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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be losing patience with my DH and his anxiety

266 replies

HumbleBumb · 05/07/2023 22:49

Holiday being booked for end of August. France or Spain because DH doesn't want to fly with the kids. Now he's talking about the riots (even though we are talking about weeks away). Every time I suggest something "we could stop off here" etc He talks about the need to "process it all" and becomes quiet or looks at his phone.

He said today he wants to wrap DC in cotton wool and just keeps thinking how unsafe travelling is. He does say "I know its not logical and I don't want to stop us doing stuff but I find it all very hard". He also says "I dont Need u to fix it, I'm just struggling so be patient with me"

It feels miserable planning anything. DC are toddlers

AIBU for losing patience? But I'm struggling to orgnszie it all, think about what DC need, and manage his anxiety about travelling to bloody Europe.

The instinct that reflect worst on me is that for some reason he's exaggerating it all anyway.

OP posts:
Hmmmbetterchangethis · 05/07/2023 22:53

This would drive me mad! Would he be happier if you went alone?
You could leave the kids with him (little ones prefer to stay at home anyway) and have a break by yourself.

warmmfeet · 05/07/2023 22:57

I don't think you are being unreasonable but at the same time it's fair enough he needs time if it feels like a huge big deal to him.
Can you suggest a date that you will book it all by? That sort of gives him a deadline to do all his worrying by?

Sorry you are having this experience. Planning and booking holidays is meant to be a lot of fun.

elodiedie · 05/07/2023 22:58

My dp also has anxiety about travel. To be honest we’ve almost split up over it. It sounds a bit flippant, but for me I don’t want a life of relentless routine. I need interest and excitement every now and again.

With young kids it’s so difficult because you do need the other person to be somewhat functional if they’re bothering to come at all. I started going with friends. Travelling on my own with the kids was easier.

I understand that people can’t help how they feel but I’m fucked if I’m going to be enabling it to my own detriment. I didn’t sign up for the life of a hermit.

BansheeofInisherin · 05/07/2023 22:59

This would drive me absolutely mad. But you will shortly have people arriving and calling you hard and unsympathetic,, and making up all kinds of diagnoses.
What help is he getting?

GrannypantsMagee · 05/07/2023 23:02

You are not being unreasonable. Travelling with toddlers is stressful anyway though, could you just go somewhere else this year? Or stay in the UK? They won't care too much, you need the holiday more than them but it's not worth breaking a relationship for. Maybe he needs some help, but while that's happening talk about an option that you'll both find relaxing

HerMammy · 05/07/2023 23:04

Unfortunately, many people
with anxiety can become very controlling and selfish and can't see beyond their own wants/ needs. Your life can't come to a standstill because of his anxiety.

FatNoMoreSue · 05/07/2023 23:05

Good god this would give me the severe ick. Having to tiptoe around a grown man’s anxieties would cause my fanjo to slam shut never to reopen.

saraclara · 05/07/2023 23:07

GrannypantsMagee · 05/07/2023 23:02

You are not being unreasonable. Travelling with toddlers is stressful anyway though, could you just go somewhere else this year? Or stay in the UK? They won't care too much, you need the holiday more than them but it's not worth breaking a relationship for. Maybe he needs some help, but while that's happening talk about an option that you'll both find relaxing

And what's going to happen next year? The same thing, almost certainly. And because OP has given in this year, he'll expect her to do it again.

It's anticipation that's the worst. The reality will probably be fine. The first time we planned to take our small children on a plane, I inexplicably became very anxious about the flight. To the point of researching other means of getting to our destination (in Eastern Europe, so not at all easy). Yet I'd always loved flying before.

I did stick with the flight though, and arranged for my DH to sit with the kids on one side of the aisle, and me on the other, so the children wouldn't pick up on my anxiety. But as soon as the plane took off, my anxiety completely disappeared, we had a great trip, and I wasn't remotely bothered about the flight back.

LadyWithLapdog · 05/07/2023 23:08

Is it just travelling? Is this new? I hope he’s at addressing it with counselling, meditation etc.

LadyWithLapdog · 05/07/2023 23:08

Medication. Though meditation would help as well.

Mmhmmn · 05/07/2023 23:11

HerMammy · 05/07/2023 23:04

Unfortunately, many people
with anxiety can become very controlling and selfish and can't see beyond their own wants/ needs. Your life can't come to a standstill because of his anxiety.

This is so true

Original poster
HumbleBumb · 05/07/2023 23:24

I feel stuck. If i say a) OK DH it seems all a bit much let's go somewhere in the UK - he's like no, no, I don't want to ruin things. But then b) is me planning everything with him being weird and negative (is that near a big city? That is a very long drive? Don't go to the suburbs. It might be extremely hot there etc etc). I just said "DH I'm gonna start booking stuff tomorrow. OK?" And he said "I think so" very quietly

We don't have much money and 2 v young kids so really really don't want to do it if going to be miserable.

I just don't understand it. But also as someone said I can't help but feel controlled by it

OP posts:
LordSalem · 05/07/2023 23:41

What is he like day to day?

YouCantTourniquetTheTaint · 05/07/2023 23:47

What is he doing to treat his anxiety?

For the record, I have severe anxiety and I'm trying everything I can to fix it. If he's anxious and suffering with anxiety then he should be trying to fix it.

It would fuck me right off if he was trying to control things due to anxiety, and not do anything to help himself.

Mumtothreegirlies · 06/07/2023 00:01

My husband suffered from panic attacks for years and i remember telling him to get a grip once when he panicked and stopped us going up the snowdon train. I had no clue of the intensity of what he was feeling at the time.
roll on years later and he’s all better thanks to citilopram and there’s me having full blown panic attacks to the point I couldn’t leave my bed (I’m fine now)
but I now know the sheer terror he was experiencing.
I understand your frustration but I think you need to try and understand him, make compromises (within reason) and meet him half way. The more he senses you care and understand the more confident he’ll feel in facing his fears. If he thinks he’s travelling with someone who won’t understand or be there for him when he’s struggling he’ll want to do it even less. Hard work but worth it for the ones we love.

Mumtothreegirlies · 06/07/2023 00:05

HerMammy · 05/07/2023 23:04

Unfortunately, many people
with anxiety can become very controlling and selfish and can't see beyond their own wants/ needs. Your life can't come to a standstill because of his anxiety.

Spoken by someone who’s never experienced it. I get it. It’s hard to understand if you’ve never been through it.
imagine you’re being chased by a lion and all the adrenaline that’s running through you, this is what anxiety is. It’s your body releasing adrenaline for no reason. You have the fear and panic but there’s nothing to run from and it’s debilitating and annoying for people around you because they’re not in your body feeling how you feel.

BadLuck2023 · 06/07/2023 00:09

@Mumtothreegirlies
I've experienced severe anxiety, to the point where I couldn't go to the shops alone.

He needs to get help, OP shouldn't have to live a boring uneventful life because of his anxieties. Maybe postpone the trip for now under the caveat that he has to get help but honestly one of the best things you can do for anxiety is exposure therapy.

Rotormotor · 06/07/2023 00:10

FatNoMoreSue · 05/07/2023 23:05

Good god this would give me the severe ick. Having to tiptoe around a grown man’s anxieties would cause my fanjo to slam shut never to reopen.

Really? Men aren’t allowed to have anxiety?

cassiatwenty · 06/07/2023 00:12

I read a very similar post to yours two months ago.

cassiatwenty · 06/07/2023 00:15

FatNoMoreSue · 05/07/2023 23:05

Good god this would give me the severe ick. Having to tiptoe around a grown man’s anxieties would cause my fanjo to slam shut never to reopen.

I mean, how does anyone dare have anxiety and oanic attacjs, male or female, ffs one thing if you break your leg but anxiety, just snap out of it already, has he tried just relaxing?

cassiatwenty · 06/07/2023 00:19

YANBU for losing patience

However, a trip that will make you stressed out and exhausted isn't really worth much sry2say

People don't make this up. Perhaps he could stay at home and rest and you could enjoy your vacation with DC.

HerMammy · 06/07/2023 00:25

@Mumtothreegirlies
Spoken by someone blinkered^^
How would you possibly know what I've experienced? I didn't say anxiety doesn't happen, it is incredibly hard to live with a sufferer and it DOES take over as they lose the ability to be rational unless they seek help.

Doingmybest12 · 06/07/2023 00:26

I've seen the news and wondered if I'd want to go to France this year so I understand this. I find booking holidays, the research , the finding all the deals and logistics a really miserable process when I know other people enjoy it, I also felt worried about travel with young children generally so get this too. So I do empathise with your husband really. It is ok for him to have a different view about this but I can understand why you are finding this frustrating.

Radiodread · 06/07/2023 00:30

Anxiety can be crippling but you are really doing no-one any favors by trying to manage his anxiety and responding to his comments/ mandates about not going near big cities etc. that is enabling and reinforcing behaviour, I’m not at all blaming you for that as it is the natural reaction to try and flex to his needs. But ultimately it isn’t helpful.

what he is really saying is, I don’t want to or cannot go on this trip right now. So, probably better to not go but it is fine to say to him how disappointed you are and that your needs are very different to his.

some people with anxiety can be extremely controlling. I have been that person and in retrospect it was not fair or reasonable on those around me, and post medication and counseling I am not that person any longer.

what I don’t think is ok is if your DP scuppers the holiday and doesn’t recognize the impact of this on the rest of the family and is not getting or seeking any help. And is just relying on you to manage everything and remove life’s anxieties.

continentallentil · 06/07/2023 00:34

It must be v hard for him but I couldn’t cope with a partner like that long term.

Is he getting help for this, I would insist on that and probably find a way to be clear that while I could be supportive in the short term, it couldn’t go on.

Has he always been anxious and it’s got worse??