am I out of order? Do I expect too much?

[mum22mu]

I am on maternity leave with my DD 6 months. I have anxiety in general and as my DH works long hours I am alone with her the majority of the time. I have taken steps to address this anxiety and I have therapy which helps. My parents are aware of it. I wouldn’t say it’s out of control, it’s more ruminating and intrusive thoughts and I was doing ok with it. The reason for the therapy was more to ensure I didn’t get worse rather than it being a massive problem.

However, when I see my parents I often panic with them around DD as they will walk off with her if we are in a supermarket for example or just generally out somewhere. I’ve asked them not to do this and they then agree and say they won’t, then other times they get quite nasty, saying they’re sick of being told what to do and I’m ridiculous etc etc. I get worried about DD being in their garden as they use chemicals on the lawn, I recently said I would rather we went for a walk than sat outside as I didn’t want to risk DD coming into contact with the lawn, to which my dad said to my mum ‘I should have lied and said nothing was on the lawn.’ Obviously this sort of thing really panics me as then I feel I can’t trust them and it becomes a vicious circle. I am an anxious person generally and I do my best to work on this but where DD is concerned I often can’t control it and have to ask them if they will do x or y or not do x or y (I don’t ever leave her with them alone so it’s only if we are meeting). If I don’t feel they are taking it seriously I will ask again as I feel panicked. AIBU to ask for a bit more understanding from them rather than then losing their cool? I’m honestly doing my best and I feel I would reassure someone in my position but maybe the reality is different?

Because some people have shit parents!

Just because you’re a parent doesn’t mean you’re right. The parents may be the only people in the world to think a behaviour is unreasonable (ie they’re in the wrong) but by your logic that gives them the right to tell their child they’re wrong when they’re actually totally right and doing what anyone else would do.

saying they’re sick of being told what to do and I’m ridiculous etc etc.

That's wrong, so very wrong.

Your daughter is with you and its as if when you pull them up on their actions they deflect and make it your fault.

Id calmly state to them

Think about your actions and then I will not tell you off.

repeat the same phrase over and again to them, broken record technique to stop someone doing something

Your parents should want to lower your anxiety, not deliberately increase it and then insult you.

They should be supporting your recovery but listening to your needs, not letting you down by ignoring you therefore reinforcing your core belief that they can’t really be trusted.

Decent parents care enough to not punish their daughter for GAD by further insulting her. These are not the actions of good or loving parents. They needed to establish your trust and have systematically failed to do so. They are almost taunting you.

I would stop seeing them for now. Only meet up - if you want to - inside your home when your dp is there, no more supermarket visits or anywhere else.

The first step in combating your anxiety is to gradually grow in confidence in the world around you, and especially the people around you. Your parents are setting you back each time this happens.

As others have said, your anxiety is most definitely not under control. In your example, your friends would keep your DD within eye shot whereas your parents wouldn't..... The problem really is why you are so anxious about having her gone from eye shot for a few minutes. Even if your parents decided to go along with everything you are asking of them, your anxiety would still be there, if u get me.... That's what you need to get to the bottom of.

Seriously, you need to sort yourself out. If you carry on like this you'll turn your baby into an anxious toddler. They aren't doing anything that grandparents don't normally do

We all want to wrap our kids in cotton wool and protect them from the big bad world but is that healthy?
You are going to have to learn to live with uncomfortable feelings to give your dd that freedom to grow normally.

Your friends aren’t saying things they probably think. You need to learn what is normal behaviour and let those things happen despite your uncomfortable feelings. You know your perception is skewed and your friends won’t tell you the truth so somehow you need to find out objectively, what is normal and what isn’t. This thread has told you that several of the points you made are unreasonable and not normal. Can you ask your friends to be really honest with you and use them, along with your therapist and parents views to re evaluate what you should let go and allow, despite your anxiety around it.

You have to do this for dd. You want to protect her. That includes looking out fir her mental well being just as much as her physical well being.

You can’t trust your own instinctive feelings about what is ok to allow, so you need to information gather what is normal behaviour and allow it, regardless of how that makes you feel. The more you learn to live with those uncomfortable feelings, the more they will lesson.
People enabling those feelings by pandering to unnormal behaviour isn’t actually helping you or dd in the long term.

Your mum's comment about 'forget about it now' is telling. You've apologised and made an explanation of YOUR concern but she hasn't made any apology or explanation for ignoring your request, with regard to your daughter. She is literally not respecting your decision with regard to parenting your daughter - it's a huge overstep - she is assuming you do not have capacity to make parenting decisions.

Definitely they need to stop overriding your decisions as that is just creating a cycle that will deepen your anxiety as they are not respecting you and are untrustworthy.

Sounds like they are angry and frustrated with your behaviour.If my mum took my baby dc with her I would know she was safe as anything.You really need further help else your dc is going to grow up with your anxiety and be a very lonely little girl if you won't let her live a normal childhood.
It is your behaviour causing the upset and you need to address it asap.

The root is almost certainly her parents and childhood, if almost always is.

