AIBU to not want the naughty child in my son's class

[Bingolocco]

My DS is about to start reception and is moving over with a group of children from his preschool. There were 26 in the class of these 13 boys are going into one class while my DS is going into another with only 4 other boys from the preschool
One of the boys is known amongst the parents as being particularly naughty, always in the thinking chair and my DS says he has "nasty hands" and on more than one occasion my DS has been upset from this boy being unkind/rough with him.
My DS would be one of the youngest and I am annoyed that this child has been placed in the same class as my son while a lot of his other friends have gone into the other class.
AIBU for being annoyed about this? It's too late to speak to the school as the children have had their settling in session but I just wish this boy was not in his class.

I very much doubt he has been the only child in the thinking chair! My DS is also in a preschool attached to the school and he doesn't have his best friend going in with him or anyone he really plays with. It's life. They're all in the same boat and they'll make new friends.

porogative 😳

What do teachers think of parents who complain about their poor spelling and grammar? I presume those parents also immediately go on the blacklist?

Agree so much with this. The children that don’t comply so easily at that age need more care and support, not to be ostracised.

nasty hands is a v weird phrase too.

Yes, that would be my tired brain from a newborn that doesn't sleep and some interesting autocorrects! 🤣 Luckily on maternity leave so don't need to be worry about the black list.... 🫣

How do you know this so called " naughty" child isn't on the spectrum ? ASD/ ADHD?
Every child has to be placed somewhere.

Honestly you can believe what you like. Maybe my advice to OP suggested I'm rude but you can insist on something without being an arsehole about it, which is what I did. Not sure why you find it hard to believe that the head was accommodating, perhaps she's a more reasonable person than most teachers, who knows.

It's not. We all know who the naughty kids are. Please don't kid yourself .

No we all know what parents may judge about a child without knowing all the facts about a 3/4-year-old, they may have additional needs that the school and parents are working very hard to manage. As a parent, you will not know the whole story and you have no idea what else is going on. Labeling a 3/4 year old this way with a reputation that then may follow them unfairly through school, says way more about the parents calling it than the child.

No we all know what parents may judge about a child without knowing all the facts about a 3/4-year-old, they may have additional needs that the school and parents are working very hard to manage. As a parent, you will not know the whole story and you have no idea what else is going on. Labeling a 3/4 year old this way with a reputation that then may follow them unfairly through school, says way more about the parents calling it than the child.
The label of knowing who the "naughty kids" are wouldn't be a label I'd use because we don't believe in labelling children as naughty.

But I do know which children's behaviour upsets my DC, and I know which children my DC say are unkind to others. I'd imagine we aren't alone as parents having children who share their feelings and experiences.

My DC are fairly astute and will also tell me which child needs to have special time with an adult and which children they don't like playing with because they're mean. I'd have loved to be inside their head and find out how they drew those lines, but it was their perceptions and feelings and they're entitled to them.

I'll never be in a parent WhatsApp bitching about children, but I think it's a bit naive for anyone to think parents aren't aware of school events and how their children feel about their peers' behaviour.

My DC are fairly astute and will also tell me which child needs to have special time with an adult and which children they don't like playing with because they're mean.

My DS isn't that astute tbh and it took him 5 minutes on his first day in reception to correctly identify which children were going to disrupt the class all year, engage 75% of the teacher's time, and upset the other children. These things are blindingly obvious whether we choose to admit we can see it, or pretend we are so tolerant and accepting that we are blind to it.

Yabu and unkindly judgmental. Tolerance and kindest is better taught than judgement and labeling of small children.

The class make ups that you are happy/ sad about when they start reception will change over the years as kids fall in and out of friendships, the kids you think are nice/ naughty will change - anything you were happy about )ie “great little Sam is with Alex”) will turn out to be a poisoned chalice when Alex discovers new friends a year or two in, or “oh no, Sam is stuck with Joe” will have you eating your words when Joe becomes his best mate in yr4

It really annoys me that a child 'is known among the parents'. It is so judgmental especially as such a young age.

DS was labelled as the naughty child in his class from reception by one of the mums. This then spread among the other mums. He was one of the kindest, most caring kids in the class (according to the teacher). DS struggled to sit still on carpet time and was always fidgeting.

The kids in the class listened to their parents who said not to play with DS as he was the naughty kid. He was left out, bullied etc. for years through primary school. In year one he was even blamed by most of the class for knocking over the paints despite the fact that he wasn't in school at the time - he was at the hospital for his ADHD diagnosis.

I was open with the other parents about his diagnosis thinking i would help people but the mum told her DS not to play with my DS because ADHD kids were rough and violent (DS has NEVER been either). At a mum's night out (& after a drink) she told me that the reason she thought DS was violent and rough was because in reception he had tapped her DS on the shoulder when they were playing tag & her DS was upset as he had been told not to play tag as it was dangerous.

She ruined my DS' primary school years because she didn't want her son playing tag.

Please think carefully before labelling a child and gossiping to other parents. Mud sticks even if it is unfounded.

It really annoys me that a child 'is known among the parents'. It is so judgmental especially as such a young age.

Why? It's unavoidable. Children talk to their parents about what goes on at school, including the behaviour of other kids. Parents can be aware of a badly behaved child without being judgmental.

It's so sad and just crappy on u and other parents that have labeled a kid "naughty" and he hasn't even started reception yet! It just means he was struggling and need support not, being labeled naughty kid and parents want their children as far away from them!

I actually say this as my 4 year old daughter has come home in last few months and spoke about a naughty child in her class. He has special needs as I know mum and explained to her he's not naughty he just struggles and just because he does certain things he isn't a naughty child. Children do pick up on it and it's important for parents to address it! My friends child struggles as labeled naughty by school and she has been rang once when something have gone missing as they have assumed it's taken them when they have found out next day it was actually another child and nothing to do with him.

My son was the naughty child he has complex special needs both health and learning it took far to long to sort out a suitable placement. Hes 16 now and has completely blossomed in the right environment. Several of the smug mums who give me absolute hell are now not so smug.

I wonder if people realise that the "naughty child" is usually the fault of the school and local LA?
It means that the correct provision and placement has not been provided
It's a mix in my experience, but I agree with your principle.

I think children can be quite perceptive too. Maybe my DC's place was good at handling situations but they had different opinions of some of their peers based on what they saw. I know from talking to one of the mums of a 'naughty' child that lots was put in place and privately I thought it was quite interesting that my DC were upset about the child's behaviour but never described the child as mean. Other children were described as mean by them.

I don't think a lot of parents have a clue how difficult it is to have plans and adjustments in place and funded from the start of school.

Totally! And you get to see the kids at parties. Everyone knows the kids who cause trouble. It's unavoidable.

You’re not being unreasonable for feeling a sense of dread in the pit of your stomach but you are being unreasonable if you think there’s anything you can or should be able to do about it - for now. The child may well grow out of it and there’ll be other horrors anyway, more likely than not. What you can do is complain if the teachers don’t discipline effectively and the child’s behaviour is affecting your son’s education as he absolutely has the right to learn without disruption and to feel safe. For a few months, though, you’ll have to give the teacher a chance and suck it up.

I think you should write to the school OP, before the end of term, and explain that this little boy is too "naughty" to be in the same class as your little angel.

Then the school will know that you are That Parent and with a bit of luck, that info will travel with him throughout his school career.

Be grateful he’s in a school with his friends! We didn’t get in our village school and had to reapply through the whole process but he’s made new friends - and his nursery friends haven’t stuck together anyway so makes little to no difference at this age.