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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

am I out of order? Do I expect too much?

363 replies

mum22mu · 04/07/2023 17:37

I am on maternity leave with my DD 6 months. I have anxiety in general and as my DH works long hours I am alone with her the majority of the time. I have taken steps to address this anxiety and I have therapy which helps. My parents are aware of it. I wouldn’t say it’s out of control, it’s more ruminating and intrusive thoughts and I was doing ok with it. The reason for the therapy was more to ensure I didn’t get worse rather than it being a massive problem.

However, when I see my parents I often panic with them around DD as they will walk off with her if we are in a supermarket for example or just generally out somewhere. I’ve asked them not to do this and they then agree and say they won’t, then other times they get quite nasty, saying they’re sick of being told what to do and I’m ridiculous etc etc. I get worried about DD being in their garden as they use chemicals on the lawn, I recently said I would rather we went for a walk than sat outside as I didn’t want to risk DD coming into contact with the lawn, to which my dad said to my mum ‘I should have lied and said nothing was on the lawn.’ Obviously this sort of thing really panics me as then I feel I can’t trust them and it becomes a vicious circle. I am an anxious person generally and I do my best to work on this but where DD is concerned I often can’t control it and have to ask them if they will do x or y or not do x or y (I don’t ever leave her with them alone so it’s only if we are meeting). If I don’t feel they are taking it seriously I will ask again as I feel panicked. AIBU to ask for a bit more understanding from them rather than then losing their cool? I’m honestly doing my best and I feel I would reassure someone in my position but maybe the reality is different?

OP posts:
BamBamBambi · 05/07/2023 11:13

Your friends do as they are told though which is why you don’t feel like it around them.
Your parents however don’t feel the need to be told off and told what to do.

JulieHoney · 05/07/2023 11:14

I don’t think you are being honest with yourself that your anxiety is minor and under control because you are going to therapy.

Your examples are extreme, and will only contribute to an atmosphere of anxiety your daughter will be raised in.

Therapy is one tool, I suggest exploring others as well.

It is not ok to have a meltdown when your 6 month old isn’t in your line of sight. It’s just weird to forbid your child’s grandparents from kissing her on the head.

If keeping your anxiety in check means everyone treading on eggshells, it isn’t under control.

Of course you are protective and want to keep your baby safe; we all do. But your method of doing so will ultimately be damaging to her. If that’s not a strong motivation to challenge your anxiety responses I don’t know what is.

Hibiscrubbed · 05/07/2023 11:15

Well, your parents are feeding this anxiety. If they routinely disregard your boundaries, and actively seek to upset you, you should stop seeing them. Anxiety or not.

But I think the anxiety is more of a problem then you realise.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 05/07/2023 11:16

CalistoNoSolo · 05/07/2023 08:58

Your parents sound horrible. Anxiety or not, your child your rules. If they can't respect that go low or no contact.

I agree with this if your mh is being compromised then it might be better if you went no or low contact. Not everyone gets on with their family and it does make things worse if you don't feel listened to and undermining you.

Nanny0gg · 05/07/2023 11:17

mum22mu · 05/07/2023 08:21

@Natty13 wow your post really resonates with me! I have done the things you mentioned, I’ve said I’m sorry I got upset but it makes me panic when you walk off and I’ve asked you not to… sometimes my mum apologies and says let’s ‘forget it now,’ and I have to sort of move on from it feeling terrible I snapped and she has been hugely forgiving for my outburst. I have such awful memories of these moments especially when the baby was very very tiny. I think it’s the fact that the thing I’ve asked is disrespected and ignored? I feel totally insignificant and it’s scary to feel that way when you’re responsible for a baby, you do need your voice heard where your child is concerned, don’t you? I feel so awful when I leave them and I’ve been upset, I apologise and try and talk about it, hopeful things will be better next time but it’s just all dismissed and seemingly forgotten as it happens all over again!

That said, I do have a rule I don’t like DD to be kissed yet as I worry and they tell me that is negatively affecting her and it’s a natural instinct to kiss her head and that shoudnt cause any problem. I feel I would remember not to kiss DD if I was asked not to but perhaps I am unreasonable there, I don’t know. In the end I often leave their presence feeling totally emotionally drained. It’s such a shame as I do actually believe they adore DD but they seem to have zero respect for me.

Show quote history

Are you getting help with your anxiety?

