To be losing patience with my DH and his anxiety

[HumbleBumb]

Holiday being booked for end of August. France or Spain because DH doesn't want to fly with the kids. Now he's talking about the riots (even though we are talking about weeks away). Every time I suggest something "we could stop off here" etc He talks about the need to "process it all" and becomes quiet or looks at his phone.

He said today he wants to wrap DC in cotton wool and just keeps thinking how unsafe travelling is. He does say "I know its not logical and I don't want to stop us doing stuff but I find it all very hard". He also says "I dont Need u to fix it, I'm just struggling so be patient with me"

It feels miserable planning anything. DC are toddlers

AIBU for losing patience? But I'm struggling to orgnszie it all, think about what DC need, and manage his anxiety about travelling to bloody Europe.

The instinct that reflect worst on me is that for some reason he's exaggerating it all anyway.

OP has already explained this

Its flying with me and the kids that is impossible because he just thinks about us dying the entire time

I posted earlier in the thread that this is what happened to me when my kids were small. I went from being someone who loved flying, to someone who was terrified of putting her babies on this tube flying at 36,000 feet. I know it was irrational, but I spent the months leading up to the trip absolutely terrified that the plane would crash with them on it. I imagined every detail, their fear when somethng started to go wrong, my powerlessness to save them etc. And as I said in my post, I even spent ages researching different ways to get there. All the time simultaneously recognising that those ways were actually less safe. But somehow I felt in control of us driving etc.

I don't suffer from generalised anxiety, so this came out of nowhere. But it was very very real.
So I absolutely disagree with you that he is somehow pretending to have this issue. I can understand him being just about able to fly alone, but not with his kids.

That's something fundamental about wanting to control the risk to your kids. In a car you (mistakenly) feel as if you can. On a plane you can't. You've handed control to the pilot and those who maintain the plane.

I don't know why people are going on about fear of flying, when they are now driving but OP's DH is still anxious about other stuff. This kind of anxiety will find something to obsess about, even if OP keeps trying to be supportive.

I have a friend who has given up flying. Fine. Her DH was willing to accommodate that and they don't have DC. Now she worries about her health and constantly goes to A and E at 2 am. She won't take meds either, so gradually she is driving her husband and those who love her away.

He says "I don't need your help and I don't need the family to change plans. I just need to be left alone and I'll manage"

So how does he see this going? You man handle two toddlers, manage them, do the driving (and organizing) and he what, sits on a rock looking at sunsets? Bollocks to that.

He has got help on and off. Never found a good therapist. Very anti medication

Aaah, yes, I have one of these. I practically had to threaten divorce before he would actually take the medication for his hay fever. But I was tired of living for 3 months a year with a bad tempered man who "didn't believe in medication". Such bollocks and I have no sympathy, sorry. His anxiety is affecting his whole life, and yours and the DCs' and he needs to get help.

He says he doesn't need medication because he lives a normal life (he goes to work, he goes abroad to weddings etc).

A normal life does not require your wife having to tiptoe around any plans becuase you're so anxious. Lovely for him - he gets to do what he wants and accommodate his anxiety, but what about you?

I accept that he might have genuine anxiety issues, but mental health is not an excuse for shitty behaviour. And that's what's happening now.

"*It must be v hard for him but I couldn’t cope with a partner like that long term.

Is he getting help for this, I would insist on that and probably find a way to be clear that while I could be supportive in the short term, it couldn’t go on*"

That seems very harsh, to me. Whatever happened to "for better, for worse; in sickness and in health"?

Maybe MN just doesn’t have many “good women” then.

Of course women are generally more understanding of mental health problems than men are, it’s just unfortunate that this thread gives a very different impression.

To be fair, I think it’s the general lack of knowledge around what true anxiety is that leads to responses like ones on this thread. And that’s not a criticism of anyone on the thread at all, it’s just a general opinion that from a medical point of view, real anxiety is very different to what is considered to be “normal level anxiety” that people think everyone experiences.

I am there for Dh in sickness and in health but, for example, when his asthma flares up, I'm a lot less sympathetic if he refuses to take the meds or hasn't bothered to replace the old ones.

My DC are young, but I'm already getting annoyed when they are not proactive. DS has a sore thumb where he bruised it - but he won't ice it. So my sympathy is limited.

"God helps those who help themselves" my mother used to say.

OP - is anxiety IS affecting his life because it's hugely affecting you and the DC. He needs to be taking meds or seeking therapy and if he's not, then YANBU to have lost all patience.

I think it’s nice that he’s protective about his kids , he’s right about avoiding France right now
but I would tell him his anxiety is effecting his kids and that might force him to take the leap

My DH has a chronic disease in his 50s. It affects our lives. He does his absolute best to control it, takes meds, watches his diet, and exercises. If he didn't do any of that, I wouldn't be sympathetic.

I don't want to be a "good woman" as pp above suggested, and I didn't take any religious vows. I want to be a happy woman.

Amazing lack of empathy from some posters on here.

People do not choose to have a mental health condition anymore than someone chooses to have a physical health condition.

If your husband is open to seeking help, and he clearly recognises there is a problem, then he should be supported to do so.

The "cure" for his anxiety (whether GAD, OCD or something else) will be dependent on him; his level of resilience, what works for him. Medication isn't the answer for everybody, same as therapy is not suitable for some.

He is the expert on his own health condition so a pile on about what he should do here is irrelevant.

What does he think is the answer OP?

He is the expert on his own health condition so a pile on about what he should do here is irrelevant.

Sorry, completely disagree. He's clearly NOT the expert. He claims it's not impacting his life but it is becuase he can't do things his wife and children would love and he is massively impacting his wife's life.

He also claims medication isn't an option, which is absolutely not true for people with genuine anxiety.

