am I out of order? Do I expect too much?

[mum22mu]

I am on maternity leave with my DD 6 months. I have anxiety in general and as my DH works long hours I am alone with her the majority of the time. I have taken steps to address this anxiety and I have therapy which helps. My parents are aware of it. I wouldn’t say it’s out of control, it’s more ruminating and intrusive thoughts and I was doing ok with it. The reason for the therapy was more to ensure I didn’t get worse rather than it being a massive problem.

However, when I see my parents I often panic with them around DD as they will walk off with her if we are in a supermarket for example or just generally out somewhere. I’ve asked them not to do this and they then agree and say they won’t, then other times they get quite nasty, saying they’re sick of being told what to do and I’m ridiculous etc etc. I get worried about DD being in their garden as they use chemicals on the lawn, I recently said I would rather we went for a walk than sat outside as I didn’t want to risk DD coming into contact with the lawn, to which my dad said to my mum ‘I should have lied and said nothing was on the lawn.’ Obviously this sort of thing really panics me as then I feel I can’t trust them and it becomes a vicious circle. I am an anxious person generally and I do my best to work on this but where DD is concerned I often can’t control it and have to ask them if they will do x or y or not do x or y (I don’t ever leave her with them alone so it’s only if we are meeting). If I don’t feel they are taking it seriously I will ask again as I feel panicked. AIBU to ask for a bit more understanding from them rather than then losing their cool? I’m honestly doing my best and I feel I would reassure someone in my position but maybe the reality is different?

In a word, yeah!

Kindness comes in many forms and sometimes it’s not the sweetly softly kind of approach that’s needed.

Oh look everyone. She has spoken and we're all cured.

Literally one of the stupidest posts I've seen in a while. Pure ignorance.

It’s a miracle 😂

Bullshit. If the mother tells you to stay in sight with her baby, you stay in sight or you hand the baby back. No one gets to decide they're going to do what they want with someone's else child.

But one of your previous posts states that you suffer from anxiety yourself, so how can you not get that sometimes sufferers can't simply 'pull themselves together' however much they would like to?

Bullshit. If the mother tells you to stay in sight with her baby, you stay in sight or you hand the baby back. No one gets to decide they're going to do what they want with someone's else child.

If you're going to demand such rigid boundaries from people, you're going to lose them.

People won't be dictated to forever.

It’s not bullshit, it’s a reasonable attitude towards grandparents being grandparents. Unlike the aggressive attitude you seem to have.

I wouldn’t use a term like ‘pull yourself together’ personally, but my views are the same essence, just not the language I would myself use. It’s what I did to help myself get past irrational fears, it’s improved my life. I went to intensive therapy for months, it’s not like I haven’t experienced it and I’m speaking as someone who’s never lived this.

It’s not for other people to manage my anxiety. It’s my responsibility and one of the key reasons I went to
therapy was because I didn’t want my baby to suffer for my unhelpful thought patterns.

Honestly, anxiety about sitting on the lawn is really over the top. Lawn treatment has to conform to safety standards and won't kill your DD if she sits on it. You do need to get this under control because I'd agree with your parents, it is ridiculous. You will end up with a child who constantly gets tummy bugs if you wrap them in cotton wool and never allow them to be exposed to anything ever that could potentially be harmful but in reality just isn't. Practically everything you touch has got 'chemicals' on it or in it. We don't all drop dead the second we walk out the door. Besides, you are going to pass this irrational anxiety on to a toddler if you don't try and get a grip on it. Before you know it your DD will be flapping about every five minutes at the slightest little thing.

It really isn’t pure ignorance. I was very very near to a terrorist attack while in hospital after the birth of my baby, I heard the bomb go off and the view outside of my window, while I recovered from a c-section (after which I could barely move), tried to look after my baby and dealt with yet another lockdown, but this time because someone had come after my baby and me with a bomb.

Scared doesn’t come close, I was absolutely terrified. I was convinced that there would be another bomber to come along and finish what the first one started. Public situations were a nightmare for me for a long time afterwards and I was jumpy and afraid and would leave places because I thought my baby was was in danger. I felt like someone had been building a bomb for my entire pregnancy and then arrived with it while I was at my most vulnerable. It took two years to conceive my beautiful daughter and I felt like someone was just waiting to take her from me.

I went to therapy, I did the work. I’ll never leave a public place or make my child leave a public place ever again. I will not make her frightened of the world.

I’m not ignorant, I’m not trying to cure anyone. I’m giving my honest thoughts following the very worst time of my life. I could have let it define me, I could have refused to let anyone go anywhere with my girl. I didn’t. She’s gorgeous, she’s thriving, she’s happy, and I’m not doing too badly
myself.

I meant to say that the view of out my window was armed police and the bomb squad. No one could come in or go out.

Oh and all that time my baby had suspected meningitis and we had no chance of going home for at least a week.

Oh, the projection/interpretation is interesting to me. Mental health is always a spectrum, it's not black or white. So just because I say this goes beyond first time mum anxiety, I'm not saying she doesn't have anxiety. On the contrary, she does, in far more serious form, and it may need greater treatment/resources.

I literally have no idea where you and the other posters got "pull yourself together" from – I can only conclude it came from inside of you!

You will note I said I was anxious myself too! I've always been very anxious, but it all came to a head during stressful circumstances in my life. Anyone would've been anxious in those circs, so I thought my controlling and berating my family (lashing out a la what OP detailed) was justified. It took some people kindly (not harshly – perhaps I didn't soften my tone enough in this thread) telling me that I was impossible to live with.

I was already undergoing treatment for GAD, but I think considering the impact on my children and family made me a lot more willing to undergo treatment. Anxious parents make for anxious children. I know this from my own mother and childhood...

I don't believe one can "will" oneself into magically getting better, but certainly you need to believe that you have a problem and want to fix it, to even stand a fighting chance.

And no kissing. And no sitting on the lawn because it's "contaminated".

This is not normal behaviour.