am I out of order? Do I expect too much?

[mum22mu]

I am on maternity leave with my DD 6 months. I have anxiety in general and as my DH works long hours I am alone with her the majority of the time. I have taken steps to address this anxiety and I have therapy which helps. My parents are aware of it. I wouldn’t say it’s out of control, it’s more ruminating and intrusive thoughts and I was doing ok with it. The reason for the therapy was more to ensure I didn’t get worse rather than it being a massive problem.

However, when I see my parents I often panic with them around DD as they will walk off with her if we are in a supermarket for example or just generally out somewhere. I’ve asked them not to do this and they then agree and say they won’t, then other times they get quite nasty, saying they’re sick of being told what to do and I’m ridiculous etc etc. I get worried about DD being in their garden as they use chemicals on the lawn, I recently said I would rather we went for a walk than sat outside as I didn’t want to risk DD coming into contact with the lawn, to which my dad said to my mum ‘I should have lied and said nothing was on the lawn.’ Obviously this sort of thing really panics me as then I feel I can’t trust them and it becomes a vicious circle. I am an anxious person generally and I do my best to work on this but where DD is concerned I often can’t control it and have to ask them if they will do x or y or not do x or y (I don’t ever leave her with them alone so it’s only if we are meeting). If I don’t feel they are taking it seriously I will ask again as I feel panicked. AIBU to ask for a bit more understanding from them rather than then losing their cool? I’m honestly doing my best and I feel I would reassure someone in my position but maybe the reality is different?

Good luck when you go back to work OP
Really your mum was out of sight in a supermarket!!
What in gods name did you think would happen?
Your anxiety is out of control

I have taken steps to address this anxiety and I have therapy which helps. My parents are aware of it. I wouldn’t say it’s out of control, it’s more ruminating and intrusive thoughts and I was doing ok with it. The reason for the therapy was more to ensure I didn’t get worse rather than it being a massive problem.

1. You need to take more steps, your therapy isn't helping
2. It's out of control and you aren't doing OK
3. It is a massive problem

This is why PP are suggesting needing more therapy, because whatever you're doing isn't working.

Your parents are probably exhausted from walking on eggshells and getting yelled at for trying to do normal things.

Your DD absolutely will be picking up the nervy vibes as well, it's not good for her.

You are being controlling and exhausting and over the top, not apparently, you are.

But what did you think was going to happen?

I think it is great that you have acknowledged your anxiety issues and are taking steps to resolve it. It is certainly an issue as in the long term, you need to be able to leave your child with other people, out of your sight. I recall having real anxiety over my first child and I really feel for you but it is time to start letting go.

Unfortunately your parents don't sound very understanding but as a grandparent, I can also appreciate that they want to spend time with your child without the constant restrictions. Kissing a baby on the head when you are holding them is probably a healthy unconcious spontaneous reaction!

However, it sounds like they think they know best so, until they respect your wishes and you can learn to let go a little more, I think I would be minimizing contact as it currently sounds like the situation is hurting both of you.

It's not up to other people to change their (normal) behaviour just because you have anxiety, though.

This. It does seem that people are increasingly asked to modify their behaviour because someone in their life has anxiety. It’s for the person with anxiety to manage, not everyone else.

I have a friend who cannot understand that she can’t completely dictate how we all meet/what we do/where we go/who we invite because she has anxiety.

Hope your therapy helps, good luck, it sounds exhausting.

OP, I have anxiety. I would just say that you really need to commit to improving how you handle it as I don't think you're aware of the severe impact you are going to have on your child. It's incredible damaging growing up with a parent who behaves in this way, and I can tell from your posts that you would not want anything like that for her at all. Wish you the best of luck.

I agree with this.

whilst anxiety can be very debilitating and difficult to live with, you can’t minimise the impact it has on those around you who are living with it too

Op have you spoken to your doctor? I agree with others, your anxiety sounds like it’s not being managed yet. I think the op led folks initially to believe it was your parents who were the issue, as it’s written that way, but the subsequent posts show your issues are extreme , your reactions uncontrolled and it looks like they are hugely frustrated and in the main trying to deal with it and empathise but occasionally snap due to the frustration. Not being able to kiss your child’s head is a concern.

I think it worth speaking to your doctor. Good luck

Agree with this. You are ruining your daughter’s relationship with her GPs. Get some help before you pass your weird controlling neuroses on to her.

@Theunamedcat there's different kinds of therapy! People sometimes go to therapy on and off, or continuous. CBT is different to counselling etc

I agree with most others, OP. I don’t think your anxiety is fully under control as it is interfering to such a great extent with normal every day life. You say you are having therapy. Have you had a proper diagnosis to rule out other additional conditions such as post-natal depression and checked that your therapist is the right kind for your particular needs? I appreciate that it may be helping, but consider whether it is helping you enough to lead a normal life. If my mum had wandered out of eyesight with my child I’d assume they were round the corner or popped into the shop next store, not that my baby had been kidnapped or injured.

Your parents managed to raise you to adulthood. Presumably you trundled happily all over the pesticide grass and spent time with family away from your parents. I’m glad you’re taking steps to overcome your anxiety and hope you continue to improve enough to enable you to loosen the strings of control on those around you.

OP, do you have a reason for not trusting your parents? I don’t mean specifically in relation to your DD (but the not listening to your requests is really easy for them to do. Your daughter will be emotionally damaged by not being kissed…WTAF?!) but in a wider sense. What was your childhood like? I think your parents responses to your concerns are quite telling as they seem to be very dismissive of your feelings. Your mum saying forget it, get over it…your dad saying he should have just lied about the lawn etc if they’ve always been like that then you’ll have grown up having no voice and being taught that your feelings/opinions don’t matter. You’ll still have those feelings but may have been programmed to think they’re wrong so you’ve got a disconnect with what you feel and what you think you should feel. If you’re constantly second guessing your feelings then that can lead to anxiety as you don’t know which way is up.

