Husband annoyed that my family haven't arranged to celebrate DCs birthday

[HailHale]

Will try to keep it short. My husband and I share a child and he also has an older child with his ex. Our child is 3 and SS is 8.

The children's birthdays are about 2 weeks apart.

For my toddlers birthday my family came round and we all had a food together, my grandma made a cake, family members all brought a dish kind of thing. It wasn't extravagant but it was a nice day/evening.

I need to preface this with saying I have never arranged or planned anything for my SS for his birthday before as its always been between DH and his mum and this is the first year I've done something like this for our toddler as other years they were just too young to really care.

This year unfortunately his mum is away looking after a very unwell family member and so SS is with us over his birthday (which is tomorrow).

DH randomly asked me this morning whether I'd planned anything for it and when I said no why? He said i should have asked my family to do the same for SS. He works all week and apparently doesn't have the time to be planning parties (I'm part time). I will add here that DH has no family here, they are all abroad and not close.

Aibu to not have arranged anything with my family for SS and to not rush around doing it now? Happy to go for a meal just us but not asking my family to mess around now at the last minute because he's not done anything for his own son.

The op is 'acting as' mum - yes. But the child actually has 'a 'father! Who did nothing. But then worse - has berated the op as if it's her job. It isn't. It's his.

He certainly had no right to berate OP and it is bizarre that he thinks OPs family are the people his son might like to spend his birthday with rather than his friends. But that aside, collectively they are a miserable pair to have not done something.

If I were to find myself looking after an 8 year old on their birthday for whatever reason, I would have put my mind to it and I would have discussed it with the 8 year old and the other adult in the house and I would have made sure there were plans. I wouldn’t keep silent, knowing full well nothing was planned.

As a Grandmother with a step grandchild( i don't see him that way, he is my Grandson ) i wouldn't need to be asked, i would be arranging exactly the same for him as i did for my other Grandchild. This child is you Stepson, you took him on along with his father and it would be despicable to treat him as anything but your own child and even worse when he is staying with you as he won't have his mum on his birthday this year. I hope your child never has a stepmother that couldn't even be arsed to make their birthday special.

I agree, it’s his child, however the OP clearly knew it was his birthday, and clearly knew her DH hadn’t arranged anything. She’s waited til a few days before his birthday to bring up the subject. In the middle of a feckless father and a stepmother trying to make a point is a small child with nobody concerned about how he will celebrate his birthday. What’s worse is that he knows his step / half brother had a full on party only last week!
The pair of you should be ashamed.

You can't assume his friends are available for sleepovers on a Saturday with next to no notice.

Hope the adults in the house pull their acts together. The child didn't ask for this to be his life.

I don’t necessarily agree with the ‘he’s the dad he should be doing it’ ‘he’s lazy and leaves everything to op’.

I do most of the organising of things like this in our house, I love organising and planning and DH is not as good at that as me, it doesn’t make me a doormat, DH does a lot of other valuable things that I’m not as good at and we do 50/50 on chores, we each play to our strengths.

bottom line is.. if I’d be prepared to do this for my own child (or anyone else in my life), I’d certainly want to do it For any step children too, it would be weird not to? I wouldn’t expect DH to struggle to organise a lack lustre event just to what? prove a point? that that child is not physically mine so it’s not my responsibility? Some of you need to think about what you’re actually saying when you say it’s not SM‘s ‘job’.

I’m not a SM but I was a SC to one who didn’t like me being part of their lives, it’s a horrible feeling that no child should ever have to feel.

Cutting it a bit fine to arrange a sleepover if the wean's birthday is tomorrow, aren't you?

the child is OP’s husbands.

every single year biological parents have organised child’s birthday celebrations.

Sounds like OP has bought gifts for her DSS. But why on earth should she have been discussing parties etc for her DSS, when his two biological parents are aware his birthday is coming up and have always done their own thing with him? Wouldn’t she then be overstepping for trying to celebrate whilst the mother is away looking after poorly relative?

if it’s important for parents to have a party for their child surely they’d discuss it and bring OP into the discussion and ask for her help/input.

this is entirely on the biological father who doesn’t sound like he organised anything for any of his children.

has the father bought any gifts for his child or has op done it all?

I’m quite surprised the conversation hasn’t happened before now.

If this was my step nephew or niece I’d have asked my sister a few weeks ago what the plans were for their birthday. Likewise I’d expect a married couple to have discussed this ages ago.

Did you not say oh DH, what are you / we doing for DSS birthday in a couple of weeks?

Yes it’s father’s responsibility to organise but the fact no one else in his family cares is awful. Poor kid.

I cannot understand how this happens. He's coming to stay with you and NEITHER of you discuss what you're doing for his birthday? Very badly done. Yes, your DH is the one responsible for arranging his party, but why weren't you thinking about the boy too to ask DH what he'd arranged and badger him to set it up?

