Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband annoyed that my family haven't arranged to celebrate DCs birthday

639 replies

HailHale · 07/07/2023 08:51

Will try to keep it short. My husband and I share a child and he also has an older child with his ex. Our child is 3 and SS is 8.

The children's birthdays are about 2 weeks apart.

For my toddlers birthday my family came round and we all had a food together, my grandma made a cake, family members all brought a dish kind of thing. It wasn't extravagant but it was a nice day/evening.

I need to preface this with saying I have never arranged or planned anything for my SS for his birthday before as its always been between DH and his mum and this is the first year I've done something like this for our toddler as other years they were just too young to really care.

This year unfortunately his mum is away looking after a very unwell family member and so SS is with us over his birthday (which is tomorrow).

DH randomly asked me this morning whether I'd planned anything for it and when I said no why? He said i should have asked my family to do the same for SS. He works all week and apparently doesn't have the time to be planning parties (I'm part time). I will add here that DH has no family here, they are all abroad and not close.

Aibu to not have arranged anything with my family for SS and to not rush around doing it now? Happy to go for a meal just us but not asking my family to mess around now at the last minute because he's not done anything for his own son.

OP posts:
Coolhwip · 07/07/2023 09:57

Lalabright23 · 07/07/2023 09:56

1 poster. In amongst around 50 others.

Show quote history

Nope, other posters have said similar things, implying it's OP's responsibility, as well as out and out TELLING her what to do.

FiveShelties · 07/07/2023 09:58

Poor little boy - I don't care whose responsibility it is, but one of you should organise something.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 07/07/2023 09:58

Lalabright23 · 07/07/2023 09:47

Nobody has said it's her responsibility or mental load the bear.

What has been pointed out is the total lack of communication and thoughtlessness from the pair of them.

Show quote history

But saying the op should have raised it with her DH is mental load, it's doing the thinking, its saying she needs to chase up a grown adult to do something that to her knowledge he does every year without fail.

Lalabright23 · 07/07/2023 09:59

Coolhwip · 07/07/2023 09:57

Nope, other posters have said similar things, implying it's OP's responsibility, as well as out and out TELLING her what to do.

Show quote history

Sure.

Most posters agree to put the petty 'responsibility' argument to one side so an 8 year old can have a nice birthday when his mum can't be there.

But you do you 🙃

Tinkerbyebye · 07/07/2023 10:00

all these people saying you should be doing something and your family should be involved

sorry no, it’s your step child, who already has two parents and they are responsible for the care of that child and arranging anything

tough shot that his father is to busy to do anything, that’s down to him to make sure he isnt.

and whilst his mother maybe looking after a sick relative is she going to ignore the kids birthday because of that?

personally I would be saying to your husband you are not arranging a party, and not with your family as actually they aren’t the child family and husband can decide where you will all be going as a day out tomorrow

Custardslices · 07/07/2023 10:00

Can't you get go tesco today buy party food? Arrange for all family near by to turn up?

Buy some balloons, some banners and decorate doesn't have to be lavish but it's making the effort.

You chose to be with this man and knew he had a child so no more woe is me attitude how you think it's not part of your responsibility or life and crack on this boy needs a party!

INeedAnotherName · 07/07/2023 10:00

If he can't be bothered to arrange anything because of his big important job then it's not your responsibility. Did he organise anything for your joint child?

JudgeAnderson · 07/07/2023 10:02

Cutting it a bit fine to arrange a sleepover if the wean's birthday is tomorrow, aren't you?

No but her DH, the child's actual parent, certainly is.

Fraaahnces · 07/07/2023 10:03

That my darling is called “Blame-shifting.” He’s done fuck all for his kid and is attempting to make this your fault. Organizing things for kids is the responsibility of the parents. Your family is not SS’s family and you are not 100% responsible for the domestic/social organization because you have a uterus and he has a Big Boy Job.

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 07/07/2023 10:03

Well it's more him than you but if his Mum is away I don't think it's a huge ask for someone to arrange something for an 8 year olds birthday. At some level you and dh are a team.

Aprilx · 07/07/2023 10:03

Coolhwip · 07/07/2023 09:57

Nope, other posters have said similar things, implying it's OP's responsibility, as well as out and out TELLING her what to do.

Show quote history

I honestly don’t think anybody has said that it is the OP’s sole responsibility. Most people are incredulous that the two adults who will be looking after this child in his birthday, have not discussed plans. If I were looking after a neighbours child on their birthday I would have made plans.

dontbejealousofmyartisticflair · 07/07/2023 10:04

This is weird.

Of course your family has nothing to do with anything.
Of course your husband should be organising his son's birthday.

But.. don't you people TALK? How can you just "assume" things have been arranged and not even ask about them? Whatever party/ day out/ sleepover would involve you?
Yes, DH should have told you and organise, but it's very odd you didn't even ask, if only to know what was happening to your own day and/or weekend.

