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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband annoyed that my family haven't arranged to celebrate DCs birthday

639 replies

HailHale · 07/07/2023 08:51

Will try to keep it short. My husband and I share a child and he also has an older child with his ex. Our child is 3 and SS is 8.

The children's birthdays are about 2 weeks apart.

For my toddlers birthday my family came round and we all had a food together, my grandma made a cake, family members all brought a dish kind of thing. It wasn't extravagant but it was a nice day/evening.

I need to preface this with saying I have never arranged or planned anything for my SS for his birthday before as its always been between DH and his mum and this is the first year I've done something like this for our toddler as other years they were just too young to really care.

This year unfortunately his mum is away looking after a very unwell family member and so SS is with us over his birthday (which is tomorrow).

DH randomly asked me this morning whether I'd planned anything for it and when I said no why? He said i should have asked my family to do the same for SS. He works all week and apparently doesn't have the time to be planning parties (I'm part time). I will add here that DH has no family here, they are all abroad and not close.

Aibu to not have arranged anything with my family for SS and to not rush around doing it now? Happy to go for a meal just us but not asking my family to mess around now at the last minute because he's not done anything for his own son.

OP posts:
ZforZebra · 07/07/2023 10:12

OP it’s not your responsibility. Shame on your husband for trying to make it your fault that he didn’t think/plan anything, and trying to guilt trip you into taking responsibility and putting something together at the last min. It’s also a bit weird that he expects your family to rally round: even if DSS was actually related to them - they already probably have plans this weekend, and shouldn’t be expected to drop everything to save a situation your DH created. Also, you’re not an awful human being for not taking responsibility/blame for any of this. Have a simple celebration that is just the 4 of you - DSS parents can decide if they want to do something bigger/more elaborate at a later date. It’s not the end of the world, as long as you acknowledge his birthday, give him his gifts, and do something special it’s enough - a massive party is not the be all and end all. Plus he is 8 - not sure big party with his DSS family be the definition of fun.

Scienceadvisory · 07/07/2023 10:12

Lalabright23 · 07/07/2023 09:56

1 poster. In amongst around 50 others.

Show quote history

And you've got others telling the OP to contact her dss friends' parents to arrange something or that she should have reminded her husband to sort something or blaming her for not having a sleepover sorted. Many posters have put the blame on the OP not her husband where it actually belongs.

Greenfree · 07/07/2023 10:13

Ok, so it's not too late to fix it.Do you know which friend he would want to have over? Definitely do something nice like a day trip or his favourite food place. Make sure he gets to video call his mum etc. I don't think this is totally on you but I would have checked with his dad what the plans were. If he doesn't know your family too well than I see no point in getting them involved, if he does know them well then it can't hurt to invite them over etc

ZekeZeke · 07/07/2023 10:13

Shitty parenting and step parenting.
When you arranged for him to stay this should have been discussed. It's not down to you but down to both of you to arrange.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/07/2023 10:13

Yes there should have been a conversation before now, but who should have started that conversation? dad

Why the OP is getting grief for not stepping in and sorting an alternative to the usual is beyond me.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/07/2023 10:16

Greenfree · 07/07/2023 10:13

Ok, so it's not too late to fix it.Do you know which friend he would want to have over? Definitely do something nice like a day trip or his favourite food place. Make sure he gets to video call his mum etc. I don't think this is totally on you but I would have checked with his dad what the plans were. If he doesn't know your family too well than I see no point in getting them involved, if he does know them well then it can't hurt to invite them over etc

Ok, so it's not too late to fix it. Does dh know which friend he would want to have over? His dad definitely needs to do something nice like a day trip or his favourite food place. His dad needs to make sure he gets to video call his mum etc

Fixed it for you.

The OP is not the backstop to her crappy husbands lack of effort.

MsRosley · 07/07/2023 10:16

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 07/07/2023 09:40

Why is it the ops responsibility? Why should she carry the mental weight? Why should she have to run around after a grown adult who has claimed to have organised this for the last few years. If he never tells the op in advance why would she expect this year to be any different?

This. The father is a lazy, useless misogynist.

dontbejealousofmyartisticflair · 07/07/2023 10:17

Talia99 · 07/07/2023 10:10

I’m not saying it’s the OP’s responsibility, but I am saying I wouldn’t be deliberately cruel to an 8 year old to make a point to his useless father.

I guess the OP feels differently.

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I agree.

I would have at least asked what he was planning, and not stay well quiet because "not my problem". It's an odd setup.

Talia99 · 07/07/2023 10:18

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/07/2023 10:13

Yes there should have been a conversation before now, but who should have started that conversation? dad

Why the OP is getting grief for not stepping in and sorting an alternative to the usual is beyond me.

Because Useless Dad isn’t posting. Is it fair that OP is being asked to fix her DH’s screw up? No, not at all but apparently she is the only option. Posters aren’t excusing the DH, they are saying that the OP shouldn’t let the child suffer to make a point.

They are also pointing out that OP has clearly known nothing was planned for weeks and has smugly waited for the DH to realise the problem with no thought to the person most affected, namely the 8 year old child missing his Mum.

Scienceadvisory · 07/07/2023 10:19

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/07/2023 10:13

Yes there should have been a conversation before now, but who should have started that conversation? dad

Why the OP is getting grief for not stepping in and sorting an alternative to the usual is beyond me.

It's because of internalised misogyny. Too many women have taken on the sexist belief that anything child related is women's work and all men have to do is have a job outside of the home. They think stepmothers have a greater responsibility towards their stepchildren than dads have toward their own children. It's pathetic and sabotaging women.

