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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mum doesn't want to know baby gender, AIBU?

284 replies

TuesdayWonder · 04/07/2023 13:13

Currently in early stages of pregnancy. I was having a chat with my mum the other day and just happened to mention how I will probably find out the baby's gender when I can. My mum then got really annoyed saying well you won't be telling me or ruining the surprise for me and that she didn't find out with any of her pregnancies so she doesn't want to know.

I was quite shocked because I don't think she really has the right to demand that I go out of my way to keep this from her. If myself and my partner know the gender then naturally we may slip up saying things like "once she's/he's here" or have pink/blue items in the house.

Surely as a grandparent she has no right to demand not being told the gender? I can understand the disappointment if she wanted it to be a surprise but as it's not her baby surely she should respect my choice, AIBU?!

OP posts:
SparklingMarkling · 04/07/2023 13:43

@secretllama

I agree. I use the word gender to describe one’s biological sex. So I don’t see why I should change that because some people like to pretend to be the opposite gender. Something like that anyway…. It’s all rather confusing but to me gender is male and female and I don’t need to change that to become more politically correct.

Appleblossompetal · 04/07/2023 13:43

simonthedog · 04/07/2023 13:35

It is still a surprise just 4 months earlier

Right?!

tobee · 04/07/2023 13:45

No I'm not in a similar situation @Hibiscrubbed or similar stage. Im more thinking of my own dm. I just don't really see why the aggro one why or the other. Op hasn't stated what her dm is normally like. As I said in pp I didn't tell my Dh. It is perfectly possible. And yes I understand a husband's wishes are different to the grandmother's.

It's nice to be nice to important people in your life generally speaking?

The poster saying "deliberately tell them as they are being a dick" ??

Happygot · 04/07/2023 13:46

My MIL was like this with our 2nd child - she didn’t want to know the sex, I went along with although I thought it was a bit odd as it’s not her having the baby 🤷‍♀️. However, we found out at 10 weeks via NIPT, and were telling everyone else…DH blurted it out to one of his aunts and his Dad when drunk 😂. So we played this weird charade for the 9 months where we were pretty sure she knew, but she was pretending not to know, and we had to try our best not to mention it around her but pretty sure we slipped up a few times 😂😂.

SherbetDips · 04/07/2023 13:46

@EmmaGrundyForPM It’s really is though. You don’t get to tell anyone what they “meant to write”

Meeting · 04/07/2023 13:47

Everyone who wants to talk about the "sex not gender" crap, there's plenty of threads on here so go and find them instead of hijacking people's threads.

OP this is a good opportunity in disguise. You need to make it clear that this is YOUR baby and you will be doing things YOUR way. The sooner she accepts that, the less problems you'll have down the line. Tell her you'll be finding out and making no efforts to hide it, if she wants to be awkward and unsupportive and make it all about her then she's not welcome to be around.

Mojoj · 04/07/2023 13:48

JulieHoney · 04/07/2023 13:15

Sex. She doesn’t want to know the baby’s sex.

Don’t tell her but if it slips out, don’t worry about it. You are the one having the baby, your mother doesn’t get a vote on who knows what and when.

No I think she meant gender. Keep your views to yourself. The post is not about that.

tobee · 04/07/2023 13:49

Hopefully op will come back soon and might tell us if her dm is trying to make it "all about her"

luckylavender · 04/07/2023 13:49

Loyalty · 04/07/2023 13:20

Of course it will slip out in conversation once you know!
It’s the same surprise finding out at birth or during pregnancy!

Not necessarily. My niece & her husband didn't tell anyone. Especially not the grandparents who they didn't trust to be quiet.

Tessisme · 04/07/2023 13:50

Why do some posters have to use threads like this to deliver a patronising (and rude) lesson on the difference between sex and gender? I'm GC myself, but I think we all know what the OP means. And it would be disingenuous of anyone to claim otherwise.

I think , OP, it's going to be almost impossible to hide the fact that you know what the baby is, once you find out. You can try to keep it from your mum, but let her know that it's not your fault if you let it slip and she needs to just accept that. The problem is that if you keep it from her and not everyone else, then someone will tell her. It could all get a bit complicated!

crumpet · 04/07/2023 13:50

@tobee ”It's nice to be nice to important people in your life generally speaking”

Exactly!

Petty point scoring is really unnecessary. If it does slip out then that’s one thing, but the deliberate glee at choosing to do so is really quite something.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 04/07/2023 13:52

GeminiRising · 04/07/2023 13:19

I didn't want to know the sex of my grandchild, I wanted it to be a surprise. I didn't care what sex they had, I just wasn't keen on knowing in advance ahead of the birth.

My daughter and partner did try to keep it quiet but they let it slip accidentally at Christmas. I was a bit disappointed but it wasn't deliberately done.