If our parents do not make us feel safe as children ( and listening to ops post it’s not difficult to see why) then that lack of safety becomes anxiety and can lead to MH issues later in life.

I have an adult son with anxiety, he is having treatment. If I agreed with all of his demands so that his anxiety wasn't heightened then, quite frankly, I would also start to have anxiety. I would be in a constant state , wondering if I would be scolded for doing quite reasonable things, I wouldn't be able to carry out normal activities, or take part in anything that would enhance my life. We both know he has a long road ahead of him, he might relapse, but he also knows that he can't control what other people do, only his reactions to others. I mean it kindly, but I think, along with others, that this is your issue.

Although most people are commenting in a supportive way, the poll currently shows that over 70% of people think YABU.

Your parents aren't being very kind but truthfully, I can understand they are feeling exasperated with your anxieties which are not all rational.

Well Done for getting theray but I think you need to keep at it and not minimise your mental health problems or think they would be resolved if everyone esle accommodated your fears. It's easier for friends to go along with it as they probably see you less often than your parents, but it's not good for your daughter to learn anxiety from you. You cannot control everything.

Blaming her parents for what is perfectly normal behaviour doesn't help the OP, her own behaviour is extreme and irrational and it does her no favours by following her irrational and controlling behaviour.

You've said it yourself, it's your parents driving the anxiety which is the irrational anxiety which is coming up in therapy. Easiest way to deal with it, reduce contact. It's not doing you any favours. If you can leave dd with friends without the same fear/panic then you've got to reduce contact.

When are you due to go back to work? Who is caring for DD? Nursery?

I do think you may also benefit from some medicated intervention alongside therapy in the meantime.

I think the poll is wrong because people voted on reading the first post, and then went on to read the rest changing their minds. You can’t reset a vote.

I can't edit my post but the poll currently stands at 78% think YABU

Her parents are being rude and unkind.

Why is she a nightmare? It worked.
No wonder the mental health crisis is so bad if these ridiculous situations are pandered to.
Everyone gets anxious but we have to learn to control it, not pander to it

Your anxiety isn’t under control.
What do you imagine would happen when your DD is with her grandmother in a different part of the shop out of your sight? Take a breath for a minute and think “She’s with her granny, she’s safe, granny won’t let any harm come to her”
Same with the lawn, the ‘chemicals’ are safe otherwise they wouldn’t be sold. I don’t think your dad would leave it on the surface, it has to be watered in as soon as possible so the stuff gets into the soil down to the roots, either by the rain or he uses a hose.
You're going to pass your anxiety onto your child if you don’t get help.

I'm appalled that so many of you think someone with anxiety should just be told to get over it, yes this op has anxiety but anyone in care would literally get sacked if they were not able to offer a respectful reason and had sought consent for doing the direct opposite of someone's wishes. The dad saying 'I should have lied' has demonstrated his lack of trustworthiness, absolutely, no question his intention to lie is out there. The mum gets the OP to apologise for having feelings but doesn't seek to reassure that she had a reason (child was bored, I was trying to reduce pressure on you etc). They are literally giving valid reasons to question their decisions whilst showing zero respect to the op because of her mental health.

Re the lawn. Other replies are missing the point. Children have "played on lawns since time immemorial", but toxic chemicals have not been sprayed on lawns in the past.

You are completely correct to keep your baby off their lawn. This is nothing to do with anxiety. Your anxiety sounds tough, I sympathise, but your attitude to the lawn would, or should, be identical if you'd never had this issue. I would not touch that lawn and my toddler would go nowhere near it. These chemicals are indeed very dangerous for children.

The fact that they are prepared to lie to you about this is a massive red flag.

But in this scenario I completely agree with the parents, they sound utterly exhausted with Ops behaviour and I dont blame them tbh.

Everyone shouting 'her parents could be shit' and not one thing has op said makes her parents sound shit. She goes out of her way to visit them and spend time with them, she says her mum has been hugely forgiving over her outbursts.

Posters are just making stuff up and its really not helpful to tell op her parents are in the wrong and should be pandering to her unreasonable behaviour.

Spot on!

And, I can quite see them threatening to lie about very valid and serious concerns would worsen your anxiety around them. I think you need to have a serious conversation with them about this and point this out. How can you possibly trust people who would have lied about exposing your baby to toxins?

(And why are other replies minimising how dreadful this is?)

Well Done for getting theray but I think you need to keep at it and not minimise your mental health problems or think they would be resolved if everyone esle accommodated your fears. It's easier for friends to go along with it as they probably see you less often than your parents, but it's not good for your daughter to learn anxiety from you. You cannot control everything.

This is key. You think your anxiety is under control - but it’s only if everyone else accommodates your fears. You need to learn to live with uncomfortable feelings around normal behaviour, based on objective normal behaviour, not your own skewed perceptions.

I’d love to know what dangerous chemicals I’m putting on my lawn. I do it once in the early spring, or in autumn it gets well watered in, my grandkids play on it, they are fine.