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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mum doesn't want to know baby gender, AIBU?

284 replies

TuesdayWonder · 04/07/2023 13:13

Currently in early stages of pregnancy. I was having a chat with my mum the other day and just happened to mention how I will probably find out the baby's gender when I can. My mum then got really annoyed saying well you won't be telling me or ruining the surprise for me and that she didn't find out with any of her pregnancies so she doesn't want to know.

I was quite shocked because I don't think she really has the right to demand that I go out of my way to keep this from her. If myself and my partner know the gender then naturally we may slip up saying things like "once she's/he's here" or have pink/blue items in the house.

Surely as a grandparent she has no right to demand not being told the gender? I can understand the disappointment if she wanted it to be a surprise but as it's not her baby surely she should respect my choice, AIBU?!

OP posts:
KentuckyFriedChicken83 · 04/07/2023 14:19

@SparklingMarkling Oh sorry. Hard to tell on here 🫣

diddl · 04/07/2023 14:20

Maybe Op's mum didn't "have her time"?

Mine are only 25 & 27 but the hospital I attended would only tell you the sex if medically needed iirc.

I didn't find out with mine & probably wouldn't be bothered about knowing the sex beforehand if I ever have GC.

That said, she has asked you not to tell her-so I would take her at her word & not tell her.

If she finds out somehow that's just too bad.

Meeting · 04/07/2023 14:21

Redbone · 04/07/2023 14:17

You are being very selfish and ridiculous! My MIL did not want to know the sex of either of my two as, in times gone by, it was considered very unlucky. I respected her wishes with no problems. Please tell me that you are not having one of these tacky gender reveal parties too?

Oh bugger off.

OP isn't being remotely selfish, the mother is for trying to dictate things about her pregnancy. And some people like gender reveal parties, get over it.

Blossomtoes · 04/07/2023 14:22

She did it how she wanted when she had her babies, now it's OP's time

She quite possibly didn’t. When I had mine you were only scanned if there was cause for concern and they didn’t tell anyone the sex of their baby.

Silenciospritz · 04/07/2023 14:22

This reply has been deleted

We doubt that this is genuine - we're taking it down now.

Panteranoir · 04/07/2023 14:22

JulieHoney · 04/07/2023 13:26

Because sex and gender are not the same thing and conflating them got us in the mess we’re in.

Babies are born with a sex. Gender is something society imposes on them.

Show quote history

Such an important distinction JulieHoney and you are absolutely correct

FuckOffTom · 04/07/2023 14:22

Firstly, why the hell is everyone pulling you up on your use of the word ‘gender’… we all know what you mean!

Secondly your arm is being ridiculous and precious. You’ll find out, you absolutely will let it slip and you shouldn’t have to police your language around her once you do know in case you do let it slip.

GCSister · 04/07/2023 14:22

KentuckyFriedChicken83 · 04/07/2023 14:17

@GCSister I was exaggerating but there probably will eventually be that many.

Anyway, OP can call it what she likes as that was the original use of the word.

I think you are getting confused as to why people think this matters!
Those of us who are gender critical believe in the importance of biological sex and are fighting against the erasure of women and are interested in the safeguarding of women.
Using the word gender when it's really biological sex is a problem in many situations....although i do agree in this particular situation gender is generally used, which adds to the confusion!

determinedtomakethiswork · 04/07/2023 14:23

I worked out the sex of my second child, based on the medical records for both pregnancies.

SimonsCow · 04/07/2023 14:23

I would say that’s fine but she’d better avoid conversations about the baby, social media, anyone else who knows the gender and your house for the rest of your pregnancy. You are not going to stress yourself or anyone else out by making your happy news a forbidden subject.

PinkIcedCream · 04/07/2023 14:24

SherbetDips · 04/07/2023 13:19

@JulieHoney Why do you get to tell people what they mean to write? She wrote gender and that’s absolutely fine.

I agree with @JulieHoney

Gender is a stupid woke word and a completely meaningless concept.

Sex is clearly defined as male/female and doesn’t need updating or replacing.

