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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mum doesn't want to know baby gender, AIBU?

284 replies

TuesdayWonder · 04/07/2023 13:13

Currently in early stages of pregnancy. I was having a chat with my mum the other day and just happened to mention how I will probably find out the baby's gender when I can. My mum then got really annoyed saying well you won't be telling me or ruining the surprise for me and that she didn't find out with any of her pregnancies so she doesn't want to know.

I was quite shocked because I don't think she really has the right to demand that I go out of my way to keep this from her. If myself and my partner know the gender then naturally we may slip up saying things like "once she's/he's here" or have pink/blue items in the house.

Surely as a grandparent she has no right to demand not being told the gender? I can understand the disappointment if she wanted it to be a surprise but as it's not her baby surely she should respect my choice, AIBU?!

OP posts:
LuciferRising · 04/07/2023 13:33

If my DM didn't want to know, I'd make an effort not to tell her. If I slipped up, then so be it. I love my DM and have a good relationship with her. I can see it is annoying if that is not the case.

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 04/07/2023 13:34

She can ask not to be told, but you don't have to change your plans.

Want to find out and put a Facebook post up? It's up to her to unfollow.

If she doesn't want to find out, then the onus is on her to avoid it, not you.

tobee · 04/07/2023 13:34

I think people are getting the wrong end of the stick about what op mother asking.

LivingNextDoorToNorma · 04/07/2023 13:34

I would just do my very best not to tell her. Then it’s up to your mum not to look at the baby’s bedroom, clothes etc (anything that can be very boy/girl).

My friend managed to keep it secret from her mum until 37 weeks. Her mum only found out when she bumped into my friend’s mil in Tesco, where mil was buying baby ‘girl’ clothing.

Unicorn34 · 04/07/2023 13:34

Someone at my work was told the wrong sex - decorated the room all girly, bought girly clothes etc... out popped a boy!

My husband (grandad) didn't want to know but was realistic enough to understand we would be saying he or she after the scan. Just had to get on with it in the end. This is not about your mum, it's about you as parents. Congratulations!

Holly60 · 04/07/2023 13:35

@crumpet

The poor woman is only asking to find out once the baby is born. Hardly the crime of the century.

I guess if OP doesn't see or speak to her mum very often it's no problem at all. However, if she sees or speaks to her regularly, is OP supposed to remember each time to refer to her baby as 'it'? Is she supposed to hide any blue or pink clothes she buys? (Please don't say she can by gender neutral clothes only - OP should be able to buy what she wants). Does everyone else also have to remember that her mum doesn't want to know the sex??

It's seems such a faff.

My attitude to my children when they were having babies was 'I support whatever you decide'. Surely that's our job with adult children?!

NeverThatSerious · 04/07/2023 13:35

tobee · 04/07/2023 13:32

See @crumpet post @NeverThatSerious

Yea, I’ve seen it.. and? I’ve already said I wouldn’t go out of my way to tell her, I said that in the very post you quoted.

SparklingMarkling · 04/07/2023 13:35

She does realise it’s not her pregnancy right? Is she usually so odd and enmeshed with you? Personally I would tell her. It’s not her “surprise” to have it’s yours and you’ve decided you don’t want one. End of. I certainly wouldn’t be walking round on eggshells over the sex of my baby if I was pregnant.

tobee · 04/07/2023 13:35

My dh didn't want to know the sex of my ds but I managed not to tell him.

simonthedog · 04/07/2023 13:35

It is still a surprise just 4 months earlier

Peony654 · 04/07/2023 13:35

shes within her right to say that. And she had a point, I don’t get this obsession with knowing the sex in advance. If you want to find out, tell her you will try and keep it a secret from her but you can’t promise anything. Maybe don’t tell anyone to make it easier?

SparklingMarkling · 04/07/2023 13:36

@Peony654

Maybe as a grown arse woman the OP can do what the hell she likes and tell who she likes. So what if you don’t agree, it’s not your pregnancy.

tobee · 04/07/2023 13:36

tobee · 04/07/2023 13:35

My dh didn't want to know the sex of my ds but I managed not to tell him.

