MIL 'speaking out' on H's behalf regarding DD's studies

[shecanshewillmil]

DD is 4 and starting school in September

I do basic learning with her but in addition to this, she is learning to play piano, she swims twice a week and does gymnastics. I enjoy talking to my daughter, and naturally we have conversations about interesting, education topics, worded appropriately for her age groups

Disciple is important from an earlier age. It simply makes your life easier. In the end. I do not hit my children, I mean self discipline. DD has to put her washing in her basket and knows how to separate white washes, strictly. She is good at this. Puts her shoes away properly. Knows not to take more stuff out without putting the other stuff out

Puts her bed together in the morning (with my help, I want it done properly).

MIL pulled me aside at the weekend to say H was worried about my attitude towards learning. She said he is concerned DD is doing too much. I said did H really say this? She said well, no, but I know he feels that way. H says to ignore her

I said no, she's happy and balanced. There isn't even a mention of her disliking anything yet. She enjoys her activities

DD had a disabled brother and knows she is fortunate not to have these barriers, and should appreciate life to the full

AIBU to say it is not her place? She lacks personal discipline and it shows. Sadly, we must all do it to succeed

Perhaps this is a cultural thing. H is white British. I am not so. But I have to say, I am from a working class background and by no means 'middle class'. But opportunities and exposure through fun is important to me, parenting wise! It builds children up for success and happiness. These things set the foundations for a happy, comfortable life.

What on earth is the point of an aibu when the op just wants to hear everyone agree with them? Making a bed has little effect on most people getting in with their day, they usually have too much day to be getting on with. Do you have any extra curricular activities op? Sounds like you need a hobby to be honest, outside of making your daughter some sort of mini stepford wife who’s whole purpose of existence is to not be her brother.

@Gerrataere I think the AIBU was about the OP’s MIL, specifically about the NIL’s claim to be speaking for the OP’s DH. That’s likely false from what the DH is reported to have said , and therefore nasty.

No, making your bed does not give anyone "get up and go". There is simply no logic or evidence in that assertion. If anything, it uses up energy and gives you less "go". Or it's just a routine morning task which is no different from getting dressed or washing up the breakfast things or walking to the station. You might just as well claim that getting up and cleaning the entire house gives people get up and go. Hell, why not go for a full redecoration job every day to give you a real burst of energy?

Plus, as pointed out, beds really do need to be aired regularly.

I think your daughter sounds adorable and you sound like a great mum. And I don't think at that age she would see housework as work. I'm sure she enjoys helping you to make the bed and that sort of thing. Mine used to like pairing up socks. They wouldn't consider it work!

Just don't engage with your MIL. Don't respond to her comments & if necessary change the subject. It's the only way I got my MIL to realise I wasn't going to smack my kids and use fear and control as discipline.

I'm not going to comment on parenting. I'd just ask you to be careful about teaching your DD to be inclusive, rather than seeing herself as lucky, disability wise. My DS is autistic, although very high functioning/ high IQ, he's looked at differently and like he IS disabled when we work hard for him to feel equal to his peers.

If you were raised this way OP I assume you are very successful in your chosen field of work. Obviously more than your husband who was raised by your "messy" MIL.

This.

I speak with some experience of this - I've been a psychotherapist who worked a lot with young people. It is very common for children whose parents have this level of expectation to excel and excel and excel - until they eventually break, often in adolescence.

So you disagree with the UK EYFS curriculum as most of these expectations are on there! It is expected at school not sure why some UK parents have such low expectations of their children. Well I do know, it takes effort and time on their behalf.

Cripes, I'm 41 and cannot be arsed making my bed to get back in it again, but I defo lack discipline

@marmaladeslade OP said she is a nurse.

i feel sorry for the child wirh all the “discipline” and “gratitude”
wonder what the consequences will be once she rebels or doesn’t want to be mum’: project anymore.

You DD isn't some "do over" for all the things he brother couldn't do due to his disability. It sounds like you are putting a huge amount of pressure on her to "live life to the full" or whatever, to make up for that, and it's unfair on both your children.

That said, weird comment from your MIL. Maybe she was scared to tell you it's how she felt. Or maybe your H has expressed concerns, but is scared to tell you - you sound highly strung.

@shecanshewillmil "Is this like the myth 'headlice prefer clean hair'

Is that a myth?

I don’t think your expectations are at all unreasonable! I ask my 2 year old to take his clothes to the washing basket.

And saying you have to put toys away before you get the next lot out is just common sense. Much better to make it a habit from an early age.

Back to the original topic - very odd that MIL would pretend your DH has concerns. Just don’t discuss it with her and change the topic of conversation.

Incidentally- my children are grown up now, but I was an "Attachment Parent" back in the day, and my children automatically did "real" jobs beside me-learning very young to use proper tools and utensils. So I am perfectly happy for children to contribute to the household community from toddlerhood. I do have an issue with pressure for perfection, and over high expectations-particularly expectations of emotional maturity. I don't think a 4 year old should be expected to be mindful of, and grateful for, not having the challenges a disabled sibling might face.

Sorry- missed out a bit "Attachment Parent and a firm believer in The Continuum Concept"

While I think it’s great your child is learning about chores etc I can kind of see from your replies why your mil is broaching the subject. Your dh might secretly think it too or he may not but she is probably thinking you do need to have it said. That being said people parent differently and it’s difficult to wrap your head around different parenting styles- you’d find my house too chaotic I’d guess! And that’s fine, to each their own but I just see why she said it

The activiities don't sound excessive to me, but I think it's the way you presented them. Your thread title calls them "studies", rather than "activities", for example. Agree it's valuable for kids to be engaged with things like laundry and washing up, but most kids are, aren't they? Just watching and wanting to join in with what they see other people doing. Play is learning/work for kids at that age even without much input from us as parents. The thing that struck me was that you want the household tasks to be done "properly", which sounds like an unreasonable expoectation for a 4 year old.

Of course it's fine for kids to be bored, that's when their imagination is allowed to fill the space. Mixing up the different toys to create something new, for example. Being too tidy can be quite limiting, I think.

Glad you're taking on board the comments about the relationship between your children.

Good luck with the mil.

@brogueish think it could be a language translation issue as OP mentioned

I think your AIBU is about your MIL interfering. YANBU about the way she went about it but, from your responses on this thread, you sound unwilling to consider or listen to an opinion that differs from your own. Your MIL has no right to tell you what to do but I don’t see a problem with her discussing her opinion with you. The mature thing to do is to consider what she says, decide if there’s any merit in it and then continue to do what you think is best. You don’t need to argue but you could just say that your daughter enjoys helping and is learning from it. There’s something about your criticism of people who do things differently from you that sounds a bit inflexible. Live your own life as you wish but live and let live a bit more.

I'm sure you're right. But the language being used could also be affecting how the mil understands the situation, so it's worth mentioning for the OP.

Abuse comes in many forms OP. Your child will not thank you for this whent hey are older?

Also, another classic "AIBU?". "Yes". "Wrong. I'm Mrs perfect you are all horrible trolls".

I'm in the middle on this one - I'm also not British, so I see no problem with the things your daughter does. I probably did as much in the way of chores and extra curricular activities from that age, so YANBU about that.

I do think YABU with your attitude towards your son and your MIL. Using your son as some kind of life lesson for your daughter is unfair on both of them, he's a person with a disability, not something to use as an example of what your daughter should be grateful for. You've said you'll take that on board and I really hope you will, it will only cause resentment and problems in the future.

And I think your attitude to your MIL stinks. You pronounce judgement that she lacks personal discipline, and anything good about your husband was down to his father - that's highly unlikely, as most kids are largely, or even solely, raised by their mothers, even in this country; and she's bound to be aware of your attitude, which I think is probably part what's causing the conflict. You think she didn't do as good a job as a mother as you are currently doing, with your total experience of one child over 4 years.

But all the evidence says otherwise, she raised your husband, so she obviously did at least as good a job, and for longer because he's older. I think this isn't so much about a clash of cultures, I think it's a young person feeling like they've got it all in the bag because they have one child who hasn't even hit school age yet, so no matter what wisdom borne of lengthy experience someone older may have, they just won't be told!

Sorry, not one child, forgot about the son - oh the irony! 🤣

I'm waiting on the sequel post in a few years. The one where OP moans MIL won't mind her child. Or will it be the one where MIL does agree to mind the child but dared to feed her chicken nuggets like us inferior people.

I'm waiting on the sequel post where DH has left has a new wife who let's kids be kids and cannot understand why DD is so attached to step mum