To be losing patience with my DH and his anxiety

[HumbleBumb]

Holiday being booked for end of August. France or Spain because DH doesn't want to fly with the kids. Now he's talking about the riots (even though we are talking about weeks away). Every time I suggest something "we could stop off here" etc He talks about the need to "process it all" and becomes quiet or looks at his phone.

He said today he wants to wrap DC in cotton wool and just keeps thinking how unsafe travelling is. He does say "I know its not logical and I don't want to stop us doing stuff but I find it all very hard". He also says "I dont Need u to fix it, I'm just struggling so be patient with me"

It feels miserable planning anything. DC are toddlers

AIBU for losing patience? But I'm struggling to orgnszie it all, think about what DC need, and manage his anxiety about travelling to bloody Europe.

The instinct that reflect worst on me is that for some reason he's exaggerating it all anyway.

I know it must be incredibly frustrating for you, but for him to say he doesn't want to stop his family from doing stuff takes a lot.

Not really, because his actions don’t fit his words.

I’ve just reread and seen you’re not flying to accommodate him. Absolutely no way would I be going along with that.

I also suffer with anxiety and I really hate it. It’s so, so difficult to live with.

My anxiety is related to a health condition of mine and travel is a massive trigger for me!

I absolutely hate going abroad, even the thought of it fills me with dread and I have only made myself do it once over the last 5 years because it was a special trip that we had planned for the children. I would never go abroad if it was just for a regular holiday because it just wouldn’t be worth the stress my anxiety would cause. When I did go away for our special holiday I can honestly say that my anxiety never left me. We had lots of fun and it was magical, but the constant worry and stress was in the background of my mind for the duration of the trip. I could never fully relax and enjoy the experience and me trying to portray that I was at ease and enjoying myself was mentally and emotionally exhausting.

I would give anything to be rid of my health condition and the anxiety that comes with it, but I can’t. I would give anything to be free of this anxiety and live life like ‘normal’ people do as I can’t even imagine how liberating it must be. Having anxiety is so consuming and I’m envious of those who don’t have it..

My husband absolutely loves to go on holiday and thankfully he’s really understanding of my anxiety as he knows I can’t help it and how much it affects me, and so two times a year he will take our children on holiday and I will stay behind.

I take propanolol 2-3 times a day to help with my anxiety, I have previously done an online CBT course and am now mid-way through another online counselling programme (webinar based and interactive) so my husband understands that I’m trying my best.

The reality though is that I will most likely never find the courage to go on holiday again and I do find it sad.

I can see why you’re so upset but please understand that anxiety can be so distressing….to be so full of fear and not be able to articulate why can be very upsetting. It’s an irrational and illogical condition and that’s part of why it’s so frightening.

The most important question to be asked: “Is you husband getting help for his anxiety?”

Because if he is, then at least it shows he is taking responsibility for his condition and trying to overcome it for the sake of himself and his family, but if he’s not getting help? Well, that’s when you need to think about whether this life is what you want - one where he’s not prepared to acknowledge he needs help and just expects the family to bear the brunt of his anxieties whilst taking no steps to address them.

*I know it must be incredibly frustrating for you, but for him to say he doesn't want to stop his family from doing stuff takes a lot.

Not really, because his actions don’t fit his words.*

What is he actually doing wrong though? Perhaps he just doesn't care that much about travelling. If my DH didn't want to do something I wouldn't want him to fake enthusiasm about it to keep me happy. I can think of plenty of friends who's partners wouldn't be bothered about planning stop offs on a holiday, but would go along with what their partner's want to do and these are people who don't suffer from anxiety.

As frustrating as it is, IMO you're being both unreasonable and self-defeating.

There are only two possibilities. 1) He is suffering from anxiety or 2) he is making this up.

If 1) he needs treatment and support, and the sensible thing would be to do this sooner rather than later. The treatment is more important than this year's holiday and would be a better use of money.

If 2) you're wasting your energy trying to negotiate.

Those saying 'he'll ruin his children's lives' are being excessively melodramatic. He could get treatment and find a way to manage this, and the sooner the better.

There has been many examples on here of the reverse and male partners have to be understanding of females and females are told to leave him due to their anxiety issues and men not getting it , all you can both do is compromise

His anxiety is having a debilitating effect on your life and the life of your children. Therefore, he needs to make tackling his anxiety a priority. He needs to speak to the doctor, get meds if necessary but certainly start speaking to a therapist.

As for this year’s holiday, I would prefer to stay in this country with small DC. However, I would be booking next year’s holiday now so he has a time frame to work with.

His anxiety should not be the whole family’s problem.

