To be losing patience with my DH and his anxiety

[HumbleBumb]

Holiday being booked for end of August. France or Spain because DH doesn't want to fly with the kids. Now he's talking about the riots (even though we are talking about weeks away). Every time I suggest something "we could stop off here" etc He talks about the need to "process it all" and becomes quiet or looks at his phone.

He said today he wants to wrap DC in cotton wool and just keeps thinking how unsafe travelling is. He does say "I know its not logical and I don't want to stop us doing stuff but I find it all very hard". He also says "I dont Need u to fix it, I'm just struggling so be patient with me"

It feels miserable planning anything. DC are toddlers

AIBU for losing patience? But I'm struggling to orgnszie it all, think about what DC need, and manage his anxiety about travelling to bloody Europe.

The instinct that reflect worst on me is that for some reason he's exaggerating it all anyway.

It is indeed a sensitive topic.

I am sorry about your family member and hope that they are getting good medical help. I understand your instinct to defend.

I don't question for a moment how limiting anxiety can be or how real the fear is that people feel. I get that. However, as someone who had to live with a parent who refused to seek proper help with this, I also recognise how damaging this can be for the rest of the family.

I am not minimising the illness. I am merely saying that choosing not to seek help should not be an option when your condition is starting to impact on the others around you. It is at that point that personal choice crosses over into selfish behaviour.

My dad was a very anxious man. He was also a doctor, but refused to get help ( good old days when nobody believed in anxiety). Definitely affected our childhoods and young adulthood. We just stopped telling him anything because he was always so anxious ( the days before mobile phones so easier). He got better when I was married, because he thought DH would take care of me! Actually, I was happily going on solo hiking trips without DH.

Untreated anxiety is draining and horrible for the whole family.

Oh yes, I recognise the listing of terrible things that could happen. It's such a buzzkill! I do my utter best never to do that with my own DC if they are travelling.

There has been a lot of sensible advice on here insofar as the need to show understanding in these situations but at the same time, the importance of dealing with these anxieties and not just letting them fester by taking the easy option of avoidance.

You can’t just treat anxiety away particularly if say neurodiversity is involved.

People with chronic mental health issues are not getting treatment, somebody anxious about holidays really isn’t going to be the top of any list for treatment.

What, both of them?

What most on here seem to be missing is that OP's husband IS going on holiday. He's terrified of traveling with his kids and has clearly made the mistake of sharing this with his life partner who now sees this as another burden.

He feels extremely anxious about his kids dying. That's the crux here.

There are lots of anxiety disorders where intrusive thoughts like this destroy people's lives. The form of OCD without physical compulsive rituals, sometimes called Pure O, can be torture for some people, and as his unwanted thoughts seem to focus on harm occurring to his loved ones, I do wonder if this is an avenue worth exploring?

Sometimes just the realisation that what you're feeling is shared by many others and there's no shame in speaking about it and seeking help is enough to move someone forward.

However, being treated like you're a burden is likely to have the opposite affect.

No one chooses to have a mental health condition.

No, no one chooses to have a mental health condition.

But people do make choices about whether to seek help or not.

Instead of the OP's DH seeking appropriate medical treatment for his anxiety, he seems to think that it's OK to manage his fears by limiting what his children can and can't do. How do you think this will play out as the children get older and they increasingly want more freedom? Will he continue to put limits on their lives so that he doesn't have to deal with the worry? And do you think this is a healthy way for children to live?

He’s had therapy and not found a decent therapist, what do you expect him to do? There is no quick fix, you can’t just take a pill to solve it.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves he is not stopping them going. He says book it, he'll find a way of coping.

Lots of hyperbole on here making his poor mental health as massive problem for his wife/partner when the actual problem is that she'll have to do a lot more work than if he didn't have an anxiety disorder.

It's not just about the holidays though is it? It's about his ability to function as a proper adult and facilitate a normal life for his family, including his children (who probably already think he's a wuss).

Yes, he says to book it but then he is guilty tripping her to the extent that she hasn't actually managed to book yet. I wouldn't want to live like that personally. He is trying to control her by laying on the guilt.

It's interesting that you think it's fine that his wife has to do a lot more work because of his anxiety disorder while he chooses not to seek treatment. So she should just have to suck that up?

I think i'd be telling him that i can't handle the waiting for him to process things. And that going forward i would plan the holidays, routes, destinations and breaks and let him know well in advance so that he has time to process where we would be at any given time.

And that if he doesn't want to come, i won't force him, but that is where me and the DCs will be.

If he doesn't want them to grow up anxious, he needs to let them experience things and build up the skills to handle the unknown.

ImNotReallySpartacus

it’s already been established he leads a normal life. It’s holidays that are the issue

Frankly I think having a partner with such little empathy as yourself making such derogatory comments to their father would be far more damaging than having a loving, caring parent who is just not keen on holidays.

My dad was a very anxious man. He was also a doctor, but refused to get help

My late OH was a doctor. The worst possible job for someone who is anxious. I also recognise the refusal to get help. In desperation I "shopped" him to his professional partner in the practice and eventually he did get some help - but suddenly (after 2 joyous years living with a normal man) he decided he was not going to take the tablets any more.

It is indeed draining and horrible for the whole family and I devoted my life to trying to mitigate the effects on the children. It wore me out. Then he got PD in his late 50s and his anxiety went through the roof to the point of paranoia. I feel that he wasted his life on this crap illness; and his refusal to continue treatment was a source of festering resentment for me. It makes me sad still, though he died 3 years ago.

I think there was a hereditary element to it - his mother was the same and so is one of my DDs - but, unlike him, she recognises the problem and approaches it in a practical way. She has been treated with drugs for many years, which have allowed her and all her family to have a normal life. I greatly admire her for that - I doubt she wants to be on the tablets, but understands that the alternative is not acceptable for her or those around her.

OP - your OH needs to seek help and the starting point is for you not to minimise the effect is having on you and the family. Tell it to him straight.

By the way - like your OH, every holiday, outing, trip to cinema, country walk was preceded by a litany of "what ifs" - it nearly drove me nuts. How to hide that from the children?

If the DH genuinely leads an ordinary life apart from somehow being able to travel alone but not with his partner and kids, then it would not appear that he has an anxiety disorder as such. He just has a worry about travelling with kids which I would say he needs to get over because it is getting in the way of the family doing normal family things. In the meantime, as the wife in that situation, I would just arrange to go without him. No need for any massive sympathy, because he isn't ill. My DH has a fear of heights, so didn't want to go to the top of the Eiffel Tower with me and dd. No big deal, we just went without him.

However, given that the OP has said that her DH is "extremely anxious" about the children dying, it sounds to me like there is a much bigger problem here that does need to be addressed, because it will impinge on the kids' lives in all sorts of ways as they are growing up. You can't stop your children from being exposed to any kind of risk... you have to let them experience what life has to offer while taking sensible and reasonable precautions to keep them safe. Avoiding all overseas holidays is not sensible or reasonable when the other parent really wants to take them.

It is an interesting question as to whether it is hereditary or whether it is learned behaviour. My dsis is very anxious to the point of it getting in the way of her ordinary life. I had always assumed that she had learned this from living with my very anxious mother, but there may also be a genetic component.

It feels miserable planning anything. DC are toddlers

How much has he been able to plan? It sounds from your description as if you have had almost all of the task, and have tried to accommodate what you think may work for him (driving, to Europe), but he's not taken a part and is only "processing" new bits of your plan, not getting involved and thinking along with you.

He may have very different angles on it if he has a choice and some agency in what's coming. Perhaps flying because it would be quicker and have no stops, even if it's not going to suddenly cure it all. Perhaps rethinking, going to the Channel Islands for the family hol instead, and working out another proper break for you that he'd be happy for you to enjoy if he can't.

And as others have said, everything is work when you are with toddlers, wherever you're roaming. Holidays are unlikely to be as restorative as you remember. Sometimes a path of least resistance is the pleasantest, for a few years.

I've gone over OPs posts again to try and give some objective advice.

For someone with anxiety, issues such as the riots in France, shootings in America, stabbing etc will be a cause of concern and to some extent, it is entirely justified. He is being a protective parent by not wanting to take his family to a place that has civil unrest.

He becomes quiet and looks at his phone, likely because he actually does feel bad for feeling the way he does. With anxiety comes feelings of guilt and feeling like you are a burden on your family. It's evident he feels bad with things he says but at the same time, he will find it near on impossible to stop these intrusive thoughts. Which in turn, can lead to clinical depression.

OP, why do you think he is exaggerating it? I would suggest reading up on anxiety and doing some research to get an insight into how he is feeling. As they say, with knowledge comes understanding.

Many people don't like to take medication as they feel it is a sign of weakness (which it's not) and there is still stigma around the issue of mental health as demonstrated on this thread. When there is a lack of understanding or empathy, people are unlikely to talk about what is bothering them. Does he lead a normal life aside from the holiday issue? If he does, I can understand him not wanting to go on medication solely for that issue.

He struggles flying with you and the children because he is worrying about you all which actually shows he cares a great deal. His intrusive thoughts have just got a little out of hand on the subject but it does explain why he can do holidays alone with his friends - because he only has himself to worry about which essentially lowers his anxiety.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves Thank you for your kind words and well wishes. I disagree that he is guilt tripping the OP, he has anxiety about travelling and understanding, support and encouragement is needed.

@Tincan5555 I completely agree with you and not wanting to take medication can also be part of the anxiety so he needs support and love to get his mind in the right space to be able to deal with the matter.

@ImNotReallySpartacus OPs husband is not a 'wuss' for having these intrusive thoughts and I would hope people would be ashamed if their children had that viewpoint.

redhaire · 06/07/2023 08:46
FatNoMoreSue · 05/07/2023 23:05

Good god this would give me the severe ick. Having to tiptoe around a grown man’s anxieties would cause my fanjo to slam shut never to reopen.

and this is why men don't speak about their emotions and also why they have a much higher suicide rate”

Quite. What a pathetic response.

@KentuckyFriedChicken83, we will have to agree to disagree.

He may not intentionally be guilt tripping the OP, but that is the effect. And from my perspective, the discussion doesn't just end with the statement that "he has anxiety" if he is unwilling to actually seek help with that. Of course I understand concerns about going on medication, the stigma associated with asking for help etc. But the fact is, his illness is now starting to impact on his wife and children, and will likely get worse as the kids get older and want to do more things. Are they just supposed to suck it up and accept that they can't do what normal families do because dad has anxiety? I don't think that's fair, personally.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves We will have to agree to disagree. I understand you and others don't think it's fair but it's equally unfair that his mental health isn't being supported and the sole focus is on what OP wants to do.

But how is it fair to expect everyone else to bend to support his mental health if he himself isn't willing to take action to get medical help with it? That's my point, really.

If he was getting proper help but still struggling, then I would see the situation very differently. But too often, one person's anxiety can be used as a means of shutting conversations down, and it isn't reasonable to expect others to just put up with that if the person experiencing that anxiety isn't willing to do anything about it.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves I do understand what you are saying and can totally see your side of it. I suppose it's a difficult one, trying to balance out the needs of everyone.

I do think the reasons for him not wanting to take medication should be explored if it is having such a negative impact on the family. It sounds like he can function with everything else though, it's just the holiday issue regarding leaving the country. I do have to agree with him on that one, the world is not particularly a safe place for travelling these days.