am I out of order? Do I expect too much?

[mum22mu]

I am on maternity leave with my DD 6 months. I have anxiety in general and as my DH works long hours I am alone with her the majority of the time. I have taken steps to address this anxiety and I have therapy which helps. My parents are aware of it. I wouldn’t say it’s out of control, it’s more ruminating and intrusive thoughts and I was doing ok with it. The reason for the therapy was more to ensure I didn’t get worse rather than it being a massive problem.

However, when I see my parents I often panic with them around DD as they will walk off with her if we are in a supermarket for example or just generally out somewhere. I’ve asked them not to do this and they then agree and say they won’t, then other times they get quite nasty, saying they’re sick of being told what to do and I’m ridiculous etc etc. I get worried about DD being in their garden as they use chemicals on the lawn, I recently said I would rather we went for a walk than sat outside as I didn’t want to risk DD coming into contact with the lawn, to which my dad said to my mum ‘I should have lied and said nothing was on the lawn.’ Obviously this sort of thing really panics me as then I feel I can’t trust them and it becomes a vicious circle. I am an anxious person generally and I do my best to work on this but where DD is concerned I often can’t control it and have to ask them if they will do x or y or not do x or y (I don’t ever leave her with them alone so it’s only if we are meeting). If I don’t feel they are taking it seriously I will ask again as I feel panicked. AIBU to ask for a bit more understanding from them rather than then losing their cool? I’m honestly doing my best and I feel I would reassure someone in my position but maybe the reality is different?

Surely that depends on how long it’s been since the lawn was treated?

I have never suffered from anxiety disorders or any MH issues. When my babies were small (especially my first) I hated them being out of sight, I would feel completely consumed till I could see them again. I was also was very concerned with what they ate and were exposed to. I was particularly like that with PIL because they ignored my choices and preferences. My point is I don’t think you’re that different from a lot of mothers, it’s instinct to be very protective over our tiny babies. Maybe if they respected you more you could relax.

Do you think your anxiety could be worse because of PND?

My dsis was ridiculous because of that but wouldn’t accept she had it.

Or the mum could of thought …. Ooo I just want to quickly look at this and went about her completely normal behaviour.

You are asking them to enable your anxiety and they are not doing so. They are quite right not to prop it up, as hard as that feels for you. It is exhausting to be around someone who is very anxious so I imagine they are fed up. I am sorry you are struggling so much, but asking them to change because of your anxiety is not reasonable.

Hi OP

This sounds really difficult. I think in general grandparents (or anyone really) should do their best to follow the wishes of the parents. However it must be hard when those wishes are completely illogical and make their life harder. Eg baby is getting restless being carried and wants to get down on the supermarket floor...walking around to calm them, taking them to see the toys or whatever might help settle them. Asking someone to stay in sight is illogical and shows you don't trust them to keep your baby safe so they may be feeling offended. Also I'm not a psychologist but perhaps in some situations people need to learn to cope with their illogical fear and anxiety - if you get people around you to change their behaviour maybe it helps to validate the fear rather than dealing with it (as in maybe you need to learn to deal with the trigger rather than get everyone else to modify their behaviour to avoid the trigger)

Saying all this though, you are clearly taking steps to deal with your anxiety and it should be your therapist who helps you make plans deal with it, not your parents deciding that they know best and doing what they want regardless. And these are small things that don't hugely affect them (its not like you're asking them to look after your baby overnight and set an alarm for every 30 min to make sure they're ok). And they aren't being very kind or understanding in their reactions to you, getting annoyed at you or making statements like 'we should have lied' is clearly not going to help the situation in any way at all.

In all honesty I would try and cut contact with them for a while. Or meet them somewhere neutral like a coffee shop where there is an 'end time' and you can keep your baby in the buggy or on your knee. It seems like they are making your anxiety worse and you don't need that until you can work out through therapy if they are deliberately trying to undermine you or find strategies to cope if they're not

Or they don’t want to feed her anxiety by going along with every little ridiculous demand she says… not to go out of sight in a supermarket ? Really… they are not 2 and shouldn’t be treated like some sort of child snatchers.