This!

I don't have an answer for you op, because you're damned if you do, and damned if you don't. But it is very controlling, even wrapped in the anxiety blanket you have to dance to his tune. He's already ruled out lots of places due to not wanting to fly. Tbh I'd be upset for myself and upset that the dc will have limited experiences growing up

If he doesn’t want to go away then he should just say so. As it is, it sounds like he wants to prevaricate until summer is over, and he even objects to a solution (UK break that requires no flying).

It sounds like OP is in for decades of this, sounds miserable.

Lacucuracha

Really, he may be a very kind loving husband and father. I’ve yet to meet a perfect human being. Frankly I’d rather have somebody like that than somebody devoid of any empathy, patience or understanding..

Not going on holiday isn’t dibilitating.

I knew this would end up being OP's "fault" and yet another thing she is supposed to fix by being understanding.

Well, I would find it so. To work hard all year and then have to tiptoe around my DH is not the kind of life I want.

MN is full of people with anxiety, so all the answers you get will be skewed, and eventually you will be expected to "Be Kind".

Anxiety isn't a choice. However, getting help with it is.

Medication and therapy is very successful.

You also should bear in mind that anxiety can be passed down via dna, so you may need to deal with it again in your dc.

Best to get to grips with it now.

*If he doesn’t want to go away then he should just say so. As it is, it sounds like he wants to prevaricate until summer is over, and he even objects to a solution (UK break that requires no flying).

It sounds like OP is in for decades of this, sounds miserable.*

I mean it's pretty clear he doesn't want to go on holiday this year, but he doesn't want his wife and kids to miss out because of him, so he's between a rock and a hard place. I think it's a bit melodramatic to say the OP is in for decades of this based on the information she's given; it sounds like he's just recently started having issues.

Anxiety is extremely common and will affect something like a third of adults at some stage in their life. When OP's children become adults I expect that number will have doubled, so it's incredibly likely they will encounter someone with anxiety at some point in their lives. I don't get the posters who jump to the children being scarred by having a parent who suffers from anxiety. It really depends on how the DH chooses to go forward. If he's resistant to seeking any treatment and his behaviour towards the children and his wife becomes controlling then of course she shouldn't stay with him.

At the end of the day anyone can rightly choose to leave a relationship if it's not making them happy.

That’s because the OP is hard and unsympathetic.
The man clearly has issues; bashing him on here isn’t the way to deal with it.

This reminds me of a friend who was hospitalised with depression. Her best friend's boyfriend said 'Why can't you just think of something nice?' Others said the 'snap out of it' thing. I actually told one of them that she could no more do that than they could 'snap out of' being stupid.

Oh well I disagree with you @Deathbyfluffy.

OP, has he always been like this or only after DC were born?

I don't have much patience for anxiety, I've ended friendships before because it's so tedious pandering to someone fussing over every possible risk. I think with a DH, you have to insist on them getting treatment and medication, or insist on going with the dc alone. I have nephews who are teens who have never been abroad because of their mum's anxiety and they've missed out on so many experiences.

Going to be hard for her to go alone with two toddlers.

I started going with a friend who was a single parent. Worked brilliantly. It was cheaper as well because we usually did a luxury caravan on a site in France which we split the costs on. Kids had friends so didn’t need entertaining.

I would find your DH exhausting and I don’t think yabu. I couldn’t deal with someone that had anxiety long term.

Book the stuff you want to do and just tell him what you are doing.

A huge amount to people can’t afford holidays and the numbers are likely to rise. We both work full time and haven’t had a holiday since before Covid. I don’t regard it as debilitating however watching my son wrestle with chronic anxiety gives true meaning to the word debilitating.

Posters saying it’s debilitating if they don’t have a holiday sound a lot more previous than somebody saying they find something hard because of anxiety.

As people have said...going abroad with 2 toddlers is hard enough. I may have said the wrong thing but I said to him last night "I only want to do it if we are a partnership and supporting one another with kids. I can't do it I'm managing everything all the time" and he said "ill try my best".

He says "I don't need your help and I don't need the family to change plans. I just need to be left alone and I'll manage"

And I know its hard for him but going on holiday with a silent withdrawn person with 2 hyper toddlers that costs ££ - no thank you!

He has got help on and off. Never found a good therapist. Very anti medication

He says he doesn't need medication because he lives a normal life (he goes to work, he goes abroad to weddings etc).

Looks like it according to the poster you replied to! Imagine I someone said that about a woman ‘It would make me lose my erection!’.
And we wonder why men are so much more susceptible to serious mental health/suicide that women. Because it isn’t considered ok for them to have issues.