That's the only point where you are a bit too much "your kid, your problem". It's still your stepson, your child half-sibling, your weekend, in your house.

truthhurts23 · 07/07/2023 10:04

That’s not your child so why would you plan his birthday? Do you even know who your step sons friends are, what he likes etc?

your dh is approaching this totally wrong , he should have asked you to help him plan it, not just expect you to do it like you are his hired help assistant

tell your dh to ask his son what he wants to do , does he want to go somewhere with his friends , what cake does he want , what he wants to eat etc
dh should make a list and you can help him execute it and he should be very thankful for you helping him do it

likely he is irritated that the birthday planning is his responsibility this year because his ex usually does it

SunSurfSand · 07/07/2023 10:04

Custardslices · 07/07/2023 10:00

Can't you get go tesco today buy party food? Arrange for all family near by to turn up?

Buy some balloons, some banners and decorate doesn't have to be lavish but it's making the effort.

You chose to be with this man and knew he had a child so no more woe is me attitude how you think it's not part of your responsibility or life and crack on this boy needs a party!

Would a pre teen even want his birthday celebration to be a catch up with his step mother's extended family?!

The father should take him out for something exciting this weekend. And a sleepover or something with his friends organised for next week.

Organised by his father.

Talia99 · 07/07/2023 10:05

So you want to punish your DH for not planning anything and you are happy for an 8 year old who is probably missing his mother to suffer as collateral damage.

Nice.

truthhurts23 · 07/07/2023 10:06

Fraaahnces · 07/07/2023 10:03

That my darling is called “Blame-shifting.” He’s done fuck all for his kid and is attempting to make this your fault. Organizing things for kids is the responsibility of the parents. Your family is not SS’s family and you are not 100% responsible for the domestic/social organization because you have a uterus and he has a Big Boy Job.

This ^^

MrsMiddleMother · 07/07/2023 10:07

Yanbu, however, I would have asked dh before now what he had planned for ss birthday.

EsmeSusanOgg · 07/07/2023 10:07

Oh gosh your DH has dropped the ball. That said, can you get a birthday cake and a banner and say to DH that you can all go for a nice afternoon out with SS and your DC to celebrate?

I'd also have a word afterwards with DH about him needing to communicate. If he needs your help organising something he needs to ask in plenty of time and have some suggestions ready. He needs to step up and take responsibility as a father.

Onelifeonly · 07/07/2023 10:07

If I had a child staying with me on their birthday, I would automatically arrange something for them. Not necessarily with my family if they didn't know them well but probably with his friends. At 8 he should have a say in the matter.

Yes your DH should take responsibility, but I feel you should as well.

KiFly · 07/07/2023 10:08

YANBU about your family
YABU not to have seen this coming!
Seeing as you've not heard what the plan is celebrate SS's birthday while he is with you, why didn't you ask DH what he was organising a few days ago ?
Especially if you were thinking of going out for tea or having a friend for a sleepover. You would like to know drop off and pick up times surely.
And if his mum is having to spend time away to care for someone, he might be feeling a bit wobbly. All the more reasons to make sure his birthday is extra nice and not an afterthought!

Daffodilsandtuplips · 07/07/2023 10:08

Neither of you come up smelling of roses here, his dad expected you to sort it out and you ‘thought we’d go out for tea or something’ but didn’t have any concrete plans. You could have discussed it together.
Take the bairn out for the day, make a bit of a fuss of him, anything is better than a cake and a balloon. He’ll be missing his mum and probably worried about the sick relative to boot.

Turfwars · 07/07/2023 10:10

I would be bitterly disappointed in DH if he turned out to be this much of a dick tbh.

But I'd park that for the moment and focus on the child. Call the mum, brainstorm between you both what you can pull out of the bag for the little boy in time for tomorrow, have the best day that you can with him.

And then when the dust has settled, have a very serious discussion with DH about exactly what wifework is and why you won't ever tolerate him pulling a stunt like that on you ever again and that you will let SS see for himself what a shithead of a dad he's unfortunately got.

Talia99 · 07/07/2023 10:10

Coolhwip · 07/07/2023 09:57

Nope, other posters have said similar things, implying it's OP's responsibility, as well as out and out TELLING her what to do.

Show quote history

I’m not saying it’s the OP’s responsibility, but I am saying I wouldn’t be deliberately cruel to an 8 year old to make a point to his useless father.

I guess the OP feels differently.

GrapeHyacinth · 07/07/2023 10:10

Your dh obviously sees organising celebrations as women's work. Does he think a mum who works full time doesn't organise a celebration for their kids because there isn't time? He's very unkind to not think of his son til the night before

Poppyfun1 · 07/07/2023 10:11

Personally I would have arranged something. Your being cruel