To be losing patience with my DH and his anxiety

[HumbleBumb]

Holiday being booked for end of August. France or Spain because DH doesn't want to fly with the kids. Now he's talking about the riots (even though we are talking about weeks away). Every time I suggest something "we could stop off here" etc He talks about the need to "process it all" and becomes quiet or looks at his phone.

He said today he wants to wrap DC in cotton wool and just keeps thinking how unsafe travelling is. He does say "I know its not logical and I don't want to stop us doing stuff but I find it all very hard". He also says "I dont Need u to fix it, I'm just struggling so be patient with me"

It feels miserable planning anything. DC are toddlers

AIBU for losing patience? But I'm struggling to orgnszie it all, think about what DC need, and manage his anxiety about travelling to bloody Europe.

The instinct that reflect worst on me is that for some reason he's exaggerating it all anyway.

Has he got anxiety about other things. having re read the op, actually I think it's fine for him.to say I don't want to go to France or Spain with two toddler DC. I'm surprised that all replies are not accepting people can have other views.

I would tell my husband he’s obviously struggling wiht this, I know he doesn’t want to restrict family life and I want to support him, what I need is seeing him work to get on top of this and I think that means finding someone experienced in this to talk to. And help him find a counsellor. If he’s not going to counselling for it then he’s not really trying imo.

This will hop over to your kids and that's something that's more important than him right now

It will ruin their lives

And here we are. A grown man is anxious to travel. Which is not easy to understand for people who are more resilient. And bloody annoying and limiting too. But every other thread at the moment is about some kid being anxious about sports day, or getting the bus, or exams. Parents need to work on this right from the beginning. Don't let them opt out. Build up to getting them to do different things via graduated exposure. It will be uncomfortable for them but that is life and it just might prevent their partner and the internet in general calling them boring, disappointing, selfish and sexually unattractive.

YANBU and he needs to take steps toward addressing his anxiety problem as a matter of urgency.

He is going to blight his children's lives if he doesn't. Cotton wool indeed

1. There is a lot of projection in this thread. The OP hasn’t said anything about her husband having panic attacks - those were brought up by other posters in respect to their situations. The kind of behavior the OP describes does not sound as severe as that.
2. Regardless of the level of anxiety, it needs to be constructively challenged and managed. Not just “Oh, I have anxiety, I can never do anything again for the rest of my life.” OP, has your husband tried CBT? https://www.theatlantic.com/press-releases/archive/2020/04/the-anxious-child-and-the-crisis-of-modern-parenting/609901/

I live in France and without the news I wouldn’t know there were riots.

Is he getting any treatment?

Gently suggest he take a news break for a few weeks.

I had to do this as it was fueling anxiety and depression.

😹🤓

■♤♡|●○~hE is going to BliGht his children's lives if he doesn't♤□<{○ 🤲🤬 ♤>|¤♤Cotton wool INDEED♤♡>|

So sorry, I had this image in my mind reading that text. Very ominous!

Good that we're being reasonable

My sister has lived with severe anxiety for several years. It was tough for everyone around her but awful for her. She and I went away for 10 days to a far Eastern country and from the moment we got in the car to go to the airport to the moment we got back to her house, she thought every day we were going to die (for no reason). It was draining. But so much worse for her.
She went onto Sertraline at Christmas and within a few hours, she said she could feel a change. She is so much easier to be around now.

It would drive me a bit mad, and I totally understand the lack of patience with it, especially as you have young kids and really it's hard enough without having to juggle something else as well, nevertheless mental health disorders aren't something that someone can just switch off.

The key, for me, would be whether or not he's doing anything about it. Telling you you just need to be patient isn't reasonable. He needs to be asking you to be patient while he's diligently pursuing treatment.

It can be hard work, because anxiety isn't helped by letting him hide from the things he's anxious about. So it may be that the first few trips are miserable while he practices the techniques he's learnt to help him put thing sin perspective. But he needs to be making those trips and seeing that the outcome is fine. Not hiding away while you do it or stopping you from traveling at all. But when he's got it under control, he'll be able to be the partner and parent you need for future trips.

My DH has travel anxiety. I just power through and go anyway . It may sound harsh, but what's the point of Working all year then you can't even have a holiday . Just warning you if hes anything like my DH he only starts to enjoy it about day 3 . I'm so used to it now I just expect that and keep out of his way as much as possible until then . Ic we find a really nice destination we will go there a couple or times which also helps . Good luck !