Why do her parents need to establish ‘trust’. She should trust them automatically. Surely as the OP sees them and I presumed raised her on a decent manner so why does she need to build trust with someone she has a long standing relationship with.

As a mum and a gran I understand some of your feelings but not all. If I'm holding a baby while someone is in a queue I do tend to move about, it tends to settle babies so if I moved out of sight it wouldn't be meant as I'm ignoring your wishes just that I'm doing something that seems natural and I'm not thinking about it.

If the lawn has recently been sprayed I get that, I think it normally says on the packaging to keep animals and small children off it for a while. I also get the not wanting people to kiss babies. I've suffered really badly with cold sores since I was a toddler as an aunt kissed me and passed it on. Some people get the occasional sore but I get massive outbreaks and have for nearly 70 years, don't think my immune system is likely to work it out now. Due to this I am paranoid about people kissing babies but I confine that to round the mouth, eyes and any broken skin so top of the head or unbroken skin on the cheek and that is OK. Tough if someone feels the need to kiss a baby on the lips.

Maybe think about the rules that are absolutely not to be crossed and see if you can relax a bit on others.

Do you need to go shopping with them? I know sometimes people do because of needing a lift but honestly I'd rather walk or catch the bus and avoid the stress.

I hope the anxiety improves, it sounds exhausting.

I have anxiety and a lot of what OP is describing is familar to me.

There's a lot of people on this thread who fundamentally don't understand anxiety. Yes the OP is being unreasonable but she's also making steps to recover. No one is advocating not to challenge unreasonable behaviour but patience and need to be employed. Recovery in anxiety is a hard, hard thing to do. Its even harder when the sufferer is continually in a state of crisis, which the OP's parents are provoking in her with their behaviour. By following some of the rules of the sufferer those around them can give the person a calmer space in which to recover where they're not tormented by their anxiety.

GAD can be absolutely all consuming, at my worst I feel full on terror.
Imagine trying to work through CBT or whatnot with your clothes on fire and you might have some idea of why the tough love, 'don't pander to it' approach won't work.

Amazing that there are so many mental health professionals on one thread...

I agree with the PPs who say there's probably a reason why you don't trust your parents. They've shown that they'll consider lying to you to get their own way. My parents are similar - I won't even let them look after my dog, whereas I can leave her with the in-laws fine because I know if something happens they will tell me (and actually, they won't let anything happen). If you've grown up with them constantly mocking you and not respecting you, that's a whole lot of history to contend with. My parents aren't unkind people and they perhaps haven't been abusive (although possibly emotionally, I try not to dwell on it) and yours may be the same. I don't have anything helpful to add, but just another voice saying YANBU.

Have you considered letting your parents have your daughter for a couple of hours and see what happens? When you see your daughter is fine and your parents will probably have more fun without you there you might feel more relaxed when you pick your daughter up afterwards. I can’t wait to have grandchildren and would try to adhere to whatever stipulations my children had but if I thought they were going over the top I might try and say something to reassure them (or if I could tell they knew they were being OTT) I would probably make them laugh.

I think your parents could be more understanding BUT it must be extremely frustrating for them and I can see why they're snapping. Not being allowed to take their own grandchild out of your eyeline for a moment is very extreme.
It doesn't sound like your anxiety is at all under control and it's exhausting for all of you to deal with and won't be good for baby at all. Can you go back to your GP and ask for more help?

Thanks for so many replies, I am overwhelmed by them! I haven’t had chance to read them all yet.

To answer a few questions. I don’t think I have PND, but then I suppose I can’t know for sure? I am very relaxed with DD at home with her or if I’m at a baby class or our for lunch with friends etc. I’m not paralysed by the anxiety. I just seem to go into overdrive around my parents. I do think the comments and invalidation of my concerns adds to my anxiety as I don’t feel I am heard.

