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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mum doesn't want to know baby gender, AIBU?

284 replies

TuesdayWonder · 04/07/2023 13:13

Currently in early stages of pregnancy. I was having a chat with my mum the other day and just happened to mention how I will probably find out the baby's gender when I can. My mum then got really annoyed saying well you won't be telling me or ruining the surprise for me and that she didn't find out with any of her pregnancies so she doesn't want to know.

I was quite shocked because I don't think she really has the right to demand that I go out of my way to keep this from her. If myself and my partner know the gender then naturally we may slip up saying things like "once she's/he's here" or have pink/blue items in the house.

Surely as a grandparent she has no right to demand not being told the gender? I can understand the disappointment if she wanted it to be a surprise but as it's not her baby surely she should respect my choice, AIBU?!

OP posts:
nervousneave · 04/07/2023 14:06

I kept both of my kids from my mum and didn't find that I went out of my way I just didn't tell her

EmmaGrundyForPM · 04/07/2023 14:06

@KentuckyFriedChicken83 I don't want to derail this chat but can I suggest you visit the Feminism Board and you'll realise why the distinction between sex and gender is crucial.

3AndStopping · 04/07/2023 14:07

Ughhh the ‘it’s sex not gender’ people 😤 have a day off. Go and protest somewhere or something. How many people have ‘sex reveal parties’ - oh yes, no one.

Also ‘what the big issue with waiting’ people… well what’s the big issue in not waiting?! It’s like people who don’t take sugar in their tea, an air of superiority because they’re so much less impulsive and patient. Boring now.

ApocalypseNowt · 04/07/2023 14:07

My Dad was like this! I just agreed not to tell him and managed to get to almost 9 months when my DH (aka big gob) said to him "yeah we met with John & Emma.... they're having a girl like us" 🤦‍♀️

Luckily he saw the funny side and didn't bother asking for subsequent DC!

Fordian · 04/07/2023 14:09

For those who do not know the difference between sex and gender; sex is observed at birth. It is biological fact. Gender is the behaviours societal norms expect to witness in that particular sex.

We coyly, like Americans, use 'gender' when we mean 'sex'.

This is how rapists like Isla Bryson end up in women's prisons. He claims his gender is female thus he magically becomes an actual woman.

And (possibly gay) kids who prefer the gendered things more typical of the opposite sex get drugged and mutilated.

Words matter.

This is why we are where we are.

Waffle78 · 04/07/2023 14:09

I never found out with either of mine. My son was a nice surprise. Exdp always said he only gets girls. He had 3 girls before I met him. We had a daughter together. It's a bit like opening your presents before Christmas. Plus I had heard of mums buying everything for a boy or a girl only to find out at birth they got the gender wrong.

x2boys · 04/07/2023 14:10

EmmaGrundyForPM · 04/07/2023 14:06

@KentuckyFriedChicken83 I don't want to derail this chat but can I suggest you visit the Feminism Board and you'll realise why the distinction between sex and gender is crucial.

Only on the feminist board it is .

LegendsBeyond · 04/07/2023 14:10

Daisydu · 04/07/2023 13:21

Wtf does it matter if you call it gender or sex? Seriously.

You need to read the news. I can’t people are still so ignorant about this.

GCSister · 04/07/2023 14:10

I don't want to derail this chat but can I suggest you visit the Feminism Board and you'll realise why the distinction between sex and gender is crucial.

Totally agree...one day some of the posters mocking those making the distinction might be glad they made the effort!

GCSister · 04/07/2023 14:11

Only on the feminist board it is .
If only..........

KentuckyFriedChicken83 · 04/07/2023 14:12

EmmaGrundyForPM · 04/07/2023 14:06

@KentuckyFriedChicken83 I don't want to derail this chat but can I suggest you visit the Feminism Board and you'll realise why the distinction between sex and gender is crucial.

It's certainly not crucial to me. Gender and sex have always meant the same thing and I'm not buying into people saying there are 3000 genders. Why do people call them gender reveal parties? Because it's always meant the same as sex until recently.

I don't want to derail the thread either but it really gets my heckles up when people try to force this on others.

SparklingMarkling · 04/07/2023 14:13

@GCSister

Perhaps it’s the tone that’s used. Maybe a gentle reminder with a short explanation of one’s reasoning. It can come across as quite condescending when you correct someone with such a tone.

IridescentRainbird · 04/07/2023 14:14

I asked my son not to tell me and he agreed, then in the same conversation told me his sister in law was giving them hand-me-downs "Because she's got a little girl baby too" 😁

LoisPrice · 04/07/2023 14:15

I never found out with my two, but my dd didn[t with her first pg and did with her 2nd pg.

Both were lovely experiences for different reasons

It was a lovely surprise finding out with everyone else at a gender reveal, not having experienced this before it was fab

Tell your mum this is your generation and you do things differently, ope up to ne experiences or get left behind

GCSister · 04/07/2023 14:15

Gender and sex have always meant the same thing and I'm not buying into people saying there are 3000 genders.

Those making the distinction between sex and gender don't tend to believe there are 3000 genders either.........

visitorspoppingin · 04/07/2023 14:16

EmmaGrundyForPM · 04/07/2023 14:06

@KentuckyFriedChicken83 I don't want to derail this chat but can I suggest you visit the Feminism Board and you'll realise why the distinction between sex and gender is crucial.

Nobody made the distinction until this century. Every human who lived before John Money, did not have any discussion about sex v gender.

SparklingMarkling · 04/07/2023 14:16

3000 genders lol 😂

GCSister · 04/07/2023 14:17

SparklingMarkling · 04/07/2023 14:13

@GCSister

Perhaps it’s the tone that’s used. Maybe a gentle reminder with a short explanation of one’s reasoning. It can come across as quite condescending when you correct someone with such a tone.

Of course. people shouldn't be rude.

Redbone · 04/07/2023 14:17

You are being very selfish and ridiculous! My MIL did not want to know the sex of either of my two as, in times gone by, it was considered very unlucky. I respected her wishes with no problems. Please tell me that you are not having one of these tacky gender reveal parties too?

KentuckyFriedChicken83 · 04/07/2023 14:17

@GCSister I was exaggerating but there probably will eventually be that many.

Anyway, OP can call it what she likes as that was the original use of the word.

KentuckyFriedChicken83 · 04/07/2023 14:17

SparklingMarkling · 04/07/2023 14:16

3000 genders lol 😂

It was exaggeration and sarcasm.

Channellingsophistication · 04/07/2023 14:18

just don’t tell her - if it slips out well that’s one of those things. I never found out the sex of my baby beforehand. I figured there were very few nice surprises in life.

SparklingMarkling · 04/07/2023 14:18

@KentuckyFriedChicken83

I knew you were exaggerating it’s just something I would say. It’s all just total nonsense isn’t it. I guess because of the nonsense we do have to get the wording right, however it’s the way things are often said that can get peoples backs up.

SparklingMarkling · 04/07/2023 14:19

@KentuckyFriedChicken83

I know, I was laughing along with you.

Greenpin · 04/07/2023 14:19

We have a midwife in the family and I know they all love what they term a "suprise "birth.

In my experience this is a fairly common request from family members and even partners ( can be either parent) Loads of families do try and keep the secret, not always succeeding though.
I don't understand the nastiness the request seems to have generated. "Shes had her turn" is a really unpleasant turn of phrase which seems to imply that she should never be seen or heard from again.