Wow done sweeping assumptions about anxiety.

It can be caused by several things and can be crippling. It’s not something you can just sweep to one side.

Op I’d get him some support to try and unpick the cause and the best way to move forward with it. Human beings aren’t perfect, not even MNers. Maybe try and focus on his positive attributes in the mean time. Also holidays with toddlers aren’t really a necessity. At that age it’s the same shit but harder elsewhere for parents and most toddlers I know would prefer a paddling pool and sandpit in the back garden.

And just be aware that “ diligently pursuing treatment” is going to be expensive so may not be doable alongside funding holidays.

I speak as the parent of an adult teen rated as a priority for treatment by adult services who has had to wait 2 years for NHS therapy on moving from cahms having been told there is no medication to treat it. Apparently he is lucky because so few people even get taken on by adult services. 🤔The waiting list for CBT( if that was even appropriate) via the Gp is insane. So you’re looking at £70 a week for 40 minutes private therapy and a gamble that you can even find a good therapist and what you find is appropriate.

A dad of a young family might feel a tad guilty and uneasy re spending a fair bit of money on his own mental health however valuable it would be.

@HerMammy though wholly lacking in any kindness or compassion is correct in her assessment that those suffering from anxiety are controlling. They’re not selfish, they’re anxious. It’s a fierce state to be in. No-one wants to feel that caper. It’s unlikely to change in any meaningful way, sorry to say. You’ve a mismatch here. I suspect he’s always been anxious, but when we first meet, love makes us our shiniest best and braver perhaps than we really are when real life beds back in. Be kind to him, he’s not doing this shizz on purpose, but you’ve decisions to make because it’s no life for you either.

And how is the OP supposed to rest, on a 'holiday' like that?

I don't really enjoy planning holidays, for me it is the uncertainty and the evaluation which dh seems to love. The constant googling of different options for food, accommodation, etc. Then the analysis afterwards about all the little things which could have been better. He enjoys it but it sucks the pleasure out for me. Maybe if you can do as much of the planning, preparation and packing yourself and he just has to turn up.

I would suggest that for a road trip in France it is fairly easy to avoid big cities if you hop on the autoroute. We also had a rule of thumb of not going lower than the Dordogne with young children, it just wasn't worth the journey or hassle.

I don't suppose this is very helpful but I couldn't live with someone like that. Is he seeking help for the anxiety? If he's just sort of languishing in it then I think he's being unreasonable and selfish. You have a long life ahead of you together and without help it is likely to get worse with age.

Maybe the op could do the driving. I’m lucky that my Dh has always driven us through France but I’m under no illusions how stressful that can be.

Maybe look at a longer ferry and Brittany so shorter drive. We’ve done various parts of France with toddlers and a holiday it definitely wasn’t.

That holiday is going to be such, such hard work for you with two young kids and him acting like that. I really could not be doing with a man whispering “I think so” about booking a European holiday. It probably is unreasonable of me but being a mum to two young kids is such hard work anyway that I’d just really really hate him turning your time off into such a chore and giving you another person’s irrational emotions to manage.

It's difficult because recovering from anxiety does involve opening up to those close to you when you're struggling with an activity. It doesn't sound like he's in a place where he can get excited about the trip, so I would decide what you want the itinerary to be and give him as much notice as possible. Chat about the trip with your family and friends who you know will be enthusiastic.

I know it must be incredibly frustrating for you, but for him to say he doesn't want to stop his family from doing stuff takes a lot. Every instinct inside him will be telling him not to go on the trip and his mind will be running through every worse case scenario.

Is there an option to leave him behind?

The best lesson for him is to learn that he can’t control what you do.

@HerMammy I agree, I have periods of anxiety and find myself saying controlling things or thinking them or thinking about what I can say or do to make the situation more comfortable for me. Thankfully I am always working on my anxiety so I can stop myself from saying them and tell myself off or apologise quite soon after and talk it out.
When I start to worry I panic and can’t see the wood for the trees, I am irritable and my “no” button is switched on instead of yes even if I do want to do something really.

I do appreciate it not that simple for others though and if someone isn’t aware they are behaving this way then they’ll find it hard to control it. He does need some help.