MIL 'speaking out' on H's behalf regarding DD's studies

[shecanshewillmil]

DD is 4 and starting school in September

I do basic learning with her but in addition to this, she is learning to play piano, she swims twice a week and does gymnastics. I enjoy talking to my daughter, and naturally we have conversations about interesting, education topics, worded appropriately for her age groups

Disciple is important from an earlier age. It simply makes your life easier. In the end. I do not hit my children, I mean self discipline. DD has to put her washing in her basket and knows how to separate white washes, strictly. She is good at this. Puts her shoes away properly. Knows not to take more stuff out without putting the other stuff out

Puts her bed together in the morning (with my help, I want it done properly).

MIL pulled me aside at the weekend to say H was worried about my attitude towards learning. She said he is concerned DD is doing too much. I said did H really say this? She said well, no, but I know he feels that way. H says to ignore her

I said no, she's happy and balanced. There isn't even a mention of her disliking anything yet. She enjoys her activities

DD had a disabled brother and knows she is fortunate not to have these barriers, and should appreciate life to the full

AIBU to say it is not her place? She lacks personal discipline and it shows. Sadly, we must all do it to succeed

Perhaps this is a cultural thing. H is white British. I am not so. But I have to say, I am from a working class background and by no means 'middle class'. But opportunities and exposure through fun is important to me, parenting wise! It builds children up for success and happiness. These things set the foundations for a happy, comfortable life.

I have a disabled child. She does not want other people, particularly her sibling, to be grateful that they have more advantages than she does.

Thank you, I agree

Not every single thing most be 'fun' big actually, it seems it is to DD! Little children like helping and being trusted with 'adult tasks' like washing putting away, helping to choose something at the shops. It's all learning through play and real life

No harm to you but I'm sensing a rigidness in your posts. And the whole be grateful for not being disabled because you have a disabled brother and aren't you luckier than him will breed resentment.

Some people do multiple stuff all the time

And? It's fun, being outdoors. DS4, DH and I all love theme parks, mini golf, picnics, National Trusts, the beach. He's got the rest of his life to pair socks.

Jumped out for me too. Be careful op your dd doesn't relish learning because it is the only way to get 1-1 time. Have equal 1-1 time for just the sake of frivilous undisciplined fun too.

And. I had a tidy 4 year old who was a pleasure and helped out and picked up washing and put away toys

Teen years were not the same

DD had a disabled brother and knows she is fortunate not to have these barriers, and should appreciate life to the full

This is the bit that has stood out for me, Op. Not sure of the circumstances but this seems something that no 4 year old should be thinking about.

Ah can see other posters have commented similarly.

You and she sound wonderful! Ignore your MiL.

I'm so glad others have picked up on the be grateful you're not disabled too

It's hard for me to articulate what's wrong with it, but no 4 year old should be told this in relation to their brother. It's a recipe for problems.

It's all the dds on this thread doing the sock pairing and bed making

I mean tbh I don't make my bed every day anyway. I'm up and out!

I thought this was a reverse at first.

You sound very intense OP.

You really should remove the stick from up your arse, honestly - or at least don’t inflict your need for perfection on your little 4yo.

yes she should know she is fortunate. Anyone should who is not disabled - at least know they have that advantage

She doesn’t need to know this at 4.
She doesn’t need to perform tasks to adult standards. To be pressured to ‘succeed’.
She is being robbed of her childhood.

But your scheduling so many activities is mo different from parents taking their children out surely?

except taking them out and doing things is more about spending quality time together rather than sitting watching them at a class. Classes are going to be more structured too so reduced the time for the exportation of the world

you seem to have a very narrow view of how things should be and trying to force her into a box she might not fit into

I think your MIL is in the right here

AllIwantforChristmas22
4 is too young to start proper piano lessons, her fingers are not developed properly. Ask any real music professional.

Oh I dunno about that. DH started piano lessons at 4 and he's a real music professional! Honest😀
It does need to be a child with some musical leanings and motivation though. Suzuki piano is great for early starters now.

This. I feel so sad for your daughter.

"I want it done properly"

This is the bit that jumped out at me. I think your MIL might have a point.

You sound great and you will raise lovely children.
I have had very similar expectations of my own along with plenty of ECs and also have lovely children. Obviously things flex and change over time but LOLing that it’s too much for a 4
year old to go swimming, play piano AND make her own bed!!!!!!

She doesn't perform tasks to adult standards. I have repeatedly said she is helped. She is not pressurised to do any activity. These are things she enjoys and wants to continue with - if she didn't, she is free to find something else she likes

Basic self help tasks and self discipline isn't robbing anyone of a childhood

This country has a huge issue with schooling and disrespect toward teachers, parents over indulging and defending their children despite all evidence against them. It's ridiculous. A bit of strictness is necessary and it is just a way of life. My tone towards my daughter is warm and loving but she knows to be respectful. This expectation won't drop as she gets older

Whereas my own country, teachers have too much power and the schooling is rife for upset. Too much educational pressure and self worth placed on just results

I am balanced and fair - opting for the basics to be disciplined to lay a foundation, but otherwise very flexible and happy to do what DD is happy with

But having read over the thread it seems the “I’m so sad for your baby girl” mob have arrived so that’s probably it now in terms of usefulness of the thread for you and other parents.

I have a friend who’s Chinese and from an English point of view many would think her kids do too much extracurricular activities. They learn cello/violin every week, tennis lessons every week, swimming lessons every week, they are expected to help with housework, a lot of attention is paid to school homework they are secondary school age).

But they are very happy, well adjusted, polite kids. I have never once heard them complain.

If it works for your Dd then that’s great and your dh needs to tell his mum to butt out.

Yes, me too. I’m feeling quite sorry for this little girl.

Sounds like a lot for a 4 year old tbh.
You are a bit like my DH and his family and its definitely a cultural thing there too. He put the kids in all kinds of classes (instruments he had to learn as a child, language courses for his mother tongue and other activities). They have quit everything he pushed on them now, because its simply too much and they dont enjoy it. They do enjoy some activities that they picked themselves. DH says those have no purpose and wont get them an advantage in life. I say the purpose is for them to have fun and enjoy it 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think people are reacting to OP’s formal writing style her DD

puts her stuff in her washing basket
puts her shoes away
makes her bed
tidies an activity before starting another one

activities
gymnastics
swimming
piano

This isn’t workhouse conditions, as I said DD is similar. We also do play doh, magic sand, painting, act out stories from books (read a lot) play snap, wicked witches (one of us is the wicked witch) etc etc etc. on weekends we are out for most of it, we go to softplay, movies, museums, theatre.

This sounds perfectly fine to me, maybe it is cultural, I’m not white either and to me this sounds like responsible parenting and very much the ethos of Dd’s excellent nursery. I’m not planning out my DD’s life but I do think it’s my job as a parent to give her the opportunities which are within my reach. I expect DD will tell me at some point she doesn’t want to do xy or z anymore and that will be fine.

Expecting a 4 yr old to make their bed and put their laundry away is really not terrible.