Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Mum doesn't want to know baby gender, AIBU?

284 replies

TuesdayWonder · 04/07/2023 13:13

Currently in early stages of pregnancy. I was having a chat with my mum the other day and just happened to mention how I will probably find out the baby's gender when I can. My mum then got really annoyed saying well you won't be telling me or ruining the surprise for me and that she didn't find out with any of her pregnancies so she doesn't want to know.

I was quite shocked because I don't think she really has the right to demand that I go out of my way to keep this from her. If myself and my partner know the gender then naturally we may slip up saying things like "once she's/he's here" or have pink/blue items in the house.

Surely as a grandparent she has no right to demand not being told the gender? I can understand the disappointment if she wanted it to be a surprise but as it's not her baby surely she should respect my choice, AIBU?!

OP posts:
Newnamenewname109870 · 04/07/2023 13:14

Just don’t tell her.

JulieHoney · 04/07/2023 13:15

Sex. She doesn’t want to know the baby’s sex.

Don’t tell her but if it slips out, don’t worry about it. You are the one having the baby, your mother doesn’t get a vote on who knows what and when.

Daisydu · 04/07/2023 13:17

JulieHoney · 04/07/2023 13:15

Sex. She doesn’t want to know the baby’s sex.

Don’t tell her but if it slips out, don’t worry about it. You are the one having the baby, your mother doesn’t get a vote on who knows what and when.

What?

RhosynBach · 04/07/2023 13:17

Your mums being ridiculous

Brefugee · 04/07/2023 13:18

the baby has a sex not a gender.

If she doesn't want to know, that's fine. If it slips out by accident (not "accidentally on purpose") that is also fine.

TeddyBeans · 04/07/2023 13:18

I wanted to keep my son's sex a secret from friends until we'd told all the grandparents. Slipped up about 5 minutes into the first conversation I had after we found out. Once you know it's basically impossible to keep it secret. Your mum's just going to have to get over it

KarmaStar · 04/07/2023 13:19

Ah she just wants the excitement of knowing the sex when baby is born!😀the anticipation and wonder is special for some.
As it's your dm I'm surprised at your aggressive attitude towards her.

44PumpLane · 04/07/2023 13:19

YANBU OP. Your baby your choice.

Don't actively tell her but it's not up to you to hide it from her either.

Let's say you're in a shop with her maybe just say "I'm off to look at baby clothes, you're welcome to come or make yourself scarce"

SherbetDips · 04/07/2023 13:19

@JulieHoney Why do you get to tell people what they mean to write? She wrote gender and that’s absolutely fine.

SamW98 · 04/07/2023 13:19

My mum was the same until the actual day we found out then phoned me and said ‘well if everyone else is going to know I suppose I have to as well’

Then burst into tears when we told her it was a boy - as she had daughters and granddaughters at this point and my DS was first boy for her

SaveMeFromForearms · 04/07/2023 13:19

My dad didn't want to know; by the end absolutely everyone knew except him 😁

I don't think it's that big a deal really.

GeminiRising · 04/07/2023 13:19

I didn't want to know the sex of my grandchild, I wanted it to be a surprise. I didn't care what sex they had, I just wasn't keen on knowing in advance ahead of the birth.

My daughter and partner did try to keep it quiet but they let it slip accidentally at Christmas. I was a bit disappointed but it wasn't deliberately done.

I don't love my granddaughter any less but I don't get the need to know, you can buy so much in neutral colours these days.

ASandwichNamedKevin · 04/07/2023 13:19

You can tell your mum the 'surprise' is out at the moment you find out the sex, whether now or after the birth.
If you want to know just tell whoever you want, one of them might tell her.
In my family some found out before, some found out after, grandparents delighted in all cases.

Fiddlerdragon · 04/07/2023 13:19

Newnamenewname109870 · 04/07/2023 13:14

Just don’t tell her.

Wow, how helpful of you 🙄 op I’d point out to your mum that it will be very unrealistic that she will not find out before you have it. I know mn like to pretend they don’t put anything at all on social media, but in all likelihood you’ll be excited and posting things like clothes, nursery decorations and maybe even names online if you decide before. Tell your mum you won’t be telling her directly, but she’d better spend the next 9 months with her head in the sand, keep off all of your social media, not speak to any other family members or mutual friends and not come to your house. She’s being unreasonable for putting demands on what info you give her and adding stress to what’s an exciting time in your life.

FKATondelayo · 04/07/2023 13:20

It's quite a hard thing to hide for 20 weeks. I wouldn't worry. Just find out - you don't have to announce it on her FB feed but if it slips out, that's not your problem.

Also yes, it's sex.

Loyalty · 04/07/2023 13:20

Of course it will slip out in conversation once you know!
It’s the same surprise finding out at birth or during pregnancy!

MistyGreenAndBlue · 04/07/2023 13:21

Well she's in luck. According to popular doctrine, you CANNOT know a baby's gender until baby is old enough to tell you.

The sex on the other hand...
No, she is being unreasonable if you want to know that's up to you and you shouldn't have to tiptoe around the subject because she has a silly notion in her head.

Daisydu · 04/07/2023 13:21

Wtf does it matter if you call it gender or sex? Seriously.

Fiddlerdragon · 04/07/2023 13:21

Newnamenewname109870 · 04/07/2023 13:14

Just don’t tell her.

She’s one of those tedious, sanctimonious idiots who tries to ruin and derail threads when someone acts like a normal human being and writes gender because they think that sex is different

TooOldForThisNonsense · 04/07/2023 13:22

JulieHoney · 04/07/2023 13:15

Sex. She doesn’t want to know the baby’s sex.

Don’t tell her but if it slips out, don’t worry about it. You are the one having the baby, your mother doesn’t get a vote on who knows what and when.

This

drpet49 · 04/07/2023 13:23

KarmaStar · 04/07/2023 13:19

Ah she just wants the excitement of knowing the sex when baby is born!😀the anticipation and wonder is special for some.
As it's your dm I'm surprised at your aggressive attitude towards her.

This. Just don’t tell her.

MistyGreenAndBlue · 04/07/2023 13:23

Daisydu · 04/07/2023 13:21

Wtf does it matter if you call it gender or sex? Seriously.

They aren't the same thing. Despite being conflated in recent decades.

Brefugee · 04/07/2023 13:24

Daisydu · 04/07/2023 13:21

Wtf does it matter if you call it gender or sex? Seriously.

haven't you been paying attention to anything out there in the world lately?

tealandteal · 04/07/2023 13:25

Just don’t tell her. However you are referring to the baby now, just continuing to do that once you know. I kept this from my mum for my first, but my first did not keep it a secret with my second!

Fiddlerdragon · 04/07/2023 13:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.