MIL 'speaking out' on H's behalf regarding DD's studies

[shecanshewillmil]

DD is 4 and starting school in September

I do basic learning with her but in addition to this, she is learning to play piano, she swims twice a week and does gymnastics. I enjoy talking to my daughter, and naturally we have conversations about interesting, education topics, worded appropriately for her age groups

Disciple is important from an earlier age. It simply makes your life easier. In the end. I do not hit my children, I mean self discipline. DD has to put her washing in her basket and knows how to separate white washes, strictly. She is good at this. Puts her shoes away properly. Knows not to take more stuff out without putting the other stuff out

Puts her bed together in the morning (with my help, I want it done properly).

MIL pulled me aside at the weekend to say H was worried about my attitude towards learning. She said he is concerned DD is doing too much. I said did H really say this? She said well, no, but I know he feels that way. H says to ignore her

I said no, she's happy and balanced. There isn't even a mention of her disliking anything yet. She enjoys her activities

DD had a disabled brother and knows she is fortunate not to have these barriers, and should appreciate life to the full

AIBU to say it is not her place? She lacks personal discipline and it shows. Sadly, we must all do it to succeed

Perhaps this is a cultural thing. H is white British. I am not so. But I have to say, I am from a working class background and by no means 'middle class'. But opportunities and exposure through fun is important to me, parenting wise! It builds children up for success and happiness. These things set the foundations for a happy, comfortable life.

Yet you posted in AIBU!

I get that. It isn't really phrased like that to her though. It's more of a 'isn't it great you and me can speak. You have a voice. Use it, some others can't'

I was pretty much going to say what @Noicant said. I think it's the writing style and repetition of the word discipline that is making OP come off as cold and militant. What she is actually asking her DD to do isn't much to ask. My 2.5yr old unloads the dishwasher with me, loads washing and helps pack away Brio etc. He likes helping out. I think it makes him feel 'big' and part of the pack.

It does seem like OP's DD has a lot of activities going on, but it's easy to adjust these as and when needed. If she enjoys piano lessons, then I don't see the harm for instance.

lots of people find they have more get up and go by just simply doing the act of making their bed

I can tell you for free that a lot of people's get up and go is not based on when and how they make their bed 😂and I agree that airing it is best too.

OP, I don't there is anything wrong in what your daughter is doing. I think that harm might come depending on how you're doing it. Having impossibly high expectations can be a form of emotional abuse. But as long as your daughter is enjoying everything and does not feel pressure from you to achieve, then you're fine.

I’d like to see you back here in, say, 6 years time when she’s 10.
I think you’ll be asking for advice on what to do with your rebellious daughter because as sure as eggs are eggs she’s going to rebel.

Even that is so problematic.

She will know exactly what you mean (I did).

Yes I agree with your MIL. That level of discipline at home, coupled with the pressure of the after school activities and with a disabled brother in the background, all at 4 years old sounds like a teenage mental health crisis waiting to happen. I think you need to dial it down a bit or at least wait a few years, if you want her to grow up happy and well adjusted. Discipline isn’t everything and especially in girls these days can be fraught with problems when they get older (and social media etc starts becoming an issue).

So? Yet you'll see thousands of posts about 'motivation'. Making your bed in the morning is always on the list, it seems. And it works too, for a lot of people

Our beds aren't made straight away either they're aired until we've sorted ourselves for the day, then made

I had zero discipline.
I was allowed to roam the streets from 3 onwards and was raised in a home with DV and serious MH issues (not recommended obviously but just for contrast).

I am a very happy, intelligent, successful and confident adult and my teenage DD is perfect in every way and I’ve never had to use strict discipline.

The majority of people I know who had a strict upbringing absolutely rebelled as they got older and have messed up adulthoods because of it.

I think rules and discipline have their place but too many parents use it as a way to get out of actual parenting.

There’s a line between having rules and being a control freak.

I think your stealth brag from the original post about how very well to do your 4 year old is may have backfired. It’s like you’re trying to build one child that can do everything to make up for the other who can’t, and honestly it reads like the poor girl is being emotionally manipulated by comparing her to her brother. I think your MiL approached it in a bad way, but I don’t think she’s without a point. Your daughter has a whole childhood to do classes, learn chores and become a parrot of adult conversation. Wind it back a bit and certainly stop making her feel grateful for the happenstance of her circumstances compared to her own brother.

It's more of a 'isn't it great you and me can speak. You have a voice. Use it, some others can't'

Still not an appropriate thing to say or imply to a 4 year old. No way.

I do agree with OP that it's not up to MIL to parent her child but her and her DH. For better or worse. OP is doing what she considers the right things for her child.

Sweet Jesus my nieces are 4 they don't do hardly any of this. they know to put clothes in wash basket and what bin is what. but that's it. only class is football (now it's more fun play ) and swimming rotate evey staturday. thus sounds intense

But even then why make a thing of it? To her he is just her brother and he is who he is. Why make a point of what he can’t do to her?

That is a very regimented childhood you are giving her. It’s very far from my own parenting style and if I had a dil that raised my dgc that way I would be concerned too. There is usually very little benefit for children growing up in strict environments and it usually presents itself in a disconnect between children and parents. The pressure is too much.

You might think it’s ok now and that she is only doing a few things but as she grows you will no doubt add to the list of requirements and she will become resentful, anxious and a perfectionist prone to things like eating disorders. I have seen it with all my kids friends who have grown up similarly.

She'll end up resenting her brother before long.

Whist she is flitting around doing this that and the other, and doing her chores like a good girl, she will see and realise he doesnt.

Dont make her superperfect to make up for the fact that he isnt

My son is also starting school this year. There's no way he would cope with regular activities yet (is at nursery 8-3) but that doesn't mean others definitely shouldn't do it.

The house stuff, I'm really trying to give myself a talking to, to be more consistent with as I definitely do think he's old enough to use a washing basket and clear up after himself to an extent and he will find it much easier later than I do, if it just becomes second nature

At four, I think you've got a very skewed impression of your talent for instilling discipline in her.

Little kids actually love chores, playing house etc. They have no real responsibilities, so it's no big success that she goes to planned activities and does a cute bit of tidying.

So come back when she's 12, starting to feel tweenagery, and wants to spend time with her friends, not impressing mum. And don't make her feel like shit for not having discipline then. It's far from the be all and end all.

You say you come from a different culture, so maybe English is not your first language, and that's why you sound very full on.

Your child is 4. That's very little.

I kind of agree with some basics and routine, it's no effort to tidy up even at 4, but for example Knows not to take more stuff out without putting the other stuff out really? That sounds a bit much for a little one.

None of mine would go to bed in a messy bedroom, but there's a point where they can still play with their stuff and add to it, at least for a day. Not rigidly tidy after each regimented activity.

Just chill when she's at school. She will learn at her own speed. Children will start in reception, not knowing a single letter of the alphabet or writing their own name, but will end up being the first fluent reader in the class. It doesn't really give them a boost to push them too early, despite why some parents think.

And actually by making such a point of what she can do like that you risk giving her some sort of feeling of superiority which could really backfire when she is at school and tells peers she is luckier than her because she can talk.

@SayHi with respect, it seems your upbringing has distorted your view on what “strict” is. Making your bed takes all of 30 seconds, helps with motor skills and is a positive start to the day. It’s hardly scrubbing the floors for hours!

Me either, the word "chores" puts everyone off straight away. Jobs is what I call it, as did my mother. Everyone needs to do jobs around the home even if they are just little jobs like putting away toys or putting the toothbrush back in the pot or carrying an item at the shop. From about age 3.

So come back when she's 12, starting to feel tweenagery, and wants to spend time with her friends, not impressing mum. And don't make her feel like shit for not having discipline then. It's far from the be all and end all.

12? you are optimistic, I think by year 5-6, the attitude starts 😂

It’s like you’re trying to build one child that can do everything to make up for the other who can’t, and honestly it reads like the poor girl is being emotionally manipulated by comparing her to her brother.

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head here.

Well I'm not op but I do have a 20yo who has never rebelled and a 10yo who so far hasn't rebelled, and both of them have been raised the same way as op is raising her DD, so clearly this is an unnecessary stupid post designed to make op feel bad.