am I out of order? Do I expect too much?

[mum22mu]

I am on maternity leave with my DD 6 months. I have anxiety in general and as my DH works long hours I am alone with her the majority of the time. I have taken steps to address this anxiety and I have therapy which helps. My parents are aware of it. I wouldn’t say it’s out of control, it’s more ruminating and intrusive thoughts and I was doing ok with it. The reason for the therapy was more to ensure I didn’t get worse rather than it being a massive problem.

However, when I see my parents I often panic with them around DD as they will walk off with her if we are in a supermarket for example or just generally out somewhere. I’ve asked them not to do this and they then agree and say they won’t, then other times they get quite nasty, saying they’re sick of being told what to do and I’m ridiculous etc etc. I get worried about DD being in their garden as they use chemicals on the lawn, I recently said I would rather we went for a walk than sat outside as I didn’t want to risk DD coming into contact with the lawn, to which my dad said to my mum ‘I should have lied and said nothing was on the lawn.’ Obviously this sort of thing really panics me as then I feel I can’t trust them and it becomes a vicious circle. I am an anxious person generally and I do my best to work on this but where DD is concerned I often can’t control it and have to ask them if they will do x or y or not do x or y (I don’t ever leave her with them alone so it’s only if we are meeting). If I don’t feel they are taking it seriously I will ask again as I feel panicked. AIBU to ask for a bit more understanding from them rather than then losing their cool? I’m honestly doing my best and I feel I would reassure someone in my position but maybe the reality is different?

Unfortunately it's not the job of everybody else to bend and pander to somebody else's whims cos " anxiety ". If everybody in the world expected this then it would be absolute chaos and there would be zero social understanding of each other as a species. What it IS possible to do though is to support people through treatment and frankly, help them to get on with it.

I've got my own small grand kids and my daughter can be a proper "anxious" mum but the simple truth is that I am more than capable of looking after a baby . When she started with ridiculous rules to ease her "anxiety " I just withdrew the offer of child care as I wasn't happy not being able to kiss my GC on the head or time feeds or be a slave to timed naps. She's very quickly realiised that her need for a break outweighed her feelings and get anxiety quickly dissolved away. She realised she was being a bit of a PFB idiot after a while and we've all moved on. She's getting therapy to help with some PND and that's that.

It sounds like you're happy to leave DD with their friends because they go along with your requests - presumably because they don't want to upset you.

Whereas your parents are probably angry that you don't trust them to do even basic things with their grandchild and aren't as willing to bend to what you want.

Your friends aren’t as comfortable with you as your parents so they do as they’re told, they make think it’s OTT so they keep it in to themselves. I’d always do whatever a friend asked to the letter, I take more liberties with my niece and nephew when I have them, as my sister would with my daughter.

I think your anxiety is not under control OP. This is all just OTT, i recognize myself in part of your post...i was the same when i was having pretty bad anxiety and PTSD. Please Please take it seriously. And your quality of life will improve massively.

Why do posters keep telling the OP to have therapy when she states she is having therapy in the first paragraph of her OP?

OP you have said you are having therapy and are taking steps to address your anxiety. Obviously it is going to take time and while it is ongoing your parents should be doing what they can to help you. For instance if your mother wanted to carry your DD off to look at something, she could have told you 'I am walking over to that shelf, I will keep an eye on you and come back when you have paid, I have my phone if you need to call me' that would let you stretch yourself a bit while still being in control. They need to compromise more and work with you because yelling at you is not a way of fixing anxiety (or at least it's not a treatment I've ever heard of).

"Your friends aren’t as comfortable with you as your parents so they do as they’re told, they make think it’s OTT so they keep it in to themselves. I’d always do whatever a friend asked to the letter, I take more liberties with my niece and nephew when I have them, as my sister would with my daughter."

This 100% !!!

If one of my friends exhibits a behaviour that I doing unusual I would notice it but keep my mouth shut. If my sister exhibited the exact same behaviour I'd be like " what the hell is up with you ya frootloop?!". I can say anything to my sister, things I would never ever dream of saying to other People .

It seems like your anxiety is controlling you to the point that you're unable to to allow basic grandparent interactions. If they've never abused you why on earth can't you trust that your mother is capable of looking after a baby in a shop without you? She raised you. At this point for your own sake you should ask your gp for some help to manage your anxiety because it will snowball if your only support are strangers online who tell you you're right always because mum powers.