I don't love my granddaughter any less but I don't get the need to know, you can buy so much in neutral colours these days.

Why would you burden your dd when she is pregnant with having to keep this a secret?

upandmummin · 04/07/2023 13:52

@JulieHoney @Brefugee It's perfectly acceptable to use gender in this context. How bloody mad has the world gone that people care enough to try and correct someone.

Mum doesn't want to know baby gender, AIBU?
Maray1967 · 04/07/2023 13:53

It’s your pregnancy and therefore your choice - your mum does not get to complain about this.

However- not knowing until birth can he extra special. I was the only birthing mum that day in Liverpool Womens who did not know the baby’s sex. Turns out that was a big deal to the midwives on duty which hadn’t occurred to me. Lots of trying to guess the sex and jubilation when the delivering midwife was right.

NeedToChangeName · 04/07/2023 13:54

Daisydu · 04/07/2023 13:21

Wtf does it matter if you call it gender or sex? Seriously.

@Daisydu it's an important distinction, IMHO, and people need to know and understand the difference

Seriesfiftytaketwo · 04/07/2023 13:55

If she accidentally finds out then it’s not your problem, unless she avoids you for the entire pregnancy she is bound to hear a he/she or see a pink/blue outfit somewhere. It shouldn’t stop you enjoying your moment by going out of your way to keep it secret. As for the petty ‘it’s sex not gender’ grow up, throughout pregnancy it’s labelled gender, my midwife says gender, private scans are named gender scans and on all maternity forms I’ve seen it’s gender. People can say what they want without being corrected by social standards if they don’t follow them.

CheeseNPickle3 · 04/07/2023 13:56

My mum did the "not wanting to know" thing and then spent the next few months going "it's a girl, isn't it?" or "it's a boy" and just went on and on. Eventually DH said "oh so Cheese told you then" and so it was kind of her own fault she found out.

SayHi · 04/07/2023 13:58

I’d say I’m more than happy to not tell you the sex when we find out but I’m not going to guarantee that I won’t say he/she.

If she’s worried about you slipping up then she’ll have to not speak to you during the pregnancy as I’d say it’s practically impossible to not say he/she once you’ve found out.

Did all your other family members find out at the 16 week scan or did they also wait until the baby was born?

It’s easy to not say to someone that baby is a boy/girl.
Its not easy to accidentally say he/she or have someone else slip up.

Unless you rely on your mum for support then I’d be taking a step back from her.

SparklingMarkling · 04/07/2023 13:58

@tobee

But she is making it all about her? I’ve had three children and didn’t find out the gender for all three because that was my preference. I wouldn’t dream of telling my daughter not to tell me if that was her decision. I would want my daughter to feel comfortable around me not walking on eggshells trying to not “slip up” for 9 months.

Aug12 · 04/07/2023 13:59

My in laws demanded the same throughout my pregnancies. I just said ok, but if my eldest says or someone slips up then it’s one of those things. I’m not going to tell them to keep secrets or not talk about their baby brother/sister 🤷‍♀️

Sceptre86 · 04/07/2023 13:59

Honestly my mum didn't want to know with my youngest so I didn't tell her. She doesn't live nearby so no chance of her popping over and I don't tell mil either. I can't say I found it that hard but she wasn't my first and we'd talk about my other kids and other stuff.It can be overwhelming with the first and so if you let it slip it's not a big deal.

x2boys · 04/07/2023 13:59

NeedToChangeName · 04/07/2023 13:54

@Daisydu it's an important distinction, IMHO, and people need to know and understand the difference

Show quote history

Yeah, yeah we all know the trans stuff for many years though sex and gender were the same things x ,every time somebody writes,gender when talking about a baby yet to.born ,you can Guarantee there will be loads of smug its sex not gender replies 🙄

SayHi · 04/07/2023 14:00

CheeseNPickle3 · 04/07/2023 13:56

My mum did the "not wanting to know" thing and then spent the next few months going "it's a girl, isn't it?" or "it's a boy" and just went on and on. Eventually DH said "oh so Cheese told you then" and so it was kind of her own fault she found out.

If your mum does this (which I can imagine she will) then I’d do the same and say what their DH did as soon as you can.

It’s fine to not want to know but then asking questions or being annoying about it is not ok.

visitorspoppingin · 04/07/2023 14:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Humans (in our current form) have been around for 300,000 years.

It was only 68 years ago that the word Gender was invented.

So, I think we are okay to keep using the word Sex, without fear of offending the permanently offended. 🙄

KentuckyFriedChicken83 · 04/07/2023 14:04

Brefugee · 04/07/2023 13:18

the baby has a sex not a gender.

If she doesn't want to know, that's fine. If it slips out by accident (not "accidentally on purpose") that is also fine.

It's always been gender. It's just modern society that have decided to change the meaning. Sex and gender have always been interchangeable.

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