MIL 'speaking out' on H's behalf regarding DD's studies

[shecanshewillmil]

DD is 4 and starting school in September

I do basic learning with her but in addition to this, she is learning to play piano, she swims twice a week and does gymnastics. I enjoy talking to my daughter, and naturally we have conversations about interesting, education topics, worded appropriately for her age groups

Disciple is important from an earlier age. It simply makes your life easier. In the end. I do not hit my children, I mean self discipline. DD has to put her washing in her basket and knows how to separate white washes, strictly. She is good at this. Puts her shoes away properly. Knows not to take more stuff out without putting the other stuff out

Puts her bed together in the morning (with my help, I want it done properly).

MIL pulled me aside at the weekend to say H was worried about my attitude towards learning. She said he is concerned DD is doing too much. I said did H really say this? She said well, no, but I know he feels that way. H says to ignore her

I said no, she's happy and balanced. There isn't even a mention of her disliking anything yet. She enjoys her activities

DD had a disabled brother and knows she is fortunate not to have these barriers, and should appreciate life to the full

AIBU to say it is not her place? She lacks personal discipline and it shows. Sadly, we must all do it to succeed

Perhaps this is a cultural thing. H is white British. I am not so. But I have to say, I am from a working class background and by no means 'middle class'. But opportunities and exposure through fun is important to me, parenting wise! It builds children up for success and happiness. These things set the foundations for a happy, comfortable life.

It’s great for children to have lots of interests, as long as they enjoy them and don’t end up exhausted. However, I think you are taking this way too seriously, especially when you said ‘she lacks discipline’. She is 4, not an elite athlete. You need to calm down a bit.

My DD is great and she doesn't lack discipline (she's only 4 anyway?)

I said MIL lacks discipline.

I think the op is saying her mil lacks discipline, not the 4 year old

Dunno but I think swimming twice a week, gymnastics and piano is too much personally. That is 4 things.

Also I'm not convinced by ability to sit and concentrate on learning piano age 4 to be honest.

MiL should stay out of it. As long as your daughter is happy, that's all that matters

@Lucyccfc68 I think OP means her MIL lacks personal discipline.

I think you need to take a step back and consider what they are saying.

she is only 4, your expections are putting a lot of pressure on her. There is plenty of time for making bed and separating washing when she is older

She can swim - she just does 1 class and then a swim session for fun, with me/me and Brother

Learning the piano can be really fun! And the basics are easy even for age 4

This bit jumped out at me

DD had a disabled brother and knows she is fortunate not to have these barriers, and should appreciate life to the full

She's 4. You shouldn't put that level of pressure on her.

I am sorry for your loss.

@Lucyccfc68 l thought she meant the MIL lacks discipline?

Either way it’s not her business and MIL needs to keep her nose out

The bad is an awful typo - I meant has.

Had to bad!

Just be careful if you expect your dd to be perfect and allow her brother a lot of slack.

Even with the typo that's a dreadful thing to put on a child.

You obviously dislike your MIL 😂

She shouldn’t be criticising you and pretending it came from your husband. You do sound quite strict and your approach is very different to mine but I do agree that exposing children to a wide variety of opportunities is a positive thing.

I apologise, I read your post wrong. Sorry.

And to clarify, yes she should know she is fortunate. Anyone should who is not disabled - at least know they have that advantage

DD knows full well that she has the gift of speech and is able to use that. She appreciates the hardships of others like her brother and I think this gives her a good sense of empathy, even at 4

Agreed.

At 4 she really really doesn’t need that pressure on her. It’s not fair on her.

Personally I didn't expect any of my dds to make their bed every day at 4. I didn't expect them to do anything around the house really. We'd tidy up together sometimes. Amazingly they are grown up and perfectly nice mannered people.

I'm disabled.

I think it's wrong to put that on a child. She's a child. By making her overly "grateful" for "the gift of speech" and the rest of it - you run the risk of building resentment for her brother.

She's four.

Honestly, I see where your MIL is coming from. You need to take a step back a bit and let her be a kid. She shouldn't be worrying about separating laundry and making her bed properly at that age.

Good for you. That doesn't mean it couldn't have gone the other way, or this type of expectation isn't an advantage

What's wrong with making your bed? A life skill - and should be done. It's a good way to 'start' the day, and lots of people find they have more get up and go by just simply doing the act of making their bed

You sound very OTT. Lacking personal discipline? At age 4?! The poor child. Your attitude is rigid and harsh, and imo misguided. These things do not necessarily 'set the foundations for a happy, comfortable life'. Quite often they create an anxious, over-driven child who later goes to pieces whenever they fail to live up to their parent's unrealistic and inflexible standards. I'm a teacher and have seen this happen quite often.

She is just mindful of it. She isn't reminded of it or presented with 'oh DD you are lucky, you should be grateful' type speeches. It's just having the ability to be mindful of our advantage sometimes