I disagree too. He is not the expert on his own health condition. The doctor is. And he doesn't get to decide what to do, if it's affecting everybody. Not with two toddlers. Maybe with older children who don't want to go anywhere.

I have experienced it. I'm on medication for it.

And I'm afraid I agree with @HerMammy - some people with anxiety absolutely are selfish about it and do insist that everyone around them accommodates them, regardless of the impact that it has on others. That's something I've always tried really hard not to do, but I've certainly seen other people do it to the detriment of their partners and kids.

I disagree with your last line. I have a generalised anxiety which borders on a health anxiety. I struggle massively with taking medication as I am convinced I will get all the bad side effects to the point I have psychosomatic symptoms at times. I had to take melatonin for poor sleep and had a panic attack after I swallowed it.
The thoughts of taking medications for anxiety brings on severe anxiety in me.

I have started taking the mini pill for peri menopause symptoms, I had to work myself up to taking it, I am on it 5 weeks now and am only starting to relax at this stage as it hasn't caused any side effects.

I absolutely hate when people clam they have anxiety when all they are is normal anxious, an anxiety condition is something much more serious and you dont behave normally with it. Yes you can see it is affecting people around you but you are being driven by a powerful fear that doesnt respond to being asked to behave rationally.

I flew with him before kids and he spent the whole time flying on the floor and drinking whisky so obviously I can't have him do that when we have 2 kids under 4

If he flies with you he just imagines you all dying the whole time? Christ.

He needs to seek proper help. I know he doesn’t want drug therapy but he needs to consider it. This is beyond unhealthy.

My Dh hates flying. We have 2 (now grown up) kids. They were young at the time of DH's hatred of flying so we had a couple of cruise holidays instead. I was happy to do this because I didn't relish the thought of dealing with 2 young kids whilst DH sorted himself out on a plane. We had some amazing cruise holidays.

Flying is his only issue whereas I've had anxiety for all of my adult life, made worse by meno. Cruising gave me panic attacks and general underlying anxiety on the excursion trips but I always battled through. Wherever or whatever we do holiday wise, my anxiety is awful but I just crack on.

Another PP has said medication always works for people suffering true anxiety (or some such wording). Sorry but that's bollocks I'm afraid; medication is not for everyone. Medication has never worked for my anxiety however CBT, hypnotherapy, meditation, good sleep pattern and acupuncture has helped far more than tablets ever have.

A couple of years ago, I convinced DH that he needs to fly as I'm fed up of cruising (when we can afford to holiday!!) so he has now faced his fears and has got on a flight...its not pretty for him but he experiences anxiety for 1 day whereas my anxiety lasts for the length of the holiday no matter how we get there! 😫

I do sympathise OP, it can be so hard and frustrating to be with someone who suffers anxiety. He needs to persevere with finding a therapy that helps; has he tried hypnotherapy or CBT? Acupuncture is brilliant too. I hope he can find a solution to help you both. 😞

Maybe, or maybe it’s that they understand that ultimately, anxiety is something that only a professional can help with. If he refuses professional help, that doesn’t mean OP and their kids should make their lives smaller to pander to him. I have CPTSD, I understand anxiety and whilst I expect support from my partner, I don’t expect him to manage it for me by making his own life smaller. You have to take personal responsibility.

He is the expert on his own health condition so a pile on about what he should do here is irrelevant.

What does he think is the answer OP?

He thinks the answer is (per the OP) He says "I don't need your help and I don't need the family to change plans. I just need to be left alone and I'll manage"

In other words don't expect any input from me, don't expect any engagement, I'll leave you to do all the planning, the driving and wrangling the kids. While I do my own thing alone and you have to be patient with me (again, per the OP).

Except he's willing to risk flying himself, leaving his wife a widow and kids fatherless.

Why isn't he anxious about?

Seems very self-serving, I'm not buying it.

If you're not the OP's husband then you're just projecting your own interpretation.

The only person who knows what's going on in OP's husband's head is him.

He says, book it. He'll cope. So he's not stopping OP and her kids from doing anything. What he is doing is becoming another problem that OP has to deal with on top of the kids. However, this thinking just underlines how little OP understands his struggle.

Anxiety keeps us alive. It's a necessity in life. Likewise, stress, which gets things done. However, we're not talking about the anxiety we all experience, we're talking about a mental health condition. If you've ever been in a life or death situation then that level of anxiety is the level for comparison and OP's husband has no control over it.

You wouldn't tell someone in a wheelchair to just stop messing about and get up so why do you think it's just a case of pulling yourself together for anxiety?

@2pence what do I do?

That's so miserable and frustrating for you. You essentially have another giant toddler you need to consider and manage.

Personally, I think you should compromise and stay in the UK as he'll be absolutely miserable and ruin the whole trip. That's a long drive with toddlers as well, I would fly or not go. Either way you'll resent him but I think it will be more restful for you to stay in the UK.

@HumbleBumb find a compromise, something that works for the whole family.

Encourage your partner to seek help and find a way to cope with his anxiety.

Shaming him and making him know what an utter nuisance his unchosen illness is to you and the kids is not helpful to anyone. Would you be cross if he had a debilitating physical illness that meant he was unable to travel instead?

Typically, men do not seek help with their mental health and this thread is a pretty good illustration of why that is.

Umm if he had a debilitating physical illness that he wasn’t bothering to get any help for, while expecting me to take on the bulk of family life for holidays as well as put up with him, I’d leave him.

I'm scared of flying and struggle with long journeys due to disability. Last few years DH has gone on hols with relatives and I stay at home to look after the house anf elderly cats and have a carer come in.
Suits me fine.

I don't know if this would work but could you involve him in the planning in a constructive way?

Figure out what you would both like to get out of the trip and see if you can work together to book something you would both enjoy?