Husband annoyed that my family haven't arranged to celebrate DCs birthday

[HailHale]

Will try to keep it short. My husband and I share a child and he also has an older child with his ex. Our child is 3 and SS is 8.

The children's birthdays are about 2 weeks apart.

For my toddlers birthday my family came round and we all had a food together, my grandma made a cake, family members all brought a dish kind of thing. It wasn't extravagant but it was a nice day/evening.

I need to preface this with saying I have never arranged or planned anything for my SS for his birthday before as its always been between DH and his mum and this is the first year I've done something like this for our toddler as other years they were just too young to really care.

This year unfortunately his mum is away looking after a very unwell family member and so SS is with us over his birthday (which is tomorrow).

DH randomly asked me this morning whether I'd planned anything for it and when I said no why? He said i should have asked my family to do the same for SS. He works all week and apparently doesn't have the time to be planning parties (I'm part time). I will add here that DH has no family here, they are all abroad and not close.

Aibu to not have arranged anything with my family for SS and to not rush around doing it now? Happy to go for a meal just us but not asking my family to mess around now at the last minute because he's not done anything for his own son.

I don't think you are fair. Most of the comments would be exactly the same if it the DH was another woman.

think stepmothers have a greater responsibility towards their stepchildren than dads have toward their own children
they don't , but they have SOME responsibility. It doesn't matter if it's husband/wife, 2 wives, 2 dads.

Fair play to leave your DH deal with consequences of his own screw-up, but it doesn't feel right to punish the child in the middle.

And if Dad posts here, I’m happy to tell him to do those things. However he’s not posting, he’s not planning anything and in the middle is a little boy.

A useless parent and a step parent who is happy to use him to make a point. I hope his Mum gets back soon and he has at least one caring adult in his life.

I think your husband has dropped the ball here - it strange he would assume your family would arrange something. It some families, it would be fine for step family to be organising things whereases in other families this would be over stepping the line.

And next time? And the time after that? Why is it the OPs responsibility to cover for this man? She's already got presents sorted, how much else does she have to do? And he still has time to step up! That is my point. He still could arrange for various things for his son's birthday - it doesn't need the OP to step in for him.

Society would be a much better place if women stopped covering up for the bad behaviour of men.

"weirdos" who feel sorry for an 8 year old? Wow, you sound delightful.

Husband shouldn’t be angry at you or your family. This is all on him I’m afraid.

Although I can’t get my head around the fact the only one losing out here is the poor child. You and husband should have discussed his birthday together when you knew he would be staying with you. Husband has no right to assume it would be left to you, but surely he should have asked his son what he wanted to do? Did you not discuss presents etc? Do you not communicate with your husband at all?

Society would be a much better place if women stopped covering up for the bad behaviour of men.

society would be a much better place if step-children stopped being considered as an inconvenience or somebody else's problem.

I would laugh in his face if he just assumed I would organise a party and then had the gall to stick by that assumption. Sounds like you've got a misogynist here OP. It's his job. Yes yes he could discuss it with you and ask you to help out if he felt he really didn't have time, but it's ridiculous that he just assumed his step parent would organise his party rather than his actual parent. YANBU.

Yeah @dontbejealousofmyartisticflair weirdos. The OP thought they would go out for tea, have a sleepover, again these are perfectly normal things for kids to do on their birthdays. The DH wanted a party organising. Are you struggling with understanding that? Or are you going to make up your own tale to let the DH off the hook and blame it on OP?

The fact that you consider caring about a child who is not a blood relation to make someone a ‘weirdo’ is very sad.

I don't have the energy for this. Once more, the OP assumed they would do normal birthday activities. The DH wanted a party organising but didn't want to do it himself. Please, stop making shit up.

This! Come on OP. You are not as bad as his father but it is pretty shitty.

OP, no idea if you're still reading. If you are, please understand that all the adults in your SS's life have let him down with regards to his birthday - and given the situation with his mum being away and busy with an extremely ill person, then it's only you and your DH who could reasonably have stepped up.

I agree that the onus is on DH as the bio parent, but YA still BU for not checking in with him - or even with SS - about how you were going to make this birthday special for a little boy who can't be with his mum for sad reasons... It's especially sad given the contrast with the effort you made for your son's birthday. Please don't let him feel that he's the kid no one makes any effort for.