JaninaDuszejko · 07/07/2023 10:19

Talia99 · 07/07/2023 10:10

I’m not saying it’s the OP’s responsibility, but I am saying I wouldn’t be deliberately cruel to an 8 year old to make a point to his useless father.

I guess the OP feels differently.

Show quote history

Exactly. The child should not be the one who suffers.

Thepowerhouseofthecell · 07/07/2023 10:20

I don't think it's too late to buy a caterpillar cake and invite people round for tea and cake. But you both should have had a conversation about what was happening for his birthday a week or so in advance, very strange not to discuss it at all until the day before.

BodenCardiganNot · 07/07/2023 10:21

At least @HailHale you are now armed with the knowledge that your dh is not a particularly good father so if you and he split up you know how your child will be treated by him.

Nottodaythx · 07/07/2023 10:22

OP I wouldn’t organise party etc for my step kids as their dad (who works full time) would want too!

We tend to do a birthday meal and a family day out. Kids choose what they want to do and we do that.

RestingandSmilingBFace · 07/07/2023 10:23

That poor boy all three of his parents haven't arranged anything for him. Yes your DH should have arranged something but and you should make a point to your DH that he should have done it but it would be very cruel to make that point by not arranging something. DH will have to make it up to you for arranging it. Don't let this be taken out on your SS.

Scienceadvisory · 07/07/2023 10:23

Talia99 · 07/07/2023 10:18

Because Useless Dad isn’t posting. Is it fair that OP is being asked to fix her DH’s screw up? No, not at all but apparently she is the only option. Posters aren’t excusing the DH, they are saying that the OP shouldn’t let the child suffer to make a point.

They are also pointing out that OP has clearly known nothing was planned for weeks and has smugly waited for the DH to realise the problem with no thought to the person most affected, namely the 8 year old child missing his Mum.

Show quote history

Except she isn't the only option. Her husband could do all the things being suggested by posters. He could ring his son's friends parents, he could arrange a meal, he could arrange a day out etc. None of these things require a vagina.

If the OP steps in now then she will need to step in in the future too. Her husband doesn't seem like the type to learn from this. A decent man would be accepting he was the one who screwed up and asking his partner for help. This prick is just putting the blame on the OP.

And there's been nothing smug about the OP. She just clearly made a mistake in thinking her husband wasn't a completely shit dad.

MrsMarzetti · 07/07/2023 10:24

For all those saying his child his problem, would you be saying that if this was a fathers stepchild ? My Granddaughter has a stepdad, he drops everything for her. Last week she text him( didn't text her mum) whilst she was at school to say she had her presentation assembly that evening, he didn't hesitate to cancel his weekly pool league night to go and see her being given an award. Should he just have shrugged his shoulders and said not his child not his problem and carried on with his night out ?

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 07/07/2023 10:24

Shame on your DH for not sorting anything out. I would have assumed like you that we would go out for tea, have a friend over for a sleepove, you know, normal birthday activities. If your DH wanted him to have a party, he should have organised it shouldn't he?
Love the outrage on here though! If a step mother organised a step childs party you can 100% guarantee that posters would be frothing at the mouth telling her to back off. Nah, go for that meal, have one of his friends to sleep over and tell your DH to up his game with the parenting in time for his sons next birthday. I'm going to have a guess that he leaves most of the work to the women around him.

Talia99 · 07/07/2023 10:25

Scienceadvisory · 07/07/2023 10:19

It's because of internalised misogyny. Too many women have taken on the sexist belief that anything child related is women's work and all men have to do is have a job outside of the home. They think stepmothers have a greater responsibility towards their stepchildren than dads have toward their own children. It's pathetic and sabotaging women.

Show quote history

Nope, I absolutely think this is Dad’s fault and he sounds like a shitty parent that the OP shouldn’t have to cover for.

However, he hasn’t stepped up, the OP knew he hasn’t stepped up and she is happy to give an 8 year old a miserable birthday to make her point.

I can primarily blame the Dad and still think OP’s behaviour is unkind.

3luckystars · 07/07/2023 10:25

Your husband should make an effort with his son, but him a thoughtful gift, take a few hours off work and bring him somewhere (go karting or bowling or just something nice together) and explain that his real party will be when his mother is around too, but NO he just expects you to magic up a party instead because he doesn’t want the inconvenience.

midgetastic · 07/07/2023 10:25

A party is really important to an 8 year old

WaitingForRainAgain · 07/07/2023 10:25

If I had any 8 year old staying with me, a nieghbours kid, a friends child etc, if their mum was away I would be arranging some suitable celebrations. If his sibling just had a party, then a party is the appropriate celebration. I woudl be asking him, what would yuo like to do for your birthday - he might prefer trip to a trampoline park with 3 mates for example.

I cant believe that you and your DH have both failed to think about how that poor kid will feel seeing his sibling have a party and then him having what? A happy meal?

It doesnt matter who he is related to, he is a child who needs to be thought about by all the adults in his life.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 07/07/2023 10:26

Why do people blatantly make up bullshit in response to a step mum posting 😂 it makes you look demented

RoseBucket · 07/07/2023 10:26

Aprilx · 07/07/2023 09:02

I honestly cannot believe you have an 8 year old in the house about to celebrate his birthday and you and your husband have not discussed it before now. What a rotten pair you are.

This, I feel so sad for the child. I’d happily attend a party for a step grandchild.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 07/07/2023 10:26

Scienceadvisory · 07/07/2023 10:19

It's because of internalised misogyny. Too many women have taken on the sexist belief that anything child related is women's work and all men have to do is have a job outside of the home. They think stepmothers have a greater responsibility towards their stepchildren than dads have toward their own children. It's pathetic and sabotaging women.

Show quote history

This. Pointless arguing with the weirdos. It's too ingrained.