AIBU to not want the naughty child in my son's class

[Bingolocco]

My DS is about to start reception and is moving over with a group of children from his preschool. There were 26 in the class of these 13 boys are going into one class while my DS is going into another with only 4 other boys from the preschool
One of the boys is known amongst the parents as being particularly naughty, always in the thinking chair and my DS says he has "nasty hands" and on more than one occasion my DS has been upset from this boy being unkind/rough with him.
My DS would be one of the youngest and I am annoyed that this child has been placed in the same class as my son while a lot of his other friends have gone into the other class.
AIBU for being annoyed about this? It's too late to speak to the school as the children have had their settling in session but I just wish this boy was not in his class.

It’s hard on classmates/peers who have to deal with it, but that’s what living in a society is, can’t all be candy floss and bouncy castles.

It’s not someone else’s child’s responsibility to weather the kicks, punches, spitting and threats for the good of society. It’s the school’s and social services’ job to stop it.

There’s meanness and unpleasantness; and then there’s violence and bullying.

All of this depends on the facts - what exactly is a child doing? - and “free with his hands” could mean a great many things. But kids coming home in tears and refusing to go to school because they don’t want to be punched or pushed around aggressively or threatened with violence ought to be listened to and action taken about the unacceptable behaviour.

Well that's exactly what happened when my son was put in a class with none of his friends. I emailed the headteacher he was moved. I'm speaking from my own experience.

With some people it seems you can try to communicate as much as possible, and yet some bad apples still exist.

Oooooh. Not the blacklist! My son had a teacher who knew nothing about him, only taught him face to face for a couple of months (covid) and when she arranged the classes she separated him from his friendship group into a different class. I took it to the headteacher and had him moved. If that makes me 'entitled' then quite frankly I don't give a fuck. My child is my priority, not you.

"With some people it seems you can try to communicate as much as possible, and yet some bad apples still exist"

The kid is 4. Give him a chance!

For context I was generalising with people in society, not specifically to this particular case.

Well that's exactly what happened when my son was put in a class with none of his friends. I emailed the headteacher he was moved. I'm speaking from my own experience.

Lol. Good luck in high school! 😂

There's one or two in every class ime and they take up a lot of the teacher's energy.

What irritates me most is a policy of putting a well behaved child next to the naughty one to reduce the impact of the bad behaviour. I was the well behaved one at school on more than one occasion.

Honestly there will be other issues that will irritate you more as your dc progresses through school. There's also frankly nothing you can do about it.

There was a v naughty boy and a similar girl in ds' class. The naughty boy left and literally before his seat was cold another naughty boy joined the school.... my ds misses the original one x

Even newspapers use the term of bad apples for people's behaviours,
I first read about the term from the book
Philip Zimbardo
The Lucifer Effect: How Good People Turn Evil

Same school as me, OP?

Before admin gave up and shut it down, we had a useful "Parents of Smith Primary" FB group.

Some nutty mothers used it to stir up a fucking witch hunt over a boy in nursery. They were working themselves up to all go to the teacher together, told another mother that the (unknown to her) child that had apparently pushed the child over would definitely be this boy, saying the mother needed investigating and were planning to set up a WhatsApp group so they could discuss this 3/4 year old some more.

My kid's in the same nursery class, and I'm honestly more worried about him having classmates with those mothers than I am him having the lad in question as a classmate!

My kids are in high school, this was a few years ago but thanks for the tip.

Seriously though OP, I think you might find that a change of teacher/teaching style can change children's behaviour and the class dynamic as a whole. So it's worth giving it a chance. This lad is 4, you can't write him off yet.

Consider also, that reports on behaviour from children of this age aren't going to be nuanced, and sometimes not entirely factual. In Reception, DS1 described him and J playing and J bumping into him making him fall over (witnessed by staff) as "J pushed me over on purpose".

Also, I don't think it does any harm for kids' classes to get a shake up even if it does break up friendship groups. DS's old school used to muddle them up every year, he only got to be in the same class as his BFF in Year 2, before that they met up at break.

Oh FFS! Some ridiculous comments on here! Some of you are deluded if you seriously think teachers won’t be using similar terms to describe kids. Just as some parents are labelled ‘difficult parents’ It’s life, just as every organisation will have its ‘troublemaker’, ‘lazy’ employees etc. I do think it’s a good lesson for kids to learn that not everyone in life is ‘nice’ though so I wouldn’t say anything. There will definitely be more than one ‘naughty’ kid in the class though!