Those saying my parents would be feeding my anxiety if they went along with me… I am not sure I agree. I am sure friends have thought I am a bit crazy wanting DD in sight and are too polite to say but then equally I don’t feel as stressed around them and would, for example, go to the loo alone if DD was with them and I would take my time. I just don’t feel that way around my parents.

FWIW my sibling feels exactly the same but then again she also has anxiety.

Its an awful situation because I do know they love DD but I feel genuinely stressed around them at the moment.

You sound hard work op, and if I were your parents, I'd let you get on with it.

You've posted about this before haven't you OP? I wonder if your parents are less patient with you than other people are because a) they have to deal with your anxiety more often, and b) they're worried you're going to pass your anxiety on to your child.

They're have been babies who have died from the herpies virus from someone kissing them. I think that's fair enough especially before they have had any imunisations. My sister used to kiss my daughter on the lips when she was a baby and I told her not to do it. It's germs I kiss my kids on they're face or head never on they're lips.

I'm sorry, but the fact that your daughter can't be out of your sight, when she's with your Mum is bizarre. What do you think might happen? You do realise that your Mum raised you, and here you are, alive and well?

You asked your mum to stay close by and she deliberately went out of sight, knowing you would panic, so that she could berate you

She didn’t accidentally wander off. She did it on purpose

Perhaps she enjoys telling you off

Bloody hell, get a grip.

Am I the only one who thinks it's not normal at all to just wander off with someone else's baby without saying anything? OP didn't say baby needed settling, which might be a bit different, she said GM had gone to look at something in the shop. If baby was fine to stay and OP was also fine with GM going off and leaving baby, then the only reason I can see for GM doing it is to wind OP up. She doesn't sound very supportive.

Can you spend less time with them?

I think from what you say here (that you're different on your own, around friends, etc) a previous poster had it right when she said your parents at a quite fundamental level don't make you feel safe, and they probably didn't as a child. Especially if your sibling also has anxiety.

What kind of therapy are you having? If it's CBT that can take people a fair way in managing anxiety, but it probably won't help you change how you and your parents relate to each other. If it's talking therapy, do you talk about your relationship with your parents? Would be worth using a talking type of therapy (ie not CBT) to explore some of those childhood patterns, to find a way of breaking through them.

(I say this all from a place of massive empathy, have been there)

Those saying my parents would be feeding my anxiety if they went along with me… I am not sure I agree. I am sure friends have thought I am a bit crazy wanting DD in sight and are too polite to say but then equally I don’t feel as stressed around them and would, for example, go to the loo alone if DD was with them and I would take my time. I just don’t feel that way around my parents

Going along with your rituals/ideas might make you feel temporarily better but it is still feeding your behaviour. It is confirming to you that these things matter, that they help when really they don't and they're the equivalent of putting a plaster over a gaping wound. Returning to my house 5x to check that the door was locked made me feel temporarily better but each time I did it I was feeding my anxiety and making it stronger.

Probably because nothing dreadful has happened.

I had literally said prior to going in the queue that if she wanted to look round then please leave DD with me as I will panic if she goes out of sight.

It makes perfect sense that your mum takes her for a little stroll while you queue. A queue and paying at the checkout is a perfect place for you to be distracted and for her to get bored, so she could just slip away while you're hunting for change or fighting with a card that won't work for some reason.

Is your mum supposed to stand stock still, probably frustrating your DD as she's seen the xyz display and wants to go and look at it? Isn't a little wander to look at the display better than risking tears and tantrums?

Did your parents regularly beat/abuse children or were they neglectful to the point of risk of harm? If your answer to both of those is "no", then I think you need to cut them some slack.

You've said about having a lack of self esteem which you attribute to their attitude, but half an hour here and there isn't going to have a lasting impact on your DD. If you are doing lots of confidence building with her, all she's going to think is that sometimes they can be grumpy. You freaking out because she is out of sight is actually going to harm her self-confidence. Things that might go through her head "The world is so terrible even nanny can't protect me", "I'm so naughty and such hard work even nanny can't manage to control me on her own", "Mummy doesn't trust me not to be naughty for nanny".

Don't be that over-protective mum that sparks anxiety in their children.