It isn't too late; WhatsApp 3-5 closest friends and book them into a theme park / go-karting / something. He'll prefer his friends to your family I'm sure.

Probably too late for friends but do something fun with the four of you before getting something nice to eat. Crazy golf is a good shout in warm weather. Or swimming somewhere with decent slides.

I think you just say well I guess what you are saying is when I step up to full time neither of our children ever get a birthday celebration again, so don’t you think he should get used to it? After all, no other children whose parents work full time ever have parties. No wait, lots and lots of them do!! All the ones with dads who don’t think they’re too big and important to do anything themselves for their child. Where the fuck was he when his child’s mum was sick, thinking I better make it special for my son?
we both work full time in busy jobs. Our 5 and 7 year old both had birthday parties in the same month. It was busy. If Dh hadn’t done his share I’d have stabbed him with a rusty spoon.

I think you're both mean to the 8 year old boy. Your dh is disgraceful and you're pretty thoughtless. Poor kid.

Why is it the ops responsibility? Why should she carry the mental weight? Why should she have to run around after a grown adult who has claimed to have organised this for the last few years. If he never tells the op in advance why would she expect this year to be any different?

It's all very well having a fight with his useless father about who should organise it but at the moment there's an 8 year old who hasn't been consulted about what he wants to do and is now not at home with his Mum but in a house where the adults are arguing. You need to organise something for your SS now and sort out his deadbeat Dad later.

FWIW he's 8, he's too old to want a family style party (particularly with his stepmum's family). A party with some of his friends should have been arranged as soon as you knew his Mum had to be away. Do you know the contact details for his friends' parents? See if anyone can come bowling or to the cinema tomorrow followed by pizza or some such thing. And apologise for the late notice.

FFS

What orifice did you pull that wild conclusion from?

The only one who has failed this child is his useless father who thinks it’s literally anyone else’s job but his, the actual parent, to plan a birthday for his kid. I suspect he leaves it all to the mum usually, because sexism.

Exactly, that’s how the men get away with it- they think she will step in. I bet he has done next to nothing every other year but his child’s mum has carried him. I would be politely incredulous that this was an expectation. He should have been doing twice the usual (combined) effort since the mum has obviously been really busy, to make it special and give his son a little extra attention.

82% people are sensible and know this is ALL on the FATHER, not the step-mum.

He needs to organise something for the weekend.

OP, don't do it or otherwise you will expected to do it every year.

And no surprise your H is trying to pass off parenting tasks to the nearest women (you, your grandma and others).

THIS IS HIS DAD’S JOB. NOT THE OP’S.

Is FFS the new HTH?

WHy are you ordering OP what to do? Get a grip.

Nobody has said it's her responsibility or mental load the bear.

What has been pointed out is the total lack of communication and thoughtlessness from the pair of them.

Yep, this is balanced appraoch.
get something sorted asap. But it is not your parents responsibility to be involved unless they have a close unique relationship and they specifically ask to. What a twattish assumption for him to make re your parents- that’s clutching at straws imho.

but then have a proper conversation with your dh, after the event, to say in future he cannot assume you will pick up on the mental load and emotional labour of planning SS celebrations. If, in future, he feels you could/should pick up on parenting roles for SS in his and mums absence he needs to ask, come up with ideas and proposals, and make sure you have as much notice as possible if you agree. Don’t make it an argument. Just say you will not accept him putting you in that situation again, and he will have to deal with his child’s disappointment and unhappiness as it will be entirely his fault , given you’ve given dh fair warning you won’t do it unless these conditions are met.

And tell him your parents have no obligations to a grand child that isn’t their own. His SS already has grandparents (unless they’ve died) so where is their role in stepping in , while mum is absent.

I don’t think not agreeing to help out is reasonable in most circumstances if he has a decent excuse, and you’ve not got another appointment like work clash, medical clash, caring clash etc. SS is part of family so it’s probably likely OP will be involved somehow, but she should have to “drive” it.

He has a mother, and a dad. Yep, mum is away looking after ill relative, but mum knew when child’s birthday was 🤦‍♀️and should have already been talking to SS Dad about arrangments. When the emergency happened, why didn’t they both agree emergency plan for SS Birthday even in a few short minutes before she had to take off- I can’t believe any mum would not be anxious about how her ds would be celebrating his birthday in those circumstances - unless dad said “no don’t worry it’s all in hand” . And then, I assume dad is around for SS birthday, why the hell isn’t he then organising it and taking the lead, and asking OP for her “help” .

Posters are saying things like 'You’re acting as mum but have nothing planned for his birthday?' which is definitely saying it's OP's responsibility / mental load.

1 poster. In amongst around 50 others.

Poor kid, I can't understand how you haven't even discussed it. I don't think it is a step parent thing either - I can't believe you both knew you were having a 8 year old stay for his birthday and haven't made plans the day before.
We've made more effort for friend's kids if we've been away together on their birthday even though we know the parents are also there.