Our ds that should say!

EmmaGrundyForPM · 04/07/2023 13:37

SherbetDips · 04/07/2023 13:19

@JulieHoney Why do you get to tell people what they mean to write? She wrote gender and that’s absolutely fine.

It really isn't.

Hibiscrubbed · 04/07/2023 13:37

crumpet · 04/07/2023 13:31

The OPs mum isn’t trying to stop her finding out the sex. All she’s asked is not to be told herself!

Yes, which involves the OP having to change her language and behaviour around her mother for the duration of her pregnancy. She may have to hide items and police her own language so she doesn’t say he or she. Will her mother expect her to only buy sex-neutral items just to protect her?

She’s bound to slip up.

And then how will this mother behave? Will she have a shitstrop? Storm off? Refuse to speak to the OP? Tell her she’s ruined her excitement/surprise?? 😳

No. It’s mental. It’s not her pregnancy. The OP may choose to not directly announce the sex to her mother, but she’s under no obligation to spend the ensuing months going out of her way to make sure she doesn’t accidentally find out.

Daisydu · 04/07/2023 13:37

Gender/sex, Sorry but I don’t see the difference for the sake of this post.

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 04/07/2023 13:38

Peony654 · 04/07/2023 13:35

shes within her right to say that. And she had a point, I don’t get this obsession with knowing the sex in advance. If you want to find out, tell her you will try and keep it a secret from her but you can’t promise anything. Maybe don’t tell anyone to make it easier?

'Yes really close friendship group, i do know the sex of my baby and even though I really want to share the news with you, I can't because my mum doesn't want to know. Yes, this does mean that I have to watch every thing I say when talking about my baby, but needs must - it's more important that my mum gets what she wants in this scenario'

tobee · 04/07/2023 13:38

SparklingMarkling · 04/07/2023 13:36

@Peony654

Maybe as a grown arse woman the OP can do what the hell she likes and tell who she likes. So what if you don’t agree, it’s not your pregnancy.

Of course she can do what she likes but why the aggressive attitude?

Crunchymum · 04/07/2023 13:39

Oh gosh don't bend to this as soon she'll be giving you baby names and having you agree to sleep overs when baby few weeks old.

Seriously though, @44PumpLane very few people will genuinely care about your pregnancy but your mum should be one of these people and she should be respecting your choices.

To those saying that her mum has just asked her not to be told, how is that going to work then? How is the OP going to go about her pregnancy as she so wishes and be able to keep the babies the sex from her mum? She won't.

This pregnancy is not about anyone's wishes, except for woman carrying the baby.

Hibiscrubbed · 04/07/2023 13:39

tobee · 04/07/2023 13:38

Of course she can do what she likes but why the aggressive attitude?

Show quote history

Are you in a similar life stage to the OP’s mother, @tobee? You’re very protective over this woman.

SparklingMarkling · 04/07/2023 13:40

@tobee

If you think that’s an aggressive ‘attitude’ I can only presume you’ve lived a somewhat sheltered existence.

mn29 · 04/07/2023 13:40

Your baby, your choice whether or not to find out - she has no right to feel annoyed. You can agree that you won't deliberately tell her but if she accidentally finds out then it's just too bad and really not the end of the world.

Appleblossompetal · 04/07/2023 13:41

It’s still the same surprise whether you find out at birth or 20 weeks! She needs to get over it.

secretllama · 04/07/2023 13:41

EmmaGrundyForPM · 04/07/2023 13:37

It really isn't.

Show quote history

It really is. Not everyone believes or buys into the whole new gender ideology and are using the word gender as they've always known to mean sex.

Appleblossompetal · 04/07/2023 13:42

I accidentally once revealed the sex of a baby to my friend’s mum at a party. Sharply kicked by friend under the table. To be fair, my friend hadn’t warned me their Mum didn’t want to know and they’d been trying to keep it from her.