am I out of order? Do I expect too much?

[mum22mu]

I am on maternity leave with my DD 6 months. I have anxiety in general and as my DH works long hours I am alone with her the majority of the time. I have taken steps to address this anxiety and I have therapy which helps. My parents are aware of it. I wouldn’t say it’s out of control, it’s more ruminating and intrusive thoughts and I was doing ok with it. The reason for the therapy was more to ensure I didn’t get worse rather than it being a massive problem.

However, when I see my parents I often panic with them around DD as they will walk off with her if we are in a supermarket for example or just generally out somewhere. I’ve asked them not to do this and they then agree and say they won’t, then other times they get quite nasty, saying they’re sick of being told what to do and I’m ridiculous etc etc. I get worried about DD being in their garden as they use chemicals on the lawn, I recently said I would rather we went for a walk than sat outside as I didn’t want to risk DD coming into contact with the lawn, to which my dad said to my mum ‘I should have lied and said nothing was on the lawn.’ Obviously this sort of thing really panics me as then I feel I can’t trust them and it becomes a vicious circle. I am an anxious person generally and I do my best to work on this but where DD is concerned I often can’t control it and have to ask them if they will do x or y or not do x or y (I don’t ever leave her with them alone so it’s only if we are meeting). If I don’t feel they are taking it seriously I will ask again as I feel panicked. AIBU to ask for a bit more understanding from them rather than then losing their cool? I’m honestly doing my best and I feel I would reassure someone in my position but maybe the reality is different?

It's not hard to see how you've ended up an adult with anxiety with parents like those.

I was also an anxious FTM and when my parents complained I spent more quality time with my ILs than them (we stayed at my ILs house when visiting and in a hotel when in my parents' country for eg.) I simply pointed out very simply that it would be because my ILs were respectful of me as an anxious new mum and that peiple spend more time with one's who support them. I'm a very matter of fact type person so to me it was black and white. My parents did change a lot after this because their tactic of being fed up with it didn't work so I just very obviously stopped seeing them.

Things got sooooo much better and they regularly have my kids alone now because I know I can trust them. There are very very few things I am strict about with regards to my kids but my parents know if they ever crossed the line I'd cut them off from having them alone. DH and I are the parents and this was respected by both sides after we laid down the law in the early days.

It doesn't really matter what it is you are asking of them, and in fact nothing that you've said is particularly unreasonable. They shouldn't respond with ridicule and anger at these requests, if they know you have anxiety they should be able to bear that in mind when talking to you.

I don't think that talking to them again about this is necessarily worth your time. If they are likely to ridicule you and argue then you're not going to get anywhere. I would just be very firm about the terms of your interactions with them. Baby won't be going on their lawn due to the nature of the chemicals they regularly put on it. If they walk off with baby when you're together then you will take baby back and go home. No need to show any upset, just say we've talked about this and how I've asked you not to so we're heading home now.

Then stick to that each time you see them.

Thanks @Natty13 @RoseslnTheHospital

I have left once before when my mum disappeared from sight when I was queuing to pay. I came out of the queue and couldn’t see her anywhere and she’d gone to a different section of the shop but not too far, I just couldn’t see her. I went mad and she said I was over the top, she didn’t want to spend time with me like this, said nobody else would be able to put up with this and why should she etc etc. I then felt awful all the way home as she was obviously put out that I had flown off the handle. I had literally said prior to going in the queue that if she wanted to look round then please leave DD with me as I will panic if she goes out of sight. It’s so exhausting and I feel like the worst person as I’m being controlling and over the top, apparently

Even if you are actually being controlling and over the top, your mums reaction is unkind and unhelpful.

If she complains when you stick to your boundaries just say "I'm sorry you feel the way" and then continue on with heading home.

They use your guilt over rocking the boat to control you...

Being a new mum is hard enough without them piling on the guilt because of your anxiety as if that's something you choose?

Try saying things like "I'm sorry for getting upset with you in the shop however I specifically asked you not to wander off with DD. If you don't want to spend time with us because you don't want to have to "put up with me" then I understand". I also found it helpful to point out to my parents that nobody else in my life found me "difficult" I have a wide circle of friends and am well liked at work and in my sports clubs. When I had my DD something snapped inside me and made it much easier to push backst their narrative that I'm "difficult". Children shouldn't be made to feel like that just because they are reacting to unreasonable adult behaviours. It took years for my self esteem to recover from my upbringing so I used to look at my precious baby and wonder how on earth they could have let that happen. I'm determined to be strong for my DC so they grow up strong and confident themselves.

@Natty13 wow your post really resonates with me! I have done the things you mentioned, I’ve said I’m sorry I got upset but it makes me panic when you walk off and I’ve asked you not to… sometimes my mum apologies and says let’s ‘forget it now,’ and I have to sort of move on from it feeling terrible I snapped and she has been hugely forgiving for my outburst. I have such awful memories of these moments especially when the baby was very very tiny. I think it’s the fact that the thing I’ve asked is disrespected and ignored? I feel totally insignificant and it’s scary to feel that way when you’re responsible for a baby, you do need your voice heard where your child is concerned, don’t you? I feel so awful when I leave them and I’ve been upset, I apologise and try and talk about it, hopeful things will be better next time but it’s just all dismissed and seemingly forgotten as it happens all over again!

That said, I do have a rule I don’t like DD to be kissed yet as I worry and they tell me that is negatively affecting her and it’s a natural instinct to kiss her head and that shoudnt cause any problem. I feel I would remember not to kiss DD if I was asked not to but perhaps I am unreasonable there, I don’t know. In the end I often leave their presence feeling totally emotionally drained. It’s such a shame as I do actually believe they adore DD but they seem to have zero respect for me.

Are you getting ongoing/regular help for your anxiety OP or is it here and there?
Baby is 6 months and quite a lot of women go back to work around this age. So I'm worried if you need that transition soon have they gave you any advice/steps to start this transition?

I can't really answer for your parents as I don't know how you are speaking or reacting to them.

Honestly I don’t think your anxiety is under control…. all examples you have gave are extreme.

You went mad at your mum for looking around a store because she went out of your sight?! Bat shit!!!

Cant sit on the lawn? Not allowed to kiss their lien GC… it’s not normal behaviour.

You need to do more to address it if this is the way you are reacting now, how will you be when your child grows and starts being independent themselves?

It is not nice what was said but maybe they are tired of walking on eggshells all the time?

Your parents really haven't understood the realality of having anxiety
You are trying to manage it and they are stamping all over it
It's a horrible thing to have
I get it

Honestly I don’t think your anxiety is under control…. all examples you have gave are extreme.

As someone who has suffered extreme anxiety, I agree. Your anxiety sounds severe and far from being under control. Sincere sympathies because I know how awful it can be and it'd be even harder with a baby but I do think you need to acknowledge how extreme it currently is.

My sister is like you and tbh I can only be around her for short periods without feeling completely drained. She thinks hers is mild too and perhaps it is but her reactions are to someone like myself extreme. I do try to understand so would absolutely follow her requests when it comes to her son as I appreciate it's her baby and I know she would do the same with mine. This is where your parents are being unreasonable she's your child and they should be avoiding things that cause your anxiety to heighten. A bit of understanding goes a long way. If you love someone, then you try as I do with my sister. That being said I do call my sister out on her more extreme reactions, she realises it isn't 'normal' and due to her anxieties and tries to address it. You said you ate having therapy but what about medical treatment? Have ypu discussed that with your therapist or GP?

The OPs behaviour is driven by anxiety. Her parents aren't helping her to deal with it.

They are choosing to behave in a way that suits them, not in a way that will help, their behaviour makes the OPs anxiety worse. They may simply be unaware that they could change their behaviour, or they may know this but can't be bothered.

Either way OP, if you can't change their behaviour you can change the way you meet with them and how you respond to them.

You do need support, not just from a professional but also from family and friends being understanding and modifying their behaviour to accommodate.

Doesn't matter if your requests are over the top because of your anxiety. Your parents are trampling all over your boundaries because they think your way is wrong and their way is right. This is making your anxiety worse. You need to go low or no contact with them because they cannot be trusted with your child. They can't be trusted with you either if they care so little for your mental health. Do your little family a favour and back away. You can tell them why but don't get into an argument about it. Grey rock them.
"We can't be around you because you don't respect my parenting." Repeat as required. Then leave/ hang up.

The trouble is that though her parents could be more understanding is that feeding the anxiety by going along with various rituals and avoiding certain things often makes it worse. The more you feed it, the bigger it gets.

The thing that struck me is that you say when it comes to your DD you can’t control it.

but you have to, because it is clear that your parents are part of your anxiety by not listening to you but you cannot control your dD and what she does.

she is going to go off and do many things ad it is a massive problem

I agree that you were over the top to be honest. Surely you trust your mother? Other wise she wouldn't have your daughter? So why can't she look around the shop while you line up to pay? You either trust your mum to push your daughter in a pan around a shop or you just don't trust her. Either is fine but pick a large and stick to it.

You sound very controlling and anxious and you are going to pass these issues on to your child. As for the lawn having chemicals on it, when you go for a walk, the council have used weed killer on the paths, there is exhaust fumes from cars, allergens in the air and dangers all over the place. You really need to get a grip on this or your child's life will be miserable, of that means cutting your parents off completely then you need to do that. But you can't carry on as you are

Your anxiety about your DD is over the top but you are doing your best and having counselling for it. I get anxious so I know the panic it can cause. It just seems your parents are going out of their way to cause you anxiety. I'd be seeing them less frequently. Eventually they will grasp if they want to see you and dgc they shouldn't wind you up by doing the opposite of what you ask.

Why can't they kiss your daughter's head? Fair enough avoiding the mouth as that can be dangerous for babies but no reason to not kiss the head, particularly of a 6 month old.

You don't have your anxiety under control and it seems quite severe. I think your parents could be more respectful but also if they went along with everything then they would just be feeding your anxiety - it wouldn't help in the long term.

The OPs behaviour is driven by anxiety. Her parents aren't helping her to deal with it

It is not up to Ops parents or anyone else to manage her anxiety, feeding into this batshit behaviour is ridiculous, Op needs to get it under control as she is just pushing her parents away who seemingly just want a normal relationship with their grandchild. I can imagine how upsetting it would be to to ops mum to be screamed at by op for simply walking round a shop with her grandchild.

The OPs behaviour is driven by anxiety. Her parents aren't helping her to deal with it.

It's not up to other people to change their (normal) behaviour just because you have anxiety, though.

All that does is confirm that the person us right to feel anxious and gives them no reason to get professional help.

I say all this as someone with diagnosed anxiety and who tries for years to get other people to change their behaviour to appease me - of course it didn't work and it ruined lots of relationships in the process.

OP, you need to get some professional help - the feelings and behaviour you describe are extreme and will have a negative impact on your daughter in the long run.

Your anxiety isn’t under control OP, it sounds like it’s very out of control. I’ve got anxiety disorder and have had a lot of therapy, I’m also a FTM to a toddler.

It’s normal for grandparents to mooch off with their grandchildren, it’s not a reason to get into a panic. The baby will be fine on the grass, put the baby on a blanket if you need to.

Your baby stays where she’s put now, but that’s not going to last for long. Pretty soon, she’s going to be doing whatever she likes and putting all sorts of things in her mouth, and you will have to deal with it so you really need to find a way to accept that you can’t control the environment around your baby all the time and you shouldn’t, your baby doesn’t need you to. If you think your parents are unreasonable, you’re going to really struggle when your baby is a toddler.

I really strongly suggest you undertake more therapy so that your life is an easier one to live and your mental state is a nicer one to live with. Your anxiety is severe, learn how to bring it down.

Thanks for the replies. I don’t know if it’s relevant but I would and have left DD with friends before as I don’t feel the same anxiety. This is because if I said I’m going to queue please could you stay in sight, they would, without question (for example).

I agree my anxiety needs addressing and is being addressed in therapy. It relates mostly (not always) to my parents as I don’t seem to have a level of trust with them. I don’t know why exactly. The stress is massively heightened around them.

Your parents sound horrible. Anxiety or not, your child your rules. If they can't respect that go low or no contact.

They sound pretty normal to me and more frustrated than horrible.