No. It’s not up to OP’s mum to put strategies in place, it’s up to OP to do that.

SHE IS HAVING THERAPY TO ADDRESS THIS

I'm sorry but why can't people fucking read

IT’S NOT FUCKING WORKING… so it needs to be continued or tweaked.

Why can’t you fucking see that?

I don't understand, there are probably a lot worse things outside on your walk route than on your parents' lawn.

Post like this are really not helping.

It is up to Op to seek proper help for her anxiety and get it under control, it is not up to everyone else around her to manage her unreasonable behaviour.

It seems her friends are doing that and they are also not helping but its understandable why they have not said anything, Im pretty sure they have thought it though and possibly discussed it behind her back.

I can read but whatever therapy op is having is not working!

Therapy isn't like a magic bullet you shoot once and it fixes everything sometimes it takes years

We know that.

But there are different types of therapy and it could be that OP needs a different approach, or medication alongside the current treatment.

In which time op will have ruined any relationship between her parents and her daughter, No one is saying therapy is a magi cure that fixes everything but if its not working other avenues need to be explored.

Yes, I'm well aware. I've been in therapy myself.

But despite being in therapy, OP's behaviour is still pretty extreme which is why people are saying to get more help - that could mean medication, or a different type of therapy, or switching therapists.

Exactly. Sometimes you need to change treatments, therapy is no different.

The lawn example resonates because my DH has anxiety and he's said similar things. Lawns with chemical spray, not allowing her sleep in a room with a closed door because of air flow, those egg temperature lights in every room, slug pellets (to the extreme of I couldn't eat eggs in pregnancy in case our hens escaped, ate a slug pellet and laid a contamined egg which I ate then passed on to baby). It can be exhausting being the recipient but as much as I feel sorry for myself I feel worse for him for thinking like this. My advice would be to prioritise addressing your MH rather than blaming other people for causing your anxiety.

With all kindness OP, a bit (or a lot!) of first time mum anxiety is understandable, but this is beyond that. You sound neurotic, exhausting and controlling.

Children are smarter and more observant than we give them credit for. It will affect your daughter and make her anxious too as she starts picking up on these vibes and conflict.

Plus if she has your same anxious genes/wiring, it'll affect her badly in the long term. Spoken from experience as an anxious child with an anxious mother, though not even half as bad as your examples!

OP this part of your post stood out to me

"I wouldn’t say it’s out of control, it’s more ruminating and intrusive thoughts and I was doing ok with it. The reason for the therapy was more to ensure I didn’t get worse rather than it being a massive problem"

As a fellow anxiety sufferer, I mean this very kindly but your anxiety does seem out of control and is affecting your relationships. It may be time to re evaluate the aims of your therapy to try to improve from where you are now.

As your child gets older there will be countless situations which will cause anxiety and you need to be equipped for how to cope well.

I wouldn’t say it’s out of control, it’s more ruminating and intrusive thoughts and I was doing ok with it. The reason for the therapy was more to ensure I didn’t get worse rather than it being a massive problem

It’s definitely completely out of control and a massive problem given the examples you have given. You are just blind to some of it as the ‘massive problem’ becomes other peoples problem rather than your own. I have one child with dreadful anxiety and I get it but you are doing yourself no favours minimising this issue.

Yes to "as children get older" but I think even now – studies show that babies are affected by stress / anxiety around them. I think sometimes making sure your baby has a positive emotional environment for development takes precedence over external world perfection!

Whilst it's easy to sympathise with the OP, because out of control anxiety is horrible, it is also fair to say that it is unreasonable to expect everyone else to cance to her tune when her anxiety is driving her to unreasonable and unrealistic expectations. Children have played on lawns, been kissed by grandparents, and walked off with grandparents since time began - to expect the grandparents to somehow act like they are employed nannies or servants who get access when they obey orders is not going to work, and going ballistic at them for doing things that all grandparents do it hurtful to them, and damaging to your daughter who will be soaking up all this behaviour and thinking it normal. I can definitely understand the sentiment around the father saying that they shouldn't have mentioned something - it must feel like constantly walking on eggshells to be allowed time with their grandchild.

I don’t t think your anxiety is any where near being under control.
Expecting people to pander to it won’t help. The examples you gave are perfectly ordinary things that grandparents do.