Now, it may be that your parents were loving, nurturing, validating parents who have run out of patience with your extreme level of anxiety but those parents would be more likely to still do what you ask then discuss it with you later. I know I did things with my DC that both sets of parents may have not agreed with, but they still did it as they respected my parenting choices and listened to why I was doing it.

You've probably covered it in therapy, but look at your early relationship with your parents to see if there’s a reason there why you don’t trust them. Becoming a parent can unlock things we thought were dealt with as we examine our own feelings toward our DC and judge other people’s behaviour based on those feelings.

You need to keep in mind that your DD is with your parents who brought you up. If you can't see them momentarily maybe they've gone to look at something. Your parents do have your DD's interests at heart. They're also worried about you and your anxiety but they don't know the right things to do so they're doing what they think is best.

You do have to remember it is your Mum and Dad. Speak to your therapist about how your anxiety is not lessening and if there's other things you can do to help yourself get through this.

I do hope that you can find some assurance and the confidence to fully trust your DD in your parents' care soon.

I've only read your comments @mum22mu so my post may well have been covered.

Your anxiety doesn't sound like it is under control, your response are extreme because of this. Having therapy will help but it may take a while.

however the things you are anxious about are not themselves unreasonable.

If your parents are not listening to you about things like not putting a baby down on a chemically treated lawn, that's not right. I wouldn't walk barefoot on a chemically treated lawn, because it's not safe for a day or so. It says so on the treatment. That your dad considered lying to you will add to a feeling of distrust.

The leaving your sight thing - i can understand if people call that controlling. But I also know how it feels when someone has your baby even a family member, and they disappear. My mum has done it before when my DD was tiny (3 weeks old) as her desperation to show the baby off was more important than it was to let me know where she was going. I found her, it was no big deal but I was annoyed she hadn't let us properly stop the car (we had slowed down and almost stopped) before she whipped open the back door and pulled the baby out the car seat without saying hello...

So your reactions sound heightened, but their behaviour isn't helping.

I don't know what to suggest to help other than keep going with therapy. Medication may help to keep a handle on the anxiety (I know many people who take meds and it helps them). It would be great if your parents listened to you or tried to understand rather than lie or ridicule but it doesn't sound like they would. So management of your actions and reactions is key.

Not sure why so many people think you’re being unreasonable. Maybe they have nicer parents and can’t imagine what it’s like to have parents who deliberately ignore your boundaries.

You asked your mum to stay close by and she deliberately went out of sight, knowing you would panic, so that she could berate you. She didn’t accidentally wander off. She did it on purpose. Perhaps she enjoys telling you off. As your child gets older your mum may replicate that behaviour with your daughter. Something to watch out for.

It’s great that you’re getting help with your anxiety, and I hope you feel better soon. But your parents are making things worse in the meantime.

This is a vicious circle.
Your parents make your anxiety worse because of their actions and your anxiety is making their actions worse. They clearly don't care about your anxiety so aren't going to change their behaviour leaving you as the only one who can change things.
Your dd is approaching an age where she will be mobile, this is going to create more incidents where they are out of sight if you go out together as a group.

My own mum would have been firm but fair in these situations. A bit of understanding and patience is key when dealing with sufferers of anxiety, but pandering to them is useless and just about the worst thing you can do.
So I'm in two minds here really.

To start with I put YABU but changed to YANBU the more I read. You are obviously anxious, but your parents are stopping you from relaxing and therefore (potentially) reducing your anxiety levels. If they were supportive and didn’t wander off in the shops, you would trust them more and be more relaxed around them.They need to learn that in order for the situation to improve, they need to listen and support you.
I would try and have a conversation with them (I know that may be hard) but say that you have anxiety and they are not helping. If they are not prepared to support you, then you will have to take a step back. Good luck.

Your anxiety could be because of your parents op, they do sound deeply unkind.

Most mothers are naturally very protective of their babies, this is an essential part of parenting. Your anxiety is being managed in therapy but have you considered that it’s your parents that are triggering you? Have you noticed your own responses to them?

The fact they ignore you when you have so clearly set out your reasons would be enough for me.

Pull back, go low contact and see if you start to feel better. Spend time with trusted friends instead.

On some level you don’t trust your parents op, I am willing to bet there is a very good reason for that op. Trust yourself. Your parents sound awful, keep them away and see what happens with your anxiety. Monitor your own emotions and reactions and see if there is an improvement?

Not sure why so many people think you’re being unreasonable. Maybe they have nicer parents and can’t imagine what it’s like to have parents who deliberately ignore your boundaries

What is it with Mumsnet and 'Boundaries'?

Honestly, if parents cant pull their kids up (adult or not) on unreasonable and damaging behaviour then who can? Should the world just tiptoe around one another?

Supporting her is not the same as pandering to her
She needs to learn to manage her anxiety
OP is on mat leave, potentially returning to work and yet she panics as her mum was out of sight in a shop!

Exactly - but if your mother is not a trustworthy person you are going to feel stressed!!

Nor everyone has lovely parents!

You sound like a nightmare of a mother / grandmother. Have you sought any therapy yet? You should.

Your parents should be more understanding.

Also- you are going to find it very difficult if you can't bear for your dd to be out of your sight in the company of other trusted adults. It won't be good for her or you, and maybe you could talk to your therapist about this particular issue?