It's a very stressful way to live and it's stopping you enjoying your baby as much as you should

Doteycat · 05/07/2023 11:18

Your anxiety is out of control. Or rather its fully in control. Of You.
You will have to let your dd out of your sight at some stage, thats life. What you cannot do is be the mother at the school gate panicking and bawling and wailing because she wants to go in and play and learn. What do you intend to do in between that and now? It wont just go away. In fact it gets worse. A lot worse.
Your anxiety is ruling your life. Deal with that and I bet you will find your relationship with your family and your friends isnt as tense.
Never mind even what it will do to your relationship with your daughter. You realise shes only a baby for a small time? and shes a person of her own right who deserves not to have a neurotic mother. Seriously. Please think of her, you are not helping or protecting her by living in your anxiety.

Lentilweaver · 05/07/2023 11:20

I don't think your anxiety is under control.
I would advise that you don't make an enemy of your parents. Parental support is invaluable with a young baby.
Literally nothing would happen if they took your baby out or put her on the lawn. Babies are tough.

Nanny0gg · 05/07/2023 11:21

What does your partner think about all this?

Do you trust him to have the baby without you?

Do your friends hold and cuddle your baby?

Pluvia · 05/07/2023 11:21

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 05/07/2023 08:56

The OPs behaviour is driven by anxiety. Her parents aren't helping her to deal with it.

It's not up to other people to change their (normal) behaviour just because you have anxiety, though.

All that does is confirm that the person us right to feel anxious and gives them no reason to get professional help.

I say all this as someone with diagnosed anxiety and who tries for years to get other people to change their behaviour to appease me - of course it didn't work and it ruined lots of relationships in the process.

OP, you need to get some professional help - the feelings and behaviour you describe are extreme and will have a negative impact on your daughter in the long run.

This. Thank you for saying it, @cinnamonfrenchtoast

You can't expect the world to change to fit your needs, OP. And you can't ask people to let you control them so that you feel better. It's no wonder so many people walk away from the demands and distrust of anxious people.

I wish you luck in sorting this out, OP. Can't help feeling great concern for the child at the centre of this. You've got to get on top of things for her sake.

Dixiechickonhols · 05/07/2023 11:21

I think your option is to limit home with parents and meet in scenarios where you are more in control while you get treatment.
They perhaps don’t realise how poorly you are and think the jollying along will help.
A very blunt yes I have a mental illness, yes I’m getting treatment, I know I’m not behaving rationally but this is what I need you to do.
Is them having dc alone an option? Then you aren’t watching, worrying and micromanaging. Maybe something to explore.

ReliantRobyn · 05/07/2023 11:21

Ferferksake · 05/07/2023 11:10

I had literally said prior to going in the queue that if she wanted to look round then please leave DD with me as I will panic if she goes out of sight.

It makes perfect sense that your mum takes her for a little stroll while you queue. A queue and paying at the checkout is a perfect place for you to be distracted and for her to get bored, so she could just slip away while you're hunting for change or fighting with a card that won't work for some reason.

Is your mum supposed to stand stock still, probably frustrating your DD as she's seen the xyz display and wants to go and look at it? Isn't a little wander to look at the display better than risking tears and tantrums?

Did your parents regularly beat/abuse children or were they neglectful to the point of risk of harm? If your answer to both of those is "no", then I think you need to cut them some slack.

You've said about having a lack of self esteem which you attribute to their attitude, but half an hour here and there isn't going to have a lasting impact on your DD. If you are doing lots of confidence building with her, all she's going to think is that sometimes they can be grumpy. You freaking out because she is out of sight is actually going to harm her self-confidence. Things that might go through her head "The world is so terrible even nanny can't protect me", "I'm so naughty and such hard work even nanny can't manage to control me on her own", "Mummy doesn't trust me not to be naughty for nanny".

Don't be that over-protective mum that sparks anxiety in their children.

The mother has just said that she didn't want this. If your first thought is that it's immediately OK to wander off (however safe this is of course) then you are simply actively ignoring the mother's wishes, which will break trust. I don't think you really understand the situation.

kingtamponthefurred · 05/07/2023 11:25

You do seem to be unusually anxious, but if you really don't feel you can trust you parents with your child, the obvious solution is to stop seeing them.

Lentilweaver · 05/07/2023 11:28

Bad solution really. There may come a time when OP needs them. I doubt friends will step up. As pp said, the parents will walk away because all this palaver is too tedious.

