for SS and to not rush around doing it now? Happy to go for a meal just us but not asking my family to mess around now at the last minute because he's not done anything for his own son.

So consumed she needed telling off for not posting on Mumsnet quickly enough 😂

You mean his mother and father?

‘Stepparent’ is just a title. By marrying his father she didn’t in fact acquire parental responsibility for his child unless of course she specifically adopted him at the same time. So no, OP isn’t his parent, and all the online browbeating in the world doesn’t make her one.

Have to say though, in my opinion, the fact that you post about dh expecting YOU to arrange something yet admit there's been ZERO communication about it all week, is weird.
It's questionable to say the least.
Also questionable leaving the thread for five days when you could easily have dropped a quick post

Mate, you need to dip into life away from Mumsnet. Christ almighty 😂😂😂

Too much reaching.
I find it very strange, living in the real world that you would come to a conclusion that a step parent who has been banned from parenting a stepchild by the child's mother is due to the " nonchalance' of said stepmother.
You have chosen to overlook chronology and conspiracy ( both parents ban stepmother from being involved in stepchild's birthday) and have not noted any Cause as to said " nonchalance'".
The nonchalance and exclusion comes from the child's parents.
What you could be having a go at the OP for is why she undertakes ANY parenting of stepchild on face of the barely undercurrent of disrespect and can't do right for doing wrongness that is the relationship that has been foisted upon her by these two idiot ex partners.
It's the mother who is the nonchalant one, by the way.
Couldn't be me sending my child to a home where I don't want the stepmother "getting involved". But it's not that, is it? Mother and father want stepmother to do the donkey work of step parenting, but have no involvement in the "delights". Him to have a quiet life and , for whatever reason keep in his unreasonable ex's good graces and she, because she is actually a bitch of an ex, facilitated by the OP's partner.
I'm not down with the Bitch or Crazy female ex as a trope, but do female exes who are not compliant to linear reason exist? They sure do.

And no, I wouldn't be running around like a twat on elastic organising birthdays for children that I have been banned from having any involvement in their birthdays . My husband, one of the 'banners" would have to faceache or fix up and organise something .
Then again, I wouldn't be in this relationship.

Also questionable leaving the thread for five days when you could easily have dropped a quick post.

Behave yourself

Also questionable leaving the thread for five days when you could easily have dropped a quick post

She didn't communicate with her husband on this so why did you think she would update here. 😂😂🙄

Also questionable leaving the thread for five days when you could easily have dropped a quick post

It probably just didn't occur to her to think about you sitting here waiting for an update.

What with her not being your mother either.

😆

.. and here we go again, talking about the needs of the parent, step, or otherwise, make or female. The point is that the needs of the child are paramount because they are a child. It sounds like he had a lovely birthday, but there was a sense from the OP that the birthday was something of a nuisance and also a lack of willingness to adjust both her and her husband’s parenting to the current changed situation and I think that is what people picked up on. Just this lack lustre, not my job approach that felt very sad. To be fair it sounds like they managed to pull a nice day out of the bag but this relentless defensive position towards the parents who after all are adults who have agency in their lives makes my heart sink.

No, OP still isn’t responsible. People are of course free get as mad about that as they like, if they are so inclined 🤷🏻‍♀️

@BadNomad 😂

One more time. This is hard work!

Nobody is saying OP was responsible, nor that the parents should have felt entitled to ignore his birthday, nor that the parents should have expected OP to do anything.

All that's being said is that it's nice to give a damn enough about a child under your own roof to just ask what's going on for his birthday, and if you have a useless waste of space for a partner then give his dad a metaphorical kick up the arse to sort something out. The reason is because a child would be upset to be ignored, and for most of us it's a normal human emotion to care about that because we care about the child.

’Hard work’ says the poster that refused to accept that not thinking to remind someone of something isn’t the same thing as refusing to remind them out of spite. Ironic.

I know what’s being said. Understanding a point doesn’t require me to agree with it. The bottom line is that OP isn’t responsible, and all the ‘think of the children’ bleating in the world does not in fact oblige her to do anything other than what she has consistently done. So yes, stay mad about it I guess.

@MRex And one more time - because yes this is hard work - it is bizarre to jump to the conclusion that not happening to ask several days in advance constitutes "not caring", to the extent that you would berate someone for it. It's an extreme reaction.

I don't think people realise how damaging it is to nitpick at step parents over things as harmless as this. It breeds resentment. Not only do you know that people would not commend you for the effort you do put in, they'd actually be lining up to criticise you for things that are blatantly not your fault or malicious. It's not exactly going to make people feel positively about being a step parent.

”Think of the children bleating,” yes sorry about that. How terrible of us, “think of the children brigade.” How awful it is to have hurt the feelings of an adult who has canvassed opinion, by suggesting that it is beyond uncaring to have failed to have had it in their hearts and minds to make a plan for a child’s birthday by the night before their birthday.

I don't think people realise how damaging it is to nitpick at step parents over things as harmless as this.
OP asked for opinions, I think the child deserves consideration so as I said so. It isn't "damaging" to give an adult who asked for an opinion, an opinion.

Way to completely ignore the point I made. Yes, it is damaging. More damaging than the people constantly criticising step parents over every tiny thing realise, and to the step children, too.

Tbf I don’t think you managed to hurt her feelings. As far the rest goes, I extend my previous invitation to stay mad about it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Please explain in what exact way giving an opinion to someone who asked for one is "damaging". Describe the "damage" caused, and explain why it is caused by opinions.

Please explain in what exact way giving an opinion to someone who asked for one is "damaging". Describe the "damage" caused, and explain why it is caused by opinions.

I explained it perfectly clearly before, why not just read that?

OP asked if she was unreasonable not to arrange a party, firstly, not if people thought her not having checked what was happening to their satisfaction meant she must not care and did so maliciously. But in any case, I didn't say it was damaging to give opinions (though obviously doing so can be damaging so I'm not sure why you're repeating that like it's odd.)

It is damaging for step relations, for step parents to feel constantly picked upon for every tiny thing, to have people looking for any opportunity to accuse them of not caring enough for their SC, even in circumstances like this when it could not be any more obvious that they've done nothing wrong. It will increase the likelihood of step parents feeling negatively about being a step parent, it will increase any resentment they feel.

Surely that's obvious? Surely the people engaging in this kind of excessive criticism realise their words will have an effect? And it's not going to be a good one for the SC they think they're championing.

Pretty sure I don’t need an invitation from you to feel how I feel, maybe take a chill pill?

”I’ll stay mad about it, but not because you invited me to!”. Okay.

I’ll pass on the medication suggestion, given that I’m not the one playing adagio for strings here. Cheers though!

🤣 great response OP

Some people on here have SOOOOOO much internalised misogyny!!

@tidalway Is there any reason you find it impossible to believe that someone might genuinely not have thought of something, and therefore feel the need to insist they must have done it deliberately?

And then, somehow, strangely, you're able to come to the conclusion that the people who DO believe people are generally good and wouldn't have don't this deliberately, are bitter, whereas you who thinks that is impossible and she MUST have had an ulterior motive, are not? Makes perfect sense.