To be losing patience with my DH and his anxiety

[HumbleBumb]

Holiday being booked for end of August. France or Spain because DH doesn't want to fly with the kids. Now he's talking about the riots (even though we are talking about weeks away). Every time I suggest something "we could stop off here" etc He talks about the need to "process it all" and becomes quiet or looks at his phone.

He said today he wants to wrap DC in cotton wool and just keeps thinking how unsafe travelling is. He does say "I know its not logical and I don't want to stop us doing stuff but I find it all very hard". He also says "I dont Need u to fix it, I'm just struggling so be patient with me"

It feels miserable planning anything. DC are toddlers

AIBU for losing patience? But I'm struggling to orgnszie it all, think about what DC need, and manage his anxiety about travelling to bloody Europe.

The instinct that reflect worst on me is that for some reason he's exaggerating it all anyway.

As I said, OP, the answers you get on here will be skewed.

And no doubt if that happens OP will seek all available treatment, including appropriate medication, especially to the extent that it limits the rest of the family from doing things. If she refuses to do that her DH may well run out of patience with supporting her and who could blame him.

Yes. She can't be expected to give up all holidays with kids- including driving ones- for the foreseeable future, on the off chance she may develop a chronic illness. That's bizarre and a very depressing way to live. She is supporting him now by driving and doing all the organising.

I said that because I’ve been in the position where I didn’t understand it fully because at that point I’d never experienced it.
And I said he should get help that goes without saying anyway

But he's also struggling with the concept of travelling by train and car, and with just being abroad. But he's insisting he doesn't want to spoil things by making them opt for a UK holiday. There is just no way OP can get a decent holiday.

So he can fly with friends.🙄

Sounds like he has you exactly where he wants you.

You organise everything.
He's miserable.
You do everything for the children.
He uses his "anxiety" to sit on his phone.🙄

Do not go abroad with him.
Don't waste your money.

Unfortunately I think you have chosen very poorly with him.

I think you have a very tough life ahead of you if you stay.

Everything will be happily controlled by him, while his "anxiety" prevents him doing anything for your children.

Everything will be left to you, yet he will NEVER be happy.

Kill the holiday completely.
Refuse to discuss it further.
He's ruined it and it is only a waste of money.

Can you visit family for a few days.

You need to keep family and friends close because I think you may well decide life is easier not living with him.

What about a cruise leaving from the UK as a compromise? No flying and lots to do including kids clubs

I wouldn't have the patience either . If he was like this prior to marriage I wouldnt have married him . I like spontaneous travel not micromanaging emotions beforehand

Don’t blame women for what men do please. Men created a culture of it not being ‘manly’ to talk about their feelings, not women.

I’d just go on holiday in the UK. He sounds insufferable. Then maybe book trip away to Europe with you and the kids when they’re a bit older and leave him out of it.

Not RTFT so sorry if this has already been said but I do wish there could be some other term for what I’ll call medical anxiety (ie a recognised mental health condition) because the word is used so often in an everyday sense. Eg I am a bit anxious about what the valuer coming this morning will reckon our house is worth - that’s nothing like medical anxiety but the same word is used. Actually, thinking about it, “depression” is another one - I might say Im a bit depresssed if the valuer gives us a lower figure than we’re hoping for but it wont be clinical depression by any means

He sounds ridiculous. It all sounds like an excuse so that the only holidays he goes on are piss ups with his friends, whilst you and the kids stay at home.

OP, how about suggesting you cancel the holiday as it’s clearly too stressful for him and instead he can stay home brand be safe with the kids, and you’ll fly abroad with a friend? There’s no way I’d give up holidays, especially as he still gets to go away alone.

Yes, suport him by letting him go on holidays with his friends with the family holiday money, whilst OP stays at home.

If he manages to fly with friends without lying on the floor necking whiskey, but not with you then that is a strange dynamic. Has he ever managed to fly for trips away with you without doing this?

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Yeah, this thread clearly demonstrates how understand women are of men’s mental health struggles… ..🙄

Whereas men as a group are so understanding of ours?

I totally understand your frustration. My DH suffers from anxiety and at times it is totally debilitating and so very frustrating when you're on the other side of it.

There are times when my DH refused to go out because of his anxiety and I once had to choose between going on a day trip on my own or losing the event we were going to and had paid for. I went on my own after losing my temper with him and telling him he needed to get some help.

That incident was, thankfully, the catalyst he needed in to getting some help. He contacted his GP who arranged CBT with a local charity. It really helped him.

He still has periods of anxiety and re-reads his CBT notes when this happens.

I am not the most patient of people and do occasionally snap when I can see the anxiety is taking over, but I do also have to tame my own reaction to it, because I know he's not doing it deliberately.

OP - your DH is saying he knows he's being unreasonable, but doesn't want to fix it. That's your biggest problem. You need to make it clear that his anxiety could ultimately ruin your relationship if he doesn't take action. Persevere with finding the right support. My DH was supported by Mind and they were really good for him.

The good ones are.

He needs medication. Get him on sertraline. I say that as someone with chronic OCD - people who don't help themselves with mental illness are being quite selfish if they know that something is wrong and take no steps to sort it out.

Also a holiday with little children is a nightmare. I would advise if you've got the money a UK holiday. Outside term time Centre Parcs, or a holiday park of some kind.

If abroad all inclusive? Or self catering holiday apartment with access to pool.

He lost me at "I'll fly abroad for a wedding,or
With my friends, but a family holiday is too difficult for my anxiety. Oh and no medication either"

Just go without him and get used to doing stuff as a lone parent. It will be good practice for when you divorce him.

How bad can the mental health struggles be when flying abroad for a piss up with mates is doable but going on holiday with your wife and two toddlers after she has told you you need to take more responsibility is too much?

Poor brave little soldier.

OP didn’t mention he’d previously been abroad with friends until page 4 of the thread. A lot of the shitty comments towards him and his anxiety came long before she made that disclosure.

Just like women then. Statistically women give far more emotional support to men struggling with their health, than men do for women or each other. Maybe it’s not a men Vs women thing after all, maybe it’s just some people don’t understand and others do? Do you think that’s possible?