Bearpawk · 05/07/2023 11:33

Somethingneedstochange78 · 05/07/2023 10:58

They're have been babies who have died from the herpies virus from someone kissing them. I think that's fair enough especially before they have had any imunisations. My sister used to kiss my daughter on the lips when she was a baby and I told her not to do it. It's germs I kiss my kids on they're face or head never on they're lips.

Newborns yes.

Not at 6 months. Also they have never tried to kiss them on the lips.

IceReckon · 05/07/2023 11:35

Your stress is most likely heightened around your parents because they are a primary cause of your anxiety.

You need to explain that the patronising way they speak to you/about you such as "I shouldn't have told her there was anything on the grass" infront of you is exactly why you feel so anxious around them. It shows an entire attitude of no respect, meaning they also won't and don't have enough respect for you to listen when it's about your daughter either.
They need to realise you're now an adult, not a child to be talked down to as they presumably always have.

Mikimoto · 05/07/2023 11:36

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Carpediemmakeitcount · 05/07/2023 11:39

Lentilweaver · 05/07/2023 11:28

Bad solution really. There may come a time when OP needs them. I doubt friends will step up. As pp said, the parents will walk away because all this palaver is too tedious.

Why can't Ops parents make adjustments I don't think she's being unreasonable you should have seen me and how I behaved. It was parents that brought her up to feel that way.

Twiglets1 · 05/07/2023 11:42

Lentilweaver · 05/07/2023 11:28

Bad solution really. There may come a time when OP needs them. I doubt friends will step up. As pp said, the parents will walk away because all this palaver is too tedious.

As a parent, I would never walk away from my child in real distress so I don't think the parents are likely to walk away. But OPs behaviour and attitude to her parents could be damaging to the relationship so I really think she needs to try harder to handle her anxieties and put them into context.

I agree that parents will be there for you where even good friends won't, in most cases. My daughter has lots of good friends, but I'm the one she turns to in a real crisis because I will always prioritise her over everything.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 05/07/2023 11:43

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It's a good thing you are not her health professional no mother will keep their child if you had your way because most parents feel the same as the op.

Lentilweaver · 05/07/2023 11:45

I think I am very out of step with general MN views on anxiety. My view is that if you give into it, it will take over. I am also not keen on blaming parents for everything; I don't see how they are to blame in this situation. They are probably sick of making adjustments. Anxious people are draining.

I am from a different culture where grandparents do a lot, and if I wasn't able to kiss my own grandchild, I think I would find it very tedious.

OP's DD will have to go to nursery in a couple of years. With people who are much less responsible than grandparents.

Qbish · 05/07/2023 11:46

Somethingneedstochange78 · 05/07/2023 10:58

They're have been babies who have died from the herpies virus from someone kissing them. I think that's fair enough especially before they have had any imunisations. My sister used to kiss my daughter on the lips when she was a baby and I told her not to do it. It's germs I kiss my kids on they're face or head never on they're lips.

OP doesn't want her baby kissed at all, on the head or anywhere.

Which is really sad 😔

ZeroFuchsGiven · 05/07/2023 11:46

Carpediemmakeitcount · 05/07/2023 11:43

It's a good thing you are not her health professional no mother will keep their child if you had your way because most parents feel the same as the op.

Show quote history

No, most parents do not feel like op! Why would you even think that? Confused

gemtart · 05/07/2023 11:46

I think your friends will be happy to play along in each other's company / in front of each other, but if there's just 1 friend, or if you ever need them to step up when you need childcare, over time they won't go along so obediently with your rules. Your relationship with parents is another matter but don't take your friends as a benchmark for how your parents should act.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 05/07/2023 11:46

Twiglets1 · 05/07/2023 11:42

As a parent, I would never walk away from my child in real distress so I don't think the parents are likely to walk away. But OPs behaviour and attitude to her parents could be damaging to the relationship so I really think she needs to try harder to handle her anxieties and put them into context.

I agree that parents will be there for you where even good friends won't, in most cases. My daughter has lots of good friends, but I'm the one she turns to in a real crisis because I will always prioritise her over everything.

Show quote history

No one owns their children they are individuals in their own right. I went no contact with my family because of their behaviour. Your daughter has you but fuck with her confidence and self esteem and see how she treats you.

Twiglets1 · 05/07/2023 11:47

Carpediemmakeitcount · 05/07/2023 11:43

It's a good thing you are not her health professional no mother will keep their child if you had your way because most parents feel the same as the op.

Show quote history

Most people don't feel the same way as OP.

Even on Mumsnet which is obviously a site more sympathetic to new mothers than most, 77% of us have voted that OP is being unreasonable.