MIL 'speaking out' on H's behalf regarding DD's studies

[shecanshewillmil]

DD is 4 and starting school in September

I do basic learning with her but in addition to this, she is learning to play piano, she swims twice a week and does gymnastics. I enjoy talking to my daughter, and naturally we have conversations about interesting, education topics, worded appropriately for her age groups

Disciple is important from an earlier age. It simply makes your life easier. In the end. I do not hit my children, I mean self discipline. DD has to put her washing in her basket and knows how to separate white washes, strictly. She is good at this. Puts her shoes away properly. Knows not to take more stuff out without putting the other stuff out

Puts her bed together in the morning (with my help, I want it done properly).

MIL pulled me aside at the weekend to say H was worried about my attitude towards learning. She said he is concerned DD is doing too much. I said did H really say this? She said well, no, but I know he feels that way. H says to ignore her

I said no, she's happy and balanced. There isn't even a mention of her disliking anything yet. She enjoys her activities

DD had a disabled brother and knows she is fortunate not to have these barriers, and should appreciate life to the full

AIBU to say it is not her place? She lacks personal discipline and it shows. Sadly, we must all do it to succeed

Perhaps this is a cultural thing. H is white British. I am not so. But I have to say, I am from a working class background and by no means 'middle class'. But opportunities and exposure through fun is important to me, parenting wise! It builds children up for success and happiness. These things set the foundations for a happy, comfortable life.

I don’t disagree with you OP - and what on earth is wrong with starting an activity, like the piano, at 4?!

I think your MIL was out of line bringing it up - and especially putting it on your DH.

There’s something slightly … ‘off’ in your original post that I can’t quite put my finger on, though. It’s maybe just the way you’ve written it - your post seems to lack a little something (I’m leaning toward things like ‘warmth’ and ‘humour’) - but again, it could just be because you’ve written in a very matter-of-fact style.

As long as you remember to keep a bit of perspective at all times, I think you’re on the right track.

Reading between the lines it sounds as though your husband agrees with his mum, but doesn't have the balls to say so.

Once she starts school it might be an idea for her to do less anyway, as she'll be knackered.

My DD (3) does 3 hours of swimming and 2hours of gymnastics a week (she’s very energetic and she seems happy with this, if she ever said she doesn’t want to then we would drop stuff) We also do 5 minutes of reading practice and she does writing practice (5 minutes) with her dad. She is expected to put her clothes in the laundry basket but isn’t so good at putting her things away before starting something else unless prompted.

Personally I think it sounds like you are doing a great job, she’s being taught independence at an early age. I don’t really see what the problem is tbh. She’s doing things for herself, putting away her clothes and shoes, keeping her bed tidy etc. DD is in a quasi Montessori, theres a big emphasis on independence and taking care of yourself and the things around you. As long as you are listening to her and she’s happy and doesn’t feel burned out then it seems fine to me.

Fair enough then. I think you might be getting a hard time because your posts are reading as though your daughter has all of her time dictated to her by you and as that’s not the case, you’ll have to pass on tips about how you get her to make the bed properly because I still can’t get my husband to do it!

Yes, lots of people I know seem to mention extreme fatigue when starting school. Which is fine - her activities can be adjusted accordingly and she can choose

I've already said this but everything she does, she enjoys. I wouldn't make her play a piano for example if she hated it! But I think it's great to do if it's something you like/don't mind getting on with

My DH started at that age. DS would have started then but ASD diagnosis complicated things. If you want to be good, that’s when you start. Elite classical music is a tough gig.

Perhaps your MiL is concerned about her granddaughter. She has a right to say so and you have a right to be indignant. However, she has had more experience bringing up children than you have so far, and it may not be such a bad idea to wonder if she might have a point.

Children don't always turn out the way you would like, even when you've organised and planned every last moment of their lives! Sometimes even because you have.

Hmm. A family member has a disabled child and the other child was 'pushed' in a similar manner to what you describe. She ended up quite ill herself from having to live up to their expectations.

Idk man, you're asking for people's opinions on the matter and when people are giving opinions (supporting your MIL) you're disagreeing with everything.

Sounds a pretty intense way to raise a 4 year old if you ask me

Thank you. Your DD sounds like a lovely, well balanced child

I think there's a lot of cultural clash sometimes in the UK. Where I'm from, children do not finish school until 7pm. That is an extreme and it's too much. Also too rigid educational wise and style. Not enough time to relax and do nothing for the sake of nothing! But the self discipline/independence taught from an early age is good. Lots of over indulging in children's wants - I don't mean that how people will jump on to say I do - but I mean, it's like children can't possibly be allowed to be bored. What's wrong with getting on with what the adults are doing and enjoying that? Learning through everyday play and life? Instead of constant, never ending trips and stuff for DC

DC gets 1 activity outside of the home of her choice, generally. That's it. Some people do multiple stuff all the time and can't let their children possibly learn a bit of independence and know how to entertain themselves alone

It's a discussion. Can I only comment if I agree?

Love the way you're ignoring people who don't agree with you.

4 is too young to start proper piano lessons, her fingers are not developed properly. Ask any real music professional.

you sound way OTT and overinvested OP. She is a small child, not a project. Most of what you describe is not age appropriate and your put too much pressure on your child to perform and have emotional maturity beyond her years. Time to reflect on your upbringing and what you are projecting here.

Another poster just came along and said I am actively disagreeing with people who disagree with me. Which one is it?

Making a bed and putting washing in a basket takes seconds/minutes and is a great thing for young children to learn. Not every single thing they do has to be "fun".

My partner's almost 3 year old DD loves helping out with jobs like that, ok she often still throws her clothes on the floor but when she's asked to use the washing basket, she's more than happy to and takes pride in being helpful

😂😂😂 Brilliant!

Agree with this.

I think what your doing is great in theory but as this poster said, you seem very matter of fact and a bit regimented. Tone is hard to convey when writing so I hope I've misread and actually you've very loving and you wouldn't force her to do any activities if she said she didn't want to.

Perhaps if more people got their kids engaged in taking some responsibility, then we wouldn't have so many threads on lazy disrespectful teenagers (and DHs).

Key thing for me is husband says to ignore her! He should be having a conversation with his mother about how he is happy with the activities DD has to do.

I think you are doing really well! and your DD sounds adorable and very intelligent. nothing wrong with pushing children to succeed as long as they are not being stressed. makes a huge difference by building a solid foundation of learning and robust work ethic.

@shecanshewillmil of course, but you're not showing any reflection on the opposite point of view, you're just shooting it all down. That's not a discussion, it's one sided.

Maybe try and understand the angle of where your MIL might be coming from, as other posters are trying to point out.

It does sound like a lot of pressure. The activities are fine but it's the being grateful you're not disabled that's off. There runs a risk of her hiding any upset, distress or negativity as she doesn't want to disappoint you.

Saying that, I'm 40- maybe I'd separate my washing now if my mum made me do it at 4.

I think children should be allowed to be children. I don't think your doing anything wrong as such, it's just I wouldn't expect my children to be doing that much at 4, especially chores. It does sound like a lot of pressure and sometime at that age children act like they enjoy stuff if they can see that a parent wants then to do it. I think your DH probs does agree with his mum but doesn't want to cause an argument

…I tend to agree with your mother-in-law.