SuperSue77 · 04/07/2023 14:25

I don’t get this surprise thing - surely it’s a surprise whenever you find out, why does finding out a few months before baby arrives make the surprise any less? And you know what, there’s only two possibilities!
You’ll have enough to stress about without your mum putting this on you too!

Esmereldapawpatrol · 04/07/2023 14:25

YANBU, your baby and your choice.

However, I don't understand the whole thing of knowing the sex. With both of my DC we found out when they were born, the two best moments of my life and complete surprise. It was truly lovely!

GCSister · 04/07/2023 14:26

Esmereldapawpatrol · 04/07/2023 14:25

YANBU, your baby and your choice.

However, I don't understand the whole thing of knowing the sex. With both of my DC we found out when they were born, the two best moments of my life and complete surprise. It was truly lovely!

And those who find out via a scan just get the surprise a little earlier........it's still a surprise!

Conkersinautumn · 04/07/2023 14:27

How hard is it to not give so.eone this info

chillin12 · 04/07/2023 14:27

Holly60 · 04/07/2023 13:29

@JulieHoney

*Because sex and gender are not the same thing and conflating them got us in the mess we’re in.

Babies are born with a sex. Gender is something society imposes on them*.

I'd actually argue it's separating them out that has got us to where we are. When gender was just another word for sex, things were pretty clear.

Very true.

FOJN · 04/07/2023 14:27

x2boys · 04/07/2023 14:10

Only on the feminist board it is .

Show quote history

No, it's 'woman' gender that results in female prison inmates being raped by 'women' with penises.

It's 'woman' gender that results in female athletes being cheated out of trophies, scholarships etc.

There are many other areas in life where it matters. You must be very, very privileged to be so unaffected by the consequences of this conflation that you don't care about those who are.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 04/07/2023 14:28

KarmaStar · 04/07/2023 13:19

Ah she just wants the excitement of knowing the sex when baby is born!😀the anticipation and wonder is special for some.
As it's your dm I'm surprised at your aggressive attitude towards her.

This really. I don’t see why it’s so difficult to just not talk about it in front of her.

pontipinemum · 04/07/2023 14:29

My MIL really didn't want to know. So we made sure not to tell her. She found it very exciting. Where as I couldn't wait to know. My mam didn't want to wait either.

I would try keep it a surprise for her. Of course if you slip up you slip up.

Honeychickpea · 04/07/2023 14:29

SamW98 · 04/07/2023 13:19

My mum was the same until the actual day we found out then phoned me and said ‘well if everyone else is going to know I suppose I have to as well’

Then burst into tears when we told her it was a boy - as she had daughters and granddaughters at this point and my DS was first boy for her

She sounds like someone with nightmarish expectations and a rather ridiculous sense of entitlement.

Esmereldapawpatrol · 04/07/2023 14:30

GCSister · 04/07/2023 14:26

And those who find out via a scan just get the surprise a little earlier........it's still a surprise!

Show quote history

I just don't think it would be the same.

It's not a criticism, each to their own. It is just wonderful on the day to find out as you meet your baby.

Somethingintheattic · 04/07/2023 14:32

Why are people so angry and judgemental about this - crazy.

SallyWD · 04/07/2023 14:35

Daisydu · 04/07/2023 13:21

Wtf does it matter if you call it gender or sex? Seriously.

Exactly! I personally say "sex" and others say "gender". Fine. Who are these people who constantly police the language used by other women, and tell them off like naughty schoolgirls?

Hardbackwriter · 04/07/2023 14:36

GCSister · 04/07/2023 14:26

And those who find out via a scan just get the surprise a little earlier........it's still a surprise!

Show quote history

The moments my two babies were born were the best of my life, too, even though I already knew they had penises...

dartsofcupid · 04/07/2023 14:37

Your mum seems a wee bit overly focused on how she feels, if she doesn’t want to know that’s fine but what about you and the resultant twenty weeks of mental acrobatics you’ll need to do. Suppose if she’s otherwise a nice mammy and this is a little notion it might be a laugh to keep her guessing, throw her off the scent with some ‘wrong’ clothes pegged out etc. If she’s a bit domineering generally then oh well, she’s likely not going to get her own way no matter what you do cos someone will surely slip even if you don’t.