Now's the time to get off the internet and get on the phone inviting friends over and sorting a cake and banner! Then when it's over you can put a boundary down with DH. But if that child has a shit birthday then it won't matter which of you was in the right or in the wrong - just that you let that child down.

Except she knew that none of those ‘normal birthday activities’ had been organised and deliberately left it until it was too late for many of them to be sorted out. Maybe you need to ‘stop making shit up’.

I don't think most of the comments would be the same if the dh was a woman. Everyone always has much higher expectations of women than they do men. It's why the OP is getting criticised so harshly and called so many names. This child has a dad who has time still to organise something for the boy's birthday. There is no need for the OP to step in.

But you don't want the husband to be left to deal with the consequences of his screw up. The consequence is that he needs to be ringing around friends parents now to see if any are free for a sleepover or to be arranging a day out. But you want the OP to do that instead. And if he chooses not to then he needs to deal with letting his son down.

You'd think the fact that he was divorced would have been a major hint that he might not be the best husband and yet she married him and had a child with him and is now surprised he's a deadbeat Dad.

My comments would be exactly the same if it was a lesbian couple.

As bitter as you might be, it's very weird for anyone to assume or "think" they would do this and that and not even... ask. Normal people, even the most selfish ones, are keen to know what's happening during their weekend, in their own house.

I guess it's easier for you to concentrate on hating the husband because he's a MAN, shock horror, and ignore everything else. But keep calling other people weirdos.

Brilliant.

I am sure all the divorced women would love to put that on their own profile 😂

Except she didn't know because her husband hadn't told her he planned to do fuck all for his own son's birthday. Yes maybe she should have asked but then he should have brought it up not assumed her family would step in.

You clearly have issues with the OP and are seeing malice in her posts that most of us don't see. You talk about her 'smugly' waiting until its too late and 'deliberately ' leaving it too late. Ever considered that it just didn't enter her mind as something she needed to worry about given his parents have always sorted it?

This is his father’s job. Not yours. Give him a kick up the ass and tell him to stop being a dick. He needs to organise something so his son won’t be disappointed on his birthday. It’s not that hard to book tickets to the cinema/zoo/local theme park, but a cake and go to McDonalds, and as a grown ass man who manages somehow to hold down a job he should be able to organise something so straightforward.

I'm not concentrating on hating the husband @dontbejealousofmyartisticflair what a strange thing to say. I mean he is the child's actual parent but let's not let that get in the way of anything eh? Hes got a busy day ahead of him if he decides to do the right thing.
I am missing something though... I dont throw my children parties for every birthday. Do children need a party for every birthday?
Oh and I didnt lie or make anything up. I factually stated that the OP assumed.

Where does the OP say the SS is getting nothing? I thought she’d already said there’d be cake, maybe a meal and a sleepover? How is that nothing?

The OP didn’t assume anything, she knew very well that there was nothing arranged. How can you just assume a friend will be coming over for tea or a sleepover when you know nobody has been invited. Poor child has a useless father and a spiteful stepmother who is no doubt rubbing her hands in glee that it got to the day before birthday before father thought about it.

Can you highlight where in the OPs posts she has been smug about this?

The whole thing is very odd and the way you and your husband communicate (or don't) and his apparent level of involvement in his own kids' lives is just entirely alien to me.

He's massively let his son down by doing nothing whatsoever to prepare anything for his birthday. Especially knowing that it will likely be tough for him to be away from his mum this time.

He's ridiculous and entitled for expecting that your family would be responsible for delivering a party for his child.

It's very weird that you and your husband hadn't even had so much as a conversation in passing about what would be happening for your stepson's birthday in the run-up to it, especially knowing that he'd be with you on his birthday.

His dad is 100% responsible for this and sounds like a complete arse, to be frank. Not to mention extremely sexist (no doubt organising parties is women's work that is beneath him). That said, I would never allow an 8 year old who's under my roof on their birthday, without their mum, to go without a special celebration and some fuss. I'd have made it my business and been the adult who stepped up for him, given his dad is so shit.

Unfortunately this is the kind of thing that happens when you settle down with a crap man. It's not your responsibility to pick up his slack, but the alternative (given that you can't make him be a better father or partner) is that the kids suffer.