am I out of order? Do I expect too much?

[mum22mu]

I am on maternity leave with my DD 6 months. I have anxiety in general and as my DH works long hours I am alone with her the majority of the time. I have taken steps to address this anxiety and I have therapy which helps. My parents are aware of it. I wouldn’t say it’s out of control, it’s more ruminating and intrusive thoughts and I was doing ok with it. The reason for the therapy was more to ensure I didn’t get worse rather than it being a massive problem.

However, when I see my parents I often panic with them around DD as they will walk off with her if we are in a supermarket for example or just generally out somewhere. I’ve asked them not to do this and they then agree and say they won’t, then other times they get quite nasty, saying they’re sick of being told what to do and I’m ridiculous etc etc. I get worried about DD being in their garden as they use chemicals on the lawn, I recently said I would rather we went for a walk than sat outside as I didn’t want to risk DD coming into contact with the lawn, to which my dad said to my mum ‘I should have lied and said nothing was on the lawn.’ Obviously this sort of thing really panics me as then I feel I can’t trust them and it becomes a vicious circle. I am an anxious person generally and I do my best to work on this but where DD is concerned I often can’t control it and have to ask them if they will do x or y or not do x or y (I don’t ever leave her with them alone so it’s only if we are meeting). If I don’t feel they are taking it seriously I will ask again as I feel panicked. AIBU to ask for a bit more understanding from them rather than then losing their cool? I’m honestly doing my best and I feel I would reassure someone in my position but maybe the reality is different?

Well, I completely disagree. They sound like very sensible, logical, loving parents.

She doesn’t trust them more, they’re just more easily controlled because friends don’t say what they think, like parents do.

How does the child’s father feel about all this? Is he allowed to wander off in the shop with the pram and how do you feel if he does? Do his family have the same restrictions placed on them? There may come a day when you need a babysitter (especially if you have a second and need the first looked after for appts or the birth) but nobody wants to do it because you’ve made it clear you don’t trust them.

She says she doesn't trust her parents and does trust her friends, but you obviously know better. Agreeing to hold a baby in mum's sight is not being controlled.

They’re more likely to be controlled than the parents. I’d certainly do as my friends say, but I take liberties with my sister’s kids. I don’t mind telling her she’s being daft, she’s the same with me over my kid and it works that way with our parents too. I wouldn’t have that chat with a friend, as they wouldn’t with me.

I’d say I do know better. I can think critically and objectively, whereas you can’t.

Of course it's being controlled. We're not talking about a random stranger - this is the child's grandmother!

I imagine her parents are incredibly hurt that their daughter doesn't trust them with their own grandchild - they're not even allowed to kiss her on the head ffs.

Op, how long ago was the lawn treated with chemicals? If it was the day before, then your unreasonableness is very different to if it was spread a week or more ago.

I’m genuinely confused by this thread. Are your parents known child abusers? Did they neglect you and your sister as children? If you don’t trust them an inch, as you have explained, then why take your child anywhere near them?

I’m not sure they’ve done anything remotely odd or dangerous to your child from your description so there must be more to this, especially if you’re the most chilled mum ever with friends, at baby classes and with nursery staff looking after your child. Do you feel able to explain what harm you think your parents, and no one else, will inflict on your child?

Totally agree.

Where did I say that everyone had a trusted person? In fact I said not to leave leave your child for days on end with randoms or someone you feel is not fully capable.

And where did I say that if you don't have a trusted person you are somehow lacking as a mother? I did not say that. I'm fully aware that many women aren't as lucky as I and many others on this thread, including the OP, have been to have family and friends nearby. But that certainly does not mean that we are 'privileged' as mothers. You have no idea of my, or any other woman's, motherhood journey.

Not every new mother is comfortable with leaving them and the op has said that she leaves her baby with friends and will be putting her in nursery when she goes back to work. She better than me I kept my babies close to me. She only has an issue with her parents and I can see why so her feelings are justified.

You are minimising her feelings towards her parents. Both of their children have anxiety issues hello alarm bells ringing or is that normal in your village. She is a product of them and I bet there is more to this story than what the op is saying about her parents.

I’m getting so sick of people whining on about their various levels of comfortable and expecting other people to change their own reasonable behaviour in response.

I have anxiety disorder, it’s up to me to manage it, no one else.

