To be losing patience with my DH and his anxiety

[HumbleBumb]

Holiday being booked for end of August. France or Spain because DH doesn't want to fly with the kids. Now he's talking about the riots (even though we are talking about weeks away). Every time I suggest something "we could stop off here" etc He talks about the need to "process it all" and becomes quiet or looks at his phone.

He said today he wants to wrap DC in cotton wool and just keeps thinking how unsafe travelling is. He does say "I know its not logical and I don't want to stop us doing stuff but I find it all very hard". He also says "I dont Need u to fix it, I'm just struggling so be patient with me"

It feels miserable planning anything. DC are toddlers

AIBU for losing patience? But I'm struggling to orgnszie it all, think about what DC need, and manage his anxiety about travelling to bloody Europe.

The instinct that reflect worst on me is that for some reason he's exaggerating it all anyway.

I do have to agree with him on that one, the world is not particularly a safe place for travelling these days.

And I guess that gets to the crux of why you're seeing this issue differently. You don't think the world is a particularly safe place to travel in. I think we're probably just as much at risk of something bad happening if we stay at home, and I wouldn't want my world to be limited by fears about stuff that will almost certainly never happen.

Travelling is important to me, so I see the DH standing in the way of that as a significant issue and I would be very unhappy if he didn't seek help with his anxiety in order to facilitate this. Travel obviously isn't that important to you, so you can't see why it matters if they don't go on holiday.

Ultimately, it makes no difference what you or I think, because it is the OP's thoughts that matter here. If she feels that her DH's anxiety is impacting unreasonably on her live and on the lives of their children, then she is entitled to be pissed off by the fact that he isn't attempting to get help with this. In the long term, if he expects others to just accept it without making any effort himself to address it, it may damage the relationship irrevocably.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves We will have to agree to disagree. I understand you and others don't think it's fair but it's equally unfair that his mental health isn't being supported and the sole focus is on what OP wants to do.

I don't understand this attitude tbh. Yes, the main practical trigger for the OP wanting her dh to get help maybe about holidays, surely getting help is also the very thing that would support his mental health?!

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves I do think I'm seeing it differently because I have dealt with anxiety for over 25 years so I understand the struggles people go through.

There are many dangers in the world and for some, the risk isn't worth the stress it will cause. For example, all the riots in France would naturally put someone off going there for a holiday because it's so unpredictable.

But you are right, it's what the OP can deal with and how she views it but I still maintain that if he doesn't want to go on holiday then he shouldn't be forced to. OP could maybe go with the kids and a friend.

@Fairislefandango If it is that bad then yes he should perhaps look into getting support.

Oh, I agree that he shouldn't be forced to go on holiday if he doesn't want to. He just needs to realise that his choices will have consequences for the rest of his family and ultimately, perhaps, for his relationship.

I thought you were probably coming at this from the perspective of having dealt with anxiety yourself. I am genuinely sorry about that and I know how real your struggles are to you.

I am coming at it from my own perspective, which is as the child of a parent who struggled with anxiety. I don't doubt that her struggles were (and still are) very real. However, I wish that she could have stepped away from her anxiety enough to have seen the terrible impact that it had on others around her. She chose not to seek help with it, telling herself that she could live with it. What she did not fully appreciate was that the rest of us had to live with it too, and that wasn't fair.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves Apologies, I meant dealt with it within the family for that long. It's a scary thing to go through and I'm sorry to hear you also had to deal with that with your child. It is hard and can be very draining but I completely agree with you that they have to be the ones to get help, no one can do it for them.

Sorry I meant having a parent who went through it - I misread.

It sounds like it would be easier to just go on holiday with a friend or family member than with DH.

He doesn’t want to go anyway, and this way you get to fly, have a great time, with reliable support with DC.

Personally I would not want to go on holiday with 2 toddlers, unless they were my children or grandchildren.

@BansheeofInisherin I was thinking of close family member or a mate with young DC.

I have traveled with mine when they were 2 and 5 as the only adult and really enjoyed it but I appreciate that’s not for everyone.

I guess I have lived with it for 50 years, @KentuckyFriedChicken83 . And still dealing with it now. So you'll have to forgive me if my patience is wearing thin...I might have taken a different view 25 years ago.

How is it supportive of his mental health to not challenge his refusal to get help for it?

If he were hearing voices, cutting himself, self medicating with drugs or alcohol, or in the full throes of a delusion thst he was Winston Churchill, would it be supportive to just accept and work around those symptoms of illness too?

I so wish my mum had challenged my dad's anxiety, and made him seek help instead of enabling him. He was a loving and kind father, but his anxiety really ruled our house. And he wasn't as bad as the OP's DH, because we did travel. It's just that there was a constant atmosphere of tension and worry.

I rebelled by marrying the least anxious and controlling man in the world!

I understand, it is so hard to deal with when it's a family member. I saw a video on social media where a 6 year old was having to calm her mum down while she was having a panic attack and that felt very wrong to me. It should not be the burden of the child to manage. If that is what you dealt with, you have my full understanding and empathy.

Definitely do not give up on the Europe plan. But maybe consider going through a travel agent so the booking process is easier, you get an itinerary showing all the flight details, the transfers etc. And you have that back up should anything go wrong. Also your partner could call the agent once it's all booked and have them talk him through the itinerary. Be persistent but patient.

What gets me is this idea he should ‘get help’. As if then all will be well.

You get fobbed off at GP with meds that can actually make things worse or you access IAPT if you can be seen. That service is patchy at best. Yes anxiety can be managed but it can be a long process and accessing effectively help isn’t always easy. A family relative of mine has bad anxiety. Meds didn’t help and the IAPT service was not suitable. He’s been on a waiting list for a talking therapy for over a year. He can’t afford private therapy.