In those circumstances things might be a little different for lots of reasons. However, I'm
still suprised that your head even entertained the thought, given how rude you must of sounded (based on your advice to OP). Ultimately, it's a schools porogative to organises the classes and a demanding parent can't do anything about it. I know of many parents that complained about where there child was placed during covid and non were moved, rightly so. 🤷🏻‍♀️ In those circumstances it was even more entitled given that children we're lucky to be in school at all, so you'd have thought schools were met with a little more gratitude.

You are entitled, clearly so, there's no 'if' about it. Your child may be your priority but you're deluded if you think that they're the teacher's too. They have 30 kids to consider and prioritise - your child isn't any more important than those other 29, I'm afraid.

YANBU to be annoyed, but you can't avoid all the naughty and disruptive kids in the world - every class has bad eggs in them.

Oh come off it, all these judgy posters. No one LIKES their DC being in that same class as disruptive children. Yes, we know we have to accept it, yes, the child is only 4, but bloody hell, I didn't then and don't now, over a decade later, WANT my DC to be in the same classroom as disruptive children.

OP, do try to keep an open mind. Children can change, some will improve, others get worse, at this stage it's not set in stone. But also make it clear to your DS (if this or any other child hurts him, not preemptively though) that if he doesn't want to then play with that child at break time that is his choice, and you support that.

Do you mean to tell me that you have never come across a entitled colleague or customer (assuming you work within a team or deal with customers)? If you have, there will be times that you've discussed their outrageous/rude/problematic behaviour or requests with fellow colleagues, right? If not, lucky you because you're probably the only one (and in that case are probably the awkward one).

Well, it's the same in schools. When we encounter such awkward/rude/entitled parents we do share it because it is unlikely that this was a singular or isolated occasion. In such cases, other staff need to be aware of saud parent and what to do if they also have an unpleasant encounter with them. Unfortunately, teachers are subject to demanding and threatening behaviour while working and making the other staff aware of these individuals is a must. So it's not 'lovely' for us either (of course you aren't considering it from that perspective, are you?).

It’s reasonable to be disappointed that your child will be with another child who has upset him in the past. Yanbu.

I wasn't rude at all. I sent a factual email stating that it was an unfair decision and the head called me, we had a nice chat and she moved my son, no drama. You make a lot of assumptions. I am not 'that parent', I've contacted school twice in 6 years (once was because my son told me a classmate was talking about killing himself after a family bereavement and I was worried about the little boy and wanted the school to keep an eye on him). I've helped on numerous school trips, my kids are well behaved. In short I'm a decent person but unfortunately decent people often get walked all over so on this occasion I felt the need to speak up on behalf of my 8 year old child. But again if that means I'm entitled then so be it.

YABU to talk to the school about it. They are 4 for gods sake. Better hope your kid never becomes the talk of of the playground gossip.

Well 'telling and not asking' a teacher to move your child is actually very rude. As I said before, based on that advice that you gave to OP, it's hard to believe there were any pleasantries exchanged in your own conversations. If you did in fact resepectfully request a move after a conversation with the head, then I'm not sure where your original advice would come from?! Surely you understand that's no way to speak to school staff and is just disrespectful.

RE assumptions: you made the assumption that acting this way and throwing your dummy out the pram is the only way to get the child moved, as per advice to OP. Again, anyone giving this advice demonstrates little respect for the school staff and the tremendous work they do and shows little awareness of the effort and thought that goes into organising school groups. Attending all the school events you want, doesn't instantly make you a supportive parent, which given your previous posts, I don't believe you are. 🤷🏻‍♀️

This makes me sad. There was a little girl who started my DD’s school a few years ago. Probably around y3. She was labelled the naughty child but honestly she was the most lovely child you could meet. She had difficulties and was awaiting a specialist school place. She befriended my daughter as she moved onto our street. They were a family that had obviously been through some difficulties - all children different Dad’s, moved around a lot. The little girl had spent most of her life in hospital with medical complications and hadn’t learned how to socialise. She was quite violent but it appeared to be towards those who knew which buttons to press to get her to react. She spent a lot of time out of the classroom as the school didn’t know how to manage her, isolating her more from learning how to socialise. When she came over to play in my house she was just so lovely but I’m not massively judgemental. My daughter has had more issues with the ‘nice’ kids who were all in top set, all behaved appropriately from the outside looking in etc but who were the actual mean girls. When we tried raising the issues with the teacher she struggled to deal with it as she was scared of their well to do parents who’s little darlings would never do anything naughty. But she could never catch these girls being mean. She agreed they needed dealing with but it never happened. So teach your child OP how to respect all children, how not to push the buttons of the labelled naughty kid, teach them to include that child on their play and model positive behaviour around them.

Ah poor kid he's only little, bad bloody apple. Best just send him to isolation now rather than subject the other cherubs to him.