I mean this in the nicest possible way, as someone who also had horrendous PN anxiety (literally couldn’t leave the house at one point)

how do you expect things to get better if you are expecting people to adapt their behaviour around your anxieties?

you can’t live like this, for the sake of your child and yourself.

I completely get that you want to feel heard and I think you need to have a frank conversation with your parents about how anxious you are and the effect it has on your life. But you also need to realise that some of your expectations are over the top.

your child is six months this old and not allowed to be kissed by her own grandparents, that’s really sad for everyone

I really hope that things get better for you

Whining??? I am guessing the people around you showed you very little compassion or understanding. That's sad what started your anxiety if you don't mind me asking?

Maybe so, but as OP hasn't come back to clarify, you can't say for certain.

I’ve had plenty of compassion and understanding, but it’s not up to the people around me to change their behaviour and they wouldn’t do me any favours if they did. It is very clear cut to me.

I’ve had a lot of therapy and done the work to learn to live with a debilitating condition that would ruin my life and dictate how I live if I let it.

I don’t want to share my personal history with you, I don’t know you from Adam so I’m not going into why I believe I have anxiety disorder.

I actually agree with this.
I have had debilitating anxiety and it ruined my life.
Plenty of compassion and understanding BUT the thing that really helped me was exposing myself to things I worried about, a degree of tough love, and some really hard work on my end.

obviously there’s a middle ground between compassion and tough love and you need both, but you do need to be realistic and understand when your worries are out of proportion to actual risk.

I’ve heard it said that many people say CBT doesn’t work for them.. for some that’s because you have to be quite proactive and persistent with it, which doesn’t suit every body.

Exposure therapy really helped me. I learned that there is always a risk of the things that worried me happening, but it’s a very low risk. The key thing was stopping myself from doing the things that I did to help me, I learned they weren’t helping me and were stoking the anxiety’s flames. The anxiety had much less to live off when I stopped them. My life is better now and I believe it’s because I took charge of it and made myself responsible.

I am glad you say all that @elenacampana because I got slaughtered yesterday for saying similar. Apparently, I showed no understanding.

Exposure therapy is the word I was searching for. My family member did that bit by bit. So first she couldn't leave the house, then she was encouraged to go into the garden or just to the end of the street, then to the shops, eventually to meet friends and so on... We used to get groceries for this family member and do everything for her, but we were told to stop "enabling" her otherwise she would never go back to normal.

I’ve had plenty of compassion and understanding, but it’s not up to the people around me to change their behaviour and they wouldn’t do me any favours if they did. It is very clear cut to me.

As someone who's suffered from anxiety since my teens, I completely agree with you.

Adjusting your behaviour to pacify someone's irrational fears doesn't do them any favours in the long run. All it does is justify their anxieties and make them even more set in their ways.

@Lentilweaver @cinnamonfrenchtoast

It sounds like you both have a really good idea about what anxiety is and how a person can learn how to manage it. Anxiety exists in the brain of the person who has it, that person sees risks that aren’t there or are very low and because the various areas of their brains are firing off alerts and not processing signals properly, that person has a really hard time with working out what a risk is or how much of a risk it is.

I’ve said it plenty of times on this thread, it’s up to the person with anxiety to learn how to manage it until it’s manageable. It’s not up to anyone else, no one else can master it for them and ‘help them’ by doing everything they’re told to do by the anxious person, who is not rational, they’re doing much more harm than good.

You don't have to share anything with me. I don't know your name, address or what you look like. It would be difficult to put a person to the story. I grew up with fucked up parents my dad told me his story but my mum never said anything she had therapy as well. She had OCD it was bad but she never said why. She mainly blamed her children she told the GP she found us too much. There's a reason for everything we are born innocent it doesn't just happen.

My mum passed away in March she went to her grave with it. My mum should never have felt embarrassed or ashamed it happened. I am not embarrassed to talk about my experiences I am not ashamed it made me the person I am today. I understand my past and now I can move forward to become a better person not perfect but a more happier person.

With all kindness OP, a bit (or a lot!) of first time mum anxiety is understandable, but this is beyond that. You sound neurotic, exhausting and controlling.

If that's 'with all kindness', I'd hate to hear you when you're not being kind.

So much ignorance and prejudice on MN where mental health issues are concerned. Why don't we all just pull ourselves together, eh?