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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be losing patience with my DH and his anxiety

266 replies

HumbleBumb · 05/07/2023 22:49

Holiday being booked for end of August. France or Spain because DH doesn't want to fly with the kids. Now he's talking about the riots (even though we are talking about weeks away). Every time I suggest something "we could stop off here" etc He talks about the need to "process it all" and becomes quiet or looks at his phone.

He said today he wants to wrap DC in cotton wool and just keeps thinking how unsafe travelling is. He does say "I know its not logical and I don't want to stop us doing stuff but I find it all very hard". He also says "I dont Need u to fix it, I'm just struggling so be patient with me"

It feels miserable planning anything. DC are toddlers

AIBU for losing patience? But I'm struggling to orgnszie it all, think about what DC need, and manage his anxiety about travelling to bloody Europe.

The instinct that reflect worst on me is that for some reason he's exaggerating it all anyway.

OP posts:
BansheeofInisherin · 06/07/2023 08:23

So he can go abroad on weddings, but can't travel with the DC because he thinks something bad will happen to them?

Yeah, he needs meds and to find a good therapist. Otherwise, he will affect the DC's lives. I would insist on that.

I would also leave him be for now, go on the holiday and make him step up when there. Surely, he can be at least left in charge of the kids in the hotel, while you go out for a bit on your own. He can be silent in the safe space of the hotel. You are already compromising by not flying, so he can meet you halfway.

MiddleParking · 06/07/2023 08:24

He goes abroad to weddings but you’ve to drive to France with two kids? No. Absolutely not. And you don’t get to be left alone when you’ve got two young kids. I would not be tolerating any of that.

Notamum12345577 · 06/07/2023 08:25

Lots asking if he is getting help with his anxiety. But maybe he can’t. Trying to get mental health help from the NHS at the moment is very hard. And the OP said they haven’t got much money, so I would assume private is out of the question.

BansheeofInisherin · 06/07/2023 08:26

Tincan5555 · 06/07/2023 08:17

A huge amount to people can’t afford holidays and the numbers are likely to rise. We both work full time and haven’t had a holiday since before Covid. I don’t regard it as debilitating however watching my son wrestle with chronic anxiety gives true meaning to the word debilitating.

Posters saying it’s debilitating if they don’t have a holiday sound a lot more previous than somebody saying they find something hard because of anxiety.

Well, we can afford a holiday, and lots of people still can, so this race to the bottom is irrelevant.

Mischance · 06/07/2023 08:28

Oh good grief - how this brings back memories .... my dear late OH was a very anxious man and the idea of going away sent it into overdrive. In the end I just booked holidays and closed my ears to the worries, because I knew from experience that he would love it when he got there. It was very tedious and applied to going out anywhere, not just holidays,

BansheeofInisherin · 06/07/2023 08:29

Why the OP should give up holidays because other people can't afford holidays is beyond me. I'd say the same if OP were a man, by the way.

Pottedpalm · 06/07/2023 08:31

FatNoMoreSue · 05/07/2023 23:05

Good god this would give me the severe ick. Having to tiptoe around a grown man’s anxieties would cause my fanjo to slam shut never to reopen.

Oh, grow up!

Tincan5555 · 06/07/2023 08:31

But not having a holiday isn’t “debilitating”. If it was the numbers on PIP would be out of control. You can get PIP for anxiety but not for not having a holiday.

Notahugger2023 · 06/07/2023 08:31

BansheeofInisherin · 06/07/2023 08:26

Well, we can afford a holiday, and lots of people still can, so this race to the bottom is irrelevant.

Show quote history

Yep, some people may find this debilitating to family life and happiness. Holidays keep me sane and travel is in my blood so if DP said no more holidays I’d be gutted and think what’s the point of us both working full time and having DC in nursery/at grandparents.

Obviously if this was taken away from me due to financial reasons I’d have no choice but I’d still be gutted and that’s ok.

user1477391263 · 06/07/2023 08:31

He travels abroad for weddings, but the anxiety comes out of a hat as soon as he has to parent his toddlers on holiday.....?

BansheeofInisherin · 06/07/2023 08:34

Well @Tincan5555 let's not use the word "debilitating" but I wouldn't be able to put up with a DH who can't travel with me and won't help himself by taking meds. It's one of my non-negotiables, which make up a marriage, like sex.

Tincan5555 · 06/07/2023 08:34

I’m not sure you can just medicate anxiety OP. We’ve been told by several professionals that it can’t be medicated and it’s therapy that’s needed. Maybe he’s worried about spending ££££ on therapy.

MiddleParking · 06/07/2023 08:43

Tincan5555 · 06/07/2023 08:31

But not having a holiday isn’t “debilitating”. If it was the numbers on PIP would be out of control. You can get PIP for anxiety but not for not having a holiday.

It’d certainly debilitate any marriage I was part of.

Original poster
HumbleBumb · 06/07/2023 08:43

He goes on the odd trip abroad with friends and he flies then. He says he's still nervous but its flying with me and the kids that is impossible because he just thinks about us dying the entire time. I flew with him before kids and he spent the whole time flying on the floor and drinking whisky so obviously I can't have him do that when we have 2 kids under 4

OP posts:
redhaire · 06/07/2023 08:46

FatNoMoreSue · 05/07/2023 23:05

Good god this would give me the severe ick. Having to tiptoe around a grown man’s anxieties would cause my fanjo to slam shut never to reopen.

and this is why men don't speak about their emotions and also why they have a much higher suicide rate

MiddleParking · 06/07/2023 08:46

HumbleBumb · 06/07/2023 08:43

He goes on the odd trip abroad with friends and he flies then. He says he's still nervous but its flying with me and the kids that is impossible because he just thinks about us dying the entire time. I flew with him before kids and he spent the whole time flying on the floor and drinking whisky so obviously I can't have him do that when we have 2 kids under 4

Lying on the floor on a plane? What?!

BansheeofInisherin · 06/07/2023 08:50

So it seems like he has fear of flying. But only with the kids. Now you are driving, so that should be ok? Can he at least manage to take care of them when in the safe hotel? How is he with the DC on his own?

Lying on the floor drinking whisky was a red flag, OP. I would have binned him back then. But hindsight is always 20-20. Still, you are not required to be his support animal.

Tincan5555 · 06/07/2023 08:52

I’ve been known to curl into a ball in my seat and neck Prosecco on flights in order to get to places my husband wants to see.

I find flying terrifying. Is that not allowed now?

BansheeofInisherin · 06/07/2023 08:53

They are not flying any more. @Tincan5555 you are really making this thread all about you.

Mabmabdwarf · 06/07/2023 08:53

HumbleBumb · 06/07/2023 08:43

He goes on the odd trip abroad with friends and he flies then. He says he's still nervous but its flying with me and the kids that is impossible because he just thinks about us dying the entire time. I flew with him before kids and he spent the whole time flying on the floor and drinking whisky so obviously I can't have him do that when we have 2 kids under 4

On the plane floor?

if he can go on a jolly with his mates then he can buck his ideas up and go with his family. Ridiculous.

Tincan5555 · 06/07/2023 08:54

I’ve travelled abroad many times with and without kids. My husband is very supportive during flights and does the driving. It’s a 2 way thing .

BansheeofInisherin · 06/07/2023 08:55

And OP is driving all the way to Spain, so she is doing all she can.

Diorama1 · 06/07/2023 08:56

My anxiety increased massively after having children. I constantly envisaged multiple scenarios about how they were going to die. I worried about driving anywhere in case of a car accident, swimming in case they would drown. Days out were a constant source of anxiety for me. I went on holidays but would be exhausted before I even left the country because of the constant fear. I genuinely thought one of them would die on the holiday and I would regret going forever. Its very hard to just snap out of that way of thinking as it feels so true.
On holiday I have that constant feeling of impending doom, feeling of a hard ball in my stomach, I only relaxed when we were back home. I put on a brave face but honestly unless you have experienced this you cant ever understand how awful it is. I contemplated suicide many times as I felt I couldnt go on like this. I was afraid to go for treatment as I was worried it wouldnt work and then what hope had I? I also didnt want to spend money on treatment as I knew it was so expensive and I felt guilty. I kept thinking I could manage myself if just given time and space.

Eventually on one holiday, DH took the kids for an evening stroll along the beach, I couldnt get out of the car, I was paralyzed with fear. I stayed in the car and cried for an hour. I was missing out on so much as where my DH and my kids. I booked CBT the next day and it was AMAZING. It changed my life. I still have my moments but CBT helps me cope.

The best use of your money this year OP is to pay for CBT for your DH.

Tincan5555 · 06/07/2023 08:56

BansheeofInisherin

Hes being ridiculed for struggling on flights. Many people do. Seems a lot of posters are making it about them and what they would tolerate in a marriage sooo I think others can give their perspective too.

thedancingbear · 06/07/2023 08:56

OP, please remember there may well be a time in your life when you suffer from a chronic illness.

I am sure you will expect his support then, even if it limits your holiday choices.

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