MIL 'speaking out' on H's behalf regarding DD's studies

[shecanshewillmil]

DD is 4 and starting school in September

I do basic learning with her but in addition to this, she is learning to play piano, she swims twice a week and does gymnastics. I enjoy talking to my daughter, and naturally we have conversations about interesting, education topics, worded appropriately for her age groups

Disciple is important from an earlier age. It simply makes your life easier. In the end. I do not hit my children, I mean self discipline. DD has to put her washing in her basket and knows how to separate white washes, strictly. She is good at this. Puts her shoes away properly. Knows not to take more stuff out without putting the other stuff out

Puts her bed together in the morning (with my help, I want it done properly).

MIL pulled me aside at the weekend to say H was worried about my attitude towards learning. She said he is concerned DD is doing too much. I said did H really say this? She said well, no, but I know he feels that way. H says to ignore her

I said no, she's happy and balanced. There isn't even a mention of her disliking anything yet. She enjoys her activities

DD had a disabled brother and knows she is fortunate not to have these barriers, and should appreciate life to the full

AIBU to say it is not her place? She lacks personal discipline and it shows. Sadly, we must all do it to succeed

Perhaps this is a cultural thing. H is white British. I am not so. But I have to say, I am from a working class background and by no means 'middle class'. But opportunities and exposure through fun is important to me, parenting wise! It builds children up for success and happiness. These things set the foundations for a happy, comfortable life.

You're clearly an Asian tiger mother type. If that's fine by you, then go ahead.

But why bother asking for opinions, if you're so happy with your choices?

It's not for your MIL to interfere between you and your DH. There is something a bit sad about a four year old having to put something away before they can get another toy/activity out. Having a jumble of stuff out can lead to a whole new imaginative train of thought. I agree with PP that you may have to revise your expectations when your DD starts school.

Actually, at base, this is a "I can't stand my MIL" thread.

Depends what it is. If it's just basic toys, of course she can get whatever out! But she knows to put away play doh before starting to play with dolls, or put her lego set away before getting out kinetic sand etc

If it's any consolation I can't remember the last time I made my bed and I wear odd socks.

For the love of god unclench!

My kids have probably never made a bed and are still respectful, resourceful, intelligent and articulate individuals who have respect for their education and teachers. DS is quite capable of doing his laundry at uni and I've never shown him how to do it. He somehow managed to learn that skill himself. And he is tidy and clean. Two seperate duvet sets. One goes in the wash and one goes on the bed.

I think you are a bit over the top OP. Your daughter is doing all these things just now. Wait until she is older and becomes resentful. You might well be making a rod for your own back. I would cut your DD some slack.

Actually it’s best to let the bed air for at least the morning,any hygienist will tell you this..

I agree with @speluncean that bit jumped out at me too.

You need to relax.
There is a middle ground that you need to achieve.

It’s lovely that she does swimming and the piano and it’s great she tidied away the toys she’s got out.

But she’s 4.
She does not need to do chores or be grateful for not being disabled.

Her life should revolve around playing, having fun and being care free.
She’s got her entire life to worry about chores and her health etc. let her be a hold whilst she still can be.

Theres no way I would have let my 4 y/o do chores as she was too busy playing and enjoying her childhood.

It takes two minutes to straighten a duvet, and exactly the same amount of time to put your dirty clothes in the laundry basket as it does to drip them in the floor.

Honestly, OP may be a controlling pushy Tiger Mother, or she might be completely normal and have slovenly in-laws, but whether or not she asks her four year old to put dirty clothes in the laundry is neither here nor there.

You've referred to your 'own country' a couple of times now OP.

Which country is it?

You sound like someone who is bilingual because you write quite formally. I don’t think that means you aren’t warm and caring it’s not something you can convey in a post. Just to clarify at 4 piano would likely be half an hour once a week and max 10 mins practice a day. Swimming lesson half an hour a week and the other swim is a fun unstructured one and then gymnastics which would be max an hour? So 2 hours of ‘lessons’ with structure a week and a fun swim with family? Is she nearly 5 or just 4. It doesn’t seem terrible and you are aware that she will be tired in reception and what suits her.

Bloody hell the poor child , separating the laundry , making her bed bless her you sound a bit crazy tbh

Sounds a lot for a 4 year old. What happens if she doesn't want to do it? She can't possibly be up for doing all that all the time. I think you sound like a task master.

OP you’ll probably get a hard time on here as white English people (majority on MN) are very into gentle parenting these days.

I was raised like your daughter and am so grateful for the discipline my parents instilled in me - I’m now a happy, successful, confident adult and will be raising my kids the same, to the extent of their own interests and capabilities. You sound like a great, involved mother and as long as you also allow her enough downtime (I’m sure you do), she’ll have a great future ahead of her.

If you had a son would you also make him do all of this?

I know a child at the moment who thrives on being busy for their mental wellbeing and for good behaviour. Some children need to be fairly worn out to sleep well. Others need much more down time. They all need creative playtime including on their own but some need more than other. IMHO you shold be guided by the child's needs OP. Not whether MIL isn't disciplined or you are.

Do you think it’s ok for a 4 year old to be told they’re lucky to not be disabled like their brother so need to make the most of it?

Do you honestly think that’s acceptable

Honestly joking aside it's not the making the bed and the laundry in the basket that concerns me.

It's the "be grateful you aren't disabled like your brother".

YANBU - I’m Montessori trained and the self discipline emphasised here is just helping children learn how to help themselves with the little activities of everyday living that foster independence and participating in family life - helping to sort laundry and make a bed is hardly sending her up a chimney is it!

Children learn through play and making these routine jobs part of their day helps them to feel productive, use their fine & gross motor skills - and their work is play (unless of course free play is otherwise restricted )

Exactly what I was going to say. This poor girl will burn out by 10. (But probably won't be allowed to)

Theres no way I would have let my 4 y/o do chores as she was too busy playing and enjoying her childhood.

Why can't she do both? Both 'chores' I've mentioned, even if done together, would take under 2 minutes of time

I never use the word 'chores'. I don't like it. It's too harsh sounding. I always tell DD these things are things for herself to enjoy later, so when she was a bit younger I'd say 'we need to make the bed now. So you can enjoy a nice bed later, after your bath'

Also. Not just for her but that sends a really problematic message to and about your son.

Yes this is exactly it. No restrictions on play and we actually play 'washing up' together so I load the dishwasher and DD often pass me some stuff, and pretends she